


iWant Cassie

by Samantha_Trewyn



Category: iCarly
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-15
Updated: 2012-03-15
Packaged: 2017-11-01 23:51:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 45
Words: 113,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/362675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samantha_Trewyn/pseuds/Samantha_Trewyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sequel to iMade a Huge Mistake. Will Sam learn how to live without her baby or will she lose her mind? My beta appeared towards the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

After Cassie left us, I figured everything would be okay. I never thought we would get over it, but who would? But it never crossed my mind that things would turn out the way they did. Sam was losing her mind slowly. She was the opposite of the girl I met and married. I approached the apartment door and took a deep breath. Maybe today would be different. Maybe today she would have moved on and finally accepted that Cassie wasn’t coming back.

I opened the door to the apartment and saw Sam sitting on the couch.

“Hey babe,” I whispered. I had to be careful with her. I never knew what kind of mood she would be. She was still in denial. She thought if she refused to believe it Cassie would no longer be gone.

“Hi. How was work?” she asked. Maybe she would be normal today.

“Good. Kind of boring.” I set the keys on the table next to the door and walked over to her, reaching out my hand. She shook her head. The last six months I had gone without hugging her, kissing her, cuddling with her or even holding her hand. She wouldn’t let me touch her.

“Yeah, it was boring here too. Cassie slept all day.” I sighed softly and tried to understand. I missed Cassie too, but Sam wouldn’t move on. I was afraid I would never have my wife back.

“Honey,” I started, “Cassie’s not here.” It was always hard to tell her. It hurt inside of my soul to know I’d never have Cassie and it hurt more when I saw Sam’s face whenever she realized she didn’t have her baby with her.

“Sure she is,” she smiled. I shook my head.

“No, sweetheart.” Sam shot up and stared at me.

“How can you say stuff like that? Don’t you love her? She’s right in her room taking a nap!” she snapped. I took a deep breath. It felt like the same process every day. She’d go on and on about Cassie until I somehow made her realize the baby she thought she was carrying was really a doll.

“Yes, Sam. I do love her. But she’s not here.” It was hard to stay calm with her. She acted as if she was the only one affected by Cassie’s death. The only reason I stayed calm with her is because she had spent 8 ½ months preparing for this baby and getting so attached and I didn’t expect her to just up and get over it in a day or a month or a year.

“Yes, she is. “

“Baby—“

“Shhh! You woke her up!” she walked towards the nursery and I followed her. She pulled the doll out of the crib.

“It’s okay, baby, daddy didn’t mean to wake you up.” She rocked the doll back and forth. I felt so bad for her. She would never get it. I walked up to her slowly and she turned away from me.

“Sam,”

“Go away.”

“Come on, give me the doll.” She whipped around and glared at me.

“She’s not a doll.” She growled.

“Okay, I’m sorry. Can I see Cassie please?” I shouldn’t be giving into her. I should be telling her to get over it, but I couldn’t. I had to let her do things her way.

“No, she wants to be with me. Not you. YOU woke her up.” She held the doll closer to her.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to wake her up.” I took a deep breath. This was pathetic.

“You should be.” She started singing to the doll and I decided I needed to get out of there. I couldn’t stand around and watch Sam make a fool of herself. I pulled my phone out of my pocket.

_I can’t take this anymore! She’s CRAZY!_

I was hoping Carly would come over and talk some sense into Sam, but I didn’t count on it happening. She didn’t want to be around her, either. I sat on the couch and listened to Sam. I was on the verge of sticking her back in Troubled Waters.

_Is she doing that doll thing again?_

I sighed. I was glad to go to work and get away from Sam during the day. I don’t think I could handle being around her all day, especially when she was acting insane.

“Babe! Will you make her a bottle?” I stared at the doorway where Sam’s voice had just come from. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Was she serious? How did she still think that doll was Cassie? I wanted to tell her to put the doll back and go back to being a normal person but she was my wife and if I kept coming home and telling her Cassie was dead she was going to go insane and probably break everything in the apartment.

_Carly! Come help me! She wants me to make a bottle for a doll!_

The door opened and Carly came in.

“Relax, I’m already here.” She walked back into the nursery and I followed her. Sam turned around.

“Hi, Carly. Freddie, I told you to go make her a bottle.” Carly walked up to Sam.

“Okay, Sam. Come on. Give me the doll. Enough is enough.” Carly grabbed her arm and reached for the doll. Sam turned away from her and held the doll closer.

“She’s not a doll!” Sam screamed. Carly grabbed the doll from her and shook it around. Sam screamed louder.

“Carly, stop doing that.” I said. Carly threw the doll on the floor and Sam dropped to her knees and started crying. I pulled Carly aside.

“Is that your idea of helping her?” I was really mad. I didn’t want Sam to be this person either, but I didn’t need her damn near having a heart attack.

“We’ve tried helping her, she refuses to move on!” Carly snapped.

“She’s HURTING! That was her baby. Everything was fine until that day. How do you expect her to just move on like Cassie was a puppy or something?”

“Freddie, you can’t keep babying her. She needs to understand that Cassie IS NOT HERE.”

“You’re just being a mean person! That is NOT how we do things around here! She will get over it in her own time in her own way.”

“By pretending a doll is her baby? That’s not healthy.”

“I didn’t ask you to come over here so you could throw her into panic mode.”

“She is not in panic mode.” Carly snipped. I turned her to face Sam, who was rocking back and forth on the floor holding the doll to her chest and practically screaming. I turned Carly back to me.

“I’ve spent the last six months trying to avoid this kind of reaction and you come over and ruin all my efforts in less than five minutes.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just sick of seeing her like this. This isn’t Sam.”

“I know that.” I walked away from Carly and sat next to Sam.

“Come here, baby.” She shook her head.

“No!” she screamed. I took a deep breath.

“How am I supposed to help you feel better if you won’t let me touch you?” Sam stopped for a second and looked at me and then screamed as loud as she could.

“Sam!” I backed away from her a little bit.

“She killed Cassie!” she jumped up from the floor and jumped at Carly. Carly jumped back and I grabbed Sam, who turned around and hit me in the face.

“Get off of me!”

“Sam! What is wrong with you?” I was still holding her. She started sobbing again.

“She killed Cassie…”

“No, baby. That’s not Cassie. That’s a doll. Cassie’s not here.” She pushed me away and layed on the floor, still crying. I dragged Carly out of the room.”

“Bravo, Carly. Do you know how long it’s going to take me to calm her down now?”

“But she—“

“She just lost her baby!”

“Cassie’s been gone six months, Freddie, and if YOU can move on and I can move on then SHE can too. I get that she carried Cassie inside of her and all but I can’t just stand there and watch my best friend act like a mental person.” We heard Sam scream again.

“She IS a mental person. She has no idea what she’s doing! I never knew you could be such a heartless bitch to your best friend.” Carly glared at me.

“Maybe you should be more heartless. She freaks out whenever you make any move towards her.”

“And I’ll deal with that. You are supposed to be helping her, not throwing her into acceptance. You can’t force her to deal with Cassie dying.”

“I’m just sick of feeling like nothing I do helps her. I hate to see her this way.”

“I do too. But I think you should leave before she grabs a knife and tries to stab you.” Carly put her hands on her hips and sighed. She turned around and walked out the door and I turned back and walked into the nursery again. Sam was laying on her stomach on the floor and she wasn’t making any noise.

“Babe?” I approached her.

“What?” she mumbled into the floor.

“Are you okay?” she rolled over and sat up.

“I miss her.” She took a shaky breath.

“I know, honey.” I sat on the floor across from her and held my hand out to her. She crawled over and I hugged her. I had gone six months without being able to hold her and it felt nice to finally have her in my arms. She started crying again.

“I just wish I could figure out what I did wrong. Did I wait too long by thinking the contractions were fake? Did I lay funny? Did I—“

“Baby, you didn’t do anything wrong. When are you going to realize this? There’s nothing you did that caused this.” I whispered. It was a new part of our life. A new, different part. I’d never seen Sam act like this the entire time I’d known her. I’m sure she hadn’t seen this side of me either.

“I love you,” she mumbled. I nodded.

“I love you, too.” I rested my forehead on the top of her head. I could smell her shampoo and it reminded of times when we sat in the park with the sun shining and her smile lighting up my world. It was much simpler than this.

“If I told you I wanted to have sex with you would you tell me no?” she asked. I sighed.

“Yes.” I said.

“Why?”

“Because, you’re upset. That’s not a time to make quick decisions. Besides, this is the first time you’ve let me touch you in six months. I don’t need you going insane.”

“I’m already insane.” She mumbled. I shook my head.

“Sam, Sam, Sam. What am I gonna do with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on, let’s get out of here. I don’t like being in here.” I stood up and pulled Sam up. She looked around for a minute, picked up the doll and set it on the shelf in the closet.

“I think we should lock this room up.” She sighed. I shook my head again. She said the same thing every day. Although, today was different. Today she was actually MY Sam. The girl that made choices based on what she wanted and not what she needed. The girl who had finally decided that being open and vulnerable was better than being alone. My Sam.

“No, baby. I couldn’t do that.”

“Carly’s right, though. Enough is enough. I’m never going to live again if I keep thinking she’s just in her nursery sleeping.” I could see her tear up again and it killed me. I wanted to take all her pain away. I wanted to be the one to hurt for her so she never had to go through any of this. I took her hand and we walked out of the room. She shut the door, leaned her head against it and cried. I couldn’t understand how she still had any tears left in her. All she had done the last six months is cry every single day. Cry and pretend a doll was a baby.

“Freddie?” she turned around and looked at me.

“What, honey?”

“You were right. I miss being pregnant. I wish she was back in my stomach, keeping me up all night and making me feel like a blimp.” She wiped her face and I looked at her for a long time. She looked different to me. Maybe it was because she had lost every ounce of baby fat she had gained, maybe because all she ever wore anymore were my old t-shirts and sweatpants that were three sizes too big on her, maybe it was the way she woke up in the morning, took a shower and just threw her hair up, never wore make up, didn’t care about her appearance. I didn’t know, but I loved it. I loved knowing she knew she could be anyone she wanted to be with me and I would love her the same.

“I know, Sam.” She walked towards me and I wrapped my arms around her. I had missed her. The real her. The girl who was crazy, but not mental crazy.

“I want to have another baby,” she mumbled. I backed up.

“No way.” I looked straight in her eyes. There was no way we were going to try to have another child so soon after this. I’d be glad to wait five or more years. I preferred it.

“Come on, Freddie. I can’t just sit here every single day like this.” She looked down at herself.

“Sam, neither of us is ready to have another baby. Especially not you.”

“I want to be a mom, Freddie.” She looked like she would start crying again any second. I hated when she did that. Even now, when she didn’t mean to.

“You ARE a mom—“

“But I can’t take care of her. I can’t hold her. I can’t do anything.”

“Sam, please don’t do this right now. Deal with the matter at hand. You need to get through an entire day without feeling how you feel before you even think about having another child.”

“Fine, make me a deal then. If I get through a whole week without all of this then we have another baby.”

“I’m not making you a deal, Sam. You can’t replace one baby with another. It’s not right.” I was frustrated. Sam didn’t get how insane she sounded when she talked.

“I’d never try to replace Cassie.” She looked down at the floor and I hugged her again.

“I know, babe. But right now we just can’t have another baby. Someday. I promise. When things aren’t so…hurtful. When we can get through things without feeling like falling apart.” I rubbed her back and she nodded.

“I’m tired.” She mumbled. I kissed her forehead.

“Me too. Let’s go to bed. Call it an early night.”

“Okay.” She looked at me for a minute before she kissed me.

“Thank you for not leaving me.” I frowned. Sam still didn’t realize that I was sticking around no matter what. It was getting hard to convince her. She never seemed to believe me.

“I never would.” I hugged her once more before we went into our room and went to bed.


	2. Chapter 2

I shut the alarm on my phone off before it could wake Sam up. Not that I was worried that she would wake up. The fire alarm could be going off right in her ear and she wouldn’t wake up. I know because I had tried it before when we were teenagers. She still didn’t know that I tried to make her deaf the first night she slept over. I got out of bed and yawned. If I didn’t love this job so much I would never get up in the morning like this.

“Freddie?” I heard Sam mumble. I turned around and her eyes were still closed. She was probably just talking in her sleep. She did it all the time. I turned back and started walking out of the room.

“Where are you going?” I turned around again and she was sitting up.

“To take a shower. I gotta go to work. Go back to sleep, baby.” I whispered. She shook her head. I walked to the bed and sat down, facing her. She moved closer to me.

“I don’t want you to go to work.” She whined. I put my arms around her.

“I know, honey, but I have to.”

“Not if you call in.” she yawned. I sighed. She never wanted me to leave. Ever since I got this job out of high school she kept trying to convince me to call in every day. She seemed to think money fell out of the sky.

“Come on, Sam. You know I can’t call in. Just go back to sleep.” Sam’s head dropped and I realized she had only been awake a few minutes. I layed her back down gently and stood up again. I looked at her. I loved watching her sleep. She looked so peaceful and most of the time she wasn’t talking. I always wondered what she dreamed about. Sometimes I could guess based on what she said, but she was a pretty secretive person when it came to her dreams. Anytime I had asked her she either looked down with a smile, a blush creeping on her face and mumbled ‘nothing’ or she just sat there with a straight face and said ‘nothing.’ She had told me about a dream only once and I held onto that memory forever. She probably thought I forgot, but I could never forget.

_*flashback*_

_“I love you.” She whispered. I nodded. I already knew that._

_“I love you, too.” I looked at her. Really looked at her. Sure, to me she had always been beautiful in her Sam way, but right now she looked…different. She smiled and laughed._

_“What?” she asked. I shook my head._

_“Nothing.”_

_“Okay, Fredweird.” she laughed again. She turned her head and looked at the ceiling. I heard her sigh._

_“What’s wrong, babe?”_

_“Nothing, just weird.”_

_“What’s weird?” Fantastic. Most amazing point in my life and her word of choice is weird? She turned her head towards me again and must have read the concern in my face because she kissed me._

_“No, I just mean it’s weird because I just had a dream about this a few days ago.”_

_“What?” she must really love me if she’s having dreams about me. Especially dreams like this._

_“Well, yeah,” her eyes shifted down and she bit her lip, “I mean, it was nothing like this. Just being alone with you. After. Well, you get it.” She was acting different, too. More quiet._

_“Sam Puckett being shy about her dream? Wow. Something must have gone really right.” I laughed and she joined in._

_“I’m not being shy, it’s just weird. And yes, something did go really right. The only thing that could kill my mood right now is your stupid mom.” Ahh my mother. The main source of drama between Sam and me._

_“She’s asleep, don’t worry about her.”_

_“Wouldn’t it be funny if she was standing outside your door just eavesdropping?”_

_“No, that wouldn’t be funny at all.”_

_“Oh, come on Benson. Take a joke.”_

_“I need you alive, Sam.”_

_“You just want me around for the sex.” She laughed. I shook my head and smiled. Sam._

_“Nah. You just know too much.”_

_*end flashback*_

I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was way too early. I turned the water on for the shower and waited. I hated hot water, but Sam loved it. Maybe that’s why we got along so well. We were complete opposites, she liked to stand under scalding hot water for endless amounts of time and burn her skin off and I didn’t. I wanted to get in and get out and get on with my day. I walked back into our room and grabbed my clothes. Work was going to be so boring. I loved being behind the camera and making all kinds of decisions for the show, but it was always so depressing. Sad story after sad story and people staring at me like I was on a different level just because my daughter died. I heard something hit the floor and turned around.

“Ow.” I sighed and walked over to Sam and picked her up.

“How did you even manage to do that? It’s a king size bed.”

“I don’t know.” She mumbled.

“Only you.”

“Only me.” She closed her eyes again and fell asleep. Sometimes I wondered if there was a lot more going on with her then she let on. For now I wasn’t going to push it, but it was always in the back of my mind. I got dressed and walked back over to her.

“I love you.” I never left without saying it because I never knew when I would be able to say it to her again. I grabbed the keys off the table, locked the door and walked out to the car. It was only 5:30 in the morning and it felt like winter. That’s what we get for living in Seattle in the middle of October. It was weird to think that just last year around this time Sam was telling me she was pregnant and Carly was screaming about cheating. Only a year ago. I got in the car and drove towards the news station. Just another day in my life.

X

“Benson, I need you behind the camera today. Tony called in. Damn kid. He never comes to work.” My boss, Jack, was mumbling under his breath about some kid we just hired. It made me uncomfortable for a second because it wasn’t that long ago that I was that kid. The kid who’s pregnant wife couldn’t handle twelve hours by herself and refused to call her friends.

“Yes sir.” He turned to me.

“You okay today, kid?” this man was old enough to be my grandfather, but he never stopped working. Guess it kept him alive.

“Just fine, sir.”

“How’s Sam?” for a minute he surprised me. Everyone knew about my situation, it certainly wasn’t a secret, but it wasn’t something I ever talked to my boss about.

“She’s….better. In a weird sort of way.” I would leave it at that. He shook his head.

“Such a shame, you two would have been great parents. We could have had another genius like you in the world.” I had to laugh.

“She was half Sam, too, let’s not forget.”

“Alright, well enough with the chit chat. I need you to go test the camera and the lighting.” He walked away and I sighed. It had almost been nice to have someone talk to me and not get uncomfortable, but that was just reality now. Nobody knew what to say to a parent whose child died. I walked on the set and approached the anchor’s table.

“Okay, you’re going to start out looking at camera 2, after the story about the three-legged dog you’re going to turn and face camera 1. We’ll take a break, back to camera 1 and then after you joke a little about Halloween you’re going to look back at camera 2. Another break, you’ll start at camera 1 again and then before your last three stories you’ll switch to camera 2. Got all that?” they nodded at me. They had always been quick to pick up on things and I was lucky. The last anchor we had couldn’t figure out which camera was which and never turned her mic on.

“You look tired.” Maria stated. I nodded.

“Yup.” I walked back to the camera and grabbed my radio and put the ear bud in my ear. We had to have the ear pieces in or Jack would kill us. If any sort of radio noise was heard on camera I would no longer have a job.

“Turn the lights on.” I said into the radio. We had had the same lighting tech since I started here. Probably because he never messed up. I looked into the screen on the camera. Yup, he knew exactly what he was doing. Jack came back around the corner and started clapping his hands.

“Alright, hustle up! The news isn’t going to report itself! Maria, what did I tell you about those tops? If you show up wearing another top like that I’m going to fire you. People turn on their television sets to watch the news, not see your breasts. Michael,” he threw a comb at the other news anchor as Maria adjusted her shirt, “comb your hair, you look like you just rolled out of bed. What is the matter with you people? This isn’t a talk show, it’s the news. Let’s step it up! Mark, roll camera 2. Freddie, cue.” People didn’t get Jack. They thought he was mean but he wasn’t. He was professional. If he was layed back the news show would not only fail to be the number 1 news show in Seattle, but it would probably flop and we’d all be out of jobs.

“Alright people, let’s make it count. In 5, 4, 3, 2.” I pointed to Maria, who was the closest to me and she and Michael started talking. I tuned them out. It was boring listening to people drone on and on about all the hate in the world. I’d rather be in the back room, directing everyone, instead of standing behind a camera. At least in the back room Jack didn’t bother me. I decided I should be listening to them, because at any time Jack could decide he wanted camera 1 rolling. I yawned. I was tired. Something about working all day and dealing with Sam all night was making me exhausted.

“Roll camera 1.” Jack mumbled into the radio. Maria and Michael turned to my camera and kept talking. Same old boring process every day. Camera 1, camera 2, camera 2, camera 1. Who cared? Nobody. Then they’d show a clip of some new reporter we just hired talking about nothing and then back to the anchors. I never really complained about my job because it was my dream job, but I would rather be at home with my wife then watching this stuff.

“Benson! Wake up over there!” I looked over at Jack and he pointed at me and then at the anchor table. I nodded.

“…what should you be watching for on Halloween? Find out when we come back.” Maria faked a smile at the camera.

“And we’re clear.” She got up and stomped away from the table and towards Jack. She always clashed with Jack.

“I can’t believe you called me out like that AGAIN!” she yelled.

“I can’t believe you wore a shirt like that AGAIN! Especially after I told you not to.” He took a drink of his coffee and Maria folded her arms.

“There’s nothing wrong with my shirt! Our ratings are still up and we’re still the number one news show in Seattle so what difference does it make what shirt I’m wearing?”

“Here’s something for you. I’m the boss, you’re the anchor. You do as I say. Period. If you don’t like it you can find another news show to work for.” Maria stomped her foot, which I had only ever seen done by Carly, and stormed away. Jack turned to me.

“What’s up with you today, kid? You seem off.”

“Just some stuff at home. It’s no big deal.”

“Hey, come over here I wanna talk to you.” He took another drink of his coffee and took a step away from the camera.

“Jack, we only have three minutes until cue.”

“I only need two.” I stepped towards him cautiously. Jack rarely wanted to have a one on one conversation with anyone.

“You’ve worked here about five years now, and you do a great job behind the camera, but anyone can run a camera. I’ve noticed that you’re more of a take charge kind of person. You make sure everything’s in shape before we go on the air. I’ve never seen one of my camera guys do what you do. So, I want you to be my assistant of sorts. I’m getting old, Benson, I can’t do everything anymore.”

“Jack, it’s almost cue time.” Mark said.

“Oh, relax,” he shot back then looked at me again, “anyway, basically what I’m offering you is a promotion. You’ll work with Matt, handle stories: which ones are worth presenting and which aren’t, deal with discipline, make sure everything’s on point before we roll camera. It’s a great opportunity, and I can’t imagine a better guy to do it than you.” He patted me on the shoulder and walked away. What was I supposed to say to that?

“Freddie, come on. Cue in thirty seconds.” I turned and looked at Mark. He was waving me back to the camera. I walked over slowly and sighed.

“Maria! Pay attention! In 5, 4, 3, 2.” She started talking again and it droned on and on and on.

X

We were on a lunch break and I knocked on Jack’s door.

“Come in, Freddie. Take a seat.” He motioned towards a chair across from his desk. I sat down and took a deep breath.

“Look Jack, I think it’s a great job to be offered, but I just can’t do that right now. Sam needs me. She’s been going crazy just locked up in the apartment all day—“

“Woah now wait. I never said I was going to make you work more. In fact, with this job you’ll be home more. You’ll come in at 5:45 like you always do, check everything out like you always do, direct the anchors like you always do and then when the news is rolling you’ll sit in the chair next to me and make sure everything is running smoothly. Then after the morning news show you’ll go in the conference room with Maria, Michael, the reporters and myself and we’ll pick which stories we’ll air for the nightly news. We’ll break, come back, put everything together for the nightly news and you’ll be out of here by 1:00 every day.” I watched him for a minute. It would be great to be home with Sam more. It would be great to not be working 12 hours a day. All of that would be great, but it was too great.

“Jack—“

“I can’t ask anybody else, Benson. Very few people can handle something like this.” I sighed. I couldn’t let his chance slip away. It was the only way to move up and still be home with Sam. And in the off chance we ended up having more kids anytime soon I would be able to take care of her more than I could before. Jack spoke.

“Look, Benson. I know right now things aren’t going very smoothly in your life. You need this job. This way you can go home to Sam, take care of her, do whatever you have to do for her. I’m not one to share my personal life with my employees, but I lost my first child at birth too and had I had the chance to work less hours and be home with my wife more we probably could have made it work. I know Sam needs you and you need to be home with her, not here worrying about what she’s doing. You just haven’t been the same since Cassie died, and I get it. I need you to do something you’re good at that’s going to get you home where you belong.” I nodded. That’s exactly where I needed to be. It was strange to think I wasn’t alone in this and that there were people who understood exactly where my mind was at in this whole thing. Especially since that person was Jack. I guess I had never really been afraid of Jack, I sure as hell respected him because he was a genius, but I always knew he wasn’t this tough guy. I probably reminded him of himself at 23.

“Okay.” I nodded again and he smiled.

“Good, now go home. We’ll talk about this more tomorrow. I got Mark training the new guy on camera and I’m sure he’s screwing it up already.” He stood up and walked towards the door.

“You already hired a new guy?” I turned in the chair and he stopped and turned back to me.

“I knew you’d say yes. I’m not a fool, Benson, and neither are you. You’d never pass this up.” He turned back and walked out of the office. My phone buzzed in my pocket.

_Freddie! Get home now! Sam’s locked herself in Cassie’s room and I’m afraid she’s going to do something stupid! She keeps screaming she wants to die._

Fantastic.


	3. Chapter 3

I ran into the apartment and I could hear her screaming. Carly was banging on the door.

“Sam! Open the door right now!” I was afraid to know how long this had been going on.

“Move!” I pushed Carly out of the way and unlocked the door. Things were thrown all over the floor. Cassie’s pictures were laying everywhere, frames broken, covered in baby powder. Diapers, toys, books. Sam was standing at the window which she had opened and popped the screen out of.

“Sam!”

“Go away!” she screamed. What the hell had happened since I left for work this morning? I walked up to her and grabbed her arm.

“No! Damn it, get away from the window!” I pulled her away and she screamed louder. I was surprised we didn’t have cops here. She sounded like she was being murdered.

“Carly, shut the window!” Carly ran into the room and slammed it shut.

“No! I want to be with Cassie! Let me go!” This was way more serious than I thought. Sam really was losing her mind. She needed help. Real help. Not my help or Carly’s help or Spencer’s help. Real, serious, mental help.

“Sam! Listen to me, I’m not letting you do anything stupid!”

“Fuck you, Freddie! I want to be with my baby! I don’t want to be here anymore! I want to be with my baby!”

“Carly, go call 911.” I said.

“Freddie—“ she hesitated.

“Just do it!” I yelled. I couldn’t help Sam. No matter what I tried she was always going to go back to this. Carly walked out of the room.

“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! I don’t want to be here with you anymore! I want to be with my baby! Why are you trying to stop me from being with her!” I wouldn’t answer her. She was killing me. Seeing her act like this ripped me apart. This wasn’t Sam. Sam didn’t talk about killing herself, she didn’t scream and cry and freak out every single day. She was out of it and it hurt. I knew she didn’t mean to be this way, she was mental, but I just wanted her back. Sweet, peaceful Sam.

“Sam! I’m not going to let you jump out a window!” I looked up as Carly walked into the room followed by two police officers.

“They were already here when I went to call.” She mumbled. I sighed.

“What’s going on here?” the one asked me.

“She just needs to get out of here. She needs help.” Help I couldn’t give her. Help that would make her better, make her realize she can move on from this. Help from nurses and doctors and confined rooms, locked doors, schedules. Troubled Waters help. The officer walked over to me and took Sam. She freaked, tried running, tried screaming, tried fighting. This guy was trained for it, though, and she would never be successful. I wanted to hug her, hold her, take away her pain, but I couldn’t I had tricked myself into thinking that if I just gave her time she’d work things out on her own and get better. He practically dragged her out of the room and the other officer looked at me.

“Wanna tell me what’s going on?” he asked. I sighed and looked at Carly. She nodded.

“We had a baby six months ago and she died and, I don’t know, she never got over it. We’ve tried everything. We’ve tried letting her sort through her emotions on her own and we’ve tried guiding her through them and we’ve tried forcing her to face it and none of it works. That’s not who she is. It’s not the kind of person she is. She just…she’s not the same.” I looked at the floor. If at any point in time I had wanted to just curl up in a corner and cry for days it was now. I lost my daughter, my wife was crazy, I was alone. There wasn’t a single person in the world who could understand how much my life sucked at this point. The officer nodded.

“Well here’s what we’re going to do at this point. We’re going to bring her down to troubled waters, we’re going to confine her for 48 hours and then we’re going to put her in a therapy group and hopefully once she’s gone to a few of these group sessions we can let you guys see her again. But until she’s past this denial stage she’s in we can’t let you around her.”

“Can I call her?” I asked. He shook his head.

“Sorry. You just have to let the nurses do their job and try to help her. Any contact outside of the hospital is just going to send her right back to where she is.”

“So I can’t talk to her at all?”

“Not right now. When things are straightened out we’ll let you see her.”

“Well, can I at least go say goodbye to her?” he nodded.

“Yeah, we can let you do that. Come on.” We followed him out of the apartment, down the stairs and out to the squad car parked in front. Sam wasn’t screaming anymore, she was just sitting there. Her window was half rolled down so I could talk to her.

“I’m sorry, baby, please don’t make me go. I’m not going to do that again. Please.” She was crying again and I wanted to pull her out of the car and tell the cops to just leave, but she needed this.

“I’m sorry, Sam, but this is for your own good.” I had to deal with it. It was for her. She couldn’t keep doing this to herself, to me, to Carly, to anyone every day.

“Please, I don’t want to go back there! Freddie!” I took her hand.

“I love you. I’ll see you as soon as I can. I love you.” I dropped her hand and stepped away from the car. If I kept listening to her I would lose it and she would never get the help she needed. She started screaming again and they rolled her window back up and left.

“Freddie, she’ll be okay. They’re going to help her.”

“I know.”

I’d known for a long time, it just had taken watching Sam try to jump out a window to realize there was nothing I could do for her. She needed to sort this out on her own. Carly and I walked back up to the apartment and into Cassie’s room. It was trashed. It was like a tornado had gone through and destroyed everything.

“Come on, you can come stay at Spencer’s with me.” Carly said. I sighed. It was the only choice I had. I couldn’t stay in the apartment alone knowing Sam was probably freaking out somewhere I couldn’t help her.

“Carly, how could I have screwed up so bad?” I asked. She looked at me.

“What are you talking about? You didn’t screw up.”

“She could have been fine by now, just like we are, but somewhere along the way I fooled myself into thinking if I left her be she would work it out. How could I have done that to her? I caused all this pain she feels. She wouldn’t have to feel this way if I had just gotten her help sooner.” Carly hugged me.

“No, you couldn’t have avoided this. Sam would have been this way either way. She’s just not in her right mind. Losing Cassie changed her. Her brain knows Cassie’s gone, but her heart won’t let her go. She has to let her go before she can be helped. She just isn’t ready to do that.”

“I just wish I could help her. That’s what I’m supposed to do. I feel like I just pushed her off onto someone else because I didn’t want to deal with her anymore.”

“No, you did the right thing here. Come on. Spencer’s ordering Chinese and I don’t want to miss it.” She walked out of Cassie’s room and I followed, stopping long enough to take one last look around before shutting the door.


	4. Chapter 4

“Benson! I need you in the office right now!” I sighed. Jack was on a roll with the chats lately. Today was different, though. Today Maria was the one he wanted to chat with. I walked into his office and shut the door. Maria was sitting in a chair across from Jack with her arms folded and an angry look on her face. I stood by the door.

“Maria, I’m really sick of telling you things over and over again. I don’t think you get it. I’m the boss, this is my news show. I’m in charge. You are not. You do not get to decide what you’re going to do, when you’re going to do it and you certainly don’t get to decide that what I say is not what I mean. I’ve told you time and time again to stop showing up to work in those kind of clothes and you refuse to listen, and I’ve let it go because you’re a good news anchor. But when you have no respect for me or my show you have no business here. Pack your things and get out of here.” He started writing something on a notepad on his desk and Maria stared at him in disbelief. He looked up from his notepad.

“You’re still here. Why?” Jack usually was straight to the point. I hadn’t expected him to make a big speech about firing her.

“You can’t fire me.” Maria said.

“I just did. Get out of my office, get your things and get off my set.” He watched her stand up and I opened the door. She huffed and walked out.

“Freddie, I need you to stay later today. We need to do some interviews and I’ll need you and Matt in on it.” He looked back down at his notepad.

“Okay.” I said.

“And I’ll need you to find a temp until we can find someone.”

“Alright.”

“Hey, who was that other girl you did that show with?” he looked up from his paper.

“Carly?”

“Yeah, call her. She’d be a great anchor.”

“Jack, she’s never done news before. The only thing she’s ever done is iCarly.”

“So? Call her, bring her in here and teach her what she needs to know. I need someone who knows how to be in front of a camera and we don’t have time to go on some sort of hunt,” he stood up and walked towards the door, “follow me.”

He walked out of his office and I followed him. We walked over to another office area and he unlocked the door and walked in.

“This is your office now. I don’t care what you do with it as long as you don’t trash it or burn it down.” He set the key on the desk. I looked around. It was weird to have an office. I was an on the set kind of guy.

“Call that girl, get her in here and train her.” he walked out and shut the door. I sighed and sat at the desk. Sam would go crazy in here if she was around. She’d be putting pictures of herself up everywhere. I wouldn’t be able to look anywhere without seeing her crazy face. I picked up the phone and dialed Carly’s number. It rang a few times.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Carly? It’s Freddie.”

“Hey, what number is this?”

“Work. Hey. You want a job?” I asked. She laughed.

“I HAVE a job.”

“Blogging is not a job.”

“It is to a—Freddie what do you want?”

“Jack wants you to anchor temporarily until we can find a replacement for Maria.”

“Anchor? I don’t even know what that means.”

“It means you sit at a desk with Michael and you read off of a screen. It’s not that hard. Just come in, I’ll show you.” She sighed.

“Fine, I’ll be there in a few minutes.” I hung up the phone and sat back. I wanted to talk to Sam. It felt like forever since I had seen her or talked to her but it hadn’t even been 24 hours. There was a knock on the door and Jack walked back in.

“Hey, is that girl coming over here or what? We need to talk about tonight’s show.”

“Yeah, she’s on her way over here.”

“Alright. Go to the conference room as soon as she gets here.” He walked out again and I followed him, walking to the door of the studio. Whenever Jack wanted something he got it. He was the boss. Carly pulled up to the studio and walked to the door.

“That was fast.” I stepped aside so she could walk in.

“I was already over here. Just got done meeting with someone.” She locked her car from the door and we walked into the conference room.

“Good. We’re all here. Let’s go.” We sat down.

“Carly’s taking Maria’s place until we hire someone else. That’s all you need to know about it. Let’s get started.” He turned a T.V. on and popped a tape in.

“Carrie, your report is first.” He hit play and Carrie started talking about some memorial for a group of soldiers from Seattle that were killed. He stopped the tape.

“That will bring viewers in, what do you think Freddie?” he turned to me.

“Oh, um, it’s good. We should have more stories like this.” I said. He turned away.

“Michael?” he asked.

“It shows we care about the community and that’s what we need, especially if Maria goes out and spreads the word that she just got fired.” Michael answered.

“Carly?” Carly looked at Jack.

“What?” she asked.

“What do you think of the story? Sound like something you’d present?”

“Oh, yeah. Definitely.”

“Okay, good.” He wrote the story on a whiteboard on the wall. It was weird being in on this meeting. I was supposed to be behind the camera or in the production room, not in a conference room. We continued to talk about stories. Some were really stupid, like the freshman Halloween dance, and some were clever, like the senior video project that we would show on the news. Jack dismissed everyone from the room but asked me to stay.

“What’s going on with you, kid? I thought you’d be glad to have this job.” He sat on the table.

“I am, it’s just stuff at home.” It was always stuff at home.

“Tell me about it. If you talk about it, it won’t continue to bug you and interfere with your job.” In a strange sort of way it was like he was trying to help, but I knew it was just so I would do my job.

“Sam went to Troubled Waters last night.”

“The mental place?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s crazy, Jack. I need to leave. I can’t sit here anymore.” I stood up and walked out of the conference room. I was sick of everybody. Nobody seemed to get that life wasn’t the same but it was. I had to get on with it and I had no way to do that. I could do it before because Sam needed me, but she wasn’t with me anymore. She was being helped somewhere else.

“Freddie?” I heard Carly’s voice but I just pushed past her. I needed to see her. I didn’t care what the nurses said. I got in the car and drove over to Troubled Waters.

X

I rang the buzzer and the nurse let me in.

“I need to see Samantha Benson.” I told her. She shook her head and pressed a button.

“Samantha is in confinement. We can’t let you see her.” she said. I slammed my hands on the desk.

“No! You’re going to let me see her because she’s my wife and nothing you do is going to help her if she’s locked off from everybody who gives a shit about her!”

“Sir—“ someone was behind me and I turned around slowly.

“What?”

“You’re going to need to leave—“

“I’m not leaving until I see Sam!”

“She is in confinement you can’t see her.”

“Yes, I can. If I have to break open every door in this place until I find her I will.”

“You need to leave.”

“No!” I snapped. The nurses looked around and then back at me.

“If you don’t leave we’re going to have to call the police.” One said quietly. I laughed.

“Call the police! I don’t care! Maybe they can throw me into confinement too! You guys are the crazy ones! You think throwing her in a room by herself is going to help her? IT’S NOT! I’ve already tried it! I know she needs to be here, but not alone.”

“Please leave before we call the police.” I shook my head, turned around and slammed the door open. Fuck this. They weren’t going to help her. I couldn’t even help her. I jumped in the car and drove off to the apartment.


	5. Chapter 5

My phone started ringing in my pocket. Foolishly I thought it would be Sam, calling me to ask me to do something crazy like break her out of Troubled waters, but it was only Carly.

“Yeah?” I answered.

“Where did you go? Your boss is steaming mad!” she was whispering loudly into the phone.

“I have to see Sam.”

“You can’t see Sam, she’s in confinement.”

“No shit, Carly. That’s exactly what they told me over there.”

“Get back here before Jack fires you! God knows that’s the last thing you need!”

“I can’t!”

“Get your butt back here! You can’t afford to lose your job! You need this job to take care of Sam!” Sam. Sam who was off somewhere else. Sam who was alone. My Sam.

“Fine! Only for Sam! Only because I couldn’t willingly give up something that helps me help Sam. God, I hate you Carly. You always have to throw her into everything.”

“Because she’s in everything. Everything you’ve been doing the last however many years has been for her. Including this job. Now come back here.” She hung up the phone and I turned around. God only knew how expensive her stay in Troubled Waters was going to be. I couldn’t give up this job.

I pulled into the studio parking lot and walked back in. Jack turned around. He looked beyond pissed.

“Benson. My office. Now.” Nothing he said to me at this point could bother me more than feeling helpless and alone. I followed him into his office and he shut the door.

“Sit down.” He pointed to a chair and walked behind his desk. I shook my head.

“I’d rather stand.” He stopped and looked at me for a minute and then sat down.

“I never want to see you run out of here like that again. You have a job to do here and as long as you are employed by me you will come in at 5:45 and you won’t leave until what needs to be done here is done.” I rolled my eyes.

“There some kind of problem, Benson?”

“Hell yeah there’s a problem! Everyone around here walks around like everything’s normal and it’s not! You know, I try to be as professional as possible when I’m here and leave my personal life out of the studio but it’s really starting to piss me off that everybody expects me to act like Cassie never died and Sam isn’t losing her mind and that everything’s just fine! Everything is NOT FINE! Do you have any idea what it’s like for me to come in here every single day and see the looks people give me? Like they want to apologize but they just walk on by, and I don’t care that they don’t know what to say but I do care that YOU expect me to forget what happened and forget that there’s nothing I can do about it so I can run a stupid camera!”

“No, I expect you to show up ready to help run a news show! That is your job!”

“No! That’s YOUR job! It’s YOUR job to run the news show! It’s MY JOB to take care of my family! I’ve been so busy kissing your ass that I missed so many chances to bond with my daughter before she was born because I stupidly thought I’d have time to spend with her after she was born and the only time I got to spend with her after she was born was spent telling her goodbye! And Sam’s gone absolutely CRAZY over it because I came right back here instead of staying with her to make sure she was okay! THIS is not my job! THIS is taking me away from my job! Taking me away from time I could have used to deal with all of this and keep Sam out of a mental hospital!” I cared but I didn’t. If I didn’t have this job I’d find another one, but I couldn’t replace Sam. All the time I had spent thinking I was doing the right thing by working was a waste. I should have been at home with her. I should have been helping her deal with it. But I was stupid and selfish and never realized it until I was standing in Jack’s office, fighting with my boss, risking my job, shifting from anger to sadness. Jack stared at me for a minute. I had never argued with him. I had always done whatever he told me to do with no questions and no hesitation. This was new to him.

“If you need some time off take it, but come back here ready to work.” He started writing on his notepad again. I sighed.

“I don’t need time off, Jack. I need people to stop pretending that in the studio life is perfect and nobody has problems and everything is just fine because that’s not how it is. And the next time you try to tell me that my job is more important than my family I’ll leave and I won’t come back.” He looked at me, put his pen down and sighed.

“Sit down.” I sat in a chair across from him. He was silent for a minute before he started talking.

“In no way do I expect you to forget Cassie or Sam or anything that has happened or is happening. I do not expect you to come into the studio and pretend everything is fine. I don’t expect you to just get over it. I was honestly surprised to see you walk into the studio the day after Cassie’s funeral. I expected you to take the time you needed and come back whenever you were ready. But the bottom line is that when you are here, I need your head to be clear. I need you to be listening. It’s one thing to zone out when you’re behind the camera or in the production room but another thing completely when you aren’t listening in an interview or a meeting.” I shook my head. There was no way I would ever be able to concentrate on anything around here when every thought I had revolved around Sam.

“You know, Jack. I don’t think I can handle this job.” I sighed. I felt like the weight of the world was resting on my shoulders. It was hard enough getting up in the morning knowing everything I couldn’t do. It was like I was in a long tunnel, but the tunnel never ended. I just kept trudging on.

“Freddie, you and I both know you were meant to have this job. You weren’t meant to stand behind a camera or in a production room your whole life. Sure, you’re great at it, but this position is where you belong in our team. The only reason you think you can’t handle it is because you’re distracted. Go home, spend however much time you need sorting out what you need to sort out and when you come back I expect you to be ready to work.” He picked his pen back up and started writing again.

“Jack—“

“Just get out of here, Benson.” He waved towards the door and I stood up and left. Carly stopped me before I walked out the door.

“Did he fire you?” she asked.

“No.” I answered.

“Well, where are you going then?”

“Home.” I walked out to my car and drove back to the apartment.

X

It was quiet, almost like a freak accident had happened and the blood still lingered. I grabbed the garbage can from the kitchen and walked into Cassie’s room. It hurt to think that one minute Sam was somewhat coping and the next she was on a rampage. I sat on the floor and picked the frames up and took the pictures out. I couldn’t let them lay all over the floor. The frames went in the garbage, no use for them now. I set Cassie’s pictures in a pile. Tomorrow I would buy new frames. My phone started ringing again. I didn’t want to talk to Carly anymore, but I pulled my phone out of my pocket.

_Sam calling_

What? There was no way she could call me. I hit the talk button.

“Sam?”

“Baby, I miss you. Take me out of here.” She was whispering and I sighed, but I was so glad to hear her voice.

“How did you get your phone?” I asked.

“I’m Sam. That’s how I got it. They’ll figure it out soon, though. Baby, please. I can’t stand being in here anymore. They won’t let me talk to anyone. They keep me locked up in this room all day and night. I want to come home. I’m sorry I acted so stupid. I want to come home. Please take me out of here.”

“Sammy, I can’t. You need this. I miss you, too. Way more than you think.” I could hear her start to cry and it killed me. I didn’t want her there. I wanted her home. But there was no way I could help her and help was what she needed.

“Freddie, I know I was stupid but I’m not going to do it again. I just want to be home.” She cried.

“Baby, come on. Don’t do this to me.” I couldn’t stand to hear her voice. It made my heart hurt knowing she was alone.

“I want to come home. I don’t want to stay here. I want to be with you.” Even when she was losing her mind she was smart enough to know that if she begged long enough I would give her whatever she wanted. Usually.

“Sam, please stop this. I’m not going to come pull you out. I’m sorry, honey. I’m sorry you’re upset. I’m sorry you’re lonely. But you need this. You need to get better. We both know I can’t help you. As much as I wish I could I can’t. You need to stay there so they can help you.” I wasn’t sure who I was trying to reassure more: Sam or myself. I figured it was both.

“Please don’t leave me here. I want to go home. I promise I won’t go in Cassie’s room anymore. I promise I won’t try to jump out a window again. I—“ I couldn’t listen to her anymore. Every word she said broke my confidence in the choice I had to make for her.

“Look, I love you with every last piece of my soul and that’s the only reason I’m doing this. You’ll understand someday, baby. I swear you will and you’ll be happy that I did this. I have to go, Sam, but don’t ever forget that I love you and I always will whether you’re here or Troubled Waters.”

“Freddie, please—“ It took every part of my self-control to hang up the phone. I wiped the tears away. I would do anything for Sam, even if she didn’t like what I was doing at the time. Whatever she needed she would get. I dialed the number for Troubled Waters and an overly-friendly nurse answered.

“Sam Benson has her phone. She just called me. I have no idea where she is in that place, but she just called me. And as much as I hate to be away from her and not talk to her I want her to get help. I can’t help her, and it sucks to fail your own wife, but I thought you should know. You should lock it up where she can’t find it until she’s supposed to have it.” I whispered. How did people do this every day? Just put people they loved and cared about and needed in some kind of mental hospital or nursing home or wherever they put them where they wouldn’t be around them? It didn’t make sense.

“Are you Freddie?” she asked.

“Yes. Please just help her. Do whatever it is you have to do to help her.”

“Look, you’re doing the right thing for her. You didn’t fail her, you did what you could. Sometimes our best doesn’t work. Sometimes people are just not with it. I don’t mean to say that Sam is crazy because she’s not. She’s just hurting. Once we get her sorted through all the pain she’s feeling she’ll be right back home to you.” She sounded so sad, but not nearly as sad as I was feeling.

“I know. Just take care of her,” I heard the phone beep in my ear. Sam was calling me again, “she’s calling me again. Just give me a minute to tell her to stop before you barge in or whatever you do to take her phone.” I switched over.

“Please, baby. I can’t stay here. I’m going to go crazy in here.”

“Sam, please stop calling me. Do what they tell you to do. Behave. God, I love you. I wish I could help you, baby, I do. But I can’t. This is the only way you’re going to accept Cassie’s death. You have to stop calling me. Please just listen to them. I love you. So damn much. I want you home with me, too, but you can’t be home right now. I love you a million times. I’ll talk to you and see you whenever I can. Please just listen to the nurses.” I hung the phone up again and leaned against the wall. I had to believe in the decision I made. I had to stand by it and stick with it no matter what. It was what she needed and anything she needed she got. I opened a new text to Spencer.

_Come over whenever you can. I can’t keep it quiet anymore. I need someone to talk to._


	6. Chapter 6

Now that I was in Cassie’s room and I was looking around I didn’t want to leave. She should be in here. She should be sleeping while Sam watches T.V. or takes a nap and I work. She should be a smiling, happy, carefree baby. Instead she was ten minutes away in a small box in the ground. I must not have heard the door because I heard someone clear their throat and looked to see Spencer standing in the doorway.

“What’s up?” he asked. His arms were folded across his chest and he was leaning on the door frame.

“I—“ what could I say? There was no way to word everything I was feeling. Every single emotion in my body was bunched up into a big mess. I had spent the last six months focused on Sam. How Sam felt. What Sam needed. What I could do to help her. I never had to face the demons inside of me. Spencer walked in the room and sat on the floor next to me.

“Yeah, I know,” he sighed, “I was wondering how long it was going to take you to crack.” I shook my head.

“What the hell have I been doing? I feel so stupid. How on earth did I trick myself into thinking I was doing what I needed to do?” I ran my fingers through my hair.

“Because you’re a man. A married man. You think you have to ignore how you feel to help Sam and try to get life back to normal. But guess what? Life is never going to go back to normal, Freddie. It goes on, but everything is different now. I think you could have helped Sam if you would have spent time helping yourself first.” I rolled my eyes.

“How is that supposed to make me feel better?” I questioned.

“It’s not meant to make you feel better.” He looked straight ahead. I took a deep breath.

“I feel like I failed her because I couldn’t help her. And now she’s sitting in a mental hospital instead of here with me. When I married her I promised to be there for her always and I haven’t done it. It’s like I just shoved her off onto somebody else to deal with. I hate that. I hate that I can’t help her. It’s like, why the hell should she even stay with me when I couldn’t help her through this? And that’s something else completely. The entire time she was pregnant I hated Cassie and I hated Sam and I hated Brad and even though I hated Sam and I hated Cassie I loved them both. And even after Cassie was born I couldn’t accept her. Of course I was upset because she was an innocent little baby and she was Sam’s baby and maybe she was mine but I was more crushed by her dying once I knew she was MINE. And every little thing Sam did pissed me off. If she breathed the wrong way I wanted to leave. I didn’t want to be with her anymore, even after all the stuff she told me about that night. Even though I knew it wasn’t her intention and she only did it so she could come home I still wanted to leave her and tell her to deal with it on her own. And whenever some guy would look at her the wrong way I wanted to start yelling at her like it was her fault that she was such a beautiful woman. The last six months I’ve spent being so mad at her and myself because she just wouldn’t get over it and she’d do such stupid stuff like carrying that doll around but I don’t think that’s what it was at all and honestly I don’t have a clue what it is. I don’t know what makes me so mad.” I shut my eyes and leaned my head against the wall.

“I’m no therapist, but I think what you’re really mad about is that Cassie got ripped away from you when she had no chance to live and you had no chance to see her smile. Haven’t you done a ton of research on grieving? The five stages? I thought you did. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance? ”

“I did. I don’t know maybe I just didn’t look into it that much. Sam’s been in denial since day one.”

“And you’re angry. You never got to spend any time with Cassie that didn’t involve crying and hating the whole situation. But you know what, Freddie? At least you’re angry. If you weren’t I would be very concerned. What you really need to do is to take some time and really let how you feel take over. If you keep pushing it off you’re going to be the one in Troubled Waters while Sam sits at home.” He patted my leg and stood up.

“Hey Spence?” I asked. He turned back around.

“What?”

“Do you think I did what was best for her by putting her there?” he thought for a minute.

“Yeah. I really think you did. Sam’s not crazy, Freddie, she’s just not together. She was so used to having Cassie inside of her, moving around and all that. She got attached. Now she needs to learn how to live without her. She can’t do that when she’s around everything that reminds her of Cassie. There’s no way you can keep her out of here. Even if you lock the door she’ll just break it open. I think considering everything you’ve tried and everything that happened before and now that she’s talking suicide the best place for her to be is Troubled Waters. I know you want to go pull her out and try to help her all over again but face it, buddy, there’s nothing you can do. She needs to be away from here.” He frowned.

“It kills me to know she’s alone with nobody around that knows her and cares about her. Just a bunch of doctors and nurses who are used to being around crazy people and just do their job with no sort of compassion.”

“She’ll be okay. Once she gets out of this stage and moves on and gets into that group session stuff Carly was telling me about she’ll be fine. Sure, she’ll be mad, she’ll be crying all the time, she’ll be begging for God to give her Cassie back but she’ll be more normal than she is now. And you’ll be glad you did it and so will she. In the meantime maybe you should keep yourself distracted by making the apartment all nice and whatever for whenever she comes home.” He held his hand out. I took it and he pulled me up.

“Yeah, you’re right. I just hope everything’s okay. I wish I could just go there to make sure she’s alright.” I sighed.

“Just be patient. They’ll help her and then you’ll be able to talk to her every single night.” He patted me on the back and walked to the door.

“Thanks for coming over Spencer. It really helped.” He opened the door, turned and nodded.

“No problem.” He walked out the door and shut it. It was quiet again. I looked around the apartment. I knew exactly what I was going to do for Sam.


	7. Chapter 7

“What are you doing?” I turned around and Carly was standing in the doorway.

“Painting?” I thought it would have been pretty obvious as I was on a ladder with a paint roller in my hand and a paint tray on the top section of the ladder. She shut the door.

“Why are you painting?”

“Because, I need to change the mood in this apartment before Sam comes home and it will keep me from going insane.” I went back to painting the ceiling. Carly set her jacket on the couch.

“And this is going to change the mood how?” She was looking around.

“Because, if I change the colors in the apartment and rearrange everything she’ll feel like she’s in a completely different apartment. It will be a fresh start for her where she won’t have to be reminded of everything.” I set the roller down and climbed off the ladder. Carly stared at me like I was crazy.

“What?”

“You’re going to paint the whole apartment by yourself?” she put her hands on her hips and I nodded.

“Yes. I don’t know how long she’s going to be in Troubled Waters. I need something to do. I’m too distracted to go to work. Painting the whole apartment by myself gives me something to do while I can still think about Sam and not worry about pissing somebody off. Come on. I already finished our room.” I walked towards the bedroom and Carly followed. I decided to paint our room a deep red. It was relaxing and romantic, especially since I moved the bed under the window and bought new lamps for the side tables. I had some incense that I would put in here whenever I found out she was coming home. Carly looked around.

“I see your point. If I hadn’t been in here a million times before,” the thought was a little creepy. Carly shouldn’t have spent so much time in the room I shared with my wife, “then I definitely would not recognize this room.” She folded her arms. I walked back into the kitchen and she followed.

“And you decided to do yellow in here?” she asked. I nodded.

“Yup, like sunshine. It’s just perfect because besides our bedroom this is her favorite place to be.” I smirked. Yeah, she definitely loved our room more.

“That makes sense.” Carly said and walked into the livingroom.

“What are you doing in here?” she asked. I turned around and looked into the livingroom.

“It’s going to be green. Here,” I held out a color card and she walked to me and grabbed it, “this is it.” She looked at it for a minute and then handed it back.

“Impressive.” She nodded. I heard my phone ringing in my room so I climbed off of the ladder again and went to grab it.

_Sam Calling_

Not again. I couldn’t handle listening to her beg anymore.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hi baby.” She sounded different this time, almost happier.

“Hey, did you sneak your phone again?” she laughed. I hadn’t heard her laugh in almost six months. It was the best sound in the world.

“No, they gave it to me. Said as long as I keep going to the sessions and don’t say anything stupid I can keep it.” Hearing her voice made me miss her even more. It also made me more confident in putting her in there.

“I miss you.” I said. I heard her sigh.

“I miss you, too. So much. I wish I was home or you were here. I hate going to bed alone and waking up alone and never being able to see you.”

“Soon, baby. As soon as you’re better you’ll be home. Then we can make up for lost time.” I laughed. She laughed with me.

“I think that sounds a lot better now than it ever did before.”

“What are you doing in there?” I asked her. I didn’t want to be too serious, but I had to know.

“Well, I wake up in the morning and I take a shower and then the nurses come in and they ask me how I’m feeling and they check my room to make sure I didn’t sneak in any knives or rope or whatever. Then they walk me into the group area and everyone just sits around and eats and chatters away with whatever crazy stuff they have to say. Then they walk me back to my room and I have time to basically do nothing because there’s nothing I want to do here. They come back an hour later and they give me a notepad and a pen and they tell me to write about Cassie and I don’t know, I guess it helps writing about her. Writing about everything I wish I could be doing with her and everything I miss about her and all the things I feel. They stand outside the door when I’m writing because I think they’re scared I’m going to try ripping my skin apart with the pen or give myself paper cuts or something. And then when I finish writing down everything I’ll look at the door and they’ll come back in and talk to me about it. Like one on one. We just talk and whoever I’m talking to tells me that everything I’m feeling is normal and it shouldn’t scare me. And at 2:00 every day they bring me downstairs in the basement where this big session is held with mothers who have lost their babies and we’re all in different stages of grief they said. So they told me I’m angry, which makes sense. I just don’t understand how I got such shitty luck. There are moms out there who just leave their kids or beat them or starve them and they get to have all these kids running around and I don’t even get my daughter. Well there’s this one mom there, her name is Tonya, and she’s in the acceptance stage so she’s almost done with the sessions and she keeps telling us all that it gets better. And I guess it does because I don’t need to hold onto Cassie as much as I did before. They said when I get out I’ll have to keep doing the sessions until I can accept that Cassie isn’t coming back. I wish she would. I wish I could just hold her once with her heart beating and her smiling and laughing and being happy. There’s nothing I could want more. The session is usually like two hours long so I go back and they just let me do whatever and then I go to bed. It’s kind of boring.” She sounded different, not sad, not happy. Just different. I sighed.

“And how are you feeling, sweetheart?” I asked. She hesitated a second.

“Better. Still hurts a lot. I still want her. I still sometimes think it’s just a horrible nightmare, but I’m better. I don’t think you could have done anything better for me. I mean, the first night I was here I was so mad at you. I thought you just wanted to give up on me. I thought you just wanted to get rid of me because I wasn’t handling it like you do. And the second night I was really out of it. I wanted to break out of here and go home and be with you, so I snuck my phone and I hoped you would just give in and tell me you were coming to get me, but you didn’t. And when you hung up the last time and they came in and they took my phone I realized that you weren’t going to come get me and I felt really hurt. I thought you didn’t love me anymore. So I went to bed and when I woke up the next morning and they started doing this writing thing with me I realized that not only are you the most amazing man on the planet, you’re also the smartest and the strongest.”

“I will always love you. I only do what’s best for you. There was no way you were going to get better over here.”

“I know. And I’m so sorry I put you through all that. I still can’t believe I was so stupid. Cassie was your daughter, too, and you were handling everything better than I could even dream of doing. It was so wrong of me to tell you I’d rather die than live without Cassie—“

“I knew you wouldn’t jump, Sam.”

“No, you didn’t. You hoped I wouldn’t. I wanted to. I wanted to just take away my own life because I felt like somehow I took away Cassie’s. But you lost her too, and if the situation was reversed I would be so pissed that you’d even think about leaving me behind like that.”

“I’m not mad, you didn’t know what you were doing.”

“I know. But I have to go. I miss you a lot. I wish I could see you. Hopefully soon they’ll let me see people. You’ll come see me when they let you right?”

“Of course, baby. I need to see you. I’m going crazy without you.”

“Well maybe you should come stay in Troubled Waters for a while then.” She laughed. It was nice to know she was better and that things were finally looking up. I was happy she was out of the denial part of this. I knew as soon as she realized and faced that Cassie wasn’t coming back that she’d start to go back to being herself.

“I might have to take you up on that offer.” I smiled. She couldn’t see it, but Sam knew. We had been together for so long that she could tell what kind of mood I was in by how I talked.

“I love you more than words could say.” She whispered. It made me sad. I hated hearing it on the phone without seeing her face. Especially since I hadn’t seen her in so long.

“I love you, too. Behave. Get better so you can come home.”

“That’s the plan, Freddio.”

“I’ll be waiting for you to tell me I can come see you. You better tell me as soon as they tell you. I don’t care if I’m working or taking a shower or whatever. As soon as you tell me I can see you I’ll be there.”

“Well, make sure you put some clothes on first. I don’t need the crazies in here trying to get a piece of that.” She laughed again and I joined her.

“I’ll be sure to wear clothes, baby. I love you with all that I am and more.”

“I love you, too, Freddie. I’ll call you again tomorrow. Bye.” She hung up the phone and my world felt a little bit lighter. I turned around and Carly was standing in the doorway. I had forgotten I wasn’t alone in the apartment.

“How is she?” Carly asked. I smiled.

“Better. She’s back to telling jokes and laughing. She no longer believes Cassie is alive…most of the time.” Carly half smiled.

“You know, I’m not sure that anything sounds worse than hearing a screen thrown across a room right before your best friend says she wants to die.”

“She’s getting better, Carly. It won’t happen overnight, but this is helping her. In the meantime, you’re going to help me get this place ready for her to come home.”

“I am?”

“You are. Let’s go.”


	8. Chapter 8

Spencer and I were laying on the livingroom floor staring at the ceiling. It could have had to do with the fact that we just moved every piece of furniture in the room at least six times, but it was probably because we had spent the last three days with Carly listening to her ramble on and on about her latest love interest.

“….and oh my God you guys, this one time Michael and I went to this really cool—“

“CARLY!” Spencer had his hands over his ears and was shaking his head back and forth. I had to laugh. I could only imagine how much of this he had to put up with.

“What?” she walked out of the bathroom, where I had stuck her to rearrange things and paint, and looked at us on the floor.

“If I have to hear you talk about Michael or Jack or Luke or whoever you’re obsessed with this week one more time I’m going to suck my brains out with a vacuum!”

“Spencer! I’ve been seeing Michael for three weeks!”

“I don’t care!” Carly rolled her eyes and walked back into the bathroom mumbling to herself. I turned to Spencer and we laughed.

“I suppose we should finish in here.” Spencer mumbled. I nodded and stood up and then helped him off of the floor.

“You’re getting old, man.” I laughed. He lunged at me.

“I may be old but I can still take you down.” We started wrestling around.

“You sure about that? You might break a hip.” I laughed again. My phone started ringing and I stood up.

“Okay, truce buddy. Gotta answer the phone.” I ran into my room.

_Sam Calling_

My heart stopped for a second. I hadn’t talked to her in two days. She had been too busy to call.

“Hey, baby. What are you doing?” I answered.

“Hey! Are you busy?” I could just imagine her jumping around.

“No, why?”

“Well then get in your car and come over here!” she laughed.

“Seriously? You’re free to be social?”

“Yeah! And I miss you. Come see me. And bring some normal clothes for me.”

“Okay, I’m leaving right now. I’ll see you soon baby.” I hung up the phone, stuffed her duffel bag with a bunch of clothes and ran back to the livingroom grabbing the keys on the way out.

“Where are you going?” Spencer yelled after me.

“Sam!” I ran out of the apartment, down the stairs and to the car. After over a week of being alone I could finally see her face.

X

I pressed the buzzer over and over until they opened the door. I probably looked stupid but they had to be used to it. Maybe. Maybe not. I walked up to the desk and set my hands on the desk.

“Where’s Sam?”

“She’s in her room. I’ll bring you there.” She came out from behind the desk and led me through one door, down the hall and to another door. Suddenly I was nervous. I could see Sam pacing back and forth. Apparently she was nervous too. The nurse unlocked the door and opened it and Sam turned around. She smiled as I walked in. I set her bag on the bed as she jumped at me. I hadn’t realized how much I missed being around her until she was in my arms.

“I’m so happy to see you.” She mumbled. I nodded.

“Me too.” The nurse shut the door and Sam backed away and looked at me.

“Why are you covered in paint?” she laughed.

“That’s not important.”

“If you say so.” She opened her bag and started throwing her clothes all over her bed. I pulled her back to me.

“You don’t have to do that right now.” She turned around, but instead of smiling she looked like she was going to cry.

“You didn’t bring any pictures of Cassie.” She sighed.

“I didn’t know you wanted them?” I said. Sam sighed again.

“It’s okay,” she smiled, “at least I have you.” She kissed me.

“I’m sorry baby.” I told her. She shook her head.

“It’s fine. Really. Probably better I’m not looking at her picture every day.” She looked me in the eye.

“I love you, Samantha Benson.” I smiled. She hugged me.

“I love you way more.” She laughed. I shook my head.

“No way, princess.”

“Yes way.” I kissed her again. There was a knock on the door and Sam moved away from me. She looked at the clock on the wall and then the door opened.

“Ready, Sam?” they handed her a notepad and a pen and she sat on the bed as they walked out. She looked sad all over again. I sat next to her and she started writing. I watched her for a while. I didn’t want to interrupt her. I layed back on her bed and closed my eyes. All I could her was her writing. We sat there for 20 minutes while she wrote and then she stopped and looked at the door. The nurse came in and sat in a chair across from her. The nurse looked at me.

“He can stay. He’s my husband.” Sam said. The nurse nodded and Sam handed her the notepad. She read it and then started talking to her. I tuned her out. This was private between Sam and the nurse. I had no reason to listen in on it.

“Babe?” Sam shook me.

“What?”

“Do you want to go to my session with me today?” I looked at the nurse and then back at Sam.

“Do you want me to?” I asked her. She looked down at her hands.

“Kind of. But if you don’t want to you don’t have to.” I sat up and kissed her cheek.

“Of course I’ll come with you, sweetheart.” She half smiled and the nurse left.

“You really don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I want to make you happy and if it makes you happy then I will do it. How are you feeling?”

“Confused. I don’t know. I miss her a lot. I just wish I could have her back. It’s not fair. I should have my baby. I did everything I had to do for her. I would have been a really fantastic mother, babe. She would have been the most loved baby in the world.” She wiped her eyes and I pulled her to me.

“I know, Sam. But you know what? We’ll have more babies. Lots more. As many as you want. And if you want to live in a giant mansion I’ll go out and buy one. And if you want to have 17 more children I’ll never stop you. I know your upset about not having Cassie. Trust me, I know how you feel. I hate so much that we didn’t get to have our daughter, but that doesn’t mean that anybody thinks you’re a bad mother. It doesn’t mean that anybody thinks you did anything wrong. It doesn’t mean she wouldn’t have been the most baby in the world. Honestly, I think Cassie is still the most loved baby in the entire universe. By you and me.” She started crying again.

“I’m just so….I don’t know. I don’t get it. I would have given up everything for her. Why do these people who don’t even want kids and just treat their babies like shit get them? Nothing ever happens to them. I know I’m not perfect but why did God take my baby away from me and not one of those babies?”

“I don’t know, babe. But I love you. I will always be here for you. Always.” I rubbed her back and she slowly stopped crying. I kissed her forehead.

“I love you, too, Freddie.” She whispered. There was another knock on the door.

“Sam? Ready for group?” the nurse asked. Sam nodded and stood up. I followed her. She took my hand.

“Ready?” she smiled up at me.

“Ready.” I smiled back and we followed the nurse out of the room.


	9. Chapter 9

The basement of Troubled Waters was a lot different than I expected. Usually when you think of a basement you think of cement walls, spider webs, echoing. Not here. It looked almost like a livingroom. There were three couches, a chair and a coffee table. The room already had a bunch of women sitting around when we got down there. They were talking and they didn’t stop to stare at us. It was nice to not have people staring like we were from a different world. Sam sat down and I sat next to her. She never let go of my hand and every few seconds she would look at me and smile.

“Hey, Sam. Is this your famous husband?” the girl sitting next to Sam looked at me and smiled.

“Yes.” Sam looked at me and smiled. I smiled back at her.

“It’s great to finally meet the man that loves you.” This girl said. Sam nodded.

“Yeah, he’s done a lot for me than I ever expected.” She looked at the floor and the girl put her hand on Sam’s shoulder.

“That’s because he loves you. He wants you to get better and you will. Just remember that he didn’t put you in here because he couldn’t stand being around you anymore. He did the most selfless thing a husband could do for his wife.” The girl whispered. She had to be the reason Sam came to her senses so soon.

“I know,” she looked at me again, “and I love him a lot too” she smiled and I put my arm around her shoulders so I could pull her closer to me.

“I’m Tonya, by the way.” The girl introduced herself. The famous Tonya. The girl who was almost done with these sessions. The only one to know what life holds after you’ve let go.

“Nice to meet you, Tonya. I’m Freddie.” She laughed.

“I know who you were. Sam talks about you all the time.”

“Okay ladies, let’s get started shall we? I’m sure you’ve all seen our visitor. This is Sam’s husband, Freddie. He’ll be sitting in on today’s session. So, today I want to start out with everyone writing one word that describes exactly how you’re feeling right now. Just one word. Remember we are in a judgment free zone. Everyone in this room is at a different stage of grief. Some of you are angry, some of you are sad, some of you have come to accept your child’s death. We all know how it feels to be in this situation. I’m not too concerned, you are all great women.” She started handing a piece of paper and a pen to everyone in the room and then handed one to me.

“It’s not just for mothers.” The lady smiled. I suddenly felt very awkward in the room full of women. Sam looked at me and smiled.

“Just however you feel, babe, whenever you think of Cassie.” She whispered. She turned back to her paper and closed her eyes. Sam was far from the woman I married. Calm, collected, quiet Sam. That wasn’t her. I kind of liked it, but it freaked me out. I decided to follow her lead and I closed my eyes and thought of Cassie. As soon as her face popped into my head I felt guilty. How did I look at my child and still doubt she was mine? I thought this whole dad thing was supposed to make me sure she was mine. Apparently not. I wrote guilt on the paper and the lady started talking again.

“Okay, we’re going to go around the room. Everyone is going to tell us what word you used to describe how you feel and we’ll talk about it a little bit. Please start with “when I think about your child’s name I feel…” We do this so you understand why you feel how you feel and so that you can open yourself up to help. As we always say, we can’t help you unless you want the help. Does anybody want to start?” she looked around and Tonya raised her hand.

“I’ll start.” She said. The lady looked at her and smiled. Tonya took a deep breath.

“When I think about Carter I feel proud.”

“Why do you feel proud when you think about Carter, Tonya?”

“Because, when the doctor told me his heart had stopped I just wanted to keep him inside of me. I didn’t want to give him up. He was MY son and I didn’t feel they had a right to take him away from me. But after I thought about it I knew I had to give Carter the chance to actually rest in peace. If I didn’t do that I would never feel complete. I would give anything for Carter, even if it hurt me. So I gave birth to my sleeping son so he could have a chance to have peace. That is why I’m proud, because I didn’t just say I would do anything for him, I actually did it. I put my son first even when it hurt.”

“That’s very good, Tonya. You should be proud of yourself. You should all be proud of yourselves. You’ve all done something that no other mother could imagine having to do. You had to give birth to a sleeping child. That’s the bravest and most selfless thing a mom could do. And don’t let anybody tell you any differently. Okay, Sam. You ready?” I looked at my wife as she took a deep breath and nodded.

“When I think about Cassie I feel confused.” Confused. She had told me about this a little bit.

“Why do you feel confused when you think about Cassie, Sam?”

“Because I can’t understand what happened. She moved around a lot, mostly at night. But the further along I got the more she moved and the more often she moved. It was just weird to suddenly wake up and everything was different. I still don’t understand how it could have happened. She seemed fine. I just wish I knew what went wrong so I can stop it from happening again.”

“Thank you for sharing that with us, Sam. Just one thing I wanted to let you know that stood out to me. I heard you say you wish you knew what went wrong so you can stop it from happening again. The reason that stands out to me is because I remember in the past you’ve said you feel like Cassie’s death is your fault. It is not your fault. It can be hard to understand how it isn’t your fault, but as a mother you did everything you had to do for your baby. Nothing you did caused Cassie to pass on before her time.” Sam nodded and looked down at her paper.

“I think it would be easier to understand if I had some sort of answer. Some reason why she got taken away from me.”

“We’ve all felt that way. The only thing I can tell you is that I believe God takes people he knows will be great help to Him. Guardian angels. Young or old, God needs angels and He only takes the best to be his special angels. Every child that has passed on is a special angel, especially your Cassie.” Sam nodded again and smiled. She looked happy to hear that Cassie was special. Even though we both knew how special Cassie was, it was nice to hear it. I pulled her closer to me again and she sighed. I loved every sound she made far more than I had before.

“Okay, Freddie. I think we’re all interested to hear from a man’s perspective.” The lady said. I turned to Sam for a second.

“Do they know the whole story? Brad included?” I whispered. She nodded.

“Yup, day one is laying everything out there.” She mumbled back. It was weird. I didn’t feel like I needed to do this. I knew how to handle life without my daughter, but Sam wanted this. And as I’ve said before, whatever Sam wants she gets.

“When I think about Cassie I feel guilty.”

“Why do you feel guilty when you think about Cassie, Freddie?” I was seeing a pattern. I think the woman wanted everyone to hear their child’s name so that whatever feeling they had when they wrote whatever they wrote would come back and help them explain what was on their mind.

“Because I felt worse about her death when I knew she was mine than I did when she was born. I mean, it did suck a lot because she was an innocent little baby and she was Sam’s baby and there was still a chance she was mine, but I think when she was born I was too worried that she wasn’t mine that I didn’t even think about how it felt to lose her.”

“Thank you, Freddie. So often in these situations we focus on the mother and not the father. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with how you felt when Cassie was born considering the situation. At one of our meetings Sam shared that she had also been afraid of Cassie not being your child and she expressed that she was relieved when she found out she was. I think that it’s a lot harder to bond with your child when that fear is always in your head. The important thing is that you acknowledge that Cassie is your child and go on through the grieving process.” I looked at Sam and she looked tired. She always looked tired. It must have to do with being so emotional all the time.

“Okay, Carrie. Please share with us how you feel.”

“When I think about Jocelyn I feel helpless.”

“Why do you feel helpless when you think about Jocelyn, Carrie?”

“Because I can’t control my emotions anymore. I spent so much time trying to cover up how I felt that I ended up just losing it one day and nobody around me knew what to do. Now that I have no control over my feelings I feel like I can’t get help. It’s hard to get help when I can’t even straighten out how I feel.”

“You are not alone, Carrie. Everyone in this room has felt helpless, like we can’t control how we feel. It’s difficult, but help is not out of reach. Just talking about how you’re feeling to someone you trust or even writing it down in a journal will help you sort through whatever is going on. Sometimes if you ask someone to give you a word you’ll end up sorting through whatever you’re feeling a lot faster. One word can trigger a lot of things.” The girl named Carried nodded and I realized that there were a lot of people who felt how Sam and I felt. It wasn’t something weird that we were going through, other people knew how we were feeling. It still felt awkward sitting in this room.

The lady kept going around the room and as much as it probably would have made sense to listen to them I couldn’t. Sam was leaning against me and all I could focus on was her. She was so amazing. She continued to watch and listen to whoever was talking. She had really changed. The old Sam would have fallen asleep by now.

“Okay ladies, and Freddie, we’re going to play a little game. This game is called “One Word.” Are we seeing a theme here? Everything we do today is going to be based on one word. I’m going to say a word and you respond with the first word that comes in your head when you hear it. Ready?” everyone nodded, but I just wanted to be alone with Sam. If this wasn’t so important to her I would have just told her to ditch it. I didn’t want to sound like I didn’t care about the things that were helping Sam, but it just wasn’t something I was into. She needed it. I needed to be alone with her.

“Okay, Carrie, we’ll start with you and go around the room. First word is winter.”

“Snow.”

“Christmas.”

“Cold.”

“Empty.”

“Clock.”

“Scent.” Sam had her eyes closed, but she knew exactly what she was doing. Scent? How did winter remind her of the word scent?

“Work.” I remembered how I worked more last winter than I had any time before. Probably because I didn’t want to be around Sam that much after the whole thing happened.

“Okay, next word is bed.”

“Rest.”

“Sleep.”

“Warm.”

“Home.”

“Love.”

“Sex.” What? Sam was just weird. She said it like it was nothing. I stared at her but she ignored me.

“Life?” I said. I didn’t know what to say. I still couldn’t believe Sam. I suppose it made sense, though. She wasn’t completely different, just a little bit.

“Okay, last word. Breath.”

“Air.”

“Life.”

“Peace.”

“Hurt.”

“Diving.”

“Wish.”

“Love.” Yes, love. I loved Sam. I loved Cassie. Every breath I took, every ounce of life in my body was dedicated to loving them.

“Okay, I’m going to cut this a bit short today because I have an assignment for all of you. I want you all to write a song to your child. Anything you wish you could sing to them in life. We’ll spend some time going over these songs tomorrow. I want you to somehow imply the words you came up with today in your songs. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” Sam stood up and I followed her out of the basement. We walked back up to her room.

“I’d rather be at home. It’s kind of boring here. Same thing every day.”

“I know, baby. But same old boring stuff every day is helping you get through this. I miss you, too.” The nurse opened the door and we went back in, allowing the door to shut behind us. Sam sat on the bed.

“You okay?” I asked her. She sighed.

“Yeah, just hard sometimes. Now that I know she’s really gone it just hurts. Especially when I start to put my hand on my stomach like I’m going to feel her move around and she’s just not there.” I sat next to her as she started playing with her fingernails. I took her hand.

“She’s never really gone, Sam. She’s always with us, even if we can’t hold her.” she nodded.

“I know.” I turned her face so she was looking at me.

“I’m serious. I know it hurts, sweetheart, but she never really left us. She’s still our baby. She’s still loved and adored. She’s just a little further away then we’d prefer her to be.” Sam smiled.

“I think that’s the best thing I’ve heard since I came here.”

“You look tired.” I said. She nodded.

“I am tired.”

“Do you want me to go?”

“Hell no. I want you to stay here until I can go home.”

“I don’t think they’ll let me do that, babe.”

“Well, then at least stay for a little longer. We can take a nap together. I haven’t been allowed to sleep next to you in over a week. It’s killing me.” I chuckled.

“Okay, baby. But I think we need to put all these clothes away first.” We looked at the bed and she stood up. She started putting the clothes back in the duffel bag.

“That doesn’t qualify as putting them away.” I laughed. Sam stopped and threw her bag on the floor. Then she kissed me. I was taken back to our wedding night. The way she kissed me now was the same way she kissed me that night. Every time she kissed me like that I fell more in love with her. It reminded me of the crazy girl I had fallen in love with in the first place.

“Okay, Sam. I’m almost 100% sure you aren’t supposed to do that.” I laughed.

“I’m almost 100% sure nobody cares what I do when I’m in here.” She kissed me again.

“They might care if they walk past here and see you on top of me.”

“Nah.”

“Yes. Come on, Sam. You know I’m stronger than you and I don’t want to make you stop.”

“Then don’t.”

“Sam…” she groaned but moved away from me.

“You are such a nub, Frederly.”

“Yes, I know.” Sam layed down and I layed next to her putting my arm over her.

“I can’t wait to go home. They told me once I’m more stable in my head, like, not bipolar or something—“

“Do they even know who you are?” she bit me.

“That doesn’t hurt.” I laughed.

“That wasn’t funny. Anyway, they told me when I was more stable in the head and they felt I could function outside of here I can go home. I’ve been trying really hard to get to that point. I think trying to force it is what is holding me back, so I’m trying to relax more and take it one day at a time. But I want to be home with you instead of here. I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up to your stupid notes.”

“I know, babe, my stupid notes make you smile. You save them all.”

“No I don’t.” she mumbled.

“Yes you do, they’re in the closet.”

“What do you go through everything I own?”

“No, I was taking something off of the shelf and the box fell. Don’t worry about it, babe. I think it’s cute.”

“It is NOT cute, I just don’t like being home alone for 12 hours a day. They make me feel like you’re with me.”

“Okay, Sam.”

“I’m serious.”

“I believe you, now go to sleep.” I closed my eyes and listened to her breathe for a minute.

“Hey…” she said.

“What?” I asked.

“I love you.” She mumbled. I smiled. It was so nice to hear it. I didn’t need to hear it, I already knew it, but when she said it everything inside of me felt weird. Even after all these years she could make my heart race with her words.

“I love you, too, princess Benson.” Sam and I fell asleep moments later.


	10. Chapter 10

I woke up when a nurse shook me. It was dark in the room and when my eyes adjusted I saw Sam was still asleep.

“Visiting hours are over, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.” The nurse whispered. I sat up slowly and tried to be as quiet as possible so I wouldn’t wake Sam up. It didn’t work. Sam had somehow become a light sleeper in the last week.

“Where are you going?” she mumbled, sitting up. She yawned.

“I have to go home, babe.” I whispered. She shook her head.

“No, stay here.” She whined. I sighed.

“I would if I could and you know that, but there are rules. I promise I’ll come see you tomorrow after your session if you want me to.” She leaned against me and I hugged her.

“Don’t you have to work tomorrow?”

“Yes, but I got promoted. I don’t have to work 12 hours a day anymore so now I’ll be home with you more.” She raised her head.

“You got promoted?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” She smiled.

“Baby, that’s great! See? I told you all that work would pay off.” I laughed.

“You’ve never said that to me, Sam.”

“Yes I have. Just now.” The nurse cleared her throat behind me and Sam’s face fell again. She looked down.

“Hey,” I put my hand on her face and she looked at me, “I promise I will come and see you tomorrow sweetheart. Okay?” she nodded and I kissed her.

“I love you. Go back to sleep. Time will fly and before you know it I’ll be back here.” She leaned her head on my shoulder again. She wasn’t going to let me leave without a fight.

“Sammy, come on. I have to go. Rules are rules.”

“But it’s only 8:30.” She really had perfected her whining. If it was any other situation it would be annoying, but now it was just kind of cute. I kissed her again.

“That isn’t helping your argument.” She whispered. I chuckled and moved her away from me.

“I know. I love you, Sam. Behave.” She smiled.

“I love you, too, and now that you’re leaving I suppose I have to.” She laughed and I followed the nurse out of the room.

“She’s really been doing a lot better lately.” The nurse said. I shrugged.

“That’s because she can talk to people who care about her. Plus she has that group of women that make her feel less alone in this.”

“Yeah, that group is usually very helpful to our patients.” I stopped for a second and the nurse turned around.

“When can she leave?” I asked seriously. The nurse sighed.

“I couldn’t tell you at this point. She’s doing better, but when she writes about Cassie she concerns us. She’s really just trying to cover up how she feels when she’s around other people. What she writes about Cassie is something completely different.”

“What does she write?”

“We can’t share that with you. It’s confidential. But I can tell you this, as soon as we feel she’s ready to leave you’ll be the second one we tell.” She started walking again and I followed her to the door at the end of the hallway. She opened it.

“I think having you come see her will help. Maybe she’ll start talking more about Cassie to you. That will help her, knowing there’s somebody outside of here that will help her get through this process.” I walked out the door and into the gathering area.

“I sure hope so. We’re painting and shifting the apartment around so she doesn’t have a million reminders of Cassie when she gets home.”

“That’s a start. We’ll see you tomorrow, Freddie.” I waved at the nurse and walked out of Troubled Waters.

X

“Benson, what are you doing back here?” Jack didn’t seem pleased to see me.

“Well, I was hoping to work.” I laughed. Jack cracked a smile. Yup, I could make him crack a smile. It was a very hard thing to accomplish.

“Well what are you standing around for? Let’s get going. We start in fifteen minutes.” I walked over to the anchor table. Carly was sitting with Michael. It was weird to see her when I went to work, especially since I thought she was supposed to just be a temp.

“Hey, how’s Sam?” Carly asked. I shrugged.

“Better. The whole mental hospital thing is changing her. Anyway, today we’re just sticking with camera 2. Mitchell has no idea what he’s doing, so I’m going to have to re-train him.” I walked away from the table and over to Mark. He moved out of the way and I looked on the camera screen.

“Adam, shift the lights to the left a little.” The lights moved over and I adjusted the camera. I walked back over to Jack.

“Carly said you saw Sam yesterday. How is she doing?” Jack asked. I smiled.

“She’s doing pretty good. A lot better than before. I’m going to see her again after work today.” Jack started playing around with something in front of him.

“When’s she going to go home?”

“I don’t know, hopefully soon.”

“Well, good luck to you both. Let’s get this show on the road,” he turned away from me and walked across the studio, “alright, listen up! As some of you already know, we decided to hire Carly as our new anchor. She does exactly what she’s supposed to do and she’s got serious skill as an anchor. Anyway, no jokes today! We’re talking about some serious stuff today! Now the other day we had some problems with ear pieces not being plugged into the radios. If we have it again, everyone that didn’t check their radios will be fired. Let’s go. Mark, cue.”

“Alright, let’s make it count. In 5, 4, 3, 2…” he pointed to Michael and he started talking. Jack leaned over to me and started pressing buttons on a keypad.

“Pay attention. This button will switch the cameras. This button zooms. This button cues reporters during a live story,” he was trying to whisper, but Jack’s voice was too rough for a whisper, “tomorrow I’m putting you in charge of this spot. I have to bring my son and his wife to the airport. His mother can’t do it because she’s lazy as hell.” It surprised me. I knew Jack was tough, but I never thought he’d trash talk his ex-wife to an employee.

“Okay. Sounds good.” He turned back to Carly and Michael and we didn’t talk the rest of the news show.

X

I was just finishing putting together the reports for the night when Jack walked into the office.

“Hey, check this out.” I waved him over and he looked at the screen. He watched the reports cut together and nodded.

“Looks good. Now get out of here. Go see your wife.” He patted my back. I stood up and walked out of the studio. I got in the car and drove over to Troubled Waters. I was really excited to see Sam again. Maybe today she would be in a better mood than she was yesterday and we could hang out instead of sleeping. I pulled in the parking lot of Troubled Waters and walked into the hospital. The same nurse from yesterday was standing behind the desk. She let me in and then brought me to Sam’s room. Sam was laying on the bed and she looked like she was sleeping. I sat on the bed by her and she opened her eyes.

“Hey babe.” I whispered. She sat up and leaned against me.

“Hi.”

“You tired?” I asked her. She shook her head.

“No.” she mumbled. I moved my arm from under her and wrapped it around her.

“Well what’s wrong then, angel?”

“Nothing.” I sighed.

“I think if you talked to me about it you would feel better.” She looked up at me and I kissed her.

“Okay. I don’t know, I’ve just been thinking about Cassie a lot lately. I just feel like I don’t deserve to be happy when she’s in the ground.”

“What makes you feel that way?”

“It just feels like I didn’t give her everything I had and that because I feel like I could have done more for her and I didn’t I shouldn’t be allowed to be happy. It makes me feel like I just got rid of her.” she sighed. I kissed the top of her head.

“I know how you feel, baby. But you didn’t just get rid of her. She knows you love her, and she loves you too because you gave her something that only you could give her. And you know what? I love you. You can be happy. I’m sure Cassie wouldn’t be very happy to see her mommy sad like this.” Sam smiled.

“I love you, too. Thanks for coming to see me.”

“You’re welcome. I couldn’t stay away from you.” She laughed.

“I know,” she kissed me, “and you can’t say no to me either.” I pushed her back a bit.

“Wanna bet?”

“Yes, let’s bet Fredward. I bet you $100 that I can get you to give in to me in five minutes or less.”

“You’re on, Samantha.” She didn’t have a clue what she just signed herself up for. Even if she somehow won the bet it was only $100. That was nothing. Besides, unless she whipped out some new way to turn me on I had seen it all before. She put her hand on my face and looked at me, pouting.

“Gonna try to guilt me into having sex with you?” I laughed and she did too.

“Nope.” She stood up.

“What are you doing?” I asked her. She took my hands and I stood up.

“You’ll see.” She pulled me into her bathroom and shut the door.

“This is your plan? Trying to lock me in a ba—“ yup. That was her plan. Not letting me leave until I gave her what she wanted. I pushed her back a little and laughed.

“Nice try, Sam. But it’s just a door. See,” I turned to the door and grabbed the handle, “I can just turn this—“ the door was locked. She was smarter than I gave her credit for. She folded her arms and smiled.

“You were saying?”

“You’re clever, but not clever enough. Time is ticking, Sam.” She laughed and walked towards me again.

“Oh Freddie, as if you could go five minutes telling me no. You’ve never been able to.” She ran her fingers through my hair and smiled. It was a look only Sam could pull off. I shook my head.

“Not gonna work, Sam.” I laughed.

“I can still enjoy kissing you.” She mumbled and kissed me again. Her mouth tasted like watermelon.

“Are you chewing gum?” I asked her. She nodded.

“Yup.” I looked at my watch and kissed her.

“You lose.”

“Okay, you win. What do you want?”

“Well….” I kissed her again.

X

“Okay, babe. I have to go before the nurses get mad at me. I’ll come see you again tomorrow.”

“Will you bring a picture of Cassie?” I turned around and looked at her.

“Do you really want me to?”

“Yes. I’d like to have some reason to let go. Every day I feel like her face slips out of my mind more and more.” I walked up to her.

“Okay, I’ll bring a picture of her to you.” I hugged her and she sighed.

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“I know.”

“Can’t we just hide you in the bathroom until the nurses shut down the wing for the night?”

“No, I’m sure they’re a lot smarter than that.” She looked up at me and I kissed her.

“I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow. Before you know it you’ll be out of here.”

“I love you, more. And I hope so.”

“You want to start with that game?” I smirked and she laughed.

“If it keeps you here.”

“Okay, fine. I love you so much I had sex with you in the bathroom of a mental hospital. I win. I’ll see you tomorrow, babe.” I kissed her again and walked out the door.


	11. Chapter 11

“Okay, so now we have the camera where it needs to be, don’t touch it unless I tell you to.” Mitchell, our new camera guy, was stupid as anyone could be. Now that I was teaching him how to be behind the camera I realized how simple it really was. You stand behind the camera and if you’re told to shift it one way or another you do it. Other than that you just watch for lighting and listen for camera cues. For some reason he thought he needed to hold onto the camera while he appeared to have a seizure. Mitchell nodded at me and I went back to the anchor table.

“We’re going to try camera one again today. Maybe Mitchell gets it now. So we’ll start on camera 1, but if he messes it up again we’ll turn to camera 2 and stick with it. Pay close attention to your radios today in case I have to switch the camera at a random point in time. So we’ll start on camera 1, switch to camera 2 after the story about the president. Break after the story about the Seattle Sky Needle. Back to camera 2, switch to camera 1 after the story about the new restaurant. Break after the story about the kid that drowned. Back on camera 1, switch to camera two after the story about the zoo. Then you’ll sign off and we’ll meet in the conference room.”

“You seem like you’re in a better mood today.” Carly laughed.

“Zip it, Carly.” I walked away smiling. Carly was always in the know, even when we didn’t tell her. I walked back to the monitor.

“Okay everyone! Check your radios! Mark, check the lighting! Carly and Michael, make sure you pay close attention to your radios today! Mitchell, don’t touch the camera unless I tell you to move it. Are we ready to go? Mark, cue.”

“Sounds good, boss. Alright, let’s make it count! In 5, 4, 3, 2….” He pointed to the anchor table and I sat down behind the monitor. It was weird not having Jack around, I wasn’t used to being in charge.

“Okay, Adam. Shift the lighting down a bit.” I whispered into the radio. My phone started vibrating in my pocket and I pulled it out.

_Jack calling_

Jack calling me in the middle of shooting the news show? I stood up and walked away from the cameras.

“Hey, Jack. We’re shooting right now.”

“I know. How’s it going?”

“Just fine.”

“Good. Hey, last night Matt and I put together tonight’s news show, so you don’t have to stick around to have the meeting and everything. Matt’s coming in after the morning news so you can go see Sam.”

“Jack, I could have handled it. Besides, Sam has her group session from 2 until 4.”

“Well maybe you can go work on the apartment some more. I don’t know. But there’s no reason for you to stay there. I know you could have handled it, but right now Sam is more important.” I sighed.

“Okay fine. I gotta go. Bye.” I hung up the phone and walked back to the cameras. Carly was just finishing her sentence.

“And we’re clear.” Mark said. Carly stood up and walked over.

“So, what did you and Sam do yesterday?” she folded her arms with a smile.

“Carly, we’re at work.” I looked at the monitor.

“Oh please, everyone’s talking.” I looked up at her.

“Everyone’s talking about personal life?”

“No, not really. Just me. Just tell me!”

“All we did is hang out, Carly. Jeez.”

“That’s not what Sam said.” She sang. I rolled my eyes.

“Back to the table.” I turned her around and she walked back in front of the camera.

“Mark, cue.”

“And we’re back in 5, 4, 3, 2…”

X

“Hey, Freddie. Before I bring you back to Sam I wanted to talk to you.” I had just entered the mental hospital and the nurse had stopped me.

“Okay? What’s up?” I was a little bit nervous. I’m sure there was something in the rules that stated you aren’t supposed to have sex with your wife in the bathroom.

“Sam’s been doing really well lately. We’re considering releasing her next week. No promises, but that’s just a heads up in case you were looking to have that apartment finished before she gets home.”

“It’s almost done. Just have to move a few more things around.”

“Okay, and don’t say anything to her. Let’s go.” She lead me back through the all too familiar door and down the hallway. I could pick Sam’s room out with my eyes closed. Fourth door on the right side of the hallway. She opened the door and Sam turned around. She had been painting. She put her paintbrush down and walked up to me. I hugged her.

“Hello, beautiful.” I kissed her.

“Hello.” She smiled. I reached into my pocket and handed her the picture of Cassie. She looked at it for a minute and tried to mask the tears that were forming. I grabbed it, trying to get it back from her. I knew it would be a mistake.

“No, babe. Let me keep it.” She walked away and set it on the desk. I followed her and put my arms around her.

“I’m sorry, Sam.” She turned back to me and smiled sadly.

“Don’t apologize. I just miss her. It’s hard to see her face and know she’s not with me. But it will help having a reason to move on. She’s happy and healthy and taken care of wherever she is and I’ll keep loving her forever, even after I die and I can see her again.” I put my hand on her face. Nothing needed to be said. Sam really was getting better.

“So, what do you want to do?”

“I want to hear your song.”

“My what?”

“Your song. That you wrote for Cassie. For group.”

“Oh. I don’t want to—“

“Please?” she looked at me for a long time. If I could get her to open up and sing it then I knew she would be okay.

“Okay.” She sighed and reached into the drawer of the desk she had just set Cassie’s picture on and pulled out a piece of paper. I sat on her bed and waited. I don’t know what made her more nervous, singing or finally letting out how she was feeling.

_I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons_

_Finally content with a past I regret_

_I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness_

_For once I’m at peace with myself_

_I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long._

_I’m movin’ on._

_I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces_

_Each one is different, but they’re always the same_

_They mean me no harm but they know I must face it_

_They’ll never allow me to change_

_But I never dreamed I would end up where I don’t belong_

_I’m movin’ on._

_I’m movin’ on_

_At last I can see, life has been patiently waiting for me_

_And I know there’s no guarantees but I’m not alone._

_There comes a time in everyone’s life_

_Where all you can see is the time flying by_

_And I have made up my mind that those days are gone._

_I packed what I could and I left what I couldn’t_

_Stopped for a minute to just look around_

_I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t_

_I had to move on to find out_

_Maybe acceptance will find me somewhere down this road_

_I’m movin’ on._

She stood there for a minute just staring at the floor. As if I would judge her. It was the best thing to hear that she was going to let go of believing she could get Cassie back. I never expected her to move from one stage to another so fast. I stood up and pulled her to me. She started crying.

“I hate that she’s gone.” She cried. I rubbed her back.

“I know, honey.”

“And I hate that no matter what I do or how much I beg I’ll never get her back.”

“I know.” There was nothing else I could say to her to help her feel better. Her crying, as weird as it sounds, was the best thing I could hear. She no longer believed if she negotiated with God she would Cassie back. She was past all that. She started to calm down and she backed away from me. I wiped the tears off of her face.

“I love you.” I whispered. She nodded.

“I love you.” She repeated. She walked towards the bed and sat down. I sat next to her and she leaned against me.

“I wish I could leave this place. I feel confined, like I can’t do anything.”

“Soon.”

“You say that all the time.”

“Because it’s true.”

“So tell me about this promotion.” She moved away from me.

“Well basically instead of being behind a camera or in the production room I make sure everything’s going as planned before and during the show. Then after the morning news I meet with Jack, Michael, Carly and the reporters in the conference room and we pick the reports we’re going to present for the night news. After that’s all decided I cut the reports together with voiceovers and whatever and then I show Jack, he approves it and I leave.”

“Yeah. Carly told me she’s an anchor on the show now. That’s so awesome.”

“Yup. She’s pretty good at it. And Jack likes her a lot better than he liked Maria.” Sam laughed.

“That’s because Maria was a skank.”

“Oh, and I have an office now.” I said. Sam’s eyes lit up.

“And you’re going to let me personalize it, right?” she asked. I laughed.

“Whatever you want to do with it I will let you do with it.”

“Good.”

“So, how did your session go?”

“Good, they told me if I continue like this I can go home soon. I miss being home. I miss being able to just hang out on the couch and watch T.V. or take a shower whenever I want and eat whenever I want and sleep whenever I want. I hate having a schedule.”

“Well it will be over soon.” She gave that Sam smile again.

“What?” I asked. She kissed me.

“Sam, we’re not doing this again.” She kissed me again. Apparently in her world we were.

“You can try and stop me all you want to but you know eventually you’re going to just say screw it and do what I want. You always do. And I like it that way.”

“You can try and seduce me all you want but I’m not having sex with you again until you get home.”

“So you say.”

“So I know.”

“That could be weeks. You sure you wanna wait that long?” weeks? Try days. She didn’t know this, though, and I wasn’t going to tell her.

“Yup, I’m good.”

“I thought I was supposed to be the one saying no all the time. This marriage is backwards.”

“Whatever you say, angel face.”

“Nub.”

“The one and only.”


	12. Chapter 12

I was standing in Cassie’s room, just looking around. It was a debate I had had a million times. Keep the room together or get rid of everything so Sam doesn’t have to walk in here and be reminded of her. Carly and Spencer were on either side of me. It was like the devil and the angel sort of thing.

“Don’t you think Sam’s going to be mad if you get rid of all of Cassie’s stuff?” Carly, who I considered the angel, was looking around.

“Shut up, Carly. Sam doesn’t need to come home and relapse back into crazy because of this room.” Spencer folded his arms.

“You know what, Spencer? She’s going to go back into crazy if she comes home and it doesn’t even look like Cassie existed.”

“Maybe she just needs to forget that Cassie existed.”

“That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” The room quickly filled with the sound of Carly and Spencer bickering back and forth.

“Guys! Shut up! Sam’s going to be coming home in a few days and I need to decide soon!”

“Leave it be.”

“Tear it down.”

“Shut up, Spencer!”

“You shut up, Carly!”

“How about you both shut up?” they turned away from each other, both with their arms folded.

“Okay, now listen to me. I think we should take the crib and the dresser and the changing table out of here. Can we store it in your garage, Carly?”

“No.”

“No?”

“That’s right. No. I won’t be part of you tearing apart Cassie’s room.”

“Carly, I’m not tearing it apart. The rocking chair will stay in here and Cassie’s books and toys and the letters on the wall. She’ll be able to sit in here and think about Cassie without thinking she’s actually in here. Now come on.”

“Well let’s ask Sam, then.” She took her phone out of her pocket.

“No! She doesn’t know we’re changing the apartment.”

“I think she has a right to know what you plan on doing in HER daughter’s room.” I couldn’t think of a single thing that pissed me off more than having Carly turn on me and say that.

“In case you forgot, Cassie was OUR daughter. She was NOT just Sam’s baby. And if you think for a second that it’s easy for me to stand in here and talk about taking apart OUR child’s room you are wrong. But I can’t let how I feel get in the way of what would be best for Sam. This room is the exact reason she’s in Troubled Waters right now. Whether you believe it or not, Carly, having all of this stuff in the room just encourages her to think that Cassie is alive. I have to do what is best for my wife and I don’t care whether you agree with it or not. You know what? Why don’t you just leave before you say some more stupid shit.” She stood just looking at me for a minute with her mouth hanging open.

“I’m sorry, Freddie. I didn’t mean to—“

“Just leave.” I pointed to the door. Carly shook her head.

“Freddie—“

“Bye!”

“Okay, Freddie. Come on she didn’t mean it.” Spencer stepped in.

“If you’re going to join in on this you can leave too.” Spencer rolled his eyes.

“Alright that’s enough. I know you’re mad about it but you can’t do this by yourself. Now just stop. She said sorry so let’s just move on and get this straightened out so that when Sam comes home she can continue to move on with her life.” I sighed. I hated when Spencer was right.

“Fine, but if she makes one more stupid comment like that I’ll throw her out myself.”

“She’ll keep her BIG MOUTH SHUT.” Spencer turned to Carly and she nodded.

“Can we store it in your garage? Just in case? Please?” I asked. Carly nodded.

“Fine.”

“Good. Let’s take Cassie’s clothes out of the dresser and the closet first. Spencer, you take the closet. Carly, start clearing out the dresser. I’m going to get some totes.” I walked out of the room and into the closet by the front door. We never used this closet. I pulled a couple totes from the closet and walked back to Cassie’s room. Carly watched me walk in.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Freddie?”

“I don’t want to, but Sam is gonna go back to being crazy upset if she has to walk in here and be reminded that we have a ton of stuff she can’t use.” Carly shrugged and started putting Cassie’s clothes in a tote I had set on the floor next to her. If it weren’t for Sam, I would never be able to do this. It broke my heart watching them pack away anything and everything we had for Cassie. Carly looked back at me.

“We don’t have to do this you know.”

“Just pack the clothes, Carly. I’ll be right back.” I walked out of the room and opened a new text to Sam.

_Hey babe. I miss you. I’ll come see you in a few hours. Got some things to take care of. I love you!_

I knew she was in session right now but she would get it when she got back. Sometimes I wondered if Sam would do the same thing I was doing if the roles were reversed. It didn’t matter. I loved her and I loved Cassie and if I had to pack away Cassie’s stuff so she wasn’t hurting as much I would do it. I walked back into Cassie’s room and looked around. It would look so different when we cleared it out. Just empty.

“Let’s just get this over with.”

X

I was laying on Sam’s bed, staring at the ceiling. I still felt guilty for packing away Cassie’s stuff. It was like I was trying to forget her. Sam was staring at me.

“Babe, what’s wrong? And don’t tell me nothing because obviously something is bothering you.” She folded her arms.

“It’s not important, Sam.” I said. She layed next to me and turned my face so I was looking at her. I smiled unconvincingly.

“It’s important to me.” I kissed her.

“I promise you it’s not important.”

“That doesn’t work. When mama wants to know something—“

“Mama finds out. I get it, Sam.”

“Then tell me.” She was almost begging. I sighed.

“Okay, so let’s just say I wanted to clear out Cassie’s room. You know, her crib, dresser, clothes, changing table. How would you feel about that?”

“That’s ridiculous. Why would you want to do that?”

“Just so it was easier for us to move on.”

“Or because you think I’m going to go crazy again.” She stood up and walked away from me.

“No, Sam,” I stood up and walked over to her, “I don’t think you’re going to go crazy again.”

“Then why would you even think about clearing out her room? Just getting rid of her stuff? Are you trying to make it look like she never existed? Because she did. Not that long ago either.”

“Babe—“

“No. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Sam—“

“Save it.” She folded her arms and looked at the floor. I shouldn’t have even brought it up. I didn’t expect her to react like this. I thought she would be grateful that I was thinking about her. I turned her around.

“Come on, babe. Just listen to me.”

“No. I know you already cleared out her room. You wouldn’t bring it up if you hadn’t.” she pushed me away.

“Sam! Come on. I was just thinking of you! What was best for you!”

“How is it best for me to come home and walk into her room and see it empty?”

“It’s not empty. Her toys are still in there and the rocking chair and the letters on the wall. Just the other stuff is gone.”

“I hate you, Freddie. So much right now.” I sighed again. I didn’t want to fight with her.

“Babe—“ she whipped around.

“Go home.” She demanded.

“What?”

“Go. Home. I don’t think I could have been clearer.”

“Sam, why are you making such a big deal out of this? I can get it all back. It’s just in Carly’s garage!”

“Why am I making a big deal out of it? Are you serious?”

“Sam, come on. I didn’t know it would upset you.”

“Yeah, well, you should have thought more about it! You know, I wouldn’t get rid of Cassie’s stuff on you if you were in here! I can’t believe you would do that to me!”

“Sam,” I pulled her closer to me and she pushed me again.

“No. Don’t touch me.”

“What is your problem?”

“You are my problem! Trying to get rid of Cassie’s stuff like she was just some sort of dream! Trying to make me forget her!”

“No! That’s not what I was doing!”

“Bullshit!”

“Would you just listen to me?” she was really making me mad. I just wanted to make sure she would be okay at home and she didn’t even care that I had put all my effort into trying to keep her from hurting more than she had to.

“No! You didn’t even talk to me about it first! What kind of husband does that?”

“The kind of husband who doesn’t want to see you hurting anymore!”

“What the fuck are you talking about? It’s always going to hurt! She was inside of me for 8 ½ months and then suddenly she’s gone! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!”

“Okay! I’m sorry! I’ll put it all back!”

“It’s not the same!” she screamed. I took a deep breath. All I wanted to do was make her happy. I took her hands and she ripped them away. I grabbed them again.

“Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t know it would upset you. I thought I was helping you.” I spoke calmly. She looked away from me.

“Whatever.” She mumbled. I turned her face back to look at me.

“Come on, don’t be mad at me. I didn’t mean to hurt you, sweetheart.” She was quiet. I pulled her closer to me. I pushed her hair out of her face and looked at her.

“I’m really sorry.” I whispered. She sighed.

“Fine.” She kissed me.

“I love you, Sam. I really do.”

“I love you, too.” I hugged her. I hated when she was mad at me, but loved when she realized that I meant no harm. Most of the time.

“So…” she started.

“So…”

“Make up sex?” she smiled. I shook my head.

“No, honey.” I said.

“You’re no fun.”

“I am fun, just not right now.” I laughed.

“Well why don’t you just stop being such a nub and prove it?” she kissed me again.

“Why don’t you just keep it in your pants?” she stared at me.

“What?”

“I have no idea.” I laughed again.

“Don’t make me lock you in the bathroom again.”

“Don’t give away your secrets.”

“Stop being a loser and take your clothes off.” She grabbed my shirt and started pulling it up. I grabbed her wrists.

“Stop it, Sam.” She rolled her eyes.

“Isn’t it bad enough I have to sit in this mental hospital without you telling me no all the time?”

“I don’t tell you no all the time. But if you keep it up when you’re in here I’ll keep you cut off at home, too.” I laughed. I wouldn’t do that to her. Or me.

“Shut up, no you wouldn’t.”

“Try me.” I smirked.

“You suck.”

“No, angel face. That’s your job.” Her mouth dropped and she hit me.

“Freddie!”

“Yup, that’s the same look you got on your face the first time you saw me naked.”

“Oh my God!”

“What? Too much for you to handle, Mrs. Benson?”

“Not a chance.” She laughed.

“No comebacks? I’m surprised. I shut up Samantha Benson?”

“I’m about to shut you up.”

“I doubt it.” She smirked and kissed me. I kissed her back. Kissing Sam had always been the highlight of my day. It didn’t matter if she was in a bad mood or a good mood or a “you better do what I want” mood.

“Okay, princess. You win. What do you want?” she smiled.

“You know what I want.” She winked and I kissed her again.


	13. Chapter 13

I hadn’t seen my mom since Cassie’s funeral, and I couldn’t think of a better time to go see her than now. Now. One day before Sam came home. I wanted to go see Sam, but if I did I would give away that she was going home tomorrow. The nurses still hadn’t told her. They had called me two days ago to tell me that tomorrow was the day I got my wife back. I walked up to apartment 8-D and opened the door. She would probably run out with a shot gun.

Or a bat.

“Oh, Freddie. I thought you were a burglar.”

“So you were going to fend me off with a bat?”

“Yeah,” she set the bat down and walked towards me, “everything okay?” she asked. I nodded.

“Yeah, just thought this visit was overdue.”

“Very overdue.” She hugged me.

“I’m sorry, mom. Things just have been different.” She moved away from me and walked over to the couch, sitting down.

“Yeah, I know. Spencer’s kept me in the loop. How does the apartment look?”

“Good. You wouldn’t even recognize it. But I’m still stuck. I want to keep the pictures of Cassie put away, but Sam seems to do better when they’re around. I don’t know. It’s so hard being married now. I love Sam, but everything I do is for her. I know I need to be around for her and think of her and everything, but it’s like I have to push aside how I feel to adapt to how she feels.” My mom sighed.

“You should BOTH be thinking of each other. I know it’s hard on Sam because she’s a mother. If I ever lost you before I had a chance to see you smile I would go crazy, too.” I looked at her.

“Mom,”

“Okay, but I was just trying to protect you. You’re my only child, Freddie. Until the day I die, and I plan on dying before you, I’m going to continue to try to protect you. Whether you’re 16 or 36. You never stop being my son just because you’re growing up.”

“Okay, mom.”

“The point is, I know that Sam needs much more support than you do because she carried Cassie inside of her. But don’t forget that you’re still in this as well. Cassie was your daughter, too. You can’t keep trying to push off how you feel to help her. I know that’s how you are, Freddie. You’re always thinking of other people, but you have to give yourself a chance to grieve too. You two have to compromise. It can’t just be what Sam wants or what you want. You both have to come to some sort of agreement. Starting with Cassie’s pictures. That’s what a marriage is. Compromise.” I smiled. My mom was crazy, but nobody else had lived with her. She was always giving me advice that actually helped me out.

“So, I was thinking for your birthday—“

“My birthday isn’t until February.”

“I know that, I gave birth to you, remember?”

“Okay, fine.”

“For your birthday I thought if you and Sam were up to it we could take a trip to California.” I laughed. Sam and my mom taking a trip together? Not likely to happen.

“Sam’s never going to go for that.”

“Well you could talk her into it. I think it would be nice. Get out of the state for a little while.”

“Mom, Sam’s not going to go all the way to California with you. No offence. She can’t stand authority that long.”

“Well, just think about it.”

“Okay, I will think about it and talk to her about it.”

“Good, let’s say we go get some lunch.” She said. My phone started ringing.

_Sam Calling_

“One second, mom.” I stood up and walked away.

“Hey, sweetheart.”

“I miss you.” She mumbled. She sounded sad.

“I know. I miss you, too.”

“Are you going to come see me today?”

“I can’t. I’ve got a lot to do.”

“But babe….”

“I’m sorry. I’ll come see you tomorrow. I promise.”

“Freddie, come on. Do you want me to die of boredom?” I laughed. Sam, always so dramatic.

“You aren’t going to die because I didn’t come see you one day.”

“I might. You don’t know that.”

“Listen, angel. I have to go. I love you.”

“No.”

“No what?”

“You’re going to talk to me.” Yeah, she was definitely ready to go home. She had her attitude back.

“No, I’m going to go do what I was doing before you called me. Come on, now. I have to go.”

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

“I know. But please just talk to me.”

“Baby, I can’t. I’m busy. I love you. I will call you tonight before you go to bed and I’ll come see you tomorrow.”

“Promise?”

“I promise. I love you.”

“Fine. I love you, too.” I hung up the phone and my mom and I left.

X

As long as I was out and making amends with people I hadn’t seen in a while, I decided that one thing I needed to do before Sam got home was go to prison. I still hated Brad, I probably would always hate him, but in order to let Cassie go and get rid of this guilt I had to learn to forgive Brad for all the shit he did to Sam. I figured if Sam could do it, then I could probably manage it without killing him. I followed a police officer to a table and just sat there. The only thing going through my mind was to not end up here myself. Brad wasn’t worth that. They brought his sorry ass out and I hated his face even more. He had lost a lot of weight, not that he had had any weight anyway, but he just looked old now. He sat down across from me.

“Freddie—“

“Don’t talk to me unless I ask you something. Because trust me, I have a lot of questions for you Brad.”

“I’m so sorry about Cassie.”

“Don’t talk about Cassie. You don’t deserve to think or say her name. She was MY daughter. You have no part of her, me, or Sam.”

“Look man—“

“What the hell were you thinking? Making Sam have sex with you so she could leave? Do you know how disgusting that is? You were supposed to be my friend.”

“I don’t know, Benson. I don’t know what the hell I was doing. She’s just so—“

“Hot? Yeah. I know. She’s my WIFE. That’s not an excuse.”

“I’m not making excuses, Freddie. I know it was stupid. I didn’t even think about how messed up it was until I came in here. Dude, Sam’s been on my mind since I met her. I know it’s creepy, probably, but since the lock in when Carly tried hooking us up—“

“That was a long ass time ago. Sam and I started dating just four days after that and we’re married now. Just because back in high school Carly tried setting you two up doesn’t mean when you see her on the street you get to just pick her up.”

“I get that, now.”

“You really messed her up. Do you know how long it took me to get her to trust me even a little bit? Then she thinks she can trust you and you just take advantage of her. And don’t even get me started on the fact that you could have killed her AND our baby.”

“I’m sorry.” He sighed. My thoughts were all mixed up. I didn’t know what I wanted to do more. Question him or yell in his face.

“Just tell me why the hell you would even force her to have sex with you.”

“I didn’t rape her.”

“Not technically, but you should have let her leave. You had no business touching her or kissing her and forcing her to stay there.”

“I didn’t force her to stay, I gave her the option.”

“When?”

“Before we went up to my apartment. I said ‘let’s go up to my apartment instead of sitting in the car, unless you want me to take you home.’”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard. That’s not giving her the option to leave. You locked her in your apartment and told her she could leave if she had sex with you.” Brad shook his head with a smile.

“Benson, you were always going on about how great it was to be married to Sam.”

“Yeah, because she’s MY WIFE. And marriage isn’t just about sex. And besides that, you knew she was married to me. You were supposed to be one of my best friends and then you turn around and take advantage of MY WIFE.”

“I thought that’s why you married her, because dude, she’s—“

“Watch yourself, Brad.” He laughed.

“You did a good job teaching her.”

“Shut up. I’m not afraid to kill you in here. I just wanted you to know that you will no longer have a part of our lives. I’m sure you already knew that, but even after you get out years and years and years from now, just know there will never be a friendship again. Ever.” I stood up and walked out. I didn’t want to hear him talk about Sam anymore.

I was ready to sleep all day. Now that everything was done at the apartment I had nothing to occupy my time. Sam was in session so I couldn’t call her and Carly was working at the news station. Spencer was gone. I didn’t know where he went, but he wasn’t home. I drove back to the apartment. I walked upstairs and unlocked the door. The apartment looked new, but it still felt empty. I was ready for Sam to come home. I opened a picture message to Sam so I could send her a long message.

_Hello, beautiful. This nub is about to make you smile. I’m the luckiest man in the world to have you as my wife. You’re smart, funny, sarcastic and fun to be around. I never thought I’d fall in love with you, but now that I have I can’t imagine a life without you. You are my life, my air, the reason the sun rises in the morning. I can’t wait until you come home. I miss spending the day cuddling with you, looking at you, kissing you whenever I want. I hate going to bed alone and waking up alone, but all of that will be over soon. I love you more than technology, you are the other half of me. I’m going to take a nap, but never forget how much you mean to me._


	14. Chapter 14

I stood outside of Sam’s room in the hospital while the nurse went in to tell her she was being released. Everything was already taken care of, and I wanted to hear her reaction when she was told.

“Hey, Sam. How are you feeling today?” the nurse asked.

“Good. Kind of bored. Wish Freddie would get his happy ass over here and hang out with me.” She said. The nurse laughed.

“Well, there’s no need for that. You’re going home today.” It was quiet for a minute.

“Wait, what?”

“You’re going home today.”

“Are you serious?” she sounded like she wanted to laugh.

“Yes. So why don’t you get your stuff together and we’ll get ahold of Freddie.”

“Oh my GOD!” she screamed she sounded like she was tripping over everything. I walked into the room as she turned around. She stopped a second.

“Hello, beautiful.” She hesitated a second, shock covering her face, and jumped on me. I laughed as she kissed me. I leaned towards her ear.

“Save it. We’re in public.” I whispered. She laughed.

“Don’t make empty promises, Benson.” I kissed her cheek.

“No empty promises here, angel.” She smiled and turned back around to grab all of her stuff. I sat on her bed. She looked confused and overwhelmed.

“Well, you could start by packing your clothes. Unless you want to stay here, of course.” She glared at me.

“Never.” She started throwing her clothes in her bag without even bothering to fold them. She was in such a hurry.

“Sam, the apartment is still going to be there whether you spend five minutes getting all your stuff together or fifteen.”

“Well it would go a lot faster if you helped me.”

“Sam Benson actually wants help?” I smiled.

“Just get over here.” I stood up and walked over to her.

“You know, if you tried to put things away nicely they wouldn’t take up so much room.”

“Bite me.” She snapped. I chuckled and leaned towards her ear again.

“Don’t tempt me.” I whispered. She shivered and smiled.

“You aren’t helping.” She mumbled. I laughed and started straightening her clothes out in her duffel bag. She just kept throwing them in her bag.

“Sam, relax. I know you’re anxious to get out of here but it’s going to take twice as long if you’re just throwing things around.”

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for this?” she asked. I nodded.

“Yes. Just as long as I have.” She looked at me.

“I’m sorry, baby.” She whispered. I smiled.

“No need to be sorry. Let’s just finish this up and we can leave.” She walked over to the desk, picked up Cassie’s picture and put it in her pocket with a sigh. She grabbed a few other things out of the desk and walked back over to me. I picked up her duffel bag.

“Ready?” I asked her. She nodded.

“Let’s go.” She said. I took her hand and we walked out of the hospital.

X

“Close your eyes.” We were standing on front of the apartment door.

“Why?” she asked.

“Just do it.” I told her. She shrugged and closed her eyes. I unlocked the door and led her inside.

“Okay, you can look now.” She opened her eyes and her mouth dropped.

“What did you do to our apartment? Where are Cassie’s pictures? Where are our pictures?” I had been really excited about this, but Sam seemed pissed.

“I thought—“

“Oh, baby. No. I like it. I really do. But, it just doesn’t feel like our apartment anymore.” She looked around. I sighed.

“Come here,” I took her hands and led her into our room. I had decided to put Cassie’s pictures up in there. I had gotten the happiest one of the three of us blown up and framed and it hung on the wall above her dresser.

“Freddie,” she said breathlessly. It was hard to put the pictures up. I had cried three times before I finally did exactly what I wanted with them. Sam didn’t understand how important she was and how much I loved her.

“But listen, this is the only room with Cassie’s pictures. I don’t want them anywhere else.” I told her. She looked at me.

“Why?”

“Because I want to be able to walk out of this room and not have her face everywhere. But I want you to be able to wake up in the morning and see her face. If that’s that you want.” She walked towards me.

“Freddie, I can’t believe you did this.”

“I would do anything for you and you know it.”

“Baby,” she put her hand on my face, “why do you do that? Do you know how guilty you make me feel when you’re always taking care of me and I never take care of you?”

“I don’t need you to take care of me, Sam. I’m fine. You’re my top priority right now.”

“You’re allowed to miss her, too, Freddie. She was yours.”

“I do miss her, but—“

“Then why do you act like it’s no big deal?” I rolled my eyes.

“Sam, don’t start this.”

“What am I starting?” she stepped away from me, angry. My whole life I had someone hovering over me trying to make me talk about everything. I didn’t need that anymore. It was nice to be the one that was needed rather than the one needing. I could handle whatever I needed to handle on my own without Sam’s help.

“Just,” I had to think of how to phrase it without pissing her off more. I sighed, “just let me handle myself.” She stared at me with her arms folded.

“Fine. Handle yourself.” She stormed out of the room. I groaned.

“Sam!” she turned around.

“You know, you’ve been going on and on and on to me about how I would feel so much better if I trusted you and told you how I feel and how you do all this stuff because it’s what’s best for me and all this bullshit but you’re just a hypocrite. When I want you to talk to me about how you’re feeling and trust me and let ME be there for YOU it’s a totally different story!”

“Because you’re my wife!”

“Yeah! I am your wife! You should know that you can talk to me about anything!” I put my hands in my pockets and sighed. The fact was I didn’t want to talk about Cassie. I just wanted to move on without having to talk about every single hurtful thing I felt when I heard her name or saw her face. Sam was open about her feelings now, at least now that she had had Cassie and was going through therapy and whatever. I didn’t need to do that, but she did.

“Sam,”

“Nope. You handle yourself. I’m going to Carly’s.” she turned back towards the door.

“Come on, don’t ruin today.” She turned around again and walked towards me.

“I didn’t ruin today, you did. All I want is for you to be as open with me as you expect me to be with you but you won’t do it. I know you think because you spent your whole life being babied by your mom that now you have to act like nothing bothers you, but I know it does. So give it up already. I’m not the only person in this apartment who’s going crazy, Freddie. I’m just the only one who shows it.”

“Why do we have to fight the day you come home?” I complained.

“Why don’t you tell me, Freddie?” I hated seeing her mad. Most of the time she said really stupid stuff that she took back later but sometimes, like now, she said things that made sense and that she knew she was right about. I took her hands.

“Can we just not fight, please?” she rolled her eyes.

“You think you can just start talking all sweet and I’m just going to be like ‘oh okay’ but it’s not going to happen like that.”

“Sam—“

“If I shoved a picture of Cassie in your face right now—“

“Don’t.” I cut her off.

“Why?” she asked.

“Sam.” I warned. She stood there just staring at me. She laughed.

“Fine, be the big tough man. I don’t care anymore.” She took her hands away from mine and walked to the couch to sit down. There was no winning with her. I sat next to her.

“Gonna talk to me?” she asked. I shook my head.

“Nope.”

“Fine.” She turned the T.V. on and stared at it. I knew she wasn’t interested in it, though, especially since it was some court show.

“Sam, this isn’t a game to see who can crack first. Just drop it and let’s enjoy our night together.” She shook her head.

“I refuse to enjoy anything until you stop being so stubborn and stop acting like Cassie didn’t exist.”

“I didn’t say she didn’t exist.”

“I didn’t say you said she didn’t exist. I said you act like she didn’t exist. You put all of her stuff in Carly’s garage. You painted the whole apartment. You’re locking her pictures up in our room where nobody can see them. Plus, you refuse to even acknowledge her. You never talk about her unless you’re telling me that I can trust you when it comes to me talking about her. I happen to love our little family, broken or not.”

“Sam, you know I love you and Cassie.” She sighed.

“Freddie. I have spent the past how many weeks in a mental hospital trying to come to terms with this. I didn’t expect to walk into the place I’m supposed to call my home and see everything turned around and painted and different. I liked the comfort of this apartment. I liked waking up in the morning in the hospital and knowing that I’d come home to something familiar. But it doesn’t even matter because you changed it all around because you thought it would help me. Really, I think you’re just trying to help you. And that’s fine. Do what you have to do. But don’t pretend like you wake up in the morning and you’re fine and you don’t feel like someone just ripped our heart out of your chest. Don’t pretend that hearing Cassie’s name or seeing her face doesn’t make you feel like you’ve been punched in the stomach. Don’t pretend that you’re okay when you’re not. I can’t stand that. I can’t stand when you walk around like you’re helping me when you can’t even see that you’re half the reason I’m upset.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been upsetting you, Sam.”

“If you were really sorry, babe, you would change it.”

“Look,” I snapped, “just because I don’t want to deal with it the way you deal with it doesn’t mean I’m not handling it. I am. In my own way on my own time however I need to do it. If you don’t believe me then I’m sorry, but I’m not going to just run around here and act like she’s just sleeping in her room or she’s just gone away or whatever. I’m not. I know she’s gone. I’ve dealt with that since she died. I know I’m not getting her back, either. But it won’t do either of us any good for me to walk around like a zombie because I miss her and want her with me. Got it? So just knock it off.” She smiled.

“That’s a start.”

“Oh, just shut up, Sam.” I stood up and walked into the kitchen. She followed me.

“Since when do I just shut up when you tell me to?” she laughed. I didn’t think it was funny. All her nagging was giving me a headache.

“Since now. Shush.”

“Oh, Benson. You’re so cute when you’re mad.” I rolled my eyes.

“I’m not mad.”

“Yes, you are. And good. Be mad at me. At least when you’re mad you’re feeling something and not closed off from the world.”

“Drop it, Sam.”

“Just relax, Freddie.” She smiled and ran her fingers through my hair.

“How is this supposed to make me relax?” I asked her.

“It’s not. It’s supposed to make you forget you’re mad at me and do whatever I want.”

“Like what?”

“Like kissing me,” she put her hands around my neck.

“No way.”

“Yes way.” She kissed me. I didn’t know how she did it to me, but she always had a way of making me stop whatever I was doing to focus on her. I pulled her closer to me.

“Good boy.” She mumbled.

“I’m not a dog.” I laughed.

“I know.” She kissed me again.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Yup.” She cut me off by kissing me again. I broke away from her.

“I really am.” I said.

“Yup.” She repeated the process. I broke away from her again.

“Sam!”

“Just take a hint and shut up, Benson.”

“Oh, someone’s demanding today.” I laughed. She nodded.

“Yes. Yes I am.” She kissed me again and I finally gave into her.


	15. Chapter 15

I woke up when Sam started shaking me.

“Go away, Sam.” I groaned and rolled over. She punched my arm and I rolled my eyes and sat up.

“What?” I asked.

“Get up.” She said simply. I stared at her.

“Why?”

“Because we’re going to a counseling session together.”

“Because?”

“Because YOU need to talk about Cassie. Get up. Now.” I layed back in bed.

“I’m not talking about Cassie. Just stop being such a nag. You’re only 23. You’re far too young to be the naggy wife.”

“Freddie, you have fifteen seconds to be out of bed or I’m flipping this mattress over.”

“If you aren’t going to come back and sleep with me then go somewhere else. I’m tired.” I waved her away.

“10…”

“Shut up, Sam. You’re really annoying me.” I just wanted to sleep, not listen to Sam talk or go talk to some random person that Sam decided would somehow make me be more open. She was being too pushy, and it was pissing me off.

“7…” I rolled my eyes and sat up.

“You happy?” I snapped. She walked over to me and sat in front of me. Then she kissed me. She had her own way of making me stop being mad at her, until she pulled away from me.

“No, you aren’t allowed to do that.” I pulled her back to me and she laughed.

“Freddie, we have to go. Come on.”

“No.” I kissed her and she smiled.

“Come on, babe. Please? For me?” I hated that. She knew I wouldn’t say no to her.

“I’ll go if you have sex with me right now.”

“This isn’t a compromise.” She laughed. I kissed her cheek.

“Mmmkay.” I mumbled. She pushed me away.

“Come on, babe. Please?” I sighed.

“Fine.” She kissed me again, running her fingers through my hair. She laughed and backed away again.

“That isn’t fair, Sam.” I groaned. She stood up and walked away.

“Get dressed, we have to go.” She said as she walked out of the room. I layed back again and she threw a pillow from the couch at me.

“Now!” she yelled.

“Okay!” I got out of bed and walked over to the closet. It felt like it was really early, but when I looked at the clock I saw it was 11:00. I walked to the bathroom. A shower sounded nice. I turned the water on and stripped down. It was like a routine. Sam walked into the bathroom and stared at me. She stood there for a few minutes.

“Yes?” I asked. She shook her head.

“Sorry, so um…” I laughed.

“So…?”

“Yeah, uh, the session’s at 1:00 so make sure you’re ready.”

“That’s all you came in here for?”

“Pretty much.” She was staring at me again. If she wasn’t Sam it would be awkward, but because it was Sam it was just funny.

“Next time I want you to shut up I guess I’ll just have to take my clothes off.” She rolled her eyes.

“Shut up, Benson.” I could see a hint of a smile on her face before she walked back out the door and closed it. I laughed to myself and got in the shower. I heard the door open again.

“Yes, Sam. Session at 1:00. I heard you.” I smiled. Sam stepped in the shower and kissed me slowly. We weren’t going to get anywhere if she kept doing this. I pulled her closer to me until her body was pressed against mine. She smiled. I loved to feel her against me, it was somewhat comforting. And hot.

“When did you get so….” She whispered. I laughed.

“Puberty.”

“No. I’ve seen you naked before. You didn’t look like you look now.”

“Well, I’ve spent the last week painting and moving furniture around a hundred times.”

“I should have known there would be an upside to an unfamiliar apartment.” She kissed me again.

“Hey babe, how would you feel about going to California for my birthday?” I asked. She looked at me.

“With who?” she asked suspiciously. She was right to be suspicious.

“My mom.”

“No.”

“Come on, angel, it would be fun.”

“No. This,” she kissed me, “is fun. Going all the way to California with your mother is torture.”

“You don’t know about torture. Torture is when your wife turns you on and then just walks away like nothing happened. That’s torture. A little time in California with my mom is not torture.”

“You’re only turning 24, what’s so special about it?”

“It means 24 years ago she gave birth to me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Come on, baby, just think about it. She really wants us to go.”

“Fine, I’ll think about it. Come on. Time’s a’wastin.”

“This is your fault, Sam.” She laughed as she stepped out of the shower.

“Never.”

X

We were sitting in the waiting room and the tables were turned. This time instead of Sam being the one that needed to get things out there, it was me nervously waiting. Sam kept glancing at me, but all I would give her is the heat of hatred that she was making me do this. I didn’t need this. I was doing just fine. She just needed to push it to be happy. There was no point telling her this was all completely unnecessary because when she wanted something she got it.

“I know you’re mad at me.” She broke the silence.

“Yes.” Simple and to the point. It wasn’t so much anger as annoyance.

“Don’t forget that not so long ago you were making me do this and I felt exactly how you feel.” It made sense. I had never imagined myself to be nearly as pushy as Sam, but in a way I guess I was. Threatening to leave makes a person that loves you do whatever you want them to.

“This is so stupid, Sam. How is this going to benefit either of us? It’s just causing a fight.”

“I’m so sick of fighting with you, Freddie, but if this is what I have to do in order for you to talk to me about Cassie and actually let me help you then this is what I’m going to do.”

*Oh my God you guys I just sneezed like seven times in a row. Ugh. Screw this cold.*

“I don’t WANT to talk about Cassie. It’s by choice, not because I’m afraid of being judged or whatever your reason was.”

“Freddie?” great. Here we go. I stood up and Sam and I followed the lady into the office. She was the same woman from our couples counseling.

“What brings you guys in here today?” she asked. I sighed. This was going to be a long day. It was like an intervention.

“Cassie died,” Sam whispered. I looked over at her. She looked so sad. I took her hand and she took a deep breath, “and Freddie just acts like nothing bothers him and her dying had no effect on him and I know it has more of an effect on him then he lets on. And I’m sick of being the only person having to share how I feel all the time. I want him to trust me just like he expects me to trust him and tell me how he feels about it. I mean, that was his daughter, and he just acts like it’s nothing.” I rolled my eyes. Cassie was my world, but she was gone, and there was no point in walking around talking about how much I missed her every day. Sam was already doing that. One of us had to be okay.

“Freddie?” Susan asked. I

“What?”

“Do you have something you wanted to say?”

“Nope. I already told Sam that there’s no sense in me walking around bitching about how unfair it is. Sam needs me to be there for her and that’s exactly what I’m doing. That’s how I’m dealing with it. This whole thing is ridiculous.”

“How is this ridiculous? You act like she was just a damn dog or something!” Sam snapped.

“Better than acting like she’s a doll,” I said.

“Oh really? You want to bring that up again? I miss her like crazy! Every damn day! You don’t miss her; you just act like she was no big deal!” I rolled my eyes.

“Oh my God, Sam. I do miss her. I’ve told you this a million times.”

“When you miss your child, Freddie, you do everything you can for them. To honor their memory. You locked her pictures in our room! Are you ashamed to tell people about her? Because nobody else is trying to forget her. You’re the only person that has some sort of problem bringing up anything that you feel when it comes to Cassie. Hell, even Spencer has talked about her! And he wasn’t even part of half of the things that happened with us!”

“No, I will gladly tell anybody anything they want to know about Cassie if they ask.” I stared at the ceiling. She was overreacting about everything. I folded my arms.

“I don’t think you ever loved Cassie. I think you spent my whole pregnancy worrying about her being Brad’s baby and never really cared about her. I don’t think you even care about her now. I think you just think of her as a poor little baby that died. Guess what? She was YOUR CHILD! YOURS! That was your DAUGHTER! Your little girl! A small, precious, innocent angel that was a product of you and me. I go crazy every day thinking about her and wishing this hadn’t happened and you just walk around acting like it’s nothing. You change the apartment and just throw her stuff in Carly’s garage.”

“Yup, you’re right. I never loved Cassie. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard come out of your mouth yet.” I said sarcastically. I decided I wasn’t going to let it bother me. Sam had no idea what Cassie meant to me. I was just so sick of her acting like this. This wasn’t her. She scoffed, rolling her eyes, and leaned back against the couch we were sitting on with her arms folded.

“Okay, Freddie. Why don’t you try telling Sam how you feel about Cassie?” Susan suggested. I rolled my eyes.

“Because I don’t want to or need to. That’s for me to work out without her. I don’t need to talk to Sam or anybody else. She’s just being stupid. She thinks she’s somehow getting back at me for dragging her here last year.”

“No, you obviously need to talk to someone about her because every time someone says her name you get all uptight and defensive.” Sam snipped.

“No, I get uptight and defensive when you nag the hell out of me TO talk about her. Why don’t you just back the fuck off, Sam?”

“Don’t talk to me like that.”

“Do you even know how annoying you are? After everything I’ve done for you you’re going to turn around and try to pull this shit?”

“I’m not pulling anything. You need to open up.”

“I don’t need to open up.”

“Yes you do!”

“You know, sometimes I don’t get why I married you.”

“That has nothing to do with what we’re talking about and stop being such an ass! Damn it, why won’t you let me help you?”

“Because I don’t NEED your stupid HELP. I am just fine.”

“No,” she whispered. I looked at her and she looked sad. I didn’t know if it was from what I said or her talking about Cassie, but I hated seeing her that way. I was surprised Susan hadn’t stepped in to stop the fight, but I guess she was more of a ‘make sure it doesn’t get violent’ kind of therapist.

“Sam, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I love having you as my wife.”

“That doesn’t even matter. You can say all you want about me and how much you hate me right now because I know you’re just mad. But I’m so sick of not having anybody to talk to outside of the group sessions that knows what I’m going through. And even the other girls in group don’t know because they had their babies and their babies weren’t Cassie. I just want to stop coming home and feeling like I should just be over her already just because you act like you are.”

“No, I’m not “over” her. I think about her every single day, Sam. I just don’t need to talk about her. I don’t want to talk about her. I hate talking about her. It just makes me think more about her and what she would be doing and I hate that. I hate knowing I’ll never watch her grow up. I hate knowing that the only time I ever got to hold her was when she was born. I hate knowing that no matter what I do she’s still going to be gone and I’m never going to have my little girl. The one I dreamed about for so long. I always thought she was some sort of wish come true. I always wanted her and suddenly I don’t get her. You never wanted kids, Sam, not as long as I’ve been with you. You didn’t want kids until you got pregnant. I’ve always wanted to be a father. My whole life. You don’t know how frustrating it is wondering what the hell is wrong that you can’t manage to get your wife pregnant and then to fear the baby she’s carrying isn’t yours and then finding out she is yours and you don’t even get to take her home. And even if we end up having more kids they can never make up for losing Cassie. I’ll never feel the same about them as I do about Cassie. Sam, I couldn’t forget her if I tried. She’s everywhere. And you think I just close myself off from it and all that shit, but you don’t have to deal with people looking at you, wanting to say something to try to make it better but just walking by. I had to go back to my normal life. I can’t just sit around every single day and miss her. That isn’t me. I don’t care if you do it, but I need to be working and focusing on something other than her. And yes, I’m hiding her from the world, because the world isn’t ready for her story. People are uncomfortable with that kind of stuff. They don’t understand. It’s not like when you have your child and you can hold them and kiss them and take care of them. When you lose your child people don’t know how to act. They think you’re on a different level. And as far as the apartment, I put her stuff in Carly’s garage because I didn’t want you to be reminded of everything you can’t use. I didn’t want you to come home and be all down again because I hate that more than anything. I hate not being able to help you. I’m just not like you, Sam. Whatever you have to do to come to terms with her dying you do. I’m going to do what I have to do.”

“Why couldn’t you have just told me that before?”

“Because I don’t want to talk about her. I like how everything is working. I like knowing that I can help you. Helping you helps me, Sam. Having something to occupy my time is what helps me, not talking. And you can lecture me all you want about how I need to talk about her but I don’t. I just need to be able to focus on something else. I miss her more every single day, and it doesn’t make sense because I didn’t have any time to get to know her. She was just my child, that’s it. It wasn’t like she was three years old or something and I had had time to run around with her and take care of her and raise her and whatever. You and I are always going to be different when it comes to this because you were pregnant with her and I wasn’t. You are her mother and I’m her father. We’re completely different. You got more attached to her because she depended on you and you knew that. You knew that whatever you did affected her, so you were a mother before you even gave birth to her. You gave her everything she needed. I couldn’t take care of her, I could only tell you what I thought you should be doing or eating or whatever. So, we’re never going to feel or think the same.”

“I know you don’t want to talk about her, babe, but I need someone to talk to that will tell me I’m not alone in this. You can listen to me all you want to but it doesn’t make a difference. I just want to hear that I’m not crazy and I’m not taking too long to get over her. I want you to trust me.”

“I do trust you and you can never take too long to get over her. I don’t want you to get over her and I will never get over her. It will just get easier to talk about her and think about her.” I didn’t feel any different than I did before, but I knew Sam did. It made her feel important to listen to me rant about Cassie. It wasn’t going to be a habit I made, but it would make her happy for now. I pulled her to me and hugged her.

“I love you and I love Cassie and I always will.”

“I love you, too. And thank you. Wasn’t so hard, was it Benson?”

“No, and it doesn’t make a bit of difference to me. I can talk about her whenever I want to. I just choose not to. But if it makes you feel better I will.”

“Good, because I’m sick of being the only crazy one.”

“You are the only crazy one.” I laughed. She sighed.

“Not anymore.”


	16. Chapter 16

“Okay, Sam. How do you feel now that you heard that?” Susan asked. I sighed. The fight was the big part, now it was like damage control.

“I’m very happy. I just want him to show that Cassie meant something to him. I’m always afraid that she just didn’t mean anything to him, like he was too worried about her being Brad’s baby that he didn’t bother to get attached to her. It’s….difficult….living with somebody who isn’t just like you. Especially everything I’ve tried to learn about how to deal with it. It’s like he’s not with it.”

“Freddie? How does hearing that make you feel?”

“She’s crazy. I don’t think she thinks about when we were in the hospital after Cassie was born or the funeral or the month after that. I mean, I’m fine with her being upset and whatever, but I don’t want to just moap around the rest of my life. Yeah, it sucks that we don’t have Cassie. It shouldn’t be that way because we would have taken really good care of her, especially Sam, but we still have bills and we still have things that need to be taken care of. And with her funeral costs and the hospital stay and everything we had that much more to worry about. So yes, I had to go back to work and I wanted to go back to work. It was somewhere I could get away from being reminded that we had just spent 6 ½ months getting everything ready for her and she’ll never use it. Sam does better when she can look at pictures of Cassie and cry and be upset and hate the whole situation but I do better not looking at them. I don’t need to stare at pictures of Cassie.”

“Why do you feel you needed to go back to work?” It was kind of a dumb question, but she was the therapist and I wasn’t. She probably had a reason for her stupid question.

“Because, the world doesn’t stop just because Cassie died. Things still need to be taken care of and I love providing for Sam. I, for the most part, love the life I have with her. Of course, I’d rather have Cassie with us, but I love having money to do nice things for Sam.”

“Sam, how did you feel when Freddie decided to go back to work?”

“Well, I mean, I know the world doesn’t stop. I’m not really that naïve, but I hated sitting around the apartment by myself all day. It just sucked. It hurt. I wanted Cassie with me but I didn’t have her and I didn’t have Freddie either. I couldn’t talk to him about it because he just shut down. It was like he had already accepted it and moved on in life and I couldn’t.”

“Do you think that could be the reason you believed a doll was your daughter?”

“I don’t know, maybe. I just wanted someone there and he was always gone. I could deal with it most of the time before but after this happened I guess I hoped he would cut down or something to be home with me. Maybe it was selfish, but he’s my husband. I couldn’t deal with being alone. And yeah, I could have called Carly or Spencer or whatever but they didn’t understand like Freddie would have. Cassie wasn’t theirs.” It scared me how open Sam was being, she had never talked about this stuff before. Maybe she had, I don’t know. Maybe I just didn’t listen.

“Freddie, did you ever consider cutting back at work?” Susan asked. I had.

“All the time, but I couldn’t. My job was my job; I had to be there until the end of the day. I couldn’t just say ‘hey Jack, I think I need less hours.’ Especially because Jack would never go for it and we had so much stuff to pay for. Sam doesn’t think financial, she just thinks emotional. And I get she was upset and everything and I wanted to be home with her. She was always on my mind when I was at work, but there were other things that had to be taken care of.” I wanted Sam to get the importance of money in our lives. We wouldn’t have half of the things we had if I didn’t work.

“But it felt like you put your job before us. And we’re important too, Freddie. We have to work on our relationship and get through this together, even if you don’t think you have anything to get through. I do think about financial things, babe, but I needed you and you just kind of bailed on me to go back to work. Sometimes it feels like you care more about your job than you do about me.” How lonely had I made Sam feel? She was absolutely right, I bailed on her when she needed me. No wonder she had never trusted me. We had never been able to have a real conversation. It was always work or money or whatever. It was never just us.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel like my job is more important than you because it’s not. You’re always on my mind. I’m always thinking about you.”

“Would it kill you to be home more?”

“No, that’s why I took this promotion, so I could be home with you.” Sam smiled. She loved the thought of me having an office she could go crazy in and the thought of me coming home in the middle of the afternoon instead of 6:00 at night.

“Okay, the session we had last year I asked if you guys ever tried any other form of communication like text messaging or notes. I think it would be a good idea for you guys to take one night a week and just sit down and write a letter to Cassie. Then you can each read the others letter and if you want to talk about them then you can sit down and do so. It’s a way of talking about how you’re feeling without interruption or deep conversation and then you’ll both understand how the other feels about her.” it wasn’t a bad idea, and I was surprised that off of everything we had just argued about and talked about she had come to that conclusion. It actually made sense.

“I like that,” Sam smiled. Her smile was amazing, it made my whole world complete.

“Me too.”

“Okay, so that’s a plan. You guys can stop at the desk if you feel you need to come back. Otherwise good luck and I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter. I hope things start to look up for you guys.” We stood up and walked out of the room. Sam seemed more giddy than usual.

“So, let’s go out and do something. We haven’t gone out on a date in a long time.” I said. Sam laughed.

“We don’t have to go out and do something, baby.”

“But I want to bring you somewhere.”

“Pini’s?” Oh Pini’s. Besides having Carly flip out and say we shouldn’t be dating if we can’t work things out ourselves it had turned out to be the best first date I had ever gone on.

“Sounds like a plan.” We had reached the car and I stopped her.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I never wanted you to feel like you couldn’t talk to me. I never wanted you to feel alone.” She kissed me.

“I know, but that’s why we came here. I wanted to hear you felt and I wanted you to understand how I felt.” She whispered.

“I love you,” I told her.

“Me too. Very, very much.” She kissed me again and got in the car.

X

The date at Pini’s made up for the last one we had gone on, maybe because we were married and her little habits didn’t bother me anymore. There was no reason to argue. We were back at home and it was 11:00 at night. Sam and I were watching a movie. Well, I was watching it, Sam was asleep. I didn’t want to move her because she always looked so calm when she was asleep. I’d let her sleep on me all night if I had to. She started moving and I looked down at her.

“Are you still awake?” she yawned. I laughed.

“Yes.” I responded. She sat up.

“How come you didn’t wake me up?”

“Why would I wake you up? You were just fine.”

“What were you going to do when you got tired?” she asked.

“Sleep?”

“Sitting up like this?”

“Yeah, I’ve done it before.”

“You’re weird.” She commented. I laughed.

“Only sometimes.”

“Hey babe?” she asked.

“What?”

“When are we going to have more kids?” Mommy fever had hit Sam ever since she got pregnant with Cassie.

“18 years from now.” I laughed. She didn’t think it was funny.

“I’m serious.” I pulled her closer to me.

“I know, I’m sorry. I don’t know, I’m not thinking of more kids right now, Sam.”

“I want more.”

“I know you do.”

“I want, like, six more.”

“Six huh?” I smiled. She didn’t think about trying to house kids in the apartment she loved so much. It would never happen.

“Or seven.”

“Okay, baby.”

“We make cute babies.” She mumbled. She was falling asleep again.

“Yes, we do.”

“So we have to bless the world with their beauty.” She said. I laughed and shut the movie off.

“Come on, angel. Let’s go to bed.” I stood up and pulled her up from the couch.

“Okay.” She wouldn’t argue when she was tired. She walked into the room and I locked the door to the apartment and joined her.

“We’ll talk about more kids later, Sam, when you aren’t half asleep.”

“Mmhmm.” It only took thirty seconds for her to pass out again. Crazy Sam. Six or seven more kids. She didn’t know what she was saying. I shut the light off and went to sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

The alarm on my phone started going off louder than usual. Sam rolled over and groaned.

“Shut it off.” She complained. I grabbed my phone and turned the alarm off. I kissed her forehead.

“Sorry babe, I didn’t know I had it so loud.”

“Mmkay.” She mumbled and fell back asleep. I got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. It seemed so quiet in the apartment. I turned the water on and got in the shower. Today was bound to be an interesting day. I’m sure Sam had told Carly about our therapy session and I’m sure Carly would harass me about it when I got to work. I got out of the shower and walked back into our room. Sam was sitting up in bed.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked her. She shook her head. She looked really tired. I walked to the closet and pulled my clothes out. I loved working somewhere where I could dress however I wanted to and nobody bothered me about it. I started getting dressed.

“Freddie?” I heard Sam say my name behind me so I turned around.

“Yeah?”

“Can I go to work with you today?” I stopped for a second and just watched her. I half expected her to say just kidding, but she didn’t say anything. She just waited for me to answer her.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I don’t want to sit here all day.” She yawned.

“So you want to come to work with me?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know if Jack would allow that, Sam.”

“Jack likes me, he won’t have a problem with me hanging around. Besides, I’ll be really quiet and I won’t bother you. I’ll just hang out in your office or whatever. Please babe?” she pouted at me. I sighed.

“Fine, hurry up.” She got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. I knew she s would take forever; it was such a Sam thing. I finished getting dressed and walked into the kitchen. Sam would be hungry whenever she finished getting ready so I took the donuts out of the cupboard. I waited for her for twenty minutes before I walked into the bathroom.

“Come on, Sam. You’re going to make me late. Let’s go.” I heard her groan and shut the water off.

“Why do you always rush me?” she got out of the shower.

“Because if I didn’t you’d stand in there all day and night. Come on, get dressed. We have to go.” I walked out of the bathroom and grabbed the keys. Sam walked into our room. I waited for her another three minutes.

“Sam!”

“I’m coming, just relax!” she walked back out of the bathroom and threw her hair up. She always looked the best in the morning. We walked out of the door to head to the studio.

X

“Sam, you are so lucky I’m not late. I would have killed you.” Sam had made me stop at the gas station because we forgot the donuts. Sometimes I wondered if her brain functioned at all in the morning. We walked into the studio.

“Benson! Where have you been?” I looked back at Sam who was just behind me. Jack followed my gaze and I felt a slight bit of annoyance from him. It dropped quickly. He really did like Sam.

“Hello, Sam. Surprised to see you here.” He greeted her. Sam waved.

“She didn’t want to sit at home. She insisted on coming. I told her—“

“Oh relax, Benson. Your wife is always welcome in the studio. Check in with Carly and Michael. Review Mark’s camera, check the lighting. Oh, and I need you to fire Mitchell.”

“Wait. What? You want me to fire Mitchell?”

“Yes. Actually, you should probably do that as soon as he comes in. The damn kid has no clue how to run a camera. Nothing but a damn liar. No better than Tony. Come on, Sam, let’s catch up.” Sam walked over to Jack, who put his arm around her shoulders, and they walked away. I rolled my eyes. Firing? I had just started this job. The demand had no sooner sunk in when Mitchell walked into the studio. I had no idea how to fire someone. I stopped him before he got to the camera and motioned for him to follow me. We walked into my very bare office.

“Sit down.” I walked behind the desk and saw his application sitting on the top. Jack had written a few notes on a post it and stuck it to the application. He had already prepared this.

“What’s up?” Mitchell asked. I sighed and sat down. Firing people just wasn’t something I was good at doing.

“Your application says you used to run the main camera for Fear on NFN.”

“Yes.” He hesitated.

“And why did you leave NFN?”

“To come here. NFN wasn’t getting me anywhere.”

“Did you really run the main camera?”

“Yeah, why?”

“It just seems like someone who ran the main camera for a popular T.V. show would have a better understanding of how the cameras here work.” Fear flashed in his eyes.

“Well, you know how it is. Learning at a new job takes time.” He spoke quickly. I hated catching people in lies. It was always so obvious.

“This job isn’t very difficult. There’s not a lot to learn. All you have to do is stand behind the camera and listen for cues.”

“Mr. Benson,” it sounded weird. Nobody had ever called me that, “I’ve just been trying to adjust. I’m used to just running the camera, moving it around, you know? News is different than—“

“Listen, Mitchell. We know you lied about running the main cam on Fear. We called NFN.” He sat there for a minute before he started talking about.

“Listen, I’ve always admired this news show. I always wanted to be a part of this show. I spent my entire high school career just messing with cameras and I wanted to do that the rest of my life. Nobody would take me seriously.”

“Mitchell, we need experienced tech people behind the camera. People who have worked on a set before and know what to watch and listen for. You aren’t experienced. We’re going to have to let you go.”

“Come on, Mr. Benson. Just give me a little time. I know I could do great here.”

“It’s not up to me, Mitchell. Jack’s made his choice. The way I see it you can either leave here with some pride still intact or Jack can have security drag you out of here. Either way, you’re fired.” Mitchell folded his hands and licked his lips, then stood up and walked out. I took a deep breath and walked out of the office. Mitchell slammed the door open and I saw Sam watch him storm out. I walked over to where her and Jack were standing.

“Didn’t take it well did he?” Jack asked. I shook my head.

“Nope.”

“Most people don’t.” he shook his head.

“Thanks for the notes.” I said. He gave one short nod.

“Didn’t expect you to go it alone first time firing someone. Now go check with the anchors and the lighting.” I looked at Sam and she smiled, then turned back to Jack and started talking to him about something. Jack laughed. Maybe that’s why he liked me so much.

“Okay Carly, Michael. Camera 2 today. Breaks after the fall story and the wildfire story.” Listening to myself I sounded nervous and annoyed at the same time. It didn’t make sense, I felt just fine. Well, I was a little aggravated, but not beyond what you would be the first time you have to fire somebody.

“What’s up with Mitchell?” Carly asked me.

“Don’t worry about it.” I tapped my hands on the desk and walked over to Mark. I could feel the look Carly was giving me. She was confused. I looked at the screen on the camera and moved the camera around a bit.

“I’m so glad you’re a good camera guy, Mark.” I said. Mark laughed.

“Of course I’m a good camera guy, Benson. I taught you everything you know. You didn’t think you just walked in knowing everything about this show did you?” I chuckled. Mark had shown me around this place and had always had a way of making the show interesting. I remember once he had tricked one of the anchors on Halloween by putting a fake spider on her head right before we went on the air. She quit that same day. Jack wasn’t very impressed but Mark and I always laughed about it.

“You know what I mean. It’s like come and go in the studio. One day someone’s here, the next day they’re gone.”

“Yeah, it’s always been that way. By the way, you see that cute little blonde over there?” he pointed to Sam and I knew some sort of remark was coming, “you think she likes Italian food?” he laughed. If it wasn’t Mark I would have hit him, but Mark was married and he always messed around.

“Yeah, I think she does,” I laughed, “alright, it’s almost cue time.” I walked back over to Jack and Sam. Sam gave me a look like she wanted to know what was so funny but she dared not to talk when we were this close to cue time. Jack was a really strict person when it came to cue time.

“Okay, let’s get this show on the road. Mark, cue.”

“Sounds good, boss,” he laughed when Jack gave him a look, “in 5, 4, 3, 2.” He pointed at the anchor table. Carly started talking. Sam looked at me and smiled. She enjoyed this more than I did. Everyone knew who she was and they were always going out of their way to make her feel like part of the group. I think it made her feel special. She was special to me, but that didn’t seem to matter to her because we were married. Michael and Carly went back and forth between stories and Michael threw in his random jokes. Sam tried not to laugh at him but every few minutes he would have to turn around so Jack wouldn’t get mad at her. I knew she was tired when she started doing that; Michael wasn’t even funny.

“And we’re clear.” Mark said. Sam started laughing and Jack joined her. I think he was probably laughing at her, but it didn’t matter. Jack had always liked Sam, ever since the first time she came into the studio and stood up to him. He had had a fondness for her ever since. Jack suddenly turned serious.

“How are you doing, Sam?” it was the most concern I had seen him show someone since I started working here. Sam’s face dropped and then she smiled.

“Good. A lot better.” She answered. Carly ran up to Sam and hugged her.

“What are you doing here?” she asked. Sam shrugged.

“Better than being bored at home right?”

“Yeah, I suppose.”

“So look at you ms. News anchor on the number one news show in Seattle!”

“I know, it’s so awesome!” Carly looked like a five year old on Christmas day. She was always so happy lately.

“Beats blogging.” Sam said simply.

“Hey! Blogging was fun.”

“Blogging’s lame, Carls.” Sam laughed. Carly rolled her eyes.

“One minute to cue!” Mark called out. Carly hugged Sam again and then ran back to the desk. The news show continued the same way it did every day.

X

“I’m hungry!” Sam complained. She was sitting on the couch in the livingroom and I was in the kitchen. She didn’t want to go out and I didn’t want to cook, so I ordered Chinese for her.

“You complaining is not going to make them move faster, Sam.”

“It should.” She folded her arms and I walked back to the couch.

“It doesn’t.” I sat down next to her and she leaned against me. I put my arm around her.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you, too. What do you want?”

“Why do you always assume I want something when I tell you I love you. Maybe I just want to say it.” I laughed.

“Sam, you never just say it for the hell of it. Now come on, what can I do for you?”

“I want a baby.” She mumbled.

“We have a baby.” I reminded her.

“Fine. I want ANOTHER baby. One I can take care of.”

“Mommy fever hit you hard.”

“Freddie, I have all this love built up for Cassie and nowhere to put it.”

“So I’ll get you a puppy,” she glared at me, “okay, I’m sorry. That wasn’t funny.”

“Why are you so against more kids?” she asked me.

“I’m not. I just don’t want to try to have any more right now, Sam.” I was okay with not having a baby in the house right now. I didn’t want to have a baby in the house that could be compared to Cassie by either me or Sam. Not that we had much to compare a new baby to.

“Baby, I’m not trying to replace Cassie with a new baby if that’s what you’re thinking. Nobody could replace Cassie. I just, I don’t know. Ever since I found out I was pregnant with Cassie it’s like all my feelings towards kids have changed.” I kissed her.

“I know, angel. Let’s just see what happens okay?” she smiled.

“Okay.” There was a knock on the door.

“Chinese!” Sam jumped off the couch and ran to the door. I loved her. The way any conversation could end just like that at the thought of food. She came back to the couch after kindly slamming the door in the poor delivery guy’s face.

“You’re so cute, Sam.”

“I know.”


	18. Chapter 18

It had been a week since Sam came home and everything seemed off. It was like she had woken up one day and was just fine with Cassie being gone. I didn’t know what to think. I was glad to have her back, but I knew it was an act. She still missed Cassie. There was no way she didn’t. Eventually she would have to break.

I was on my way home from work when Carly called me.

“I can’t talk, Carly, I’m driving and traffic is crazy.” I was about to hang up when she stopped me.

“Is Sam at home?” she asked me.

“She should be, why?” a car cut in front of me and I almost dropped the phone, “Carly, I really have to go before I get into a car accident.”

“Well, she’s not answering the door.”

“Bye, Carly.” I ended the call and tried to focus on the cars around me. Where did people learn how to drive? I slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of me. The last thing I needed was to send into a downward spiral by ending up in the hospital. Stupid people. Some people should never get their driver’s license. My phone started ringing again.

_Carly calling_

She wanted me to die. I picked it up.

“Would you like me to make it home alive?” I snapped at her.

“There’s weird noise coming from your apartment.” She sounded worried and her worry concerned me.

“What kind of noise?” I asked her.

“Like, obnoxious laughter. Almost evil.”

“Well, go home. I’ll be home in just a minute.” I hung up the phone again and concentrated on driving. If I was lucky I would be home within the next sixty seconds and off this road.

The guy in front of me slammed on the brakes and I nearly hit him. I was tempted to get out of the car and ask him what the hell was wrong with him, but I didn’t feel like getting into a fight. I had everyone convinced I didn’t have road rage. Everyone except for Sam. She knew how much I hated other people on the road. I pulled up to our apartment building and parked. It was comforting to be parked and not driving. I got out of the car, locked the doors and walked to the main door into the building. I pulled the door open right as Carly pushed it. She stopped for a second, realized it was me and then stepped to the side.

“Something’s going on up there, Freddie, I’m telling you.”

“Well, I’ll check it out. You just go home. Maybe she’s just watching a movie or something.”

“No, there were two people in there. It sounded like a guy.”

“Carly—“

“No, I don’t want you to get mad at me for it. I’m just telling you what I heard.”

“Just go home, Carly.” She walked out the door and I started walking up the stairs to the fourth floor. Carly was so quick to judge Sam. I’m sure she wasn’t in our apartment with some guy and if she was and something was up she would have called me. Carly had put doubts into my head. I trusted Sam, I knew she wouldn’t betray me. Right? Yes. She would be faithful to me. I walked down the hall towards 4-D and stopped a second to listen. Carly was right, something was off. There were definitely two people in the apartment. I unlocked the door and walked in.

Bottles were littered across the floor. It was like someone had had a party in our apartment.

“Sam?” I called. I heard laughing from our room and the door was shut. My heart dropped. She couldn’t be doing this. There was no way she was in our room in our bed with another man. No. I slowly approached our door.

“Sam?” I called again. Still no answer. There was a jacket sitting on the couch and it wasn’t hers. Fear filled me followed by anger. Who was here and what was she doing with him? I threw the door open and Sam turned and looked at me, laughing. There was a very strange woman sitting across from her on the bed with a tattoo gun in her hand. Sam was holding a bottle of rum in her free hand and she drank it straight.

“What the hell are you—“ I started. She cut me off with a laugh.

“Do you like my tattoo?” she slurred. I stared at her. Tattoo? Drinking? What the hell was wrong with her?

“Tattoo? When did you get a tattoo, Sam?”

“She’s getting it right now.” The woman said. If it was even a woman. Something was off about her.

“Who the hell are you?”

“I’m Diva.” Diva? What the hell kind of name was that? I walked up to Sam and took the bottle from her.

“Sam, why is there a random…woman in our apartment giving you a tattoo?”

“She’s my friend.” Sam laughed. I shook my head and sat on the bed next to her.

“And where did you meet her?” I asked her. She was too caught up in her laughter.

“She was on the corner of 16th and Iquelan when I went for a walk today.” she was drunk. It concerned me that she had even been down there. Everyone knew that’s where the prostitutes hung out.

Prostitute. A prostitute that looked and sounded like a man. I jumped off the bed.

“Sam! You let a crossdressing hooker into our apartment to give you a tattoo?” Sam put her fingers to her lips and almost fell backwards. Diva caught her.

“They don’t like that word.” Sam giggled. I rolled my eyes.

“Relax big boy, I’m a licensed tattoo artist.” Diva smiled at me and I backed away a little.

“Just get that dirty needle away from my wife.” I said. The hooker laughed.

“It’s a sterile needle, I wouldn’t use a used needle on anybody unless I hated them,” That was almost comforting, “besides, I’m already done.” she, or rather he, started packing up the tattoo stuff and Sam stared at her arm in awe. She started giggling again. I was glad I had taken the rum from her. Diva started rubbing an alcohol pad on the tattoo. Sam never stopped laughing. The hooker covered the tattoo and a gauze pad and taped it down. He stood up and walked slowly towards the door. He stopped right in front of me.

“You know, you’re pretty cute for a married guy.” I stepped back again.

“Bye.” He winked at me and walked out the door. I didn’t move until I heard the apartment door closed. I looked at Sam. She was laying across our bed just laughing at nothing. I set the rum on her dresser.

“Sam…”

“Wasn’t she pretty?” she was staring at the ceiling like it was the most entertaining thing in the world.

“Sure?” I sat next to her on the bed.

“She’s so nice.”

“Sam, what the hell are you doing? Since when do you drink? And when did you start taking walks down prostitute lane?” Sam pointed at the ceiling.

“Look baby, there’s a kitty on our ceiling.” She started laughing again and I sighed. She was way passed drunk.

“Are you even listening to me?”

“Oh! The kitty moved!” her hand fell back onto the bed. I stood up and walked back into the livingroom. I looked around at all the bottles laying on the floor. Had she consumed all this alcohol? My phone started ringing and I took it out of my pocket.

_Mom calling_

I rolled my eyes. Of course.

“Hi mom,” I started picking the bottles up off the floor.

“Have you talked to Sam about California?” she asked. I groaned.

“Yes mom, she hasn’t given me an answer yet.” I told her.

“Why is all the rum gone!” Sam yelled in a British accent and started laughing.

“What was that?” my mom asked.

“Just Sam.”

“Do you two want to come over for dinner tonight?”

“Not tonight, mom. Maybe another time.”

“We never do anything together anymore.”

“Yes we do just not every week because I’m 23 years old and I’m married. I gotta go.”

“I need to know about the trip by next week so I can book it or not.”

“Okay mom. Bye.”

“Hey now, you may be married but I’m still your mother. I love you.”

“I love you, too, mom.” I hung the phone up and threw the empty bottles into the garbage then walked into our room. Sam was asleep now. I hoped. I checked her breathing and she seemed fine. I shut the light off in the room and shut the curtains so it was dark for her. I walked into the livingroom and turned the T.V. on. I had been hoping to spend the afternoon at the park with Sam, but she had obviously made other plans. I didn’t get it. What reason did she have to be drinking and get a tattoo from a hooker?

Cassie.

I guess she thought drinking away the memories would somehow help. Maybe it did help her a little, but they’d always come back. She would probably be asleep the rest of the night. There was nothing interesting on T.V. and I didn’t want to go anywhere just in case Sam did get up or throw up or whatever, so I decided I would take a nap. I walked into our room and gently moved Sam so she was laying on her side in bed just in case she ended up throwing up. I covered her with the blanket and just watched her. This wasn’t like her. I pushed the hair out of her face and smiled. She was still beautiful, even as a drunk mess. I walked to the other side of the bed and layed next to her. I loved being with her. I couldn’t tell her just how much I loved her. Words couldn’t say what she meant to me. Just laying with her was the epitome of love. I never wanted anybody else.

I fell asleep slowly with the image of Sam’s face in my head.


	19. Chapter 19

I walked back into the apartment. I figured when Sam woke up she’d have a pounding headache and the worst stomach ache of her life, so I had gone to the store to buy things to produce my own hangover kit. I had done the research time and time before, never thinking I would have to actually utilize the information I had found. I set the bag on the counter and started pulling stuff out: multi-vitamins, vitamin E, calcium, Asian ginseng, vitamin C, B-50, Gatorade, aspirin, crackers. I heard Sam groan and turned towards the bedroom door. Now it started.

I walked to our bedroom and saw her laying with her hands over her face. I laughed.

“Good morning, sweetheart.” I said. She shook her head and groaned again. I walked over to her and moved her hands. She looked miserable.

“Don’t talk.” She whispered.

“Come on, I have some stuff in the kitchen for you.” Sam put a pillow over her face.

“No.” she said shortly. I took the pillow off of her face and pulled her up.

“Come on, baby, it will make you feel better. I promise.”

“How do you know?” she complained. I was never allowing alcohol in this apartment again.

“I’ve had my fair share of hangovers, Sam. Now come on, angel.” She stood up and then sat back down.

“I can’t. Everything hurts.”

“Okay, I’ll bring it to you then.” I kissed her forehead and she flopped back onto the bed. I walked back into the kitchen and loaded the stuff back into the bag to bring to her. I never thought Sam would drink let alone get drunk. She had complained about the taste of every single kind of alcohol I had given her. It was either too strong, too sweet, too whatever. I brought the bag into our room.

“You’re such a good husband.” She mumbled as she sat up. I laughed.

“I know.” I gave her the bag and she sifted through it, pulling out the aspirin first. She would have consumed the whole bottle if I let her. I watched her for a while. It was funny to see Sam drunk, but even funnier to see her hungover. I almost felt bad for laughing at her pain, but she had to understand. She had done the same thing to me time and time again, except she had never gone out and produced a hangover kit. She had simply let me suffer.

“You wanna tell me why on earth you were drinking in the first place?” I asked. She hesitated, looking down at the blanket she had made for us and picking at the loose strings. She looked sad and that’s when I knew she was going to tell me she wanted to forget.

“I don’t know, I walked into Cassie’s room yesterday and saw how empty it was and it hit hard. I want her. It’s not fair that I don’t get to have her when I love her so much.” She mumbled. I pulled her face up so she was looking at me.

“I want her too, Sam. You aren’t alone and you know that you can call me whenever you need me. You don’t have to drink every last ounce of liquor we have in the apartment and take a happy little walk down prostitute lane.” She sighed and I saw tears form.

“I just wanted to get her off of my mind. She’s all I ever think about. Her face is always in my head and I don’t want to end up going crazy again thinking I can hear her cry or laugh or whatever. This apartment is too quiet, especially when you’re gone.”

“I know. It is really quiet here. But right now there’s just not much we can do about it.” I wiped her tears away with my thumb. She had a devilish look in her eye.

“We could have another baby.” She spoke slowly, almost hesitating with the words.

“Sam…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.” She sounded as if she wanted to take the words back. I kissed her.

“Now, care to explain the she-male hooker you had in our room last night giving you a tattoo?” Sam laughed.

“Well, I was walking down 16th street and I came up to the corner to cross the street and I saw a whole bunch of them just standing there. They were just laughing and whatever and at that point I had already started drinking so I was all in a good mood and she stopped me and started talking about my hair. So I stood there just joking around with them and I saw her tattoos and I asked her where she got them done because they looked really nice and I wanted a tattoo of Cassie’s name which I never told you but I did so—“

“So you just stood around on a corner with a bunch of prostitutes?”

“Let me finish. So she told me that she used to work in a tattoo shop and that’s how she got the tattoos and she was showing me the ones she did herself. Then I told her about Cassie and how I had been looking around for a shop that would do exactly what I wanted for a good price and she told me she’d do it for free—“

“And that didn’t seem off at all? A wanna-be female hooker offering you a tattoo for free?”

“Do you want to hear the story or not?”

“Sorry baby.”

“So I said that would be awesome and I invited her over so she could do it, but she had to stop at her place first and let me tell you, her place was NICE! Really clean and whatever. Anyway, she grabbed her tattoo stuff and we came up to the apartment and I think she did a really good job. Although, my arm hurts more now than it did when she was doing it.” I looked at her for a long time before I finally accepted that Sam had not been thinking about any consequences before doing this. I shook my head.

“I don’t understand you sometimes.”

“Come on, babe, it looks really nice. See?” she pulled the gauze off of her arm and I was surprised. For a hooker, the tattoo came out pretty nice.

“Sam, do you have any idea how dangerous that could have been? You don’t know if that…person…was a drug dealer or had diseases or if they really were a tattoo artist. You can’t just walk around the streets of Seattle and bring random people back to our apartment. Especially hookers.”

“But she was really nice and she didn’t treat me differently even after she heard about Cassie.”

“Sam.”

“Okay, fine.” She folded her arms and looked back down on the bed.

“Why don’t you talk to me about how you feel?”

“Because, I don’t even know how I feel. All I know is I miss her all the time. It just is too real to me and it freaks me out. I hate knowing there’s nothing I can do and I just have to take the time to not hurt anymore. Every day I wake up and just try to function and it becomes impossible. I don’t even like being awake anymore. I don’t like sleeping. I don’t like any of it because her face is always there. And you always say it’s easier for you to deal with it when you have something to focus on. Well I don’t. I love Cassie and I miss her and I know what you think when I say I want another baby but I don’t want to replace her. I just want something to focus on so it doesn’t hurt as much.”

“I told you I would get you a puppy. You could train it and play with it and whatever.” Sam rolled her eyes.

“I don’t want a puppy, I want a baby. I want to have a human being that I can rock to sleep and sing to and hold when I feed and watch sleep and know that it’s a product of me and you and how much we love each other.” I sighed.

“Honey—“

“Here it comes.”

“Come on, you know I want a family with you and you know I would love to come home every day to you and a baby or a lot of babies or whatever but—“

“Okay, Freddie. I get it.” I groaned. I hated feeling guilty, especially because of Sam.

“Baby, stop doing that. I hate that.”

“You just don’t want any more kids, Freddie. I get it.”

“Yes, I do. Sam, that’s not even close. But I thought we were just going to see what happened.”

“Well nothing’s going to happen if you keep saying NO all the time.” She said sarcastically. I rolled my eyes.

“When is the last time I told you no?”

“Yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that too.” I kissed her again. She reacted quickly. She didn’t even want sex for sex; she wanted sex for a baby. I felt her lips curve into a smile.

“This is how it should be.” She mumbled. I just kept kissing her, moving from her mouth to her neck. She always smelled so good. Like strawberries. She tilted her head back.

“I love you.” I said. She laughed.

“I love you, too.”


	20. Chapter 20

We were sitting at my mom’s house on the couch. Sam hadn’t wanted to come, but I told her she was either going to go with me or I was never going to buy ham again. She thought I was bluffing, but once I started throwing the ham we had in the garbage can she had fallen on her knees and said she’d go about a million times.

My mom was on her laptop trying to find the website that showed everything she wanted us to know about California. Sam still didn’t want to go, but my mom had me convinced it would be tons of fun.

“There it is,” she clicked a few more things on her laptop and then turned the screen so we could see it. Sam rolled her eyes and groaned.

“Be quiet, Sam.” The screen was covered with the picture of a nice looking hotel. I clicked on the pictures to see different areas of building. Sam started playing with her hair.

“Sam, come on. You know it would be fun to go to California.”

“Yeah, maybe if it was just with you. No offence.” She looked at my mom, who faked a smile and spoke through gritted teeth.

“It’s for Freddie’s birthday, Sam.” The fake politeness made me laugh. Sam looked at the screen.

“Oh, baby look at that.” She pointed to a picture of one of the rooms. I looked at her and she had a small smile on her face. She was so weird.

“Sam, you’re so ridiculous.” I laughed. My mom looked like she wanted to smack Sam, but I knew it was just because they hadn’t been around each other in a long time.

“So, obviously we wouldn’t be staying in the same room. You and Sam would be alone…” my mom’s voice trailed off when Sam kissed me. She was just doing it to spite my mom. Her annoyance with her was evident lately. My mom cleared her throat. After another minute she slammed her hands on the table and stood up.

“Okay, that’s enough. I’m trying to do something nice for my Freddie for his birthday and you’re just ruining it!” Sam tried to hide the smirk that was trying to form on her face. She just had to provoke my mother.

“Well, you could just buy him something like most parents would for their about to be 24 year old children.”

“I am buying him something, a plane ticket, and if you keep it up—“ Sam stood up.

“What? What are you going to do to me? What could you possibly think to do to me that could be worse than what I’ve already been through in my life?”

“You’re going to be truly alone, Samantha Puckett, if you keep trying to stop him from having a life.”

“Benson. I don’t stop him from doing anything! He’s more than welcome to go to California with you or whoever else he wants to go with!”

“You know he won’t go unless you go!”

“Then I guess that’s your problem, isn’t it?” they stood staring at each other for a while. They had been doing so well getting along. Now they just resented each other even more. Sam was tense, mostly because of having someone threaten her in the first place which brought back the memories of Cassie and the fact that she didn’t have her but also partly because she couldn’t stand being told what to do or even influenced towards one direction.

“Okay, enough. When do I get to say what I want?” they both looked at me.

“I’m sorry, baby.” She put her hand on my face.

“Are you ever sorry? Or do you just say it to him so he won’t leave?” my mom’s arms were folded and I rolled my eyes and sighed.

“Could you stop trying to make her mad?” my question was ignored.

“What the hell would you know about me? Absolutely nothing.”

“I know you’ll never be good enough for my son!”

“You don’t know shit! We’ve been just fine!”

“Oh don’t act like I don’t know what happened. He should have left you when you killed his baby.” I stared at my mom. There was no way she just said that.

“Mom—“ I looked over to Sam. Her mouth was partially open, too in shock to even have a comeback. She turned and stormed towards the door. I stood up and reached for her but she just kept walking.

“Sam…” she ignored me and slammed the door shut behind her. I turned back to my mom.

“What the HELL were you thinking?” she looked really guilty.

“That is not what I intended to say.”

“Way to go, mom. Now she’s NEVER going to come over here again! Are you happy with yourself? Do you know how much pain she’s already gone through? How many times she’s asked me what she did wrong? Huh? No! And I don’t think you even care! Forget California, I don’t want to be anywhere near you anymore.” I grabbed my jacket and followed Sam. She wouldn’t be too far, it was too cold. I ran out the front door and looked around. She was leaning against the car with her arms folded. I approached her, fearing that she would start screaming at me at any point in time. The closer I got the quicker I realized there would be no screaming or fighting. It would simply be me trying to calm her down and stop the tears that kept falling. I felt horrible, and I hadn’t even said anything to her. I pulled her to me.

“Do you think I killed her?” she cried.

“No, baby. No, of course not. I know you didn’t do anything.”

“Why is she such a bitch? What did I ever do to her?”

“I don’t know, honey. Let’s just go home. We won’t come here again.” I moved her away from the car and opened the door for her. She put her hands on my face.

“I love you. You know that right?” her eyes were bloodshot from crying so hard and her cheeks were red from the tears and the cold.

“Of course I know that, why wouldn’t I?” my mom had made her insecure.

“I don’t know, maybe you would believe your mom or something.”

“Not over you. She doesn’t know anything.”

“I want to go see Cassie.” She said it like it was nothing, like she had thought about it and knew it was what we would do today. I watched her, waiting for her to change her mind. I knew she wouldn’t.

“Okay, are you sure?”

“Yes. I need to see her.” she got in the car and shut the door. I slowly walked to the driver’s side, got in the car and waited.

“Absolutely sure?” I wasn’t sure if I was ready for this. Facing her pictures every day was one thing, but seeing her gravesite was completely different.

“Yes. It’s almost Christmas, babe.” I sighed and started the car. The second hardest moment of my life was about to come.

X

Sam was kneeling in front of the headstone we had bought for Cassie. She was sliding her fingers across the front slowly. I wished I knew what she was thinking, knew what she was feeling. I wanted to be her for her so she didn’t have to do this. I stood back and just watched her. I wasn’t ready for this. I couldn’t officially say goodbye to her. Something was up, Sam was rushing through the grieving process as if she had to get over Cassie quickly and it concerned me.

“Sam?” I hesitated.

“Yeah?” she turned and looked at me.

“What is going on? A month ago you couldn’t even hear her name without going crazy and now you’re just sitting here on her grave.”

“It’s just time to let go, Freddie. I know she’ll never truly be gone. She’ll always be with me, even if I can’t see her. I can’t go on like this forever. I have to just let her go if I’m ever going to be okay in life. It’s something they taught us in group.” She turned back to the headstone.

“You don’t have to let her go so quickly.” I finally understood how Sam felt. She had thought that she was recovering too slowly from the death of Cassie, but as I watched her walk into acceptance I felt like I was holding on to something I shouldn’t be. She stood up and walked towards me.

“It’s just the best thing for me to do, and whenever you’re ready to let her go you will. But I’ve spent far too much time thinking of her. It will still hurt talking about her, but I want to move on in life and have more kids and be the wife I should be instead of the woman putting you through hell.” She put her hand on my face again. It was weird for her to be so sentimental and open. I took her hand.

“There’s no rush in this, angel.”

“I know.”

“And you weren’t putting me through hell.”

“Yes, I was.”

“Never.” I would argue with her about it until she finally agreed if I had to. Nothing she did had ever pushed me over the edge. She was simply coping the only way she knew how, and I knew her, so it didn’t even phase me. Yeah, it sucked watching her go through it, but she was okay now and that was all that mattered. She walked back over to Cassie’s grave and kneeled again. Snow started to fall as she talked to the headstone.

“I miss you, but I know you’re safe and warm and taken care of wherever you are. I know you’re loved and cuddled every day and you get the best of both sides, Cassie, because your daddy and I love you even if we don’t see you. You’ll always be loved by us no matter what the future holds for us, even if we have more kids, even if we move away from the apartment or whatever happens. You’ll always be our special angel. Always. Nobody that comes into our lives will ever compare to you,” the snow started falling harder and Sam looked up at the sky. She looked like some sort of sculpture Spencer would create. The snow falling on her face, the confidence. Sam looked back at the headstone, “someday I will see you again and I will hold you and cuddle you and love you like I wasn’t able to do down here on earth. I will go to whatever lengths I have to to prove how much you mean to me. Merry almost Christmas, my princess. I hope you’re enjoying the celebration of your life wherever you are this year.” She put her hand on the headstone again, tracing the letters of Cassie’s name. Her words made my heart break. I realized that the whole time I had been trying to help Sam I had really just been trying to help myself. Not having Cassie was killing me. I should have her. She shouldn’t be in the ground. Sam and I would have loved the hell out of that baby and given her everything her small heart could desire. Sam stood up and turned back to me again. She hugged me and I lost it. The roles were reversed, instead of me being the one she needed, she was the one I needed.

“I knew eventually you would break. You shouldn’t try so hard to be a man, Freddie. Everyone knows you’re a nub.” She laughed and I smiled.

“You didn’t know anything,” I mumbled. She nodded her head.

“Yes I did. You’re my husband. And you know what? You really shouldn’t be afraid of feeling something when it comes to Cassie because wherever she is, I’m sure she’d be pretty pissed that her daddy acts like he doesn’t even care about her. You always tell me I can talk to you, well it goes both ways. Even when you think I need you I don’t always need you. Sometimes you just have to trust in the fact that whatever you do whenever you’re hurting over Cassie is going to be more than acceptable and will be welcome.”

“Let’s just go home.”

“Yes, let’s go home. And make a baby. That sounds like a plan to me.” I rolled my eyes and laughed and we walked back to the car.


	21. Chapter 21

“Why is it so cold in here?” Sam complained. I shrugged. It felt just fine to me.

“Are you sick?” the more I thought about it the more obvious it seemed. She had been throwing up a lot lately. She tried to cover it up but I had caught her last night. She didn’t say much about it, but I figured she probably had the flu. She refused to let me take her to the doctor.

“I don’t know, maybe.” She was acting very distant and weird.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“Nothing, I’m fine. Let’s just go.” I had decided to take her to the light show in the park. She had never gone to it before and it was always a good time.

“Maybe we shouldn’t if you aren’t feeling good.” I took her hand.

“No, I’m fine. Come on. Let’s go.” She opened the door and started pulling me out the door. She stopped.

“Babe?” she turned and ran back into the apartment. She slammed the bathroom door shut and I sighed and walked back inside.

“Sam?” I knocked on the bathroom door and then just opened it. She looked miserable.

“Go away,” she whined. I shook my head and kneeled next to her. I pulled her hair away from her face.

“Baby, I’m taking you to the doctor.”

“No!” she jumped up then sat back down.

“Yes. Come on honey, you need to see the doctor.”

“I’m not going to the doctor, I’ll be just fine.”

“Sam…”

“Just stop, I really want to go see the light show.”

“You can’t even walk out of the apartment without having to throw up, Sam. Why do you have to argue with me? You could be really sick.”

“It’s nothing,” she stood up and grabbed gum I wasn’t aware we had out of the medicine cabinet, “come on, let’s just have a good time.”

“Samantha—“

“Look, if I don’t feel better tomorrow I’ll go to the doctor, okay?” I couldn’t read her face.

“I work tomorrow.” I reminded her.

“So I’ll have Carly take me.”

“Babe.” It felt like she was never going to agree with me, and she probably wouldn’t.

“Come on, Freddie,” she put her hand on my face, “I promise I’ll go tomorrow if I don’t feel better. Let’s just go have fun. I’m really excited.” She gave me one of her “I’m about to get my way” looks and I smiled.

“You…” I laughed.

“Me…” she took my hand again and we walked out the door.

X

“This is so awesome,” Sam whispered. She had only thrown up three times since we left the house. Apparently that was an accomplishment for her.

“I knew you’d love it.”

“It would have been nice to bring Cassie with us.” She mumbled. I stared at her. She was such a beautiful woman. Despite the sarcasm, the jokes, the fights, I couldn’t imagine life without her. I sighed.

“Yeah.” I whispered. I didn’t want to talk about Cassie. Her face in my head was haunting me day and night. Sam had caught me staring at Cassie’s pictures in the middle of the night just as often as I had caught her trying to quietly run to the bathroom. It was very suspicious, but if she knew what was wrong she would tell me.

“Well, next year we can bring the baby.” Sam hadn’t given up the baby talk, but instead of annoying me it was actually making me re-think the whole situation. I had waited my whole life to be a dad, especially the last six years I had been with Sam, and I didn’t want to just give up fatherhood because I lost the first one. Jack had lost his first born too, and he never gave up.

“Yeah, maybe.” I took her hand and we continued to walk along the path. She kept glancing at me like she wanted to say something, but nothing ever came out of her mouth.

“I want to know what you REALLY think of having more kids.” She finally said. I smiled.

“Well, the more you nag me about it,” she gave me a look, “relax, I’m kidding. The more you bring it up the better it sounds. Of course I’d love to have a baby to come home to and take care of. I just worry that I’m going to turn around and compare it to Cassie somehow or resent it because it’s not Cassie.” Sam stopped and turned so she was standing in front of me.

“That’s ridiculous, Freddie. We both know you would never do that.”

“I know…kind of.”

“So…”

“Look, Sam. You wanted to know how I feel about it so here it is: I want a family with you.” Sam smiled.

“Good, because I don’t plan on telling you where your condoms are and I already stopped taking birth control again like three months ago.” I chuckled.

“I can just buy more.”

“And they would just happen to go missing again.” She smirked.

“Wait, what do you mean you stopped taking birth control AGAIN?” she stared at me and then started walking away, “Sam?”

“Okay, when we first got married I was on birth control.”

“When we FIRST got married?”

“Okay well for like the first two years maybe.” It made my blood boil to hear she had been the reason we never had a child. It made me more mad to know that the countless times I had found the pills she had lied about it.

“So…” I couldn’t think of the words to say. It was so unbelievable to think Sam would go to such lengths to prevent having a family, “basically you took birth control even though I told you I wanted to have a family with you? You decided that what you wanted was more important than anything else? I mean, I knew you were kind of a selfish person, Sam, but seriously?”

“I’m sorry,”

“And you lied to me about it? Telling me they were Carly’s?”

“Freddie, I’m not on it anymore.”

“And then you went BACK on it? When did you do that?”

“After I had Cassie. I didn’t want any more kids at that point.”

“So instead of talking to me about it you just did it? Are you kidding me?”

“Okay, Freddie. Please just shut up and listen to me. Whatever happened in the past doesn’t even matter anymore, but nonetheless I felt really bad because I knew it was stressing you out not having a baby, so I stopped taking it. I felt really bad about taking it in the first place, and I know it was a stupid thing to do and I’m sorry. I really am. You don’t have to believe me, but after I got pregnant with Cassie I realized it was so stupid of me to try to prevent it because nothing in the world felt better than being responsible for a tiny little thing.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before now? Why would you let me believe there was something seriously wrong?”

“I didn’t want you to be mad at me.”

“Okay, so if you knew it was so stupid why did you go back on it? There wasn’t a point to go back on it, especially since you wouldn’t even let me touch you. Unless….”

“Freddie! No! I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. And I went back on it because I knew if I didn’t I’d probably get pregnant again and I knew neither of us were ready to have another baby. And I never knew what it was going to be like after Cassie died. I didn’t know if I was going to be like I was or if I was going to go back to being the way I was before Cassie or anything like that.”

“So why are you telling me all this now?”

“Because you asked.”

“What else are you hiding from me that I have to ask about?”

“Nothing.” She looked nervous and as soon as panic flashed on her face and in her voice I knew there was so much more she was keeping from me.

“Okay, fine. So then I guess you’d be more than willing to tell me what’s going on that you’re so sick?”

“I don’t know, maybe it’s like the stomach flu or something.”

“So why won’t you let me take you to the doctor?”

“Because there’s no reason to go.”

“I think there’s a reason.” I just wanted to know what she was keeping quiet about and she was fighting it. Hard.

“There really isn’t. I’ll be fine in a few days.”

“You’ve been sick for a week.” She sighed and rolled her eyes.

“So?”

“So? What’s going on?”

“Can we just have a good night and NOT play 20 questions?” she started to walk away again. I followed her.

“Well, we wouldn’t have to play 20 questions if you told me stuff without me having to ask you first.”

“I will go to the doctor tomorrow if I’m not feeling better.” I rolled my eyes. I knew she was lying about something.

“Sam, stop playing around. You already know what’s wrong with you so spill already.”

“I already told you, I don’t know why I’m so sick. Like I said, maybe it’s the stomach flu. Or maybe it’s just the flu or something.” I was hoping if I waited long enough she would just tell me what was up, but after five minutes I realized nothing was going to be coming out of her mouth.

“Fine, we’ll talk about this later.” I said. She smiled and I took her hand and we continued to walk through the light show.

“I can’t believe I went 23 years without ever seeing this. How did you even know about this?” she asked me. I shrugged. The memory of coming here every year with my mom was bittersweet now after all the drama. We hadn’t talked since that day.

“My mom and I used to come here.” Sam’s smile faded and was replaced by the most serious look she could manage.

“Well now we’re here together,” she smiled again, “maybe we should make this a tradition.” I kissed her.

“I like that idea.” I said. She sighed and looked down at the ground. She was thinking and I wanted to know what was going through her mind.

“Like me, you and the babies.” She mumbled.

“Yes dear.” She stopped walking and took a deep breath.

“No, Freddie. I mean me, you and the BABIES.” I laughed. Her desire for a family had started off annoying and was now just humorous.

“Yes baby, when we have kids we will bring them too.” She groaned.

“Freddie, I don’t think you’re getting it,” she looked really nervous and it made me nervous.

“What am I not getting?”

“We’re going to be having babies a lot sooner than you think,” she raised her eyebrows, tilting her head a bit.

“Wait. What?” the fear was back. The fear that Cassie would be so easily replaced. I wasn’t ready for more. I had only said I loved the idea because it would be great for the future, not for right now.

“I was going to wait until Christmas to tell you.”

“A baby?” I couldn’t get past the B word. The word that sounded so great but tasted so dirty in my mouth. I had a baby, a baby I didn’t want to replace so quickly. Fatherhood had been the thing I wanted my whole life, but I was terrified.

“No.” she shook her head.

“No?” She had just told me she was having a baby, now she was telling me she wasn’t? I was confused, and that mixed with the fear I felt was making my head spin.

“Two babies.” The words faded quickly into the background and I was surrounded by black.


	22. Chapter 22

I had caused a scene, apparently, because when I finally was conscious of my surroundings I noticed a group of people hovering around me. Sam was all I focused on. She was kneeling next to me in the snow, which surprised me because all she had on was jeans and they were probably soaked from being exposed to the wetness.

“Two?” how on earth did this happen? I didn’t even expect one to manage to sneak up on us. She nodded.

“Yes, honey.”

“How do you know?” even if the pregnancy test told her she was pregnant she wouldn’t know there was more than one baby in there.

“We went to the doctor.” We?

“We who?”

“Me and Carly. I told her to keep hush about it.” So the throwing up, the obvious secret keeping, everything was because of the TWO spawns.

“When did you find out?”

“Just this week when I started throwing up. I thought maybe I was sick and I knew you would nag me about going to the doctor because you always do so I called Carly and we went to the doctor and he asked me if I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before, it seemed so obvious. I didn’t feel sick, just throwing up. Plus I’ve been really hungry all the time, more than usual, and cold all the time just like when I was pregnant with Cassie. So he did the test and told me I was pregnant. Well, then we went back like two days later like he told us to because he was kind of suspicious since I was already so sick and everything and he took my blood again and said my hCG levels had, like, tripled or whatever and apparently that’s an early sign of twins or something. Can we leave? It’s weird having all of these people staring at us.” I nodded and got up with Sam doing the same thing. We walked out of the park and to the car. I turned the heat on, knowing she had to be freezing because she had just been kneeling in the snow for God knows how long.

“Maybe you’re whatever levels just randomly jumped for no reason.”

“That’s what I thought at first but I had never heard of that so I asked if there was any other way to detect twins and the doctor said we could check heartbeats and/or do an ultrasound. So I did both. I promise you there are two in there. There’s no doubt.” I took a deep breath and started driving away. Sam was staring at me, waiting for me to say something. I had nothing.

“Well, I guess it is what it is.” I shrugged. Her hopeful expression had dropped and was replaced by the disappointment she didn’t even bother trying to mask. She looked down at her hands, which she had placed on her stomach. How did I not notice all the signs? Maybe I did and just pushed it off, assuming it couldn’t be true. Denial. I was really good at that lately.

“I’m sorry,” I heard her whisper. She was confusing me even more.

“What are you sorry for?” I asked her. She sighed but didn’t say anything. Sam had really not been making sense lately, and it kind of concerned me.

“I thought you’d be happier about them.” She had taken my words and my reaction exactly how they appeared. She didn’t know the battle I was fighting in my heart. The fact that I was torn between how much I loved Cassie and how much I loved the new babies already.

“You’re sorry for getting pregnant?” she continued to be silent.

“I don’t know, I guess a little bit.”

“Sam, that’s insane. It’s not like you did it yourself. Remember I said we’ll just see what happens? I guess I didn’t expect it to happen so soon. I’m just confused about the whole thing. It’s not like I’m not excited about this.” I smiled at her but she continued to avert her eyes away from me. I pulled up to the apartment building and parked the car. I was determined to make her smile before we got out of the car. I turned her face to mine.

“Sam, I’m sorry. I am excited. It was just a lot to take in at one time, angel. Please don’t think I’m angry with you or whatever because I’m not. I guess I just expected it to take longer, but it makes sense. We’re always saying we deserve a family, and we do. So now we’ll have one.” She tried to look away from me again but I wasn’t going to let her.

“I love you?” she looked confused.

“I love you, too, sweetheart. Now please smile. You’re breaking my heart.” She laughed. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t completely truthful. I hated to see her upset, but it didn’t shatter me. I hugged her and then we got out of the car and went to the elevator.

“So…” she started. It didn’t have to be awkward.

“So, we have some decisions to make.” I took her hand as the elevator reached the fourth floor.

“Yeah. A lot.” She sighed. We walked to the apartment and I unlocked the door. She immediately walked into the bedroom and I followed her.

“Do you want to stay here?” I asked her. She pulled a pair of sweatpants from her dresser and turned around.

“I don’t know. I love this place, but it seems too small for two babies. Maybe I’m exaggerating, but the nursery seemed perfect for Cassie. Maybe because she was just one. I don’t know, I’m all confused.”

“Sam, we could always make it work if you wanted to stay here.”

“I don’t know,” she sighed again, “I love this place. I don’t want to move, but do we want to live in an apartment forever? Especially in the middle of the city? I mean, what about when they’re older and going to school and wanting to play outside?” she started to change and I watched her. She was more than I could handle sometimes. She laughed.

“Why don’t you just take a picture, Benson?”

“Don’t tempt me.” I smiled. She laughed again. She walked into the livingroom and sat on the couch. I sat next to her.

“Well, it’s up to you sweetheart, but you’re right. They have nowhere to play or go around here because I certainly wouldn’t allow children to walk around outside here by themselves and when they’re little they aren’t thinking of cars in the street or anything like that.” I put my arm around her and she looked around the apartment.

“I love this place. I don’t know how easy it would be to give this up, but it’s like a constant confliction in me. I want them to have somewhere they can run around and have other kids around and whatever where they are safe because they’re mine and I love them and I’m already afraid that what happened to Cassie is going to happen to one or both of them—“

“Sam, that’s VERY rare.” I couldn’t believe I had overlooked the initial fear in her. The fear of having a repeat pregnancy.

“Yeah, that’s what the doctor said too but it doesn’t stop me from worrying about it. But whatever, it doesn’t matter—“

“Yes it does, Sam.”

“Not really,” she wasn’t going to agree with me so I just dropped it and listened to her, “but I think it would be nice to move closer to a school or something.”

“You really want to move?” the thought of leaving everything behind and starting new was strange. Sam nodded.

“Only because if we’re going to be having two babies we should be somewhere safe. There’s a ton of crime over here and it scares me.” I pulled her closer to me.

“Okay baby,”

“Do you think it’s a bad idea?” she was second guessing. Sam had always wanted this apartment from the moment she had stepped foot in here when we were looking around. She loved this place.

“I think it’s up to you. We could make the apartment work if you wanted to stay here. As far as crime goes, we have never had a problem with it and I don’t see us ever having a problem with it.”

“Now I’m all confused again.” She threw her head back and looked at the ceiling.

“Well you don’t have to decide now.”

“I know, but it just…” something else was bothering her and I couldn’t figure it out, “I don’t know, maybe it’s the thought of having to take apart Cassie’s room and change it into something completely different for the new babies makes me nervous. It would feel like we’re pushing her off for the new babies.”

“Aww, babe. You and I both know we could never just push Cassie off. It would just be different. Besides, if we had Cassie with us we’d probably have to move because there’s not enough room here for three babies.” Sam closed her eyes.

“So, I think we should move. But into another apartment. Maybe like a three bedroom? Then we wouldn’t have to move if we had more kids after these two.” She looked at her stomach again. She had already started the weight gain.

“Are you sure?” I asked her.

“Pretty much.” Her answer was quick.

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to, Sam.” She looked back at me.

“Look, we have less than 35 weeks to get everything situated and that’s only assuming I would make it to 40 weeks which is unlikely with twins apparently. So we need to make decisions quicker than usual. It would be best for us and for them. We would have a fresh start without the hurt that this apartment holds and they would have a safe place to live where we don’t have to worry about them being stabbed or kidnapped in the middle of the night.” I sighed.

“Okay, we’ll start looking tomorrow.” She nodded.

“Okay,” she kissed me, “I’m going to bed. I’m tired.”

“Goodnight, sweetheart.”

“Night.”


	23. Chapter 23

It was 4:30 in the morning, fifteen minutes before I usually got up for work, and I heard Sam get out of bed and run off. I groaned. I didn’t know if I could handle weeks of this. The loss of 15 minutes of sleep in the morning was doing me in already and it was only the first day. I climbed out of bed and walked to the bathroom. I yawned and then knocked on the door. I don’t know why I even bothered knocking; it wasn’t like she was going to tell me it was okay to come in when she was in the middle of emptying the entire contents of her stomach into the toilet.

“Sam?” all I heard was her vomiting and I sighed. The little babies in her stomach were already destroying her and she hadn’t even hit two months yet. I walked in, sat next to her and pulled her hair away from her face just as I had done yesterday. I had grown accustomed to catering to Sam, especially after her pregnancy with Cassie. She hadn’t thrown up nearly as much as she did now, but it was the same thing either way. When it appeared she had nothing else coming out of her mouth I heard her sigh.

“Are you okay?” it was probably a stupid question, but it was early enough that I could get away with asking stupid questions. She shook her head.

“Is it even normal for a person to throw up this much?” she sounded terrible and I figured it was probably because of the fact that when she wasn’t sleeping she was pretty much throwing up. The bathroom had become her new home.

“I don’t know, babe. Maybe it’s more common with twins or something.” At the mention of the word twins she had turned and started vomiting again. It worried me and I decided the only thing to do was bring her back in to the doctor to make sure nothing else was going on. I would do that when I got back from work. For the second time in five minutes she stopped but this time she burst into tears. I pulled her close to me.

“Shhh, it’s okay. Remember this is just a phase.” I hoped that rubbing her back would calm her stomach and her emotions, but it didn’t seem to be doing either.

“I didn’t even eat anything. It’s like, how can you throw up so much with nothing in your stomach?” I kissed her forehead.

“I don’t know, honey, but I’ll take you to the doctor after work today okay? For now why don’t you lay down, I’ll turn the fan on and you can cover up and I’ll give you a bucket.”

“I just want to sleep in here.” I laughed.

“That is not normal or sanitary. Now come on, baby. I’ll take care of everything. I’ll get you some crackers or something.” I stood up and pulled her up with me. She groaned and for a second I thought she was going to throw up again. I brought her to the bedroom and she layed down.

“Can you stay home today?” she whined. I shook my head.

“No, I can’t. I’ll be home around 1 or 1:30 though babe.”

“What happens if I start to die?” I rolled my eyes.

“Sam, you’re not going to die. And if for some reason you were to start to die you can call me or Spencer.” I pulled the blanket over her and she groaned again.

“I don’t want you to go to work.”

“Sam, just stop. You have never wanted me to go to work. I will be home before you know it. Just go back to sleep.” I kissed her forehead again and walked into the bathroom to take a shower. I hated to leave her alone when she was so miserable, but work was work and we needed the money if we were going to move out. It felt nice to just stand under the running water, at least I was by myself.

“Freddie!” I rolled my eyes and sighed, stepping out of the shower. I wrapped a towel around myself and walked back into our room. Sam looked terrible.

“Babe? Are you okay?” she shook her head. I walked over to her and put my hand on her face. She felt a little warm, but my hands were cold. At least I thought they were cold.  

“Please just take me to the doctor right now. I can’t take this anymore.” Sam asking to go to the doctor was like a solar eclipse. She hated going to the doctor more than I hated listening to her complain about everything in a single day. I nodded.

“Okay, let me call Jack real quick and I’ll bring you in.” I grabbed my phone off the side table and walked away. I hated making calls in front of Sam, especially calls to Jack.

“Benson, what are you calling me so early for?” Jack sounded like he had just woken up, which he probably had.

“I can’t come to work today. I have to take Sam to the hospital.”

“What’s wrong with the wife?”

“I don’t know, she’s throwing up all the time and she just looks horrible.”

“Is she pregnant again?” I sighed.

“Yeah, well that’s part of it.” I rubbed the back of my neck. I was really tired.

“Alright, well do what you gotta do, Benson. Congratulations on the new kid.”

“Kids. There’s two of them.”

“Hmm, well then. Tell Sam to get better so you can get your ass back to work.” I chuckled.

“Yeah, I’ll do that. Thanks Jack.” I hung up the phone and walked back into our room. Sam was crying again. I walked back over to her.

“Come on, angel. We’ll go to the emergency room.”

“I hope you planned on putting clothes on first.” I had forgotten I had just stepped out of the shower to come to her. I laughed.

“Yes, dear.” I grabbed some clothes out of the dresser and threw them on quick. Sam sat up and layed back down about ten times before she actually got out of bed. She shook her head.

“Sam, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just really light headed.” She put her face in her hands and I watched her. Could this girl possibly stress me out anymore? Probably, but maybe I should be thinking of it less as stress and more as an opportunity to take care of her and prove she means the world to me. Damn early thinking. I took Sam’s hand and she stood up slowly. Whatever was going on with her it was making her into a completely different person.

Sam didn’t throw up again until we got outside, which I was thankful for because otherwise it would have just been a big mess. She literally had just stepped outside when she turned and once again was releasing whatever she could possibly have in her stomach. People were staring at her and I just wanted to smack the stupid looks off their faces. It’s not like it was her fault she wasn’t feeling good. He opened the door for her and closed it after she got in the car. She leaned her head against the window. It seemed like the drive to the hospital would be a long one, especially if she had anything left in her system.

X

Sam was laying back on the table in the emergency room. She had her eyes closed and was trying to focus on breathing and not throwing up. We were waiting to find out what was going on. The nurse had drawn blood from her half an hour ago. I didn’t know how extreme this was until they pulled the needle out. It didn’t make sense to me; drawing blood from somebody who was already lightheaded, but I just sat silently in the room. Sam looked tired now that she was in harsher light and I could see the small bump of a stomach starting to form because of the two fetus’s inside of her. I wondered if they were the cause of all this mess. The doctor knocked on the door before walking in. Sam didn’t move, just put her hands over her face.

“You’re severely dehydrated. How often have you been throwing up?”

“Every damn day.” She was also crabby.

“How many times a day?”

“I don’t know, it starts around when Freddie goes to work and doesn’t stop until I go to bed.”

“Well, based on your salt and sugar levels, we’re going to have to admit you until your fluid levels are back up.” Sam groaned.

“No, I don’t want to stay in a stupid hospital.” I stood up and took her hand.

“Sammy, come on. You know this is best for you and the babies.” I whispered. Any mention of the children she was carrying turned her attitude around about whatever she was against. It also helped that she had no energy to argue in the first place. She sat up slowly and followed the doctor out of the room. It felt weird being back in the hospital. Neither of us had had any luck in the last year and a half. The doctor gave me a clipboard with a bunch of papers on it to fill out. Sam layed in a hospital bed and the nurses started stabbing a needle into her arm. It was like it didn’t even phase her. She just layed there and watched them.

“Are you blind?” she asked the nurse.

“Sam, be nice.”

“Well, she’s shoved this thing in my arm five times. It’s not like my veins are that hard to see.” She wanted to sleep and it had become very obvious. The nurse shook her head.

“I’m sorry about her.” I sat in a chair across the room and started filling out this stack of papers. They should have these things on file from the last time we were here. The nurse finally managed to get the I.V. in Sam’s arm and Sam shooed her away.

“Sam, you really need to learn to be nice to people. Especially people who are stabbing you with pointy objects.” She shook her head and motioned me over.

“What can I do for you princess?” she smirked.

“You can shut up and let me sleep instead of lecturing me about how to treat hospital staff.” I rolled my eyes.

“Whatever you say, Sam.” I sat back in the chair across the room and watched her. She drifted off to sleep very quickly and watching her made me finally understand how lucky I was to be with her. She would never change and I loved that. I loved that she would always be sarcastic and rude and over the top but at the end of the day she was mine. I don’t know when it happened, but sometime in the time I watched her sleep I fell asleep myself.


	24. Chapter 24

Sam had insisted I bring a picture of her to set on the desk in the office I rarely used just to remind people that I was hers and nobody else could have me. The comment had made me laugh, especially since the only women here were Carly and some older lady that ran around telling the lighting people and production people what to do. Well, besides the new camera person that we hired and the reporters, but they never came into my office anyway. Besides, the wedding ring was a pretty good indication that I was NOT available. She had become very jealous of other women since she had gotten pregnant again. Well, I guess she had always been that way, but it was more obvious now.

Carly approached me behind the camera before the show. She was more excited about the babies than I was.

“What’s up, Carls?”

“Do I have to work with him today?” she looked back at Michael.

“Yes? He’s the other anchor, Carly. We don’t have a million anchors to choose from on any random day,” she gave an exaggerated sigh and that sent me into a whirlwind of confusion. I looked back down at the screen, checking everything out.

“Then maybe I’ll just quit.” I rolled my eyes.

“For what?” I didn’t care too much what her problem with Michael was.

“Because it’s too weird now that we broke up.” I looked up at her again.

“HE was the Michael you were going on and on and on about?” Carly gave her exaggerated sigh again as if I was the stupidest person on earth just because I didn’t have any desire to keep up with her social life. I had other things to worry about.

“YES Freddie. Everyone knew that.” She folded her arms.

“Obviously not everyone or I would have known. What’s the big deal? It’s not like you have to sit and flirt with him. You’re here to talk about the news.” I walked towards Mark and Carly followed me.

“Come on, Freddie, can’t you get one of the reporters in here to anchor?” I stopped and turned around.

“No, Carly. A reporter isn’t an anchor. They’re two completely different things and I’d suggest you watch yourself. Michael’s been here for three years and if anybody is going to lose out on this anchor job it certainly isn’t going to be him. So go sit down at the desk and get ready to do your job. I don’t have time for this.” Maybe it was because her problems seemed like high school drama to me or maybe it was because I was married with a family but either way Carly had really started to annoy me lately. I stood next to Mark and looked into the screen.

“You okay boss?” he asked me. I nodded.

“Just fine.”

“How’s Sam doing?”

“Better. She isn’t throwing up as much. I guess when your dehydrated it’s just a vicious cycle. You don’t have enough fluid in your system which somehow causes you to throw up and it’s just never ending. So the morning sickness she thought was so severe was really just a mix of being pregnant and being dehydrated.”

“Oh yeah, I heard about the kids. Congrats man.”

“Thanks. I’m still mixed about it.” I moved the camera to the left a bit.

“Why’s that?” Mark was probably the only person I could talk to about my home life without it becoming awkward.

“Just because it hasn’t even been a year since we had Cassie and now it’s like here’s two more babies for you. I don’t know. I’m sure when I hear their heartbeats or see them for the first time it will change my mind.” I shrugged, ready to walk away.

“I’m sure it will. You’re going to be a pretty rockin’ father, Benson.” I smiled to myself.

“Thanks, Mark.” I walked to the other camera. They had found a replacement for Mitchell in the time that I was gone. Her name was Eliza, and she was pretty cool. She was pretty young, too. Maybe she was the girl Sam was paranoid about. I’m sure Carly had told her about the new hire. Carly had a problem keeping her mouth shut. She was like a gossip girl or something.

“How are you doing today, Eliza?” I didn’t know very much about her, but that would change with time. I liked to know the people I was working with.

“Pretty good and yourself?”

“Good, good.” I looked into the screen on her camera. She was on top of her game. She was working to impress and she was pulling it off. I walked back over to Jack and felt my phone buzz in my pocket.

“Check it,” Jack sighed. I looked at him.

“What?”

“Your phone.” Was it even possible to hear that?

“How did you even know?”

“I hear everything. I’m Jack.” He laughed to himself and I pulled my phone out of my pocket.

_I’m hungry!_

That’s all she texted me for. I rolled my eyes and hit reply.

_Then find some food. I’m at work. I can’t be texting you. I love you._

“Okay, let’s get this show going! Mark, cue!” I wasn’t going to let Sam distract me today.

“Okay, let’s make it count! In 5, 4, 3, 2.”

X

I was in my office on the laptop we used to cut the news together. It was kind of boring just sitting in here by myself putting stuff together. There was a knock on the door and Eliza walked in.

“What’s up?” I leaned back in the chair. She shrugged.

“Your wife is here.” I rolled my eyes.

“Okay, let her in here.” Sam walked in fifteen seconds later. She glared at Eliza and then looked at me and smiled.

“I missed you. Are you mad?”

“Yeah, a little bit. I’m trying to work. Besides, I know why you really came here, Sam. Maybe you should stop being so paranoid.” She pulled a chair around the desk and sat next to me.

“I’m not paranoid.” I laughed.

“Yes you are.”

“Nah, if I wanted to make sure no girls were bugging you I would have just walked in here.”

“You did just walk in here,” I was looking back at the screen. She was a huge distraction.

“So, I found some places you might like—“

“Okay, Sam. I have a job to do. Please be quiet.” After being with Sam for a week straight I just needed a break from her. I couldn’t get away from her no matter where I went. It wasn’t like it was when we were teenagers and we didn’t care if we saw each other. Now she wanted me to be with her all the time and it was really irritating.

“You’re crabby today.” She mumbled. I rolled my eyes again and sighed.

“Because you’re bugging the hell out of me,” I saw her look at the desk and I knew she was bothered. I looked away from the computer and turned her face, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like that. Sometimes I just need time to concentrate on work and not you.” She sighed.

“Okay, I’ll leave.”

“No. Stay. I’m almost done. I just need to focus on this and not the apartments or anything else right now, okay?” she sat back in the chair and stared at the ceiling. I turned back to the computer and pulled some more clips together. She sighed again.

“I’m bored,” she said. I should have known that was coming.

“Why don’t you go hang out with Jack then?”

“Because I wanna watch you do your work.”

“Well if you’d be quiet for more than thirteen seconds I could actually do it.”

“Why are you being such a jerk? I mean, I get that you like to get away from the apartment and whatever but I sit there every single day just waiting for you to get home. What is SO wrong with me coming to see you? God.”

“Everything is wrong with that,” I pulled some more parts together on the screen and she stood up.

“Fine. Bye.” She slammed the door shut and I groaned. It probably wasn’t a good idea to piss her off when she was already moody. I quickly finished cutting the show together, shut the laptop and brought it to Jack.

“Just go,” he said.

“I’d rather not.”

“Listen, Benson. If you want your marriage to work with Sam then you need to realize that some things just aren’t worth arguing about. After Mary died I went back to work and I worked so much that by the time I got home I just wanted to relax and not listen to my ex-wife go on and on about whatever which ended up in fighting every single night. Now, I have two sons by her, but when you pick and choose your battles you’re more likely to work shit out instead of fighting every night and getting divorced. You already dealt with Cassie and Troubled Waters, so get your ass home and just apologize. It’s not worth fighting about.” He opened the laptop and started looking through the clips.

“No offence, Jack, but how in the hell would you know if it’s worth fighting about? You don’t even know what the whole thing is about.” Jack chuckled.

“I was your age once too, Benson. I don’t have to hear the fights to know. She shows up at your job after you just spent the last week alone with her. I know what the fights about. I’m your boss and I’m telling you to go home and apologize to your wife.” He pointed his pen towards the door and I sighed again.

“Stop being so smart, Jack.” he chuckled again.

“When you’re my age you’ll try to help out a kid your age too. Now get out.” I rolled my eyes and left the studio.

X

Sam was just sitting on the couch when I got back to the apartment. She was still fuming.

“Sam—“ I started. She interrupted me.

“What?” she snapped.

“I’m sorry,” I sighed. She stood up and walked over to me. She didn’t know what to do, so she pushed me back.

“No you’re not! You’re never sorry. You just say it because you think it’s going to make me stop being mad at you!”

“Sam, that’s ridiculous.”

“Is it?”

“Of course it is. Look, you know I love to be with you, but sometimes people just need a break away from each other.” I took her hands and she took them back and folded her arms.

“You need a break from me?” I rolled my eyes again.

“Sam, you know what I mean.” She reached for her ring just like she had done the last big argument we had had. I grabbed her hands.

“No, Sam. Don’t do something stupid just because you’re mad.”

“I hate you,” she threw the words in my face and to my surprise it didn’t sting like it did other times.

“No you don’t. You’re just angry.”

“So what DO you want then, Benson?”

“Look. I love you and I love to come home and see you and spend time with you, but when I’m at work I want to focus on my job. You might hate to hear it, but that’s my time to get a break from you. You know I didn’t mean a divorce by a break from you. You’re just so moody and it’s hard to just hang out with you all day every day because you grate on my nerves. And I’d much rather go to work and get away from you then argue with you about every single little pathetic thing that pops up.” She hesitated and her hesitation was better than if she just jumped back with some sort of comeback. At least she was thinking. She groaned.

“Fine. But I’m still mad at you. You’re cut off.” I laughed and puts my hands on her waist.

“I don’t think so, angel.” I kissed her slowly. It always got her. She smiled.

“Well, maybe you can be cut off later.” She mumbled.

“That’s what I thought.”


	25. Chapter 25

I walked into the apartment and saw Sam sitting at the counter with the laptop. She was concentrating on something and for a second I considered sneaking up on her, but I didn’t need her to hit me or be angry with me again, so I just slammed the door shut. She jumped and turned around with a smile. I walked over to her after throwing the keys on the table next to the door.

“Hello, beautiful wife of mine.” She laughed.

“I am your wife but I’m nowhere near beautiful.” She said. I kissed her.

“Yes you are.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Just hush and agree with me before I cut you off.” I laughed.

“Fine. I love you. Now look at these.” I sat down next to her and she pulled up different websites for different apartments.

“Slow down, Sam. You can’t just click on them every five seconds. Pictures don’t say anything about an apartment.” I took the laptop from her and started reading up on the buildings. She drummed her fingers on the counter. I swear she had A.D.D. or something.

“This one’s nice.” I turned the screen back to her and she practically jumped out of the chair.

“That’s the one I liked the most!” I laughed.

“Okay, Sam. Just relax. We have to have some options.”

“Why?”

“Because there is no guarantee they have anything open at this place or that we’ll like it when we see it or we would be accepted there.”

“What are you talking about? Everyone loves us.” I laughed again.

“Okay baby. Just don’t get your heart set on one place.” She grabbed her phone and jumped off the chair.

“I’m going to call them.” I grabbed her arm and shook my head.

“No, you don’t know what to ask them. Besides, if you really want this place you better just stay quiet.” I pulled my phone out of my pocket.

“What am I, five years old? I think I could handle it.”

“I know you couldn’t handle it.” I dialed the number into my phone and she rolled her eyes and scoffed. The phone started ringing through as Sam muttered to herself.

“Hello?” it was a lady. I, once again, debated whether to mess with Sam or not, but decided it would only make her more crabby.

“Hi, my wife and I have been looking for an apartment and we saw your website. Basically we’re looking for something with three bedrooms.”

“Okay. And what is your name?”

“My name is Freddie Benson.”

“We do have a fairly new three bedroom. It would be available February 1st.”

“How’s the neighborhood over there? We’re looking for something kind of quiet, kid friendly, near schools.”

“We’re pretty secluded for being in Seattle. We’re about a mile from the schools. We have a lot of families in these buildings, so it’s pretty kid friendly. Were you interested in seeing the apartment? I can get you in right now if you want.”

“That would be great. But first, how much does that apartment run?” the money didn’t matter to me, but she didn’t have to know that. It was the question renters hated the most. It was the deal breaker for most people.

“This apartment runs for $1100 a month.” I waited for thirty seconds, an old trick I had learned when I was looking for this place.

“Okay, we’re on our way. Thank you.” I hung up the phone and Sam looked at me with both annoyance and eagerness.

“I could have done that.” She folded her arms.

“Okay honey. Go put your shoes and coat on. Let’s go.” She groaned and walked to the door.

“I hate when you tell me to do like I’m a child.” I stared at her.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“I’m sorry?” I didn’t even realize how often I talked to her like she was a kid. I don’t know why I did it, maybe because if I didn’t she’d go above her normal insanity level.

“Whatever. Let’s go.” She opened the door and we left.

X

“Freddie?” Sam was leaning against the window.

“What?”

“Pull over.” I glanced at her and then back at the road.

“Why?”

“Pull over RIGHT NOW or I’m going to puke all over you.” I no sooner stopped the car when she threw the door open. I bet this made her wish she had never decided to get pregnant. I laughed at the irony of it all.

“This isn’t funny Fredward!”

“I know. I’m sorry.” I was in a strangely good mood today which made covering up my laughter that much more difficult. It wasn’t watching her suffer that made me laugh, it was knowing that she had complained all through this phase of her last pregnancy about it and still wanted more. She slammed her door shut and glared at me.

“I’m sorry baby.” I tried to be serious for a second so she would believe me, but I didn’t have her fooled. She grabbed gum out of the center counsel and stared straight ahead.

“Just drive.” I chuckled and shook my head and drove on.

X

Sam was less than pleased when we finally got to the apartments. Somehow I had managed to change her entire mood around in less than fifteen minutes, not that it was difficult with her mood swings. She got out of the car and slammed the door.

“Oh come on, Sam, don’t take it out on the door.” She glared at me again and I took her hands.

“Come on, angel, you know I wasn’t laughing at you.”

“Clearly you were, Benson.”

“No. Believe me. I love you,” I gave her a crooked smile.

“You’re getting on my nerves, maybe I need a break from you.” She turned away from me and I rolled my eyes.

“After we look at this place you can go to Carly’s or something.” She groaned.

“I hate you.”

“I love you, too, sweetheart.” She walked ahead of me and we met up with, I assume, the woman I spoke to earlier.

“Hi, I’m Jamie.” She shook Sam’s hand.

“Sam.” The lady turned to me.

“And you must be Freddie.”

“Yeah. Hey thanks for doing this. We’re trying to get in somewhere soon.”

“You guys have kids?” she looked between Sam and me.

“It’s complicated. But I’m pregnant. Well, again.” Sam said.

“Oh well congratulations! This place is perfect for kids. You can see the playground over there. We actually have two playgrounds here, so you don’t have to go too far for them to run around. If you’ll follow me this way I’ll show you the apartment.” Sam put her hand in mine and I resisted the urge to laugh again. I knew she was only doing it because of the threat of another woman talking to me. She smiled at me.

“I love you.” She mumbled.

“I love you, too. Even if you are paranoid.”

“I’m not paranoid.” She looked ahead again. We followed Jamie up three flights of stairs and into a long hallway. She stooped at the third door down and unlocked it. This moment would make or break the deal. Whatever Sam did and said when she walked decided if we would move in here or not. Jamie opened the door and we walked in. Sam looked around, her expression blank. She wasn’t going to give in so easy. She was trying to show she knew what she was doing when it came to looking for a place to live, but she just didn’t. We walked into the first bedroom and I saw Sam’s eyes light up. She looked at me.

“We have to.”

“You don’t want to see anything else?”

“No. This is PERFECT for the twins!” I laughed.

“Okay, babe. We have to see the rest of it first.” She sighed and we followed Jamie around the rest of the apartment.

“So? What do you think?” we were standing in the empty livingroom area. It was a really nice place.

“It’s nice.”

“Are you interested in applying for this apartment?”

“Yes!” Sam couldn’t keep quiet anymore. She was way too excited about this place. She hadn’t even been this excited for our apartment in the city. Jamie handed me an application and a pen and I walked away. It was basic stuff, pretty boring. Sam hovered over my shoulder, practically writing for me. I gave the application and pen back to Jamie and she shook our hands again.

“Well it was nice to meet you two. Congrats on the baby.”

“Babies.” Sam corrected her.

“Oh, really?” Jamie was the first person besides Carly who had shown any sort of interest in Sam’s pregnancy.

“Yeah, twins.”

“How far along are you?”

“Well, I’m like eight weeks right now. Give or take a few days.”

“That’s awesome! I have twins. Boys. They just turned one.” Sam smiled.

“Maybe we could have play dates once they’re born.”

“That would be nice. People just don’t understand what it’s like to have more than one baby.”

“That’s for sure,” Sam looked back at me with a smirk, as if I had done something she didn’t approve of, “Thanks Jamie.” She took my hand and we left the apartment.

“What was that look for?”

“For not understanding what it’s like for me to be pregnant with two babies.” I rolled my eyes at her again.

“You wanted to get pregnant.” I reminded her. She laughed.

“I love you.” She said. I smiled.

“I love you, too, angel. Now it’s just a waiting game. We should pack some stuff up, though, just to be ready.”

“Do you think we got it?”

“Well, maybe you have a little charm.” I told her. She laughed.

“It’s natural.”

“Yes dear.”


	26. Chapter 26

“Okay, Anna. Your report is up.” Jack clicked the remote and Anna’s face covered the screen. She was our oldest reporter in the sense that she had been with us the longest. The door slammed open and we all turned around as Jack paused the tape. Sam was standing in the doorway. I rolled my eyes.

“Benson! Take care of your wife!” Jack was in a bad mood as it was without Sam storming in on our meeting. I stood up and dragged Sam out of the room.

“What the HELL are you doing? Do you WANT me to get fired?”

“We got the apartment!” the excitement was easily seen on her face.

“And you couldn’t wait to tell me this until I got home because…?”

“Because, baby! This was too great to not tell you right away!” I grabbed her shoulders.

“Listen to me, Sam. If you don’t stop showing up here when I’m working I’m literally not going to go home. Got it? This is my job and we’re not going to have a damn thing if you keep coming in here when I’m trying to work. Go home or go to Carly’s or go somewhere other than here.” Her smile dropped and she folded her arms.

“When did you turn into such a jerk?”

“When my ass is on the line because you think you have to come in here all the time!” she waited.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

“Just go home, Sam. And don’t come here anymore unless I tell you it’s okay.”

“I’m not a kid, Freddie!”

“Then stop acting like one!” I turned and walked back into the conference room. It was weird to have everyone just watch me sit down.

“Benson, when this is done I want to talk to you in my office.” There went everything. I nodded and Jack continued to play the reports.

X

“Sit down.” Jack sat in the chair behind his desk and I sat across from him. I didn’t know what to expect from him, he was always surprising me, but I was almost sure I was done. He sat in silence for a while before he started talking.

“It’s one thing to have your wife coming in here when you’re in the middle of cutting the show together. It’s completely different when she interrupts our meetings. We never had this kind of problem when you were behind the camera.”

“Jack, I don’t know what’s going on with her but it’s not going to happen again.”

“I thought you were ready for this promotion—“

“I am.” Jack sighed and put his pen down on the desk.

“I don’t know that you are, Benson. When you started here things were different than they were now. Maybe you need a change of pace or something.”

“No, Jack. I love this job. I don’t need any sort of change. This is what I want and need to do. I’m telling you she’s not coming back in here. Even if I have to lock her in a room in the apartment.” Jack watched me.

“I don’t want to get rid of you, Benson. You do too good of a job here. But I can’t have all these interruptions. I’m trying to run a news show, here, not a reality show.”

“I know. It’s not going to happen anymore.”

“One last chance, Benson. Keep her out of here. Now go cut the show together.” I stood up and hurried out of the office. I had no desire to be in front of Jack anymore, especially when I was on a probation kind of thing. I shut the door to my office and pulled out my phone.

_Stay out of here, Sam. If you come here one more time we’re not getting that apartment._

I sat at the desk and started messing with the clips. My mind was somewhere else completely. I felt like Sam and I had changed since we got together. It felt like the more time I spent with her the less I wanted to be with her.

_Don’t threaten me. I wanted to tell you right away. Excuse me for thinking of you._

I threw the phone in one of the desk drawers. I didn’t want to talk to her. I tried to focus on the clips, but my mind kept wandering. What had changed? What was different? Why did I hate going home so much when just a few months ago I couldn’t wait to see her at the end of the day? Maybe Jack was right, maybe I wasn’t ready for this promotion or this job. Maybe before Cassie and before the twins I was ready, but maybe things changed. I pushed all other thoughts out of my mind and cut the show together on the laptop as quickly as I could. I needed to go home and talk to Sam.

X

“Sam?” I shut the door and Sam came out of our room. She didn’t skip a beat, just walked up to me and hugged me. It surprised me. I figured she’d be pissed off at me.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking of anything except the apartment.” She mumbled. I dropped the keys on the table and rubbed her back.

“Okay, honey. I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to snap on you like that. But Jack was in a bad mood and now he told me if you show up again I won’t be working there anymore.” I felt her tense up.

“I’m so sorry. I won’t go there anymore.”

“And no more texting me in the middle of the show.”

“Okay. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Sam. Forever.” She kissed me.

“We should start packing because we only have, like, three weeks or something.” She took my hand and we walked back into our room. The only things left up in the room were the furniture and our clothes. There were boxes stocked in the corner.

“You exploded in here.” I whispered. She laughed.

“And the bathroom too. It didn’t take too long. I think the furniture is going to take the longest. And the kitchen. And probably Cassie’s room.” Cassie’s room. I didn’t even want to think about taking it apart. It was probably the hardest part of moving. Sam looked at the floor.

“I miss her.” she whispered and I could see her trying to mask the tears. She still tried, even when she knew it didn’t matter if she did or didn’t.

“I miss her, too, sweetheart.” I kissed her forehead.

“So, should we start?”

“Yup. Let’s go.”

It was hard to even think about leaving this place. This was the first place Sam and I had gotten together. The place we had chosen together, lived together, loved together and welcomed our first child together. Maybe it was knowing that when we leave behind this place, we aren’t only leaving behind all of the memories of the past, but leaving behind Cassie. This was OUR apartment. Mine, Sam’s and Cassie’s.

“Are you sure you want to move?” I asked Sam. She was silent.

“I don’t even know anymore.”


	27. Chapter 27

We needed a break. A vacation of sorts. Some time away from packing and thinking and second guessing the decision we had made to move. Some time to clear our heads. So I took Sam to a hotel for the night. She would love being out of the apartment and away from all the stress.

“Do you remember when I asked you to live with me?” it was kind of a random question, but it was one of my favorite memories with her. It took me a week to build up enough nerve to approach her. She smiled and nodded.

“Of course. You were sweating. And you spit on my face.” She laughed. I shook my head.

“I did not spit on your face.”

“Okay, Benson.” She had a smug look on her face.

“I still can’t believe you said yes.”

“Why wouldn’t I? I was actually about to confront you about it when you asked. You were slacking,” she chuckled a little, “I can’t believe how nervous you were. Like we hadn’t been dating for two years.”

“Well. You ARE Sam.”

“Sam I am.” She nodded and I laughed.

“Besides, you gave me a reason to be nervous. Remember? Two days earlier you said you would never live with me.”

“No, I said you’d have better luck getting a porcupine to live with you than me.”

“Which would mean?”

“I don’t know it was funny at the time. Actually, it’s still pretty funny.” She was smiling and it reminded me of the first night we had spent together.

“You managed to finish an entire meal in less than fifteen minutes. And you wouldn’t answer me until you ate it all.”

“Does that surprise you?”

“Not anymore.” I looked at her and smiled. She laughed.

“I’m glad you asked me, though.” She moved closer to me.

“I’m glad you said yes. That would have made for a very awkward marriage.” I kissed the top of her head.

“Ha! I almost ran.” I looked down at her.

“What?”

“On iCarly that night. As soon as Carly said something I knew what you were thinking. I almost ran.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It was weird. I had never been that nervous before. It was worse than when we did iCarly from the mental place.”

“It worked though. Got you to say yes to me.”

“I would have said yes to you anyway.”

“Hey. I spent a long time planning that.”

“Okay, so I have to know this. What possessed you to want to get married at 18 years old?” she looked up at me and I smiled.

“Because I was crazy in love with you and I knew there would never be another girl I would feel that way about. Even when we were fighting I always knew that I couldn’t fall harder for you.”

“What do you mean you WERE crazy in love with me?”

“It’s not so crazy anymore, Sam. The pieces just fit together.” She shook her head with a smile.

“I can’t believe I got married so young. Or at all. I can’t believe I’m 23 years old and a wife. I figured by now I’d be resting nicely in prison for something stupid.” We laughed.

“Isn’t this life much better?” her smile faded and she sighed.

“Yeah. I guess.” She sat up and I watched her.

“What’s wrong?” anytime Sam’s mood changed quickly I knew something I said had either bothered her or made her mad.

“I mean, I don’t know. I guess life would be perfect if it wasn’t so fucked up, you know? Like, if Cassie hadn’t died and if I wasn’t pregnant again and whatever.”

“Yeah. Losing Cassie definitely changed things. But I’m happy we’re going to have more. I thought you were too.” Sometimes Sam still surprised me. The fact that she was second guessing her pregnancy, especially now, was one of those times.

“I am. But the more I think about it the more I feel like I was just in too much of a hurry and that I only wanted them to make up for not having Cassie. She’s my baby too, my first baby, and I feel like with the twins I’m trying to fill some sort of void she left in my life. Like I got pregnant just to fill the emptiness I felt. Like I didn’t want them because I wanted more kids, but because I wanted to fill the space Cassie would have occupied in my life.” I pulled her back to me and we looked up at the ceiling. Sam’s emotions didn’t always come out so well in words which is why she held back a lot more than I wanted her to, so when she finally said what she felt it was like being inside her heart.

“I feel that way sometimes when I think about the twins. But I know that’s not why you wanted more. I know you wanted to be a mom and have a child you could take care of.”

“I don’t know, maybe. But sometimes I just sit at home and feel horrible. I mean, you can tell me and the doctors can tell me and Carly can tell me but I think I’m always going to feel like I did something wrong. Like I didn’t protect her and save her and that’s why I don’t have her. Like I should have done a lot more for her.” I ran my fingers up and down her arm. I didn’t like to hear her guilt, especially when she knew that she didn’t do anything wrong. It was hard to convince her that there really wasn’t anything else she could have done. Somewhere between the time she told me she was pregnant to the time she had had Cassie I had taken a hard look at the person she was and debated whether I could handle being with her after everything. Of course, I always knew I could never leave her. No matter what happened between us she would always be the only person I wanted to be with until the day I died. When she finally opened up and started to be more vulnerable I knew that not only would I give anything in the entire world to see her smile, not only would I jump in front of a bullet for her, not only would I do anything in my power to make sure she was happy, but I would stick by her unless she told me to leave. And even then I would fight to the death to show her she was my world.

“You did a lot more for Cassie than a lot of other mothers do for their children.” I whispered. She sighed again.

“I know what you’re saying, Freddie. But you know, it’s like, what about the fighting? What about the stress? I mean what if I hadn’t hit Carly or I hadn’t gotten into it with Missy or I hadn’t turned everything into a stupid argument with you? Would that have made a difference in the outcome? If I hadn’t done any of that stuff would I have her?” I looked at her but she continued to stare up at the ceiling.

“No. It wouldn’t have. None of that caused Cassie to die. If it had she would have passed a long time before then. And you know what? That’s just how you are. It freaked me out, but I don’t think you should blame yourself when you didn’t do anything wrong. There isn’t really anything you could have done to prevent it. Nobody could do anything to prevent it. It’s like, if a tree gets struck by lightning. Is it the trees fault? No. Sometimes it just happens and nobody can explain it. Nobody can explain why some things happen. They just do. I know it doesn’t make it any easier. It probably makes it harder because you have nothing to hold on to. But you didn’t do anything wrong.” She was quiet for a while.

“Do you think after the twins are born I’m going to stop thinking like that?” she asked me. I took a deep breath, not sure how to word it.

“I think once the twins are born you’re going to feel worse than you do. I think you’re going to feel like you replaced Cassie with the twins. I think you’re going to wonder if you had done things this way when you were pregnant with Cassie if she would be with us. But, the point is, Cassie was meant to teach us something. To make us value ourselves, each other, and the rest of the children we have. Whether you believe it or not, Cassie was a learning experience for us. Right now it’s just hard to see the big picture.”

“Do you ever wonder what she would be like right now?” she mumbled. I did. All the time.

“Every single day.”

“I can’t believe in, like, three months it will have been a year already.” She whispered.

“Me either. It’s crazy.” A year since Cassie was born. A year since she died. A year that passed since the day everything in my life changed. It was silent again.

“Do you think we’re making a mistake?” I almost didn’t hear her and once the words got through to my brain I was confused.

“About what?”

“Moving out of the apartment? I mean, we’ve lived there since we were 18. It holds so much significance. Everything’s happened in that apartment.”

“I don’t know. I know how special it is and how much has happened there. I know how important it is to you and to me. But, I also know that we’re at a different point in our lives. We aren’t teenagers anymore. We’re not newlyweds. We’re having kids, and I think if Cassie was with us we would still be moving. So, it’s not like we’re leaving her behind. We’re just changing things up, which is something we need to do to grow and move on. Start a new chapter in our lives. Make new memories. It’s not where we live; it’s what we do. The stuff may have happened there, but the memories are with us, not the apartment.” She shrugged.

“So, we’re going through with this?”

“I think we should. We can’t live in that apartment forever.” I sighed.

“We could.” She mumbled.

“What do you want to do?”

“I want to know what I want to do. I wish there was a clear answer for this.” She put her hands on her face.

“Wherever we are is where home will be, Sam. Whether we’re in the apartment we’re in now or the other apartment or a house or wherever. It’s about me and you and Cassie and the twins, not about the area surrounding us.”

“I know,” she took a deep breath, “so I guess we’re moving.”


	28. Chapter 28

_“I hate my mom!” Sam slammed the door open to the iCarly studio. Carly and I had been waiting for her for five minutes._

_“Where have you been?” Carly demanded. Sam threw her backpack on the floor._

_“At home. She wouldn’t let me leave. She’s crazy, Carly! Worse than Freddie’s mom!”_

_“Hey!” I objected._

_“What happened now?” Carly groaned. Sam threw herself into a beanbag chair._

_“Well first I got home to drop my stuff off and she starts lecturing me about being gone too much--”_

_“She never cared before.” Carly interrupted. Sam threw her hands up._

_“That’s what I said! Then she got all mad and said I was a screw up—“_

_“As the co-host of the most popular web show on the internet?” I asked her. She looked at me._

_“Yeah. I said that too her too. Well, then she told me if I wasn’t going to respect her then I better move out.”_

_“She kicked you out?” I asked. Sam had our full attention now. It was the sign I had been waiting for. The one I had been asking for for almost a week._

_“Yeah. Can you believe that?”_

_“Can she even do that?” Carly questioned. I shrugged._

_“Well, I am 18 now so I guess she can.”_

_“Well, where are you going to stay?” Carly was leaning forward in her beanbag chair._

_“I don’t know. That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Can I crash here tonight?” before Carly could answer I decided it was the one shot I had at getting this right._

_“You can live with me, baby.” I suggested. Sam turned to me and gave me one of her “are you kidding me?” looks._

_“You’d have better luck getting a porcupine to live with you than me, Benson.” I felt like my whole world had just fallen apart. Suddenly it was like I was standing alone in a dark room._

_“Sam…” Carly started. Sam shook her head._

_“Just forget it. Let’s talk about iCarly.”_

_X_

_Two days. Two days I had spent wondering if she would really turn me down if I asked her to live with me. It was probably the second most gut-wrenching day of my life. It would either make or break my relationship with her. I waited until the people around her left and then approached her. She slammed her locker shut and turned._

_“Oh, hey baby. I didn’t see you standing there.”_

_“I just walked over here.” I kissed her._

_“Soo…..” she looked at me as if she expected me to say something._

_“Soo….” I repeated her. She sighed._

_“Look—“_

_“Sam, would you really never live with me?” the whole week of planning had just gone down the drain when those words came out._

_“Okay. One. Ew. You just spit on me. And two, what made you think that?”_

_“You just told me so two days ago. And no I didn’t. Please don’t make this into a joke, I’m being serious.” She groaned and looked around._

_“You know I wasn’t serious. I was just mad.”_

_“You sounded pretty serious.” She rolled her eyes._

_“Freddie, come on. Don’t be such a nub.”_

_“Where are you even staying? Because I know you aren’t at Carly’s.”_

_“Don’t worry about it. Mama can take care of herself, Benson.”_

_“Sam,” I warned. She rolled her eyes again._

_“I’m staying with a friend. Okay? Do I have your permission?” everything was going downhill. This was not how I planned this out. I sighed._

_“Okay, we’re graduating in a month,” I started. She nodded._

_“Yup. All because of you. Making me do homework and all that chiz.” She shuddered at the thought._

_“Did you want to be in high school forever, Sam?”_

_“No.”_

_“Exactly. Anyway, please tell me where you’re staying.” She groaned again._

_“Fine, you remember when you told your mom you were moving out?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“That’s where I’m staying. Just for now until I can find somewhere else.” I took her hands._

_“Sam,”_

_“What?”_

_“You are the only girl I want. Please, come live with me. We can look for a place together.”_

_“Baby—“_

_“I’m being serious. It’s not because your mom kicked you out. I REALLY want you to live with me.” I saw a smile start to creep on her face. It faded just as fast._

_“Your mom will NEVER go for that. She HATES me. And I don’t like her either.”_

_“Sam, let me worry about my mom. Will you PLEASE come live with me?” she smiled again and kissed me._

_“I’ll tell you later, after I get some food. Let’s go. You can take me somewhere.” She laughed and I shook my head, but lead her out of the school anyway._

_“What do you want?”_

_“Surprise me.”_

_“Pini’s?”_

_“No, something simple.”_

_“Fine,” we got in my car and I brought her to a new Mexican place. She laughed._

_“Mama loves Mexican food!” she jumped out of the car and I sighed and followed her._

_I waited and waited and waited for Sam to just give me an answer. The more time I spent waiting, the more nervous I got. I wasn’t even hungry. It only took her fifteen minutes to eat anything and everything they put in front of her. I chuckled, but then got serious._

_“Sam,”_

_“Yes, baby?”_

_“Live with me?” she smiled again._

_“Of course.”_

_X_

_I was surprised I still had a grip on the camera. I felt like I was dripping sweat. It felt like it was 100 degrees in the room. Carly kept looking away from the camera and up at me. I licked my lips._

_“And that’s why you shouldn’t give a monkey a pair of scissors.” Sam laughed. We were finishing up our last iCarly episode._

_“So Sam,”_

_“So Carly,”_

_“Ready to graduate tomorrow?”_

_“Do you mean am I ready to finally be done with school? Why yes! Yes I am.” I laughed nervously behind the camera. Was I really about to do this? Yes, I was. I wanted her and needed her for the rest of my life. I knew that._

_“I think we should take a minute to look at a montage of some of our best iCarly moments through the years. What do you think, Sam?”_

_“Why I think that’s a swell idea, Carls.” She said in a goofy voice. They turned to the T.V. screen._

_“Playback.” I said simply. I was less than five minutes from asking the most important question of my life. I stood by Carly._

_“Are you sure you’re ready for this, Freddie?” she whispered to me. I nodded._

_“Yes.”_

_“Okay.” The video finished and they started wrapping up the episode._

_“Before we finish our final episode of iCarly,” Carly looked over at me._

_“We want to thank ALL of our viewers for sticking around! We wish you luck in your futures!” Sam finished. I took a deep breath._

_“Speaking of futures, our technical producer, Freddie, has something he wants to say.” If there was a time in my life that I had been more nervous, I didn’t remember it. I looked at Carly and then at Sam. She took a step back and then stood still._

_“Thanks Carly.” I took Sam’s hands._

_“What are you doing?” she asked me. I shrugged._

_“Sam, you are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Every single moment in my future I think about has you in it. I know we don’t always get along and things between us haven’t always been perfect, but I love you,” I gauged her reaction to what I had said. She kept glancing towards the door, “tomorrow we make the second biggest walk of our lives together. Graduating with you is awesome, but it’s not a forever thing.” I turned to Carly again and took the box from her hands. I didn’t know if Sam could tell just how fast my heart was racing. It was a huge risk asking her in front of millions of people, but the last time I had done something big on iCarly she had become my girlfriend, so maybe iCarly was my luck._

_“Uhh, Freddie—“ I got on one knee in front of her and her mouth just hung open. She continued to glance at the door and at the camera and then would look back at me._

_“Sam Puckett, forever isn’t just a word, it’s a feeling. I will love you forever. I will respect you forever. I will make you feel like a queen forever. But only as long as you promise to spend forever with me.” She looked over at Carly and then back at me. For the first time in the time I had known Sam she didn’t have anything to say. I waited, the nerves eating me alive. I had opened the door for her and now she would either step through it and accept my proposal or she would slam it in my face._

_“Ah—I—holy chiz,” she couldn’t form a single word she was thinking. Then she started laughing._

_“Of course!” the best two words I had heard my entire life. I stood up and hugged her. She was mine and there was nothing that would come between us. I kissed her._

_“I love you,” she whispered. I smiled._

_“And I love you.” I slid the ring on her finger. It made everything complete. For a moment it was like it was just me and her standing alone in a big, empty room. Nothing else existed. This girl was my life, and I was fuckin crazy about her. I loved knowing no other man in the entire world would be lucky enough to have her because she was mine and mine only._

_“In a month we moved in together, found an apartment to move into after graduation and now we’re going to get married?” I smiled._

_“Yes.”_

_“You’re crazy.”_

_“Only about you.”_

_“Okay nub.” I put my hands on her face._

_“I mean it. Sam, you drive me absolutely insane, but that’s why I love you. There’s never a dull moment when I’m with you. I’ve known for a long time that there was nobody else in the entire world I wanted to be with. You’re all I want and need. And let’s face it, I don’t want anybody else to have you.”_

_“I can’t believe I’m going to marry such a nerdy guy!” she laughed. I kissed her. Again, it was like we were alone in an empty room. Her lips tasted like cranberry juice._

“Freddie!” I woke up to Sam’s voice. She was shaking me.

“What?” I grumbled. I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to relive every amazing memory I had with her.

“I’m FREEZING! Did you turn the heat on in this room?”

“I don’t know.” I mumbled. She kept shaking me.

“Will you turn it on please?”

“If you STOP SHAKING ME.” She stopped.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” I stood up and turned the heat as high as it would go, though I would regret it later when I couldn’t sleep because it felt like I was sleeping in the middle of the desert.

“You’re the best husband in the world.” Sam mumbled. I smiled.

“I know.”


	29. Chapter 29

It was 4:00 A.M. and just as I had predicted I was wide awake. It felt like I was in a sauna, but Sam was fast asleep, even laying under a blanket, so I decided I’d just get up for the day and NOT risk her waking up because she was cold again. I didn’t want to make a lot of noise, so I just went down to the lobby with the laptop. It was still dark outside and it almost felt like it was midnight instead of four in the morning.

The girl working that night was down there setting things up in the breakfast area. I must have scared her because when she turned around she jumped. She probably wasn’t used to people being up this early.

“Hi there,” she smiled. I waved. Her nametag read Amanda.

“How’s it going, Amanda?”

“Pretty good and yourself?” she asked me. I wondered what kind of person would work in a hotel overnight. It had to be boring.

“I’m doing pretty good.” I told her. I sat at one of the tables in the breakfast area and watched her. At least someone was awake to have a conversation with.

“You’re up early.” She commented. I nodded.

“Yeah I can’t sleep anymore. It’s too hot in the room.”

“Oh, can I fix it for you?” she stopped putting food up and turned around. I shook my head.

“No, it’s just my wife. She’s pregnant so she’s always cold now.”

“You look really young to be married.” She commented. I shrugged.

“I’m almost 24. Been married just over four years now.”

“That’s awesome. I’m getting married in two weeks. My fiancé doesn’t have much of an interest in the planning of it.” I laughed. It was the opposite with me and Sam.

“Sam was the one who just wanted to go to the courthouse. She never likes making a big deal out of things. But I’ll tell you, watching her walk towards me was amazing. Best moment of my life so far.” Amanda sat down across from me.

“So you did all the planning?”

“Yup.”

_*Flashback*_

_“Big day, Freddie.” Spencer, Brad and I were standing around in the hotel room. Sam and Carly were in a different hotel._

_“Yup.” I nodded._

_“Nervous?”_

_“Nope.” There was a knock on the door and Brad opened it for my mom. She came sauntering towards me and put her hands on my shoulders._

_“You don’t have to do this, Freddie. We can find you anoth—“_

_“Mom, we’ve been through this. She’s my world. She’s all I want. Stop trying to cancel the wedding. Just be supportive of my choices.” I moved her hands off my shoulders. I know I had hurt her feelings, but she had spent the entire year before the wedding trying to get me to change my mind. She sighed._

_“Well, we better get to the church then. One of you has to be on time,” she turned and I rolled my eyes. We followed her out of the hotel room._

_The car ride was silent. Nobody knew what to say. The closer we got to the church the more nervous I got. I hadn’t been nervous when I was just standing around talking about it, but knowing that in less than an hour I would be married made the butterflies in my stomach go wild. My mom was looking out the window in anger, Spencer was pulling on the sleeves of her tux and Brad was just staring straight ahead. I was excited. Everything I had done for the last year had lead up to this day._

_The church looked different today than it had any other time we had gone there. When I walked in those doors I would be Freddie Benson, engaged to the most amazing woman in the world, but when I walked out I would be Freddie Benson, husband. Married._

_“I’ll see you later, man.” Spencer grasped my shoulder tightly and hurried down the hall towards where Sam and Carly were getting ready. My mom went into the bathroom to try to hide the tears that were streaming down her face. I wished she would just be happy for me. Brad and I were just standing around with Gibby, who I had made an usher._

_“You sure you’re ready to get married, man?” Brad asked me. I nodded._

_“I love her, dude.”_

_“Well, if you have second thoughts just cough or something. I’ll do something to distract Sam and everyone so you can run.” Brad said. I laughed._

_“Nah, man. I’m ready for this.”_

_“Good, because the wedding’s about to start,” I turned and saw Ariel, the girl that had set up our marriage counseling stuff and basically talked us through the wedding, and Carly. The preacher was already standing at the front, “Freddie, where’s your mother?”_

_“I’m right here,” my mom came out of the bathroom sniffling. She gave me a desperate look before she walked up to me and stood there._

_“Please don’t ruin your life like this, Freddie. You can still back out.”_

_“Mom, this is my WEDDING DAY! Please stop trying to ruin it. I want to do this. I’m 19 years old I’m capable of making a choice like this.” I held my arm out for her to hook her arm through, just like Ariel had told us to do._

_“This isn’t a good choice, Freddie.”_

_“Maybe it wasn’t a good choice to involve you. Why can’t you just let me be happy?”_

_“Because, you are way too good of a young man to marry a girl like Samantha Puckett.”_

_“Well, guess what? I’m marrying her. Bottom line, there’s nothing you can say that’s going to change my mind.” She gave an exasperated sigh and put her arm through mine._

_“Okay, Carly and Brad. You’re going to wait until Freddie’s up there, the music is going to change then you’ll walk up there.” Ariel had turned her attention away from us for a second to talk to Carly and Brad. My mom, still fuming over the fact that I wouldn’t run, didn’t have anything else to say to me. The music started playing and Ariel turned back to us._

_“Alright, that’s your cue.” She smiled. I took a deep breath. It felt like the stretch from the door to the front of the church was miles long. When we got to the front my mom gave me one desperate plea. I shook my head and she half stomped away to her seat. I took another deep breath and watched Carly and Brad walk down. It felt surreal, knowing I was standing up here. Knowing Sam was somewhere outside those doors. Knowing this was the first day of the rest of our lives. I was anxious just wondering if she was thinking exactly what I was thinking. Was she just as nervous as I was? Was she just as excited? The music changed and everything around me faded into the background. All I could focus on was those double doors that Sam would soon appear in._

_She looked like an angel._

_I had never imagined Sam could look any better than she already did to me, but Carly really did one over on her. She looked like a completely different person. She made Spencer look like a bum we had picked up off the street. As soon as she started walking towards me it was like the whole room lit up. We were surrounded by people, but it felt like we were alone. Just the two of us. Our eyes made contact and I saw a small smile form on her face. She had never liked anybody just staring at her, but she was too beautiful not to stare at. Her eyes fell back to the floor she was walking on. I wasn’t sure if it was because if she looked away she thought I would stop watching her or if she was trying not to trip, but I didn’t care. The whole world just stopped turning when she stopped in front of me._

_“Who gives this woman to be married to this man?” the preacher asked. Sam and Spencer looked at each other._

_“I do.” Spencer spoke up and smiled. Sam smiled back and mouthed the words ‘thank you.’ Since Spencer had always been the male adult figure in our lives, he was the one to walk her down to me. To give her away. It was the only way we would have it. Spencer hugged her and she laughed nervously, then Spencer sat down. Sam turned to me._

_“You look amazing.” I told her. She shook her head, rolling her eyes with a smile on her face. She was still the same Sam. Couldn’t take a compliment._

_The whole thing was a blur. All I could focus on was Sam and the fact that when we left this church we’d be married. She’d legally be mine forever. Nobody else would ever have a chance to know how amazing she was._

_“Okay Freddie, please repeat after me. I, Freddie,”_

_“I, Freddie,”_

_“Take you, Sam,”_

_“Take you, Sam,”_

_“To be my wife,”_

_“To be my wife,”_

_“My constant friend,”_

_“My constant friend,”_

_“My faithful partner,”_

_“My faithful partner,”_

_“and my love from this day forward.”_

_“and my love from this day forward.” Sam looked down at the floor again. This is why she wanted to go to the courthouse, so she didn’t have to stand in front of a bunch of people and talk about her feelings, or something relatively close to her feelings._

_“In the presence of God, our family and our friends,”_

_“In the presence of God, our family and our friends,”_

_“I offer you my solemn vow,”_

_“I offer you my solemn vow,”_

_“To be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow,”_

_“To be your faithful partner in sickness and in health,” the line amused me because of the whole stint in Troubled Waters all those years ago, “in good times and in bad,” like when she’s angry and flipping a lid, “and in joy as well as in sorrow.”_

_“I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you,”_

_“I promise,” Sam, being the only person in the entire church who couldn’t get through the vows, tried to stifle her laughter. Her failed attempt made me start to laugh and then Carly joined in._

_“Sorry,” she looked away from everyone for a minute before taking a deep breath and looking back at me._

_“I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you,”_

_“To laugh with you, to cry with you and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.” It was ironic that Sam had just started laughing fifteen seconds before this._

_“To laugh with you,” Sam bit her lip to avoid laughing again, “to cry with you and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.” I ignored the laughter that threatened to come out all because of Sam. She was more nervous than she would let on. I shook my head at her._

_“Okay, Sam, please repeat after me,” Sam took another deep breath and made a secret promise not to laugh through her vows. I knew it was a promise that would be broken before she even got through the first line._

_“I, Sam,”_

_“I, Sam,”_

_“Take you, Freddie,”_

_“Take you, Freddie,” her voice cracked at the end. There wasn’t a single thing she could do that would upset me today, even if she laughed through every word of her vows._

_“To be my husband,” she bit her lip again and looked back at the floor for a second before she looked back up._

_“To be my husband,”_

_“My constant friend,” her face turned serious with the hint of a smile._

_“My constant friend,”_

_“My faithful partner,”_

_“My faithful partner,”_

_“And my love from this day forward,” her smile grew,_

_“And my one true and only love from this day forward,” Sam would change the words. I shook my head at her again._

_“In the presence of God, our family and our friends,”_

_“In the presence of God, our family and our friends,”_

_“I offer you my solemn vow,”_

_“I offer you my solemn vow,”_

_“To be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow,”_

_“To be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow,” her eyes were beautiful. It was like staring into her soul._

_“I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you,”_

_“I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you,” she took another deep breath. Sam was too witty for these vows. She probably had some sort of crazy comeback for every single one._

_“To laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you as long as we both shall live,”_

_“To laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you as long as we both shall live,”_

_“Nice, princess.” I whispered. She exhaled with a half laugh._

_“By the power bestowed in me and the state of Washington, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.” Sam smiled and I glanced at my mom. For some reason I really just wanted to piss her off. I put my hand on Sam’s face and kissed her for a long time. I wanted her to remember this kiss, especially since we were now officially and legally married. She laughed in my mouth._

_“Okay, Benson. They get it.” She mumbled. I laughed as she backed away and I took her hand again. We faced the church._

_“It is my great honor to present to you Mr. and Mrs. Freddie and Samantha Benson.” I saw my mom practically run out of the church and it made me feel smug. Sam looked over at me again and smiled._

_“I love you,” she mouthed. I nodded._

_“I love you, too.”_

_*End flashback*_

I hadn’t realized just how long I was sitting there talking to Amanda until people started coming down for breakfast.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to distract you.” I said. She laughed.

“No, you really didn’t distract me. Besides, it was nice to talk to someone. It gets really boring working third shift. Nobody calls, nobody comes in. I don’t have any sort of contact with people until usually 5:00 or 6:00.

“Well, it was nice talking to you, Amanda. I hope everything goes just as great with your wedding as it did with mine. Speaking of, I should go back. Sam’s probably awake by now and wondering where the hell I went.”

“Well, you have a great day.”

“I will, thanks, and you too.”

Sam was still asleep when I walked back into the room. Her morning sickness faded just as quickly as it came and it was nice for her to be able to rest. She opened her eyes when she heard the door shut and sat up.

“Where did you go?” she rubbed her eyes.

“Just went to hang out in the lobby for a bit so I wouldn’t wake you up. Don’t worry, angel. I always come back. Just go back to sleep.”

“Come lay with me and I will,” she mumbled. It didn’t matter if I did or didn’t, she’d fall asleep soon anyway. But I wanted to, something about being near her, feeling her pulse in her neck when my arm was around her, listening to her breathe. It was all I needed in life. Even if it was already 100 degrees in the room I would let her lay on me as long as she wanted to.

“I love you, Sam.” Tonight the words felt like much more than something I told her every day. It was like I was telling her for the first time all over again.

“I love you, too.” She mumbled and then she fell asleep.

I stayed up the rest of the night just to watch her sleep.


	30. Chapter 30

“Sam, where did you put the packing tape?” Sam was in the kitchen and I was in the bathroom. We were officially moving into the new apartment in two days, but we were moving everything in slowly so we could just have the furniture to deal with.

“It’s on the couch.” She yelled back. I got up and walked into the livingroom. Moving was a lot more stressful this time around than it was when we were 18. Of course, back then we didn’t have very much stuff to move in.

“I’m tired,” Sam turned around and sighed. I looked at her.

“Go take a nap then,” I picked up the packing tape from the couch and she walked over to me.

“No, there’s too much to do.” She leaned her head on my chest and I put my arms around her.

“It’s fine. Go to sleep.”

“No, I’ll finish this stuff up so we can bring it to the new apartment. Then we should go shopping or something. We haven’t done anything for the twins.”

“Whatever you say, darlin’” she stared at me with her eyebrows raised.

“Don’t ever say that again,” I laughed.

“What’s wrong, DARLIN’?”

“What the fuck kind of word is that?”

“My kind of word.” She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

“I think we need to make a list of words that are banned, starting with that one.”

“Panties,”

“Ugh! Oh my God!” she covered her ears and I laughed again. Then she hit me.

“You’re so dumb!”

“But you love me.”

“Psht, whatever.” She walked back into the kitchen and I went back into the bathroom.

“By the way, Fredweird, you should really be careful where your eyes are going. People might get the wrong impression.” I chuckled, shaking my head.

“I knew what I was doing,”

“Another thing that should be banned…eye fuc—“

“Sam!”

“Watch it, Benson!”

“I was but you got mad.” I laughed. She appeared in the bathroom doorway.

“You’re awfully sarcastic for a nub.” She folded her arms and leaned against the door frame. I was kneeling on the floor and she hovered above me.

“You do realize you are like in the perfect spot, right?”

“Shut up,” she laughed and then sat next to me.

“It’s not my fault, maybe you should just be less sexy,” I winked at her.

“Okay, I’m leaving.” She stood up again.

“You do that.” I laughed. She rolled her eyes and walked out.

X

Spencer had just shown up to the apartment. He brought a moving truck and he and Carly were helping carry boxes downstairs. Sam was standing in Cassie’s room. I didn’t know whether to go to her or just leave her be. She had no desire to take her room apart. She refused to even let me in there to touch anything.

“Sam?” I slowly walked up to her. She didn’t move, didn’t say anything, just stood there.

“I can’t do this,” she mumbled. I heard her take a shaky breath, but I had nothing to say. There was nothing I could say that would help her.

“Sam…”

“Please don’t tell me it will get better. Don’t tell me it’s okay because it’s not. It’s just not.”

“It is, though.” I put my hands on her waist.

“No, it isn’t. Shit. What the hell am I doing?” she whispered to herself.

“Baby, it won’t be as bad as you think. Believe me, we’ll be okay.” She spun around.

“No, Freddie. I’m not. I thought I was but I’m not. I can’t leave this place. I can’t.”

“Sam, we already signed the lease for the new place and told the landlord we’re moving out. He’s about to show this apartment to other people.”

“Well just rip up the lease, tell him we lied. Tell him we changed our minds.” I looked at her sadly. She already knew there was no way we could stay here. It was a bad idea to let her in this room.

“Baby…”

“Freddie, I honestly don’t know. I need her so bad. There’s so much I want to do with her. I just want to hold her in my arms all over again. I want to sit right over there,” she pointed to the rocking chair, “and hold her all day and all night and just watch her sleep. I can’t stand it.” She didn’t bother trying to hold her sadness in.

“I know,” I whispered. I did know. It was always a battle inside of me, wondering if I was doing the right thing for me and Sam and the unborn twins. And Cassie. She deserved better than this. She deserved to be able to shine her light around the world without having to worry about us, “but you know what, Sam? In 29 weeks or less we’re going to have two babies, and they need us. We can always hurt over Cassie, but we need to remember that we have two more coming and they’re just as important as her.”

“I know but it’s so much harder to get attached to them then it was to get attached to Cassie because—“

“Because you feel like you’re trying to use them to take Cassie’s place. But you aren’t.”

“Freddie?”

“Yes angel?”

“How do you do this?”

“Do what?”

“Just think of the bigger picture, the twins, us, everything instead of just Cassie.”

“Easy. I’ve been with you for how many years.”

“I’m being serious!” she whined. I nodded.

“So am I. Ever since we started dating I’ve had to be the rational one and think of everything and not just the here and now. Everyone knows you make quick decisions. Someone had to balance you out. Now, why don’t you go help Carly and Spencer? We’ll worry about Cassie’s room tomorrow.”

“Do we seriously have to move?” I nodded.

“Yes. Come on. We’ll be fine. Cassie isn’t in this room, she’s in our hearts.”

“I know.”

“Come on, Sam. Let’s go help them out. Then we can go shopping for the twins.” I wiped the tears off her face and she sighed.

“Okay,”

X

“Babe?”

“What?” we were standing in the middle of the baby section of the store. It was strange to be standing here again. Sam was digging through the clothes racks.

“So if you could have two girls, two boys or one of each which would you want?” I laughed.

“As long as they’re healthy I don’t care.”

“You always say that. Give me a real answer.”

“It would be nice to have two girls, but I don’t care. Babies are babies.”

“Do you want to find out what they are?” she asked me. She picked up an outfit and held it up.

“No. I think we should wait until they’re born.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.” She set the outfit back on the rack and wrapped her arms around me, resting her chin on my chest and looking up at me.

“What?” I smiled. She shook her head.

“Nothing. Just want to look at you.”

“You’re strange.” I told her with a laugh. She smiled.

“Nooooo….”

“Yeeeeeeessssss….”

“Tell me that you love me,” she said. I laughed.

“Or what?”

“Please?” she pouted. I sighed.

“I love you,” I kissed her forehead.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Now let’s go home,” she laughed.

“Let’s not go home. We already drove all the way home.”

“Then…let’s sneak into the bathroom.”

“How about we just shop.” I suggested. She groaned.

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to be pregnant and horny in the middle of a store?” I laughed. This would be fun.

“No angel, I’m a man. I don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant.”

“Then stop arguing with me.” She whined. I shook my head then kissed her. She groaned again.

“Come on! That’s not fair! You’re so mean to me,” she whined. I kissed her cheek.

“Nah, if I wanted to be mean to you I could.” She rested her chin on my chest again.

“I love you,” she mumbled and smiled.

“Mmmhmmm, “ I smirked and ran my finger down her spine.

“Freddie! Don’t do that!” she giggled as she squirmed away.

“Why not?” I kissed her cheek again.

“You know why,”

“No, I don’t think I do.” I laughed as I continued. She squirmed away from me again.

“Quit!”

“That’s no fun.”

“You’re about to find out just how little fun I can be,” she growled. I kissed her.

“Fine, I’m sorry.”

“Prove it,” she winked at me.

“When we get home.” I told her. She sighed.

“Fine. Let’s go home.”

“When we’re done,” I said. She tilted her head down and put her forehead on my chest, “are you feeling lonely today or something?” I laughed. She shook her head.

“No, you just smell good.”

“Glad to hear that.” I chuckled. She wasn’t herself today, but it was actually amusing. And cute. I kissed the top of her head and then looked up.

I was surprised and mad to see Brad standing five feet away from us.


	31. Chapter 31

Brad was supposed to be in prison, but he was standing just five feet away from us. How was this possible. I took Sam’s hand.

“Come on, let’s go home.” I said. She looked at me.

“Why?” she looked behind herself.

“What the fuck?” she turned back to me.

“Just, come on.” We started to walk away, hoping Brad wouldn’t notice us. This was insane. Nobody had said anything to us about him getting out.

“Sam!” I rolled my eyes when I heard his voice. His voice pissed me off, especially when he said her name like nothing had happened.

“Babe, you’re hurting my hand.” Sam whispered. I hadn’t even realized I was clenching my fist or Sam’s hand.

“Just keep walking. Ignore him.”

“Freddie, he’s not going to leave us alone.”

“He will if he gets anywhere near me.”

“I love you,” she was watching me and I looked at her.

“I love you, too, angel face. More than anything.”

“Sam!” Brad was walking over to us and my blood started boiling again.

“Just let me talk to him, tell him to leave us alone,” Sam whispered. I shook my head.

“No, we’re leaving.” I started pulling her to the door and she suddenly stopped. I turned around and saw Brad’s hand on her shoulder. I pushed him.

“Don’t touch her.” I growled. He smirked.

“Nice to see you too, Benson.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Well, they didn’t have enough to hold me on. Just Sam’s word, which isn’t enough. So they released me,” he looked at Sam, “I missed you.” He reached his hand out to her and I pushed him again. He was looking to get hit.

“Hey! What did I just say?” Brad tensed up and I knew where this was going.

“You act pretty tough for a little dude.” He threatened and stepped towards me.

“Back off, Brad.”

“Or what?” I could feel the anger rising in me. For a minute it was like Sam and I had switched bodies. Sam stepped forward.

“Why can’t you leave us alone? We don’t like you.” Brad looked Sam up and down.

“Put some weight on you, haven’t you?” Sam put her hand over my mouth as I was about to say something.

“Yup, I have. So just back off. Unless you want your ass kicked by a girl again.” She threatened and then pushed him.

“Unless you’re pregnant again,” he snickered. Sam shook her head.

“Nope. Just haven’t lost my baby weight.”

“After 9 months you haven’t lost it? I’m surprised. Oh well, you always did look better with a little meat on you.” He smirked. I shook my head, my eyes glued only on him, waiting for him to make the wrong move. I wanted to hit him, “Sammy,” he put his hand on her face and she pushed it away.

“Don’t call me that.” She growled.

“I love you, Sam.” He stepped closer to her and I pushed him back again and stepped between him and Sam.

“You don’t love her. You will never love her, you will never have her. She will never be yours. So get lost.”

“If she’d give me one chance to show her what she means to me—“ I was living in Sam’s world, the world where anger controlled you and made you act in a way no sane person would act. And I loved Sam’s world. In Sam’s world I could beat the hell out of Brad and not regret it later. Not think about what I was doing and not care who I hurt. That was a good world to be in. But Sam’s world was an in and out thing and before I knew it I was back to reality, staring down at Brad on the floor, wondering what the hell just happened. Sam was pulling on my arm.

“Let’s go!” she sounded weird, almost worried. I slammed him into the floor one more time before I stood up and walked out with Sam following.

“I can’t believe you hit him!” she laughed.

“Yeah, well.” I was still mad. I didn’t want to fight with her, so I just got in the car and started it.

“Freddie?” she was quiet, picking up on the annoyance I was feeling.

“What?” I didn’t mean to snap on her. It wasn’t her fault Brad was an asshole.

“I love you,” she put her hand on mine on the center counsel. I sighed and glanced at her.

“I love you, too, Sam Benson.”

X

Sam barely made it in the door before she started kissing me.

“Sam, we have to pack.”

“No, we don’t have to pack. We’re almost done packing.”

“Sam—“

“You only have yourself to blame, Fredward.” She cut me off.

“How’s that?” I smirked, running my finger down her spine again. I loved doing that to her. I would have to remember that the next time we were fighting and I wanted her to shut up. She started kissing me again and I chuckled, pushing her away gently. She wasn’t having it.

“You can either have sex with me or I can rape you. Your choice.” She was inches from my face.

“That’s hardly appropriate, Samantha.” I laughed.

“You’re not appropriate,” she mumbled into my mouth.

“Getting a little aggressive are we?”

“Mmhmm.” She took her shirt off and pressed her body against mine. The door opened.

“Ew! OH MY GOD!” Sam groaned.

“Get out, Carly!”

“Look, we have to talk.” She closed the door and Sam stared at her.

“Did you hear me?” Sam asked. Carly looked at her and then away.

“Yes I heard you and for goodness sake will you put a shirt on?”

“Why the HELL do you ALWAYS show up? Do you have some kind of ‘Sam and Freddie are about to have sex’ detector that beeps telling you to rush into our apartment?”

“Brad’s out of prison.” The concern on her face made me laugh. She was way behind, and since she was a news anchor now it made it funny.

“Wow…” that’s all Sam could muster. I’m sure she had a ton of witty remarks in her head, but they were all jumbled together.

“Yeah we already knew that, but thanks for the heads up. Now get out.” Sam threw the door open and grabbed Carly’s arm. Carly pulled it away again.

“Look, we have to get you out of here soon. He’s going to come looking for you. He’s already telling all his friends he’ll find you and he’ll have you if it’s the last thing he does.”

“I don’t think that’s going to be happening Carly,” she turned back to me, “and clearly this isn’t going to be happening either.” She picked her shirt up from the floor and put it back on. I kissed her cheek.

“Carly can’t stay forever,” I whispered in her ear. She smiled.

“Yes I can!” Carly said, “and aren’t you two even the slightest bit worried about this?”

“No, we are not even the slightest bit worried about this,” Sam mocked Carly, “Freddie already kicked his ass.”

“What?!” Carly looked from me and Sam a few hundred times and we shrugged.

“Look, do you have a good reason to interrupt me trying to have sex with my husband before I get huge because there are TWO babies in my stomach OTHER than to tell us what we already know? You know, it’s like 10:00 at night. GO. HOME.”

“Look, guys. I’m going to stay here—“ Sam groaned and Carly gave her a look before continuing, “to make sure he isn’t coming here. Freddie works, Sam.”

“And so do you, idiot. You both work at the same place!”

“Don’t call me an idiot, I know what I’m doing.”

“I don’t WANT you to stay here.” Sam complained. It didn’t make a bit of difference to me, but there wasn’t a think Sam hated more than being interrupted when she was in the middle of something. It didn’t matter what it was, it pissed her off.

“How many times did I let you crash at my house when we were in high school, Sam? I just want to make sure nothing is going to happen. It’s only for two days, and Spencer will be here when Freddie and I are at the studio. You need to protect yourself, Sam. Brad’s crazy. He’s not the same person we went to high school with and you’re pregnant again. It’s already a high risk pregnancy, you heard what Janet said, there’s no reason for you to stress yourself out even more if Brad shows up here. So just don’t argue and let me stay here until you guys officially move to your new apartment. And don’t tell anybody else where you’re moving to unless they’ve been approved by me and Spencer because anybody could go off and tell Brad where you’re moving to.” Sam rolled her eyes and right before she was about to say something I put my hand over her mouth, just like she had done to me at the store.

“Fine, but only until we move. Having you around all the time will stress Sam out eventually. We’re going to bed.” I said. Sam moved my hand.

“Yeah and DON’T even THINK about walking into our bedroom unannounced, Carly, because I’m not stopping for you again.” She laughed. Carly looked disgusted.

“That’s gross, Sam.”

“Keep you out of our bedroom won’t it? Nighty night.”

X *jumping ahead*

Spencer and Gibby were moving the rest of the furniture from the livingroom downstairs to the moving truck. Carly was packing away all the little things we had kept out until the last minute and Sam and I were standing in Cassie’s now empty room. I had my arms around her and she was crying. Nothing had done her in like watching everything being taken out. The room seemed bigger now.

“Sammy…” I sighed. There was a song I had just heard yesterday that made sense in this moment, something that might make her feel better, “I know that you’re afraid and I am too, but you’ll never be alone I promise you. When you’re weak, I’ll be strong. When you let go, I’ll hold on. When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes. When you feel lost and scared to death, like you can’t take one more step, just take my hand, together we can do it. I’m gonna love you through it. And when this road gets too long I’ll be the rock you lean on.”

“Stop singing, you’re not helping.”

“Come on, angel, I don’t know what to do.”

“I can’t believe it’s all just gone.”

“It’s not gone, baby, it’s down in the moving truck. And if you want to we can put that stuff up in the spare bedroom at the new apartment. We can do whatever you want to do with that room.”

“It’s not the same. It’s so hard to leave this all behind. We put so much into this place. This was ours. It felt like ours.”

“The new apartment is ours too, sweetheart, and we’re going to put a lot into the new apartment too. It will feel like ours. Please, angel. Don’t cry over this. This isn’t what Cassie would want us to be doing. We may not have known her very long, but we both know she was smart and clever, just like her mother. Wherever she is, Sam, she’s happy and she’s healthy and she’s taken care of. She knows you love her, she knows you miss her. Please don’t let this eat you alive.”

“But this was HER room. We built this room for her, put everything together and decorated it and painted it just for her. It’s not the same anywhere else.”

“It’s not about that, though. The circumstance is different, but it would still be built for her. Now come on, they’re waiting for us.” I wiped the tears off her face and kissed her.

“Freddie?”

“Yes?”

“Do you really think we can make it everything this place is?”

“Yes. It will be different because we’re older now and it’s not our first place, but it’s still ours. It’s a new start for us and our family. And no matter where we are the love is the same. I don’t love you any less or Cassie or the twins any less than I do here. It’s just a change of environment.” She sighed.

“Well, we better go, then.” She looked around the room one more time before we walked out, leaving the last six years of our lives behind us.


	32. Chapter 32

Everything looked different.

Even though all the furniture was the same, all the dishes, all the bathroom stuff, everything. It all felt like it was brand new. Sam kept looking towards the door; she would step towards it and then back. Letting go was hard for her, but I was sure by the time we got everything decorated she wouldn’t regret it.

“Well…” I sighed. She looked at me.

“Well…” she repeated.

“Want to start unpacking?”

“No.”

“Really?”

“Really. I want to talk about baby names.”

“You’re only 11 weeks pregnant.”

“Yeah and I feel like I’m 100 weeks pregnant.”

“Is that even possible?” I joked. Sam glared at me.

“Sorry. Okay, fine. Let’s talk.”

“Well, first. Can we put Cassie’s stuff up in the spare room?” she looked at me, almost begging, even though she knows I wouldn’t say no to her.

“Sure. You wanna grab that box?” I pointed to the only box marked “Cassie.” Sam nodded and walked across the room. I grabbed the rocking chair and she followed me into the spare room.

“Where do you want this?” I asked her. She set the box down and pointed to the corner.

“Exactly where it was at the old apartment.”

“Sounds good to me,” I moved it to the corner as she opened the box. I heard her sigh and I turned around.

“You okay?”

“Yup.” She started pulling stuff out and laying it on the floor. I sat next to her.

“What brought this on?” I asked her. She shrugged.

“You can’t laugh.”

“Why would I laugh?”

“Well, I don’t know. I feel like if we set her room up like it was at the old apartment and we sit in here she’ll send us the perfect names for her brothers or sisters or brother and sister or whatever.” I smiled. I never thought Sam was superstitious.

“Okay.” I stood up and started putting Cassie’s toys on the shelf in the closet just like they had been placed in the old apartment.

X

The room, besides the white walls, looked exactly like Cassie’s old room. It was like we had just painted the walls back. Sam sat in the corner in the rocking chair with a book of baby names. Funny how with Cassie she had thought it was stupid, but now she relied on it. I was standing next to her with my hand on the back of the chair.

“What about Thomas?” she asked me.

“Too simple.”

“Okay, so what if we named one of them Romeo if it were a boy?” she laughed. I shook my head.

“You’re weird.”

“Okay, well how about you go write a list of boy names and I’ll write a list of girl names and we can meet up in like ten minutes and pick which ones we like.”

“Sounds good to me, but I’m taking the baby book.” I took it from her hands and she laughed.

“You would need the baby book. Get me a notebook.”

“Okay,” I kissed her, “I love you, Samantha Benson.”

“I love you, too, Freddio.” I walked out of the room and grabbed a notebook from the laptop case in the kitchen. Of all the times Sam wanted to talk about baby names she had to pick right now. I brought the notebook and a pen back to her.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” I left the room again and sat in the livingroom. It really did look weird, especially since I had become accustomed to the colors of our apartment. This place was too white. That would change soon.

I opened the baby book and flipped through it before realizing I didn’t really need it. If I just stopped thinking about it it would come to me.

There were only two names I wrote down and they were the only two names we needed.

X

“Carter and Liam?”

“Yes.”

“Wow, I’m impressed.” Sam said. I kissed her cheek.

“Good. Now what did you come up with?”

“Lily and Miah.”

“We make some cute babies.” I told her. She laughed.

“Yes, we do make cute babies. If I wasn’t pregnant I’d say let’s make some, but since I am pregnant I’ll just say we need to break this apartment in.” I chuckled.

“We do?”

“Yes, we do.” She kissed me. I would miss this part after the twins were born. Shit, I’d miss this part when she hit 16 weeks and decided she didn’t want to have sex anymore. It felt weird that only three months ago she didn’t want anything to do with sex.

“Wait,” I stopped her and she groaned.

“You’re gonna end up in the hospital if you keep telling me to stop.”

“Would you like Carly or Spencer or anybody else to just walk in here?”

“Good idea,” she moved and I got up to lock the door. She followed me and when I turned around I pulled her close to me.

“You’re so beautiful,” I told her. She rolled her eyes.

“Look, I already want to have sex with you. You don’t have to sweet talk, Benson.”

“It’s not sweet talk, I just state what I see.”

“Well you’re supposed to kiss with your eyes closed so how about you stop seeing things and be quiet and we can go have some fun.” I laughed again.

“Whatever you say, baby.”

“Yes, it is whatever I say.”

X

_Mom calling_

She had called me every single day for the last week. She had probably heard about the twins by now. I didn’t know whether to answer the phone or just never talk to her again. I took a deep breath and pressed talk.

“What do you want, mom?”

“Freddie, I’m very sorry for what I said to Sam. We can still go to Calif—“

“We aren’t going to California. This is ridiculous. I don’t want to talk to you, not after what you said to my wife. You know, it didn’t just hurt her. Cassie was my little girl, mom, and for you to even consider Sam being the reason she’s gone is just stupid.” I heard her sigh.

“I know she isn’t the reason. I know there is no reason it happened. I was just mad. It’s so hard to get along with her, especially after all the trouble she’s caused.”

“What trouble?”

“You know what trouble, Freddie. The mental hospital, the drunk tattoo, everything.”

“So what?”

“Will you please just come over here with Sam so we can all talk?”

“Sam’s NEVER going to go there again and neither am I. You haven’t even said anything useful. You don’t even really apologize, you just say what you think people want to hear. You don’t have any idea what it’s like to lose a child, mom. You don’t have a clue what it’s like to listen to your own mother blame your wife for your child’s death. There’s nothing you can say that is going to make it better.”

“Freddie, I am sorry. I am. You just won’t let me grow up. I’m an adult, I have a child, I’m going to be having two more children. I moved out of the old apartment. I don’t need you anymore. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. Didn’t you hear it the first time?”

“What do you mean you’re having two more?”

“Oh, don’t act like you didn’t know.”

“Freddie, you and Sam can’t do this alone. At least let me talk to her.”

“She’s busy and she doesn’t want to talk to you.”

“Freddie, please let me talk to her.”

“No.”

“Fredward Benson, you let me talk to her right now.”

“That doesn’t work on me anymore, I’m almost 24 years old.”

“Who are you talking to?” Sam had come out of the bathroom where she was setting stuff up.

“My mom.”

“Give me the phone.”

“Sam—“

“Now, Freddie.” She took the phone out of my hand.

“What do you want? Haven’t said enough shit?” I rolled my eyes. I didn’t want the drama in this apartment.

“Well—yeah you’re right.” I reached for my phone and she turned and walked away.

“Fine, I’ll text you the address.” She hung up the phone and I just stared at her.

“What the hell was that?”

“Freddie, she’s right. I don’t like her any more than I did before, but we need her help. She knows about kids. We don’t know anybody else that knows what it’s like to raise kids. Plus we’re having two, not just one, and you work.”

“Sam, did you forget everything that happened?”

“No, but Janet said not to stress myself out so I’m not going to. I want everything to go right with this pregnancy. I’m even taking those stupid vitamins. Besides, I know it’s not my fault that Cassie died, even if I relapse into denial once in a while. So, we better start making something nice for dinner because she’s coming over.”

“Sam—“

“Freddie, don’t argue with me. I’m not in the mood.” She walked back into the bathroom leaving me wondering what happened to my wife.


	33. Chapter 33

“I can’t believe how…mature…you’re being.” I said slowly. Sam turned around.

“That’s a dirty word.” She growled. I laughed. We were in the kitchen since Sam had insisted on inviting my mother over.

“Oh relax, beautiful,” I was making lasagna and Sam was washing all the dishes before we put them away. I was surprised, she had actually volunteered to do that part. Maybe mommy fever had made her grow up, though she still couldn’t cook.

“I’m hungry,” she complained.

“Well you’re the one who decided to invite the demon over here,” I shrugged. She splashed water at me.

“I’m the demon. Don’t even compare me to her,” she said. I shook my head and watched her. It was like time stood still, “don’t even think it, Fredward.” She dropped the rag in the sink and half turned towards the livingroom. I walked towards her.

“I’m pregnant,” she laughed. As if that would stop me.

“Mmhmm,” I mumbled.

“Freddie,” she warned, grabbing the sprayer.

“Oh just relax, I just want to hug you.”

“You’re a terrible liar,” she turned the water on and held the sprayer in front of her, “back off, Benson.” I pushed the sprayer away and kissed her, then picked her up over my shoulder. It’s usually how it went. If she splashed me, I stuck her in the shower and turned the water on.

“Freddie! This isn’t cool! The food is gonna burn!”

“We have a good 20 minutes before that happens.”

“Come on! I love you!”

“I love you, too.” There was a knock on the door.

“Put me down so you can answer the door,”

“Nah, I think I’ll answer the door just like this. Can’t be anyone important,”

“Could be your mother.”

“Again I say it can’t be anyone important.”

“Just put me down before I bite you,”

“Oh baby.”

“Fredward.” She was getting mad now so I put her down then walked to the door. I opened it and walked away. I didn’t get this. I was still angry, and I wasn’t sure which part I was angry about. To me, I guess it felt like when she blamed Sam she blamed me. We both had part in Cassie’s life before birth.

“Hello Freddie,” she was trying to be nice but I had no interest.

“Hey,” I took my phone out of my pocket for no reason, just to have something to do other than talk to her. Sam hit my arm and I looked at her.

“What?”

“Stop it, you’re supposed to be the grown up in this marriage.” I rolled my eyes.

“Freddie, I’d like to talk to you.”

“That’s nice. I’m busy ignoring you.”

“Fredward, she was my granddaughter! I know that you’re angry, but you aren’t just angry with me.”

“No I am just angry with you. You have NO IDEA what it was like! You weren’t there every single day! You didn’t go to the doctor’s appointments, you didn’t see her on the monitor, you didn’t hear her heartbeat! You didn’t paint her room or decorate it or put together her crib or do any of that! You weren’t there! You weren’t there when they put that thing on Sam’s stomach and it was silent! You weren’t there when we heard the words nobody should ever have to hear in their whole lives. You weren’t there! Just because I had a child doesn’t mean that automatically she means the world to YOU. She was MY baby. Mine and Sam’s. And we did EVERYTHING for her. The whole world was hers before she was even born and we don’t get her. So yeah, I am only mad at you for even thinking of saying something so stupid. Sam and I are a team. When you tell her she killed Cassie you tell me that I killed her and trust me, there wasn’t a damn thing I wouldn’t have given that day to hear her cry. I would have traded my life for hers. I don’t even understand how you think things could be normal again. I don’t. Even when I was most angry with you I would have NEVER said anything that disgusting to you.”

“Freddie—“

“And you know what? Sam never caused trouble. Never. She’s NEVER been a problem. She did things the way that I should have been doing them. So what if she went into a mental hospital? So what if she got a tattoo from a hooker? Who cares? At least she’s acting like she cared about Cassie. And you know what? What the hell have you done for either of us since April 26? All you did is come to the hospital, hold Cassie, and leave. You didn’t even stay long enough to help us. You didn’t talk to either of us for God knows how long. You never cared. You were too busy being pissed off about whatever to even give a shit how we felt about it.”

“Fredward where is this even coming from?”

“There’s something about having your heart ripped out that does this to you. Do you even know what color Cassie’s room was? Do you even know what outfit we had picked out for her to come home in? Do you know any of that? No. That was MY baby girl. MY world. I would have given anything for her. You have no idea the kind of hell Sam and I went through. You have no idea what it was like for me to watch Sam cry and scream and pretend it was all just some sort of nightmare. You don’t know what it was like to watch her go completely insane and not be able to do anything about it. I couldn’t save my daughter and I couldn’t help my wife. And after all was said and done and things were finally getting back to as normal as they could be after everything you turn around in fifteen seconds and say something as stupid as I should leave her for killing Cassie. You can’t take it back. Sam may be able to see something that I don’t. I don’t care. Sam and Cassie and the twins are my life now, and whenever you say something stupid or hurtful to or about them you aren’t just saying it to or about them, you’re saying it to and about me.” For once I felt relaxed. I hadn’t realized just how much of me had been kept hidden after Cassie’s death. Sam put her hand on my arm.

“Freddie, we need to start fresh. We both knew it was a mistake and we both know I didn’t mean to say anything like that. It’s not common for me to say things out of anger. If Sam and I can now get along then there should be no reason we can’t. I want to be there for you and for Sam and for the new babies. I want to be more productive in your lives than I was with Cassie. You are my son and you always will be. I love you very much, and I want you to understand that I don’t blame you or Sam for anything that happened to Cassie and that if you ever need anything you can come to me.” I sighed and the whole room was silent. It was stupid. I knew both Sam and my mom were right. I didn’t know what I was doing, I had never taken care of a child before and babies didn’t come with instruction booklets.

“I love you, too, mom.” I hugged her. No matter how old I was or how mad I was or whatever I would always need my mom. I hated to admit that all the crazy things she had done when I was growing up had made me the person I was. She did everything on her own and it taught me to value every person that walked into my life. She held out some sort of scrapbook.

“I was hoping you would forgive me so I could give this to you.”

“What is it?”

“You can look at it later. I think your food is burning.”

“Shit!” I tossed the book on the couch and walked into the kitchen. Sam laughed. I knew she never intended on having dinner here because the timer was still on 20 minutes and the lasagna was shot.

“Or we could go out somewhere.” I sighed, setting the tray on top of the stove.

“Good idea.” Sam grabbed her coat and put her shoes on. We followed her out the door.


	34. Chapter 34

4:45 in the morning and it was back to going to work. Today was different though. Today I was 24 years old. I shut the alarm off and looked next to me. Sam was gone.

“Sam?” I got out of bed and walked out to the livingroom. It smelled like something was burning so I walked into the kitchen and checked the oven. Nothing. The door opened and Sam walked in.

“Hi. Where did you go?”

“Well, I tried to make you breakfast since it’s your birthday and…well yeah. Happy birthday, baby.” She set some bags on the counter and I hugged her.

“You’re so cute when you can’t cook.”

“Oh hush.”

“I still love you.”

“I love you too. Even if you are old. So basically, tonight we’re going out to that new restaurant by your mom’s place. It’s supposed to be really fancy or something.”

“Okay, baby. I gotta go get ready for work.” I kissed her and she stopped me.

“No, you can eat and then get ready for work.”

“If you say so.”

“I do say so. I didn’t get up early today to do this for you to just ignore my efforts.”

“I’m not, sweetheart.”

“Good, so sit down.”  She started pulling out a bunch of restaurant food.

“So you went to a restaurant and bought food to go to bring it back here to…?”

“Well I was hoping I could cover up the fact that I burned everything I was trying to make you but it took longer than I expected.” I laughed and she sat across from me.

“I thought I said my birthday wasn’t a big deal.” I said. She rolled her eyes.

“Oh please. It’s the one day a year I can go all out and prove I’m not always a horrible wife.”

“You’re never a horrible wife.”

“Okay, Benson. Anyway, so what happens if the twins are like boy/girl twins? Then what are we going to do? Because we have names picked out for two boys or two girls.”

“Well then we pick one of the boy names and one of the girl names.”

“So if it’s two boys we’ll name them Carter and Liam and if it’s two girls we’ll name them Lily and Miah and if there’s one boy and one girl they’ll be….”

“Up to you.”

“Come on! I’m so nervous. Every day I get more nervous. I keep debating whether I want to know what they are in a few weeks or if I want to wait.”

“Well if you want to find out you can. Nobody is stopping you.”

“But you want to wait until their born.”

“Hey, I said YOU can find out. I don’t have to know. I can still wait.”

“Baby, you know I’d tell you or hint it or something.”

“Okay, well we can worry about this later, I gotta get ready for work,” I stood up and kissed her, “thank you. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” She mumbled. I walked into the bathroom to take a shower.

X

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” the way everyone was acting today it was like my birthday was some sort of national holiday. I laughed.

“Thanks. Let’s get to work!” I walked into my office and set everything on my desk. I still wasn’t accustomed to this whole office and boss thing. My phone vibrated and I saw a new picture message from Sam. I chuckled. What was this girl up to?

_Happy Birthday Daddy!_

Followed by a picture of her stomach. I laughed and Jack walked into my office. He looked at me.

“Benson, we ready to run a news show?”

“Yup.” I put my phone on the desk and walked back out to the studio and to the anchor table.

“Alright, so,  camera 1 until—“

“Happy birthday.” Carly interrupted. I stared at her.

“Thank you, but it’s no big deal. Can we just have a normal day at work?”

“Fine.”

“Okay, camera 1 until the story about the new cell phones, turn to camera 2. After the recall story we’ll take a break. Come back on camera 2, switch to camera 1 after the story about top five things to do for Valentine’s Day. Break again after the new car dealership deals. Then we’ll close out after the story about the prison. Got all that?”

“Yes sir,” Michael said. Carly giggled and I shook my head.

“Oh, me and Michael are back together.” She said. I rolled my eyes.

“I really don’t care. Let’s just do our jobs today. Sound like a plan?”

“You’re crabby.”

“Nope.” I walked over to Mark.

“Feel old yet, bro?”

“Nope. I’m only 24. Everyone acts like it’s my last birthday.”

“It’s just because you’re going to be a daddy to twins. Everyone knows when you have more than one kid your life is over.” He laughed. I smiled.

“I don’t mind it.”

“Speaking of kids. Just found out the wife’s pregnant.”

“Really? Congrats! Good luck, pregnant women are crazy. Insanely moody.” We laughed together and I checked the camera. Everything looked good so I walked over to Eliza.

“I’m surprised, you’ve lasted longer than the last two camera people we’ve had. You must have some sort of skill.”

“Yeah,” she flipped her hair, “I got crazy mad skills.” She laughed and I chuckled.

“Well, looks good.” I walked back over to Jack.

“Alright. Mark, cue!”

“Sounds good, boss! Let’s make it count! In 5, 4, 3, 2.”

X *16 weeks*

We were sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office and Sam was nervous. I could tell because she kept tapping her foot.

“Sam, what is there to be nervous about? We’ve done this before.”

“I haven’t felt them start to move yet. Cassie started moving around this time.”

“But Cassie was one baby, these are two babies. They’re going to be smaller than Cassie because they’re crammed in there. Just relax. I’m sure everything is fine.” Now that she had brought it up I was nervous all over again.

“Sam, Freddie? You guys ready?” Sam jumped up and I followed her and Janet back into the all-too-familiar hallway. Sam stepped on the scale.

“Are you excited? You might be able to find out what you’re having today.” Janet said.

“We don’t know if we want to know.” Sam mentioned. I nodded.

“Well whatever makes you happy,” she handed Sam the cup and I laughed. This part always made me laugh because of the look Sam would get on her face. Sam walked away.

“So, did you guys talk about any baby names yet?”

“Yup. She’s been talking about them for the last five weeks. If it’s two boys they’ll be Liam and Carter but if it’s two girls they’ll be Lily and Miah.”

“What if it’s a boy and a girl?”

“That’s the only part we haven’t talked about.” Sam came back with the cup and Janet handed it off. We followed Janet to an empty room. Sam layed back and Janet put the cuff on her arm.

“So are you guys thinking of doing anything special on Cassie’s birthday?” I heard Sam sigh again and I brushed the hair out of her face.

“No. Right now we’re focusing on the twins and we moved so we’re adjusting to that. We haven’t even thought about Cassie’s birthday.” I told her. She dropped the subject right away, knowing it was upsetting Sam. She measured Sam’s stomach.

“Is it normal to not feel the babies move yet?” it was the only thing on Sam’s mind.

“Yes, that’s very normal. The twins aren’t as big as one baby would be. You might not even start to feel them moving until your 20 to 23 weeks and it will be the flutters you felt with Cassie. Don’t stress yourself over it. Twins are different than just one baby. They have about the same amount of room as one baby would have inside your stomach, so they don’t grow as fast as normal babies. Plus, you usually won’t carry to term with twins. Like I told you before, this is a high risk pregnancy because the babies will be smaller, so we have to keep a close eye on both of them. You ready to hear their heartbeats?” Sam smiled and nodded. The only reason we ever came to the doctor was to hear heartbeats and see babies on the monitor. Janet put the Doppler on Sam’s stomach and the room was filled with a bunch of white noise. Sam closed her eyes. I noticed she did that whenever she heard the heartbeat or heartbeats. She was dedicating it to memory.

“Ready to see your babies?” Janet asked. We nodded and I helped Sam off the table. She sighed.

“I want to know what they are.” Sam said. I glanced at her.

“Me too.” We reached the ultrasound room and Amy was waiting for us.

“So Janet says you guys don’t know if you want to know about the twins—“

“No we do. We have to know. We’re too anxious not to.” Sam rambled. I laughed and she layed on the table, pulling her shirt up.

“Well let’s see if they’ll let us see.” Seeing my babies on the screen made me feel like I was being injected with heat. Everything inside of me was warm, and my heart was racing.

“Well, baby A looks like a….boy. She clicked some things on the keyboard and Sam looked at me.

“Oh my God,” she mouthed. I smiled at her.

“I love you,” I mouthed back. She nodded and looked back at the monitor.

“And baby B is…a….girl.” If Sam could have moved she probably would have jumped off the table. Hearing what these babies were was bittersweet. Knowing there was one of each. It felt awkward, like we would think one was Cassie by some strange coincidence.

“So did you guys pick out names?”

“Well, we haven’t really talked about it. But I like Lily Grace and Liam Andrew.” She looked at me and I nodded.

“Clever.”

“I know.” Sam sat up after Amy wiped the gel off her stomach and I once again helped her off the table. Amy handed us pictures of the twins and we walked out.

“I have to text Carly.”

“Let’s just wait. We can keep her in the dark,” I smirked and Sam laughed.

“Baby, can you believe it?”

“Yes.”

“I’m so excited. And tired.”

“Well we can go home and take a nap.”

“Sounds like a plan.”


	35. Chapter 35

I walked into the apartment after work and saw Sam laying on her back on the livingroom floor with all the lights off. I slowly shut the door.

“Babe? What are you doing?” I asked. She groaned.

“Shhh, I have a headache.”

“And you’re laying on the floor because?”

“Because the twins started moving today and it is the most irritating feeling in the world. This is the only comfortable spot in this whole apartment.”

“I thought you loved feeling babies move inside of you.”

“No. I loved feeling Cassie move. Lily and Liam NEVER STOP and there are TWO of them. I’m so tired and I can’t even sleep.” I walked over to her.

“Come on, you can’t lay on the floor. Everyone’s coming over here so we can go shopping.”

“What do you mean everyone is coming over here?”

“Gibby, Carly, Spencer, my mom. Everyone.”

“And we’re all going to go shopping? For what?”

“Well, I made a list if you want to see all the things we need to get for Lily and Liam. But you’ll have to get off the floor. Now come on.” I held my hand out for her and she groaned again.

“Maybe you should try being pregnant for once.”

“Don’t blame this on me miss ‘I want more babies.’” I picked her up from the floor and we sat on the couch.

“Well I don’t have sperm so obviously it wasn’t me making these babies on my own,” She put her hand on her stomach, “besides, the man picks the babies or something like that.”

“Sam, the man makes the genders.”

“Why does EVERYBODY have to come with us?”

“Do you remember what it was like shopping for Cassie? I want to get everything at once instead of taking seventeen different trips to buy things. Remember we need two of everything. Two cribs, two changing tables, two everything because there’s two babies.”

“Do we have to go today?” she whined. I sighed. This was going to be a long pregnancy.

“Yes, Sam. They’re already on their way—“ someone knocked on the door and Sam groaned again. I got up to answer the door. Spencer and Carly were standing in the doorway. They walked in.

“Hey Sam, have you guys found out what you’re having yet?” Carly asked.

“Yup.” Sam said. Carly practically ran to the couch and sat next to Sam.

“Well?”

“Well, it’s twins, hence the reason I look like I’m ready to push a baby out when I’m only 20 weeks along.”

“Stop being sarcastic.”

“Stop worrying about it.”

“She’s crabby.” I told Carly. Sam glared at me and I stood behind her and leaned closer to her. .

“Come on, baby, I know you’re tired and whatever but don’t be in such a bad mood. We’re going to have fun today, I promise. And when we get home I’ll do everything I can so you can sleep okay?”

“Fine.” Gibby walked into the apartment.

“Gibbay”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah we know who you are.” Sam snapped. My mom followed closely behind Gibby and looked around.

“Well, are we ready to go? We have a lot to do.” I helped Sam off the couch and we followed everyone out of the house.

X

“So are you going to tell us what you’re having or are you going to make us guess?”

“Well there’s only three options and four of you so it wouldn’t make much sense.” Sam said. I looked at her and she laughed, taking out her phone. She texted me.

_You can tell them the Liam’s name and I’ll tell them Lily’s and we’ll see if they get it._

My mom was driving so she’d be out of the loop, but it made it all the more humorous. I opened a new text to Carly, Spencer, Gibby and my mom.

_Liam Andrew Benson_

Phones started going off all over the car and Carly, Spencer and Gibby pulled out their phones, staring at the two texts with confused looks on their faces. Sam and I laughed.

“What?” my mom asked.

“Nothing.” Her phone started talking

_“New text message from Freddie. 1:46 P.M. Liam Andrew Benson. New text message from Samantha. 1:46 P.M. Lily Grace Benson.”_

“Your phone talks to you?”

“Well of course, Fredward, you don’t think I read text messages while I’m driving do you? And what does that mean? Liam and Lily?” Carly practically jumped through the roof.

“Those are the twin’s names! OH MY GOD! There’s a boy AND a girl? OH MY GOD! SAM!”

“Oh my God, Carly! If you don’t stop screaming in my ear I’m going to push you out of this van.” Sam was back to being crabby. We are almost to the store, though, so she’d be away from Carly in just a few short minutes. Carly put her hands on Sam’s stomach.

“Oh my God, you two are going to be so cute. I can’t wait until you’re bo—“

“What the hell are you doing?” Sam was staring at her and Carly looked up. I couldn’t help but laugh. Carly was more excited than we were. She moved away from Sam a bit.

“Sorry.” Carly mumbled. Sam put her hands on her stomach again, layed her head back and closed her eyes.

“You okay?” I asked her. She shook her head.

“Just shut up.” She snapped. I saw my mom’s disapproving look from the rearview mirror and gave her a warning glance. She pulled into the parking lot and I practically pushed Carly out of the van.

“You two are so mean to me now.”

“No, your stupid screaming gave me a headache. Again. Just when I was over the last one I had. Maybe you need to go get pregnant so I can jump around and scream like a 16 year old fuckin girl.” Sam and Carly were not going to have a good day today.

“I have some Tylenol if you want it,” Gibby mentioned. Sam looked at my mom.

“Can I take Tylenol or is it bad for the babies?”

“You can have Tylenol, but don’t take too much.” Sam turned back to Gibby.

“Give me the pills.” She demanded. Gibby chuckled, shaking his head and handed the bottle to Sam.

X

“What color do you want the twins room?” I asked Sam. I figured she’d give me a half ass ‘I don’t care’ answer, but she surprised me.

“Well, I want Lily’s half to be lavender and Liam’s half blue.” What?

“Half?” What did half mean?

“Yes, half. As in painting half the room one color and half the room another color. Like where we set Lily’s crib against one wall and Liam’s against the other. They’ll have their own little part of the room they share because they’re twins and babies.”

“Okay, babe.” I sighed. She grabbed the color strips.

“Go grab whatever paint you grabbed for Cassie’s room so we can get this done. Lily and Liam are hungry.” My mom, Gibby and Spencer were all standing in different checkout lines with the ridiculous amount of baby stuff we were buying. Carly was waiting for us. I grabbed the paint off the shelf and brought it to her. She was being snippy with the lady at the counter.

“No, I want THIS color. I don’t want something similar, I want THIS COLOR. Do you even speak English?”

“Sam, enough.”

“She’s being—“

“Go stand by Carly. I can’t handle you anymore.”

“No.”

“Yes. Bye.” Sam huffed and then stormed away.

“Sorry.” I felt like I apologized for Sam a lot lately.

“It’s no big deal, definitely not the worst I’ve had.” She laughed. I looked over at Sam, who was fighting with Carly again. Carly looked pissed.

“I’m cutting off the kids after this. This is ridiculous.” I said. The girl behind the counter laughed again.

“How many kids do you have?” she asked. I sighed.

“Well, three technically. We had one about a year ago but she passed away. Now she’s pregnant with twins.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” The girl looked distraught.

“Thank you.”

“So you want the lavender and the blue then?” she asked, grabbing the cans of paint.

“Yup.” She started messing with all the machinery she had behind the counter and in a matter of minutes we had the paint Sam wanted.

“Thanks. I appreciate it, even though my wife’s being nuts.” The girl behind the counter laughed for the third time as I took the paint from her and walked away. Sam glared at her.

“Stop it, let’s go.” My mom, Spencer and Gibby were already out at the car and we walked over to a checkout line.

“She was totally flirting with you.”

“First off, no she wasn’t, and second, what does it matter? My God, Sam. Can I go anywhere without you thinking I’m going to run off on you?”

“No.” she folded her arms and I rolled my eyes and started putting the stuff on the conveyer belt thing.

“Go out to the car or something,” I said. She shook her head.

“No! and quit telling me what to do!”

“Stop acting like a six year old, Sam. We’re in public. Would you like people to think you’re mental?”

“I am mental for wanting to have kids with you.”

“Yup. That’s right. You wanted to. You made that choice all on your own.”

“Ugh! I hate you.”

“No you don’t, you’re just pissed off. So go out to the car before you piss me off and we get into a fight.”

“Bite me,”

“Don’t tempt me,” I said. She huffed and walked out the door. Carly stared at me.

“You guys fight a lot,” she whispered. I shook my head.

“Don’t start, Carly. One day when you live with your boyfriend and then get married and start having kids and if you ever have to deal with the stuff Sam and I have dealt with you can make your comments but for now, since you don’t know what it’s like, you really need to just step back and not interfere.” I paid for the last of the stuff and we walked out to the van. Sam was leaning back on the side with her arms folded. She looked beyond mad. I put my hands on her face.

“I’m not going to fight with you over any stupid stuff anymore. You need to chill out. I don’t think you need to be reminded just how high risk this pregnancy is and if you’re wasting your energy fighting and worrying about stupid shit something is going to go wrong. And we both know it. So, we’ll get all of this stuff back to the apartment, bring it upstairs and then we can go and get some food or go and do something other than sit in the apartment all night. I know that you’re tired and you’re probably sore and whatever but that’s no reason to act like a child. Nobody here is against you, we all want what you want. And you should really ease up on Carly, she’s excited. You’re her best friend. She’s just trying to help you. I love you more than anything else and I’m sorry for snapping on you, but you’re not just stressing yourself out your stressing everyone else out. I know I’ve never been pregnant and I can never be pregnant but life doesn’t stop and the world doesn’t suddenly revolve around you just because you’re pregnant. Just relax, take it day by day and don’t let stupid stuff get to you. Okay?” she sighed.

“Okay. I’m sorry.” She took my hands off her face.

“I love you,” I to her. She nodded.

“I love you, too.” There wouldn’t be a single time I wouldn’t remind her that even when she was irritating me or we were fighting or whatever that I still loved her and nothing would change it. We got in the van and my mom drove us back to the apartment.


	36. Chapter 36

“Freddie, can I use your car? I’m going to get some food while you guys unload this for when we start setting it up.” My mom was crazy if she thought I was going to leave her in charge of getting food for people who liked food.

“Are you going to get real food?” I asked her. She gave me a look.

“Healthy boys and girls are a—“

“Get some pizza,” I told her, not wanting to hear whatever crazy thing from her obsessive parenting meetings she could quote. She shook her head.

“Pizza isn’t good for—“

“Hey, we want pizza damn it.” Sam snapped. My mom stared at her.

“That’s hardly the langu—“ I cut her off with a groan.

“Mom, don’t make her mad.” My mom huffed as I tossed her the keys. She took my car and drove off.

“I love arguing with your mom,” Sam laughed. I shook my head.

“Sam, if I asked you to go up to the apartment and NOT try carrying any of this stuff would you argue with me?” I was careful about how I worded my question. I didn’t need her to go off again.

“Nope. I’m really tired anyway. Besides, I don’t need you to have a heart attack.” She laughed. I kissed her forehead.

“Good, because I wasn’t going to ask. I was just going to make you do it.” She shook her head and headed towards the building.

“So, ready to be a father?” Gibby asked.

“I’m already a father. I didn’t stop being a father when her heart stopped beating, Gibby.” I tried not to let the question bother me, but there was something about the looks and the comments people made. It was like because Cassie wasn’t with us she just never existed. She’d always be my first born child, even if she wasn’t physically with me. I WAS a father, just a different kind of father.

“I’m sorry, you know what I mean though.”

“Yes, I’m very ready for Lily and Liam. I think I’m more ready for them than I was for Cassie to be honest. Cassie was a learning experience. Lily and Liam are too, but in a different way.” I grabbed one of the cribs out of the back of the van. Spencer grabbed the other and Gibby and Carly grabbed the changing tables. We walked into the door of the building.

“So what are you guys going to do for Cassie’s birthday? Isn’t it in, like, three weeks?” Carly asked. I sighed.

“I don’t know what we’re doing. And yes. April 26. Haven’t been thinking about it—“

“How do you just NOT think about it?”

“Carly, you wouldn’t understand.” The door to the apartment was already open because of Sam and we carried the stuff into the twin’s nursery. Carly set the changing table on the floor next to the crib and huffed.

“Well, maybe I WOULD understand if you and Sam stopped being all ‘Oh my God we have to keep everything to ourselves’” she complained.

“Well, yeah. We do. Nobody in this room knows what it’s like. Not you, not Gibby, not Spencer. You just know what it felt like for you. You know what, Carly? If you ever lose a child then MAYBE you’ll understand, but unless that happens nothing we tell you is going to make sense. And maybe if you acted more like an adult and less like a teenager Sam would be willing to talk to you. But since you can’t keep your mouth shut about anything she’s never going to. And how can I NOT think about it? Easy. April 26 wasn’t just the day she was born, it was the day she died. And I’m not anxious to relive that day in my head. Is that okay with you or would you like to be a therapist too?” Carly stared at me with her mouth hanging open. I walked out of the nursery and back to the van. Carly was trailing behind me and I heard Sam talk.

“He’s right, you know? I feel like every time I want to talk to you about Cassie you’re going to tell me to just get over it or like you’re writing it down to go tell everyone you know how a mother deals with losing her baby.” I turned around and saw Carly looking sadly at Sam.

“Sam, you’ve been my best friend forever. How could you think I would tell you to get over it?” Sam, who had been laying on her back on the couch, slowly sat up with great effort.

“Because, before I went into Troubled Waters you basically told me to get over it. I mean, I know I was acting crazy and everything, but it’s like because I wasn’t handling things the way you wanted me to it was somehow intruding on you and your life. Like I was some sort of burden on you. Yeah, we’ve been best friends for years, but after I got pregnant things just changed. I wanted to grow up for her and be a mother and you were stuck in your partying, boyfriend after boyfriend lifestyle. And I don’t care what you do with your life, but it was like when I could have used you the most you were too busy out living that life. You know I didn’t have anybody else to talk to. You know I would NEVER talk to Freddie’s mom about Cassie. I had nobody but Freddie, and I didn’t WANT to talk to him about it because I knew he was hurting from her too.”

“Sam—“

“Look, I know you keep wondering why I haven’t asked you to be Lily and Liam’s Godmother when I was so quick to ask you with Cassie, but I’m worried. I want to know that the person Freddie and I pick to be their Godmother or Godfather will REALLY give up anything and everything for them just like we would. It’s not just a title, Carly. If anything happened to Freddie and I whoever the Godmother or Godfather is would have to take care of Liam and Lily. I feel like maybe you’re too stuck in your lifestyle and that you wouldn’t give it up for them, and I can’t have that around my kids.” I saw Carly tear up and it almost made me sad, but sometime the truth hurt. Lily and Liam were way to important, especially after Cassie, to risk just having anybody be responsible for them if we died.

“Sam..” she stumbled over her words, “If Liam and Lily were with me I wouldn’t be throwing parties or having anybody over or doing anything except spending time with them. And if by some strange coincidence you and Freddie both died and I was responsible for your kids my whole life would change to cater to them. I wouldn’t do such a huge dishonor to you or Freddie by messing your kids up.”

“Look, Carly,” she turned to look at me, “we don’t think you’d be a horrible guardian, but after Cassie died you just kind of disappeared for a while. You were really considerate and helpful the first month or so but then you just kind of, vanished. You didn’t come here to check on Sam, you didn’t do any of that. And after that whole throwing the doll around thing we weren’t sure if you were right for being a Godmother to our kids. It’s got nothing to do with you as a person, just a trust thing. We want to raise Lily and Liam to know that no matter what they can come to us with no judgment and no bad advice like ‘get over it’ or whatever.” I told her.

“Yeah, and there’s nothing I would love more than to be able to know that Lily and Liam will always have you if we can’t  be there, but I can’t trust you to raise them like I want to. Being a Godmother is like being a mother, but different. I mean, I want to be able to wake up in the morning and know I can bring them by you for a few hours while I sleep or clean or do something to catch up on life without babies and know that there’s no Michael there or Ben or Joe or whoever and that 150% of your attention is on them. And I want to know that it’s not going to be like I said ‘don’t give them this’ and you do it anyway you know?” I knew the words hurt Carly; she made no effort to mask it. Sam just sighed.

“Well, I’m going to prove it to you. I would give up anything in the world for Liam and Lily.” Sam gave her an ‘I hope so’ look before laying back on the couch.

“Come on, we have more stuff to bring up,” I motioned Carly, Gibby and Spencer back through the door.

X

Spencer and Gibby were on one side of the room putting Lily’s crib together, with great difficulty I might add, and Carly and I were on the side putting together Liam’s crib. Sam had fallen asleep on the couch shortly after our talk with Carly. Carly was still upset about the whole thing.

“How did we even do this last time?” Spencer asked, exasperated. I laughed.

“I have no idea, to me it seems easier this time.”

“What are all these parts for? I thought this was just for a baby to sleep in,” Gibby commented. I shook my head.

“It is. It’s a crib. It’s probably the most annoying part of getting ready for a baby…or babies.”

“I’m never having kids. I’m using a condom every time from now on.” Gibby mumbled. Carly started laughing.

“You can’t get an imaginary girl pregnant, Gibby.” She giggled. Gibby got a sly look on his face.

“Oh, Carly. Shall we bring up—“

“No, we shall NOT bring up anything, GIBBY!” she cut him off as her face turned started turning pink. I stared at her and Spencer looked between her and Gibby.

“Oh hell no, you did NOT do the happy dance with my sister!” Spencer blurted out.

“Happy dance?” I asked him. Carly shook her head.

“No—“

“Yeah,”

“Gibby!” Carly’s face went from a light shade of pink to a bright shade of red. I couldn’t control my laughter. Carly and Gibby? There was no way. Spencer just continued to look between the two of them.

“Alright, let’s just put these cribs together before Sam wakes up.”

“Too late,” Carly pointed to the doorway where Sam was standing. She walked into the room and sat next to me.

“You okay? You only slept for, like, 30 minutes.” She nodded, leaning her head against my shoulder and closing her eyes.

“Babies moving again?” I asked her. She nodded again.

“Where’s your mom?” she mumbled groggily.

“She went home. She had to get ready for work. You look more tired than before.” I said. She yawned.

“I am,” she whispered.

“Come on, I’ll get them to stop moving around long enough for you to get at least a little more sleep.” I stood up and took her hands, pulling her up to a standing position. We walked into our room and she practically fell in the bed. I turned the Indian music on, just like I had done with Cassie, and layed next to her, putting my hand on her stomach.

“How come they like you more than me?”

“They don’t.”

“They always stop moving whenever you touch my stomach but they move more when I do it.”

“Sam, this is the first time I’ve done it. And maybe they like feeling your touch more because you’re their mommy.”

“Nah, they love their daddy more,” she mumbled. Sleep was overcoming her quickly.

“Just get some sleep, babe.”

“Mmhmm,” she fell asleep again five seconds later.

X

The twin’s room looked incredible for only taking a day to put together. I was standing, looking around and loving how it turned out. Sam was still asleep. She had been sleeping all afternoon and so far all night. It was 9:00 and everything was done. I hoped Sam would approve of the room, especially the way it was painted, because I didn’t want to move anything around. The painting had been easy, we just moved all of Lily’s stuff to the other side of the room, painted, let it dry and moved it back. We did the same with Liam’s stuff. Spencer had left early because he had some sort of marathon thing with Socko tonight and Carly and Gibby left fifteen minutes ago, Carly yelling at Gibby for even thinking of bringing up their “happy dance” as Spencer called it. It was hilarious.

“Oh my God,” I heard Sam whisper behind me and I turned around.

“Is that good or bad?” I asked her. She looked around the room.

“This is amazing,” she said breathlessly. I smiled. At least she was happy.

“We’re ready for some babies.” I chuckled. She shook her head.

“Let’s let them get a bit bigger first.” She said as she turned around. I nodded.

“Of course,”

“Thank you, babe.” She leaned her head on my chest and I put my arms around her.

“Anything for you, princess Benson.”


	37. Chapter 37

My phone started ringing at 4:00 in the morning and I wondered who the hell was crazy enough to call me at 4 in the morning. Sam wasn’t next to me, not that I was too worried. She was pregnant after all. I picked up my phone sleepily.

_Matt calling_

I hit the talk button, confused as to why Matt was calling me.

“Hello?”

“Hey Freddie. Don’t worry about coming in today. I got it. Stay home with Sam. We’ll see you Monday.”

“What are you talking about? Did Sam call you or something?” I looked around the room and saw Sam’s phone wasn’t sitting on the table next to her. Damn her.

“No, Sam didn’t call me. I just assumed you two would be doing something today.” I thought about it. Was I supposed to do something special with Sam today? My eyes landed on the picture of Sam and Cassie. April 26 had snuck up on me so quickly.

“Oh…” how could I forget her birthday? Oh, that’s right. I was so determined not to remember it. My whole body shut down, “well thanks man. I better go find Sam.” I hung the phone up and got out of bed. That would explain why she wasn’t sleeping. I walked into the livingroom where she was sitting on the couch looking through the scrapbook my mom had given me for my birthday. I had never looked at it.

“Sam?” she didn’t bother to turn around. She just moved over on the couch.

“Can you believe she would have been a year old today?” she whispered softly. I sat next to her and she turned the page in the scrapbook. My mom had put together a whole book of pictures of Sam and me and Cassie’s ultrasound and hospital pictures.

“I know. It’s insane,”

“I really wish we hadn’t moved,” I almost couldn’t hear her. She was talking so quietly, “I would have spent the whole day in her room. This spare room, it doesn’t feel like hers.” I saw a tear hit the page of the scrapbook and I took it from her and pulled her closer to me.

“Shhh. It’s okay, babe.”

“No it’s not. Didn’t you see it outside? It’s raining. It’s supposed to rain all day. How are we supposed to do anything at the graveyard when it’s raining like crazy?”

“We’ll figure it out,”

“Cassie’s wherever she is and she’s upset and I can’t even hold her and make it better for her. Today was supposed to be sunny and happy so I knew that she was enjoying the day in neverland.”

“neverland?”

“Yeah, neverland. Because I will NEVER have her no matter how much begging and crying I do.”

“The sun could still come out, Sam. It’s only 4:05 in the morning.” I reminded her. She sighed.

“I want her back, at least for one day a year. At least for her birthday. I want to see her smile and make a mess of every single thing we give her to eat. I want to see her walk around like a crazy angel. I want to hear her laugh. Why can’t I have that? Why is it April 26 a year later and I can’t stop thinking of everything I’m missing because she’s gone?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered. She was back to crying.

“Can we go to the store? I want to get some stuff for her,” she sat up quickly, well, as quickly as a girl 23 weeks pregnant with twins could sit up. I nodded.

“Of course, let’s go.” I stood up and helped her up. She was already dressed and had her shoes on. Her jacket was by the door. She must have been up for a while. I walked back in our room, threw on the first things I touched and we left.

X

Sam was standing in the middle of the aisle. She sighed and put her hands on her stomach.

“I wish they would stop moving around long enough for me to do anything.”

“I know. Soon enough you’ll be asking God to put them back inside of your stomach when they’re up all night crying. Just imagine it. Two babies crying at the same time.”

“I’m hiring a nanny,” she laughed. I shook my head, laughing with her.

“Sam?” that voice was too familiar and it made me want to throw up. What was she doing here.

“Fuck,” Sam said under her breath. She turned around with the worst look of hatred on her face, “what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be mooching off some guy by now?”

“I don’t mooch. Besides, what’s it to you? Last I checked you had me disowned.” Her mom said sarcastically.

“Yup. Since you willingly decided to ruin my life and refused to even come to the hospital when Cassie was born or go to her funeral or anything—“

“You told me not to go to her funeral. By the way, I’m thinking of going to the graveyard today for her birthday—“

“Don’t even think about it. You don’t deserve to go there. You were nothing to her just like you’re nothing to me.”

“She was my granddaughter, Samantha.”

“No! She wasn’t! You don’t even deserve to call yourself her grandmother! Just because you gave birth doesn’t make you a mother and since you never really were a mother to Mel or me you REALLY aren’t a grandmother to any kids we have.” Sam was literally one comment away from hitting her mom and I didn’t want that happening. Her mother had no problem hitting a pregnant person.

“Speaking of kids, I see you’re having more. Trying to replace your daughter already?” Sam stood silently just glaring at her mom.

“Sam, let’s go.” I took her hand and we started walking away.

“You’re an evil, conceited bitch!” Sam yelled.

“Don’t even acknowledge her. Let’s just go.”

We walked out of the store.

X

Despite the rain we went to the graveyard. We had to. Sam refused to let anything stand in the way of getting as close to Cassie as she could. She was kneeling in the mud, once again tracing her finger over the letters of Cassie’s name. I was kneeling next to her just watching her. Being here hurt more this time knowing all the thing we would be doing right now if Cassie wasn’t in this cemetery. I didn’t care about the rain or the mud or the thunder that rumbled in the distance. This was where we belonged today.

“Happy birthday, angel.” Sam whispered. I rubbed her back, hoping that it would make her feel better. Sam put her other hand on her stomach and looked down. I reached my other hand out to the headstone we had bought for Cassie. It felt so cold. As soon as both Sam and I were touching the headstone the sun broke through the clouds and reflected it’s light onto our hands. Nowhere else. Just there. Sam looked at me and smiled.

“It’s her,” she whispered, “telling us she’s okay.” I nodded.

“Of course.

“Freddie?”

“Yes?”

“Do you think she’s happy about us having the twins?” she asked me. As if on cue the clouds moved even further and the rays of sunlight hit Sam. Sam looked up with the same smile on her face.

“I think that’s your answer.” I told her, wrapping my arm around her.

“I love you, Cassie.” She said to the sky. The clouds were clearing much quicker now and we looked around at everything our angel’s presence touched.

“You ready to head back to the apartment?” I asked her. She nodded and kissed Cassie’s headstone then I helped her stand up. She started walking to the car but stopped and turned around. I waved her on.

“It’s okay, I’ll be there in a minute.” I told her. She nodded and walked away. I put my hand on Cassie’s headstone again.

“You are the most special baby in the world, Cassie. You’re so brave and smart and beautiful. I will never forget to come here on your birthday or any other day I’m really missing you. I can’t believe a year has passed already. You are the most amazing blessing your mommy or I could ever come into contact with. Never forget just how much you mean to us. You are an amazing, special little girl and wherever you are, baby girl, you will always be loved. Happy birthday.”

X

We walked into the apartment and saw Carly, Spencer, Gibby and my mom standing around. They had decorated the apartment up for Cassie’s birthday and had even made a cake. Sam looked around with tears in her eyes while she slowly walked around. I smiled.

“We’re going to have a birthday party for Cassie.” Carly said. Sam was standing by Carly now and she hugged her.

“You’re the best friend ever, Carly.”

“I’m not done, come here.” She took Sam’s hand and I followed the two of them into the twins nursery. There was a picture of Cassie hanging up on the wall with the words Our Big Sister scattered around the picture.

“Carly—“ the way the picture was placed was perfect. The sun hit it at just the right angle and we knew Cassie would always be watching over her brother and sister. Carly shrugged.

“Should we have a birthday party for the most amazing angel to ever be welcomed into this world?” she asked, trying to lighten to mood. Sam nodded.

“We’re going to change first,” she said. We walked into our room and grabbed some different clothes.

“Can you believe they put this together?” Sam asked. I nodded.

“Yeah, I knew they were planning something. I just didn’t know what.”

“I wish Cassie was here to celebrate her birthday with us, though.” The sun streamed into our room.

“She is,” I pointed to the rays of sunshine hitting the floor. Sam smiled.

“Come on, let’s give her the best first birthday she could ever imagine,” she took my hand and we walked back into the livingroom.

X

Sam was sleeping good. All the food and the lack of a nap all day mixed with waking up at 3:00 in the morning had made for a good night of sleep. My mom had cleaned up the apartment. I would have helped her but Sam was laying on me. My mom walked over to the couch where we were sitting.

“Well, I’m going to take off. I hope this wasn’t too bittersweet for you guys. I wanted today to be celebrating her birthday, not mourning her death.” She whispered. I nodded.

“Thanks mom. This was more than we expected for her birthday. I think having the sun come out helped Sam.”

“Well, I love you. Goodnight,” she kissed my cheek.

“Mom I’m 24 years old you can stop—“

“I don’t care if you’re 68 years old. You’re still my son.”

“Fine, I love you too mom. Goodnight.” She quietly let herself out. I looked down at Sam. Cassie had looked so much like her. I guess in a way I was lucky she wasn’t here because I really didn’t feel like fighting all the boys off of her 15 years from now. Sam stirred, but never woke up.

“Goodnight, angel.” I kissed the top of her head and spent the rest of the night watching her sleep.


	38. Chapter 38

Today I wanted to do something special for Sam, so I planned an adventure for her. Of course I had Carly helping out since Sam could barely get around. This pregnancy was kicking her ass. It was about 5:00 in the morning and I was wide awake while Sam slept. I was sitting at the counter in the kitchen.

Sam,

Let’s go on an adventure through the past. I’ve put together a list of my six favorite places; each because of something that happened between us. Good luck and I’ll be waiting. First hint is in this envelope.

I love you,

Freddie

I needed a clever hint for each one, but I’d start with the first one. It would be at least an hour until she woke up. I picked the pen up and flipped the ultrasound picture of Cassie over.

_I’m a girl. Let’s celebrate._

Hopefully that would be a good start and her pregnancy brain would comprehend it. I picked my phone up and opened a new text to Carly.

_I’m leaving. Be here by 6._

I put the picture in an envelope with the note and sealed it. I wrote Samantha Lynn Benson on the front. She hated her name, but it had a nice ring to it. I left the envelope on the counter with a single red rose and left the apartment.

X

I walked up to the Seattle Sky Needle and approached the girl working in the front. She looked confused, although they had only opened 15 minutes earlier.

“Hello,” she said kindly. I smiled.

“Hi, I’m Freddie. So, I was wondering if you could help me.”

“Sure. What can I do for you?”

“Well, to make a long story short I’ve been married for roughly five years and right now actually my wife is pregnant so she’s been really tired and sore and whatever. So, today I’m going around to places that mean a lot to me for different reasons and they all have to do with her. Last year we came here when we found out our daughter was a girl, so this is where I want to start. So, she’ll probably come in here and whatever she’s blonde, very pregnant because we’re having twins, and she’ll be with a brunette. If you could just give her something I would really appreciate it.”

“Sure, no problem. What is it you wanted me to give her?”

“Well,” I handed her the second red rose and reached into my pocket, pulling out the second envelope with another note.

_I promise…my life became complete that Sunday afternoon._

“Just this stuff. She’ll get it.” I gave her the envelope with the second note in it. She smiled.

“And will you give me a call when she leaves?” I handed her a piece of paper with my cell number on it.

“Of course. Wow, this girl is lucky.”

“I’m the lucky one,” I said before I walked back out the door.

X

The church looked a lot older than I remember it being when we got married. It hadn’t really changed. Everything looked the same. I walked in and saw the priest walking down the hall. He turned around. He was the same one who had married us.

“Can I help you?” he asked, walking back towards me.

“I hope so. Father John right?”

“Yes, do I know you?”

“Well, kind of. I’m Freddie. My wife, Sam, and I got married here 5 years ago.”

“Oh, Freddie. I remember you. You and Ariel developed a pretty nice bond.”

“Yeah, Ariel was awesome. Anyway, I’m going around town to places that mean a lot to me and they all have to do with Sam. We’ve been through a lot in the past year and she’s pregnant right now but I wanted to take her on an adventure through our past. Kind of remind her that no matter how long we’ve been together I still remember all these places. So, I’m giving her a rose at every place and a hint to the next place.”

“I always knew you two would last,” Father John smiled. I nodded.

“Me too. So will you help me out?”

“Sure I will.” I handed him the rose and the third envelope that held the third hint.

_My first and only. Always._

“Thank you. I mean for everything. I couldn’t imagine my life without her and you were a big part in me having her.”

“God would have found a way to bring you together, but I was very honored to marry you two. Good luck.”

“Oh, one more thing,” I handed him the piece of paper, “will you call me when she leaves?”

“Yes,” He held his hand out and I shook it before leaving.

X

This was the only place that I even considered being rejected. I knocked on the door and a middle age woman answered.

“Hi?” there was a small child peeking out behind her legs. I smiled at the child and then looked back at the woman.

“Hi, I know you don’t know me, but my name is Freddie Benson. My wife and I used to live in this apartment.”

“Oh! Oh my God! Talk about fate! Come in! I have something to give to you,” she stepped away from the door, nearly tripping on the child, “Darn it, Cassie, watch out.” It was ironic. Maybe fate had brought me here after all. What are the odds that the person who moved in after us would have a daughter named Cassie?

“I found this in the closet and I wondered what it was. There was no name on it or anything, but I figured it had to belong to the person that lived here before me. It looked really special, so I kept it hoping I would figure out who it belonged to.” She handed me a notebook and I looked through it. It was a pregnancy diary. Sam had written everything about her pregnancy in here. How she felt, her measurements, what she was craving, what she had done that day. It ended April 25. The day before Cassie was born.

“I didn’t read it or anything, just kind of skimmed it to see if there was a name. All I saw was Sam, Freddie and Carly. Oh and a girl named Cassie,”

“I can’t believe you kept this. You are the most unbelievable person I’ve ever met.” I whispered. She looked at me apologetically.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—“

“No, this is great. Cassie’s our daughter. Sam was so excited about her and then things just suddenly turned around and she was gone. Talk about a miracle, I didn’t even know she had done this. This is definitely going to mean everything to her.”

“Wait, you guys lost your baby?” she asked. I looked at her and nodded.

“Yeah, the day after this last entry actually.”

“Oh, wow. I’m so sorry,”

“Thanks. She’s actually pregnant again. With twins. Lily and Liam. Anyway, that’s why I came here kind of. After everything that’s happened this past year and with her being pregnant and whatever I wanted to do something really nice for her before the twins come. So I’m going around to places that mean—“

“Whatever you need me to do I will do.” She nodded her hand and I handed her the fourth rose.

“Just give her this rose and this envelope. She’ll understand. She’s blonde, pregnant and she’ll be with a brunette. Sam’s my wife, Carly’s our best friend.” I handed her the envelope with the pre-written note.

_A forever thing._

“You’re daughters cute. She’ll definitely be a little heartbreaker when she’s older.” The woman turned around and looked at her Cassie.

“Thank you. Are you guys the ones that painted that room teal?” she asked. I nodded.

“Yup.”

“Cassie LOVES it.”

“Funny, we painted it because it was the color we thought of to represent our Cassie.”

“Well, it was nice to meet you Freddie. I’ll definitely give this to her when she comes around.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it. Here’s my number, call me after she leaves.” I handed her a slip of paper and she smiled.

“Sure thing.”

X

I was standing in the iCarly studio. I had the camera pointing to the envelope. Whenever she walked in she’d step on a sensor that would trigger the camera and the video would stream to my phone. That’s when I would know she had come. I set the envelope and the rose right where we had been when I asked her to marry me. My phone started vibrating.

_Sam’s up. We’re leaving. She’s irritated._

I chuckled. Of course she was. Leaving the apartment was her least favorite thing in the world right now. But I hoped she would appreciate it all in the end. I clicked reply.

_Okay. Get her a smoothie. It always cheers her up._

My phone vibrated again.

_What the HELL are you thinking making me run around town? I’m 26 weeks pregnant with TWO BABIES!_

Sam, Sam, Sam.

_You’ll love it. I promise. I love you._

A new text popped up.

_You owe me big time, Freddie. She’s literally about to stab me for going along with this._

I sighed and shook my head before replying.

_Look, this is going to prove how great of a friend you are to her okay? Lily and Liam, Carly. Don’t need to say more._

_I will NOT love it! I’m tired, my feet are all swollen, I’m hungry and I DON’T want to be doing this!_

The text messages were very distracting.

_Come on, baby. I know what I’m doing. I love you. Try not to kill Carly. I made her do this._

I walked to the door of the iCarly studio and shut the lights off. Hopefully she would appreciate this or I was screwed.

X

“Back so soon? Sam didn’t check herself in here,” the nurse behind the counter recognized me and I laughed.

“I know, she might check me in here today if she’s in as bad of a mood later as she is now.” My phone started vibrating in my pocket and I rolled my eyes. I saw an unfamiliar number.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Freddie?” an unfamiliar voice.

“Yeah?”

“Hi, it’s Lorraine, from the Sky Tower. Sam and her friend just left.”

“Was she mad?”

“A little irritated, I think. But she had a smoothie so she seemed content.”

“Okay, thanks Lorraine.” I hung up the phone and the nurse looked at me.

“So…what are you doing?”

“Well, I’m taking Sam on an adventure. Wanna help me out?”

“Sure. What are you going to make me do?”

“Well,” I handed her the rose and the envelope.

_You embarrassed me on iCarly, but it was all worth it in the end._

 “just give her these. And remind her that she loves me.” I laughed. The nurse shook her head with a smiled.

“You two are so funny,” she stated. I nodded.

“Thanks, though. I think she’ll love what I’m doing. Give me a call when she leaves.”

“Sure thing, Freddie.” I walked out the doors and out to my final destination.

X

Everything was set, and now I just had to wait. Waiting was the worst part. I didn’t know how her reaction would be when she got here. My phone started vibrating again.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Freddie. It’s Father John. Sam and Carly just left. Sam was all smiles, she seems very pleased by this adventure.”

“Thanks. I hope so.” I hung the phone up and sat in the chair. I hadn’t planned anything for the time I had to wait for her.

_Did you have T-bo slip something in her smoothie? She’s all giddy._

I chuckled. At least she was in a good mood.

_No. But keep her in the good mood. By the way, don’t come up the fire escape with her._

I looked at the sky. It was a perfect combination of blue, sunshine and clouds. The most beautiful day I’ve seen. Must have been the message I was sending across.

_Wouldn’t dream of it._

Carly was so funny.

X

After two more phones calls and a video message I was pacing back and forth. Everyone I had talked to had said she was in a good mood and I hoped she was. For whatever reason I was nervous about her reaction. I heard someone coming down the hallway and I stopped pacing and faced the window. Sam appeared moments later.

“You’re fuckin crazy, you know that?” she laughed. At least she was smiling.

“Only about you.” I walked to the window and helped her over the ledge. She sat on it, not even bothering to go to the chair.

“Where did you even get the idea to make your pregnant wife run around town finding hints like this?” I took a deep breath.

“With everything from the past year and the fact that we’ve been together for such a long time I wanted to remind you that I’ll never forget all the things in the past that brought us here. I feel like I don’t appreciate you enough. And I know you probably think it’s stupid but I want you to always remember that I’m more in love with you now than I was the first time we were here. I want you more than I did back when you checked yourself into Troubled Waters, whether you’re crazy or not. I need you more than I did that day in the iCarly studio. Making love to you is a lot more meaningful now than it was when we were 18 years old and doing it just to see what it was like in our first place together. I’m more nervous now than I was the day I watched you walk down the aisle to me with Spencer by your side. And there’s nothing in the entire world I wouldn’t do for you, even if you think it’s silly. I wouldn’t have the life I have now if you weren’t in it, Sam. And from the day we kissed the first time I knew that I wanted to grow old with only you, and everything I’ve just told you is coming from somewhere I don’t know. All I know is that if I ever had to go through everything we’ve gone through again I would do it because it’s made me realize just how amazing you are and how lucky I am that you’re mine.” she stood up from her sitting position and walked towards me. She almost looked like she was crying and it made me feel really guilty for a minute. Then she kissed me and everything around us faded. It was like the first time all over again. Everything I had wanted and never dared ask for. She broke away and hugged me before whispering.

“I’m the lucky one.”


	39. Chapter 39

_I’m so bored!_

It was only 6:00 in the morning and Sam had probably just woken up, but somehow she was already bored. I couldn’t blame her, she had been on bed rest for three days.

_At work. Can’t text. I love you._

“Mark, cue.”

“-Sounds good boss. In 5, 4, 3, 2.”

X

“Benson, come here.” We were about to go into our meeting when Jack called me over. I sighed and approached him.

“Yeah?” he was standing with some new guy.

“This is Aaron. Our new camera man.” He patted Aaron on the shoulder.

“Wait, what? New camera man? But we already have our camera people.” I was confused.

“Aaron’s going to replace Mark.”

“Mark’s leaving?” I looked at Mark, who was joking around with Eliza.

“Yup. And you’re going to be the one to tell him. Everything’s on your desk.” He started to walk away.

“What?” he turned around and looked at me.

“You need to fire Mark. I’ve got to show Aaron what he needs to know before the night news.”

“I am NOT going to fire Mark. He’s been here longer than I have. He taught me everything I know about this place.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you right. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Benson. He may call you boss, but I AM your boss. What I tell you to do is what you do.”

“Jack how could you consider firing Mark? He’s the best camera guy we’ve had since I started here.”

“Because I’m the boss. Go read the notes and fire him. I don’t have time to argue about this. Do it. Now.”

“No.”

“You either fire him or I fire you.” I hesitated for a second. He was bluffing. He wouldn’t fire me.

“Fine. Bye.” I started to walk away.

“Benson!”

“My name is Freddie.” I snapped. Jack smiled.

“Nice job, Freddie.”

“What are you talking about?” Mark walked over to Jack. He was laughing and it confused me even more.

“It’s a test, Benson. Jack does it with everyone he promotes up to your position. You should have seen Matt freak out. He about tore the studio apart.” Mark laughed.

“What do you mean a test?” I looked from him to Jack and then to the “new guy.”

“When you’re helping run the news show you have to stand by your team. Put your reputation and your job on the line to back your team up no matter what.” Jack explained. I rolled my eyes and tried to avoid smiling.

“So who’s the new guy then?”

“My son. Aaron. He enjoys this day every time it happens. Now let’s go. We have a news show to put together and I’m sure you want to get home to Sam.” Jack said. I started to follow him to the conference room and Mark stopped me.

“Thanks for not firing me. Don’t know how I would explain that to the wife.” He laughed. I shook my head and walked away into the conference room.

X

I got home and Sam was pacing around the livingroom.

“What’s up?” I asked her, shutting the door slowly.

“Oh nothing. Just pregnant.” she said sarcastically. I walked over to her.

“Baby—“

“Don’t touch me!” she snapped. I hadn’t even thought of it.

“Sam?”

“It’s just those stupid Braxton Hicks things. Don’t worry about it.”

“Well, have you been writing them down?”

“No, Freddie. I’ve just been pretending they don’t exist—“

“Sam—“

“Chill out. The notebooks over there.” She pointed to a notebook on the counter.

“Sam! Why didn’t you call me?” I was flipping through the pages in the notebook. She had filled two pages in one day.

“Because, I already called Janet. She said if they get more intense or it looks like the babies dropped or I lose my mucus plug to go in but otherwise just walk around a bit, rest, relax, whatever.”

“But she said you probably won’t make it to 40 weeks—“

“Would you just shut up and stop arguing with me? I think I know my own body well enough to know if Lily and Liam are trying to make their way out.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Fredward.”

“So, why don’t you sit down and I’ll give you a massage,” I said. She laughed.

“You don’t want to do that.”

“Yes I do. Now come on. Sit.” She walked to the couch and sat next to me.

“Tell me what’s going on,” she said.

“Why does something have to be going on for me to do something nice for you?”

“Because, you never acted like this before.”

“Nothing’s going on, Sam.”

“You’re lying.”

“No—“

“Yes, and you’re a terrible liar. So just tell me what’s going on. Ever since Cassie’s birthday you’ve been all nice and doing all this ridiculous stuff.”

“Like what?”

“Like the adventure, sending flowers to the apartment, texting me randomly just to say I love you, massages. What’s on your mind, babe? You know you can talk to me.” Sam always thought there was a motive behind everything, but I just wanted to do nice things for her. She was so special and since she was pregnant and soon the simple things would be gone because everything would be Lily and Liam.

“Nothing, Sam. Honestly.” She sighed.

“How was work?” she changed the subject.

“Fine.”

“Just fine?”

“Why do I have the feeling something’s bugging you?” I asked her. She looked at me.

“Did you cheat on me?” she blurted out. I stared at her.

“Umm…what? Where did that come from?”

“Because you’re being ridiculously nice lately and I read your text messages and that Eliza girl texts you A LOT. And lately you’ve been coming home later than usual from work and—“

“Sam, that’s ridiculous. No. I didn’t cheat on you. I wouldn’t dream of it. I just want to do this stuff now because in no time we’ll be on baby duty and won’t be able to do all these simple little things. And yeah, Eliza texts me about WORK. Did you even read the messages or just skim through to see who they’re from? Besides, since when do you go through my phone? And we’ve been changing some things at the studio. We’re having some big shot people coming in soon so we’re trying to perfect everything so I’ve had to stay a little later to help Jack out.” The whole idea was stupid. I didn’t even understand how something like that could go through her mind.

“Oh.” She said simply. I smiled.

“You are the only girl for me, Sam. Always. For the rest of eternity.”

“Promise?”

“I promise, you crazy girl. Don’t be so paranoid. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll tell you every day if you want me to.”

“No. Yeah, I guess it was a pretty stupid thought.”

“Very stupid.”

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled. I shook my head.

“Don’t apologize. I would probably feel the same way if the roles were reversed.” I kissed the top of her head.

“Ready for babies?”

“I’ve been ready. Damn these kids are killing me. I can’t wait to meet them.”

“Me either,”

“Do you think Cassie somehow sent them to us? Like she wanted to have a brother and sister?” she asked me randomly. I shrugged

“Who knows? Maybe. But, I really think we should talk to Carly—“

“To be their Godmother? Yeah, I was thinking that too. I just wanted to see how she reacted when we told her we couldn’t trust her. I already knew she’d give up anything for them. I mean look at everything she did for Cassie.”

“So?”

“So, we’ll wait until their born. We can surprise her.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“So, I heard Jack tricked you today,” Sam laughed. I nodded.

“Yup. Evil man. I don’t understand him sometimes.”

“It’s funny though,”

“I guess.”

“Well, I’m tired. I’m going to sleep for as long as I can.”

“Okay angel, I love you.”

“I love you, too.”


	40. Chapter 40

Today I was going to write a “book” of my favorite memories with Sam. She was feeling really miserable lately, especially since she couldn’t do anything. Technically and physically. I had put a television in our room now so she could lay in bed and watch T.V. I put it on the dresser so she didn’t have to try to look over her stomach to see it. I couldn’t imagine either of the twins being small.

“Freddie?” Sam, who hadn’t moved very much all day except to go to the bathroom or come out the kitchen to eat. I told her I would bring her food, but she wanted to move around a little bit. She got so uncomfortable just laying there.

“Yes?”

“Come here,” she was whiney too. I was ready for her to have these babies because there were times I just wanted to listen to my pearpod and ignore her. I got up from the chair by the counter and walked into the bedroom.

“What’s up?”

“Help me up.” She demanded. I chuckled and walked over to the bed.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Don’t be sarcastic. I swear they’re right on my damn bladder. This is ridiculous. I wish they would just get out.” She was standing up and she sighed and walked out of the room. I shook my head with a smile. She had been saying the same thing for the last 8 weeks. Get out, babies. I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. No matter what she was doing she was mumbling it. I went back into the kitchen and sat at the counter again.

_Sam,_

_Just to get it over with. That’s what we said. Just so we knew what it was like and we didn’t have to go through life being too nervous to do it. Who knew it would be the start of something great? I don’t think I’ll ever forget how I felt. I had spent so much time convincing myself that the abuse I got from you was something I accepted and not something I enjoyed. Whenever you touched me I got nervous. I was surprised you agreed to share our first kiss experience. When you were sitting on the windowsill and we were just talking you were driving me crazy. You were just so comfortable and casual and I was having a panic attack. You looked so undeniably beautiful without even trying. The way you half smiled, almost secretively. That night changed everything for us. I never let you know that I saw the confusion written all over your face after we broke apart. I just let you believe all these years that I didn’t know that night was the night you fell in love with me. I fell in love with you that night, so it seems right._

_And for your benefit I went along with it. Went along with it just being a “get it over with” thing. You seemed content with it, so I just accepted it for what it was. I knew eventually you would come around. What mama wants, mama gets. Even when mama doesn’t want to admit she wants it. That’s why I let you hang around me and Brad all the time. I let Carly be convinced that you were in love with Brad for you because I knew you’d never admit you were in love with me to Carly. For the longest time I was convinced you weren’t even going to admit it to me. After you and Carly got into that fight I needed to find you, to make sure you were okay. As a teenager your casual pouting was strange. Far more emotion than anybody was used to seeing with you. I loved when you snapped, it was exciting. I was curious to know if you were really going to do a “double fist dance” on my face. I’m glad you didn’t. I’m glad you chose the other route instead. I’d go back to that night anytime, even if I did play dumb for your sake._

_Then it was my turn to surprise you. I still can’t believe you checked yourself into a mental hospital. The three days you were “missing” were the longest three days of my life. I replayed the lock-in in my head about a million times trying to figure out if something went wrong. Nothing did. Not to me. But then when we found you and you said you were crazy because of the whole kissing and liking me thing I remembered that this was all new for you. You hadn’t grown up in a house with someone who was constantly checking on you to make sure you were okay and trying to protect you. You had to fend for yourself, so naturally your walls were up. I was determined to break them down one by one, even if it took my whole life, starting with the kiss._

_The temporary insanity we both felt the first time I told you I loved you. What were we even thinking? We had let Carly get to us way too much. I saw you build the walls back up all over again and it sucked. You were the only person that mattered to me. Breaking up at midnight? Never happened. I knew it wouldn’t. I didn’t lie when I said I loved you. And obviously you didn’t lie either._

_When you told me you’d live with me my whole world changed. I would wake up to you every morning, fall asleep to you every night and see you whenever I got home. I watched you dig through newspapers, search the internet and walk around town just looking around for a new place. Our place. You said you refused to live with my mother longer than you had to. And then you found the apartment. You dragged me to it, forcing me to spend an hour and a half “admiring” it. Really I was admiring you. I had never seen you so excited about anything else. I was happy with whatever you were happy with, and we spent six years there._

_The day you told me you would marry me. I think my favorite taste to this day is cranberry juice._

_The day you showed up to the studio and Jack was flipping a lid. Oh, I’ll never forget that day. I thought for sure Jack was going to fire me. ‘Don’t talk to him like that. He’s not your little bitch. Who do you think you are?’ you said. I had never been more terrified in my life. ‘I’m his boss. Who the hell are you? And what are you doing in my studio?’ I remember telling Mark I was about to die. He laughed and we just stood there watching the two of you. ‘I’m his fiancé and I’m here because I want to be here. Do you have a problem with that? I didn’t think so.’ I remember Jack looking at me. ‘Benson! What the hell is your girlfriend doing in my studio?’ before I could even answer you cut me off. ‘Um, excuse me? Fiancé. And I can speak for myself and I thought I already told you I want to be here. What mama wants, mama gets.’ Mark was trying to hide laughter right next to me. Jack glared at you for a long time before he started laughing. I was so relieved he didn’t fire me. I probably would have killed you if he had._

_The night you nervously mentioned sex. ‘I just want to know what everyone thinks is so great about it.’ You said. Something so simple seemed so complicated. Maybe because I was crazy in love with you. I think I asked you a million times if you really wanted to. Really I just wanted to wait. I didn’t want it to ruin us. Imagine it making us stronger._

_The day you came home from your bachelorette party early because everyone else was trashed and you thought it was stupid to go out on your last night before your wedding. Not that you guys could do much anyway, but you said you’d rather be with me since I was the one you were spending the rest of your life with. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure you were drinking cranberry juice when you walked into the apartment. Spencer, Gibby and Brad all tried to make you leave but you told them (not so kindly) to kiss your ass._

_The day you stood in the church doors nervously and dressed in white. You looked more beautiful than I had ever seen you before. The nerves I was feeling were unbelievable. The whole room was empty and it was only you and me. Knowing that you were the only woman for me. The only one I could imagine spending my whole life with. Even when you laughed through our vows or when you tripped walking back down. Even when you threw that cake in my face. Even when you cracked jokes through our first dance. Even when you told me I had had enough to drink and it was time to ‘chill the fuck out on the liquor.’ You were mine and that’s all I cared about._

_The day I found out you were pregnant with Cassie. My stomach had dropped seeing the tests and then it was like the whole world had opened up to me. We were going to be parents. Even after finding out everything with Brad I was excited. Through your whole pregnancy I just kept convincing myself she was mine. And she was and always will be._

“Freddie!” I had forgotten Sam was in the bathroom. I set the pen down and walked to the bathroom.

“What’s up, babe?”

“Get my hospital bag.”

“What?” I opened the door and she was standing over the most disgusting puddle I had ever seen in my life.

“Freddie, get my hospital bag.” I was about to freak out and she was staying calm. It should be the other way around.

“What the hell is that?”

“Freddie! Do what I told you! Damn!” she had her hand on her stomach.

“The twins?”

“I’m about six seconds from killing you. Let’s GO!”

“But you’re only 34 weeks—“

“Get the hell out of my way I’ll get it myself!”

“No! No. I’ll grab it. Go to the car.”

“No, I thought I’d stand in here all day and hope that the babies come out just fine and dandy of their own free will.” She said sarcastically. I rolled my eyes and ran into our bedroom, grabbing the duffel bag she had packed a week before with everything she would need at the hospital. I ran back out to the livingroom.

“Come on, let’s go.” Her face showed annoyance.

“Will you chill the hell out? You’re starting to freak me—holy shit!” she put her hands on her stomach again and her face twisted in pain.

“Sam?”

“Get me to the hospital RIGHT NOW!”

X *six hours later*

Sam was laying in the hospital bed and I was pacing around the room. She was really irritated, not that I blamed her. Although I had just endured six hours of verbal abuse from her and now I was just enjoying toying with her anger. I would have preferred to be dead at this point anyway.

“Boy I swear if you don’t stop moving around I’m going to fuckin stab you.”

“What do you want me to do, Sam?”

“I want you to die a slow, painful death. I want to literally rip your intestines out right now with my bare hands.”

“That sounds vicious. And painful.”

“Don’t even talk to me about pain, Fredward. I fuckin hate you.”

“What do you hate ME for? You’re the one that was all ‘I want more babies, Freddie.’”

“Come here,” she motioned me closer to her. I stupidly stepped forward and she slapped me.

“Don’t EVER talk to me like that. This is all YOUR fault.”

“I don’t understand how it’s all MY fault. I wanted to wait. You were the one hiding any sort of birth control we had in the entire apartment, Sam.”

“You better shut your mouth real quick, Benson, before I rip your tongue out!”

“I love you,”

“I HATE you!”

“Please say it,”

“Why the hell would I love someone who did this to me?”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be.”

“You are quite possibly the stupidest man on the planet. I literally just want to rip you apart.” The nurse walked in the room right as I rolled my eyes.

“Okay, Sam. Should we check where you are? Maybe we can get you an epidural?”

“Good God, do it.” I said. Sam glared at me.

“Do you give women in labor knives because I could really use one right now.” The nurse laughed.

“No, and it looks like you’re at ten centimeters, Sam. You jumped quick. You’re going to have to do this naturally.

“WHAT?”

“I’m going to get the doctor. We’re going to have some babies. Just hang tight, I’ll be right back.” Fear covered Sam’s face and I took her hand.

“It’s fine, baby. I’ll be right here.”

“Will you open the curtains?” it was a strange request, but since I had already pissed her off AND she was about to give birth to our twins with my hand as her only source to shoot her pain into I decided I’d do it. The sunlight streamed in and Sam smiled for the first time the whole day.

“Now Cassie’s here, too.” The doctor and the nurses came back into the room all dressed and ready to go.

“Ready to meet your twins?”


	41. Chapter 41

Oh my God. Oh my God. That was the only thing going through my head. The twins were coming. They were ready, but were we ready for them? I felt so unprepared now that we were moments away from meeting them. Sam was panicking over the fact that she would be doing this with no pain medication.

“Are you serious? Right now? I’m going to have them right now? But I still have six weeks to go!”

“They’re ready right now, Sam. Just relax. Everything’s fine. Are you ready?” Janet was nodding at Sam and Sam looked at me.

“It’s okay, honey. Remember how long we’ve been waiting for them?”

“Okay Sam. Ready? Just like we talked about. And push.” In that moment there was nothing more beautiful than Sam. I finally understood what I had heard from every father in the world. When they thought they looked their worst they really looked their best. The near breaking of the bones in my hand brought me back to reality and the fact that we were going to have two kids to take care of very soon.

“Oh my GOD this is HORRIBLE!” Sam screamed. I shook my head.

“Come on, babe. Just think of the twins.”

“I AM THINKING OF THE TWINS, JACKASS, OTHERWISE YOU’D BE DEAD!”

“Okay, Sam. Let’s go again.” Janet was so calm. Then again she had dealt with this kind of thing before.

“I HATE you! Literally want to shove you out that window!”

“Good, Sam, now let’s focus some of that anger on the babies. Remember to breathe.” Janet reminded her.  

“Oh my God who tries for this crap?” Sam was determined to make everyone feel as miserable as she did. She layed there, eyes closed and just cried.

“Come on, Sam—“

“No! I don’t want to do this anymore! Just get them out.” I wiped her tears away and she opened her eyes.

“Come on, angel. You’ll feel amazing when you’re holding them just knowing that they wouldn’t be here without you. That you brought them into this world. You know you can do this. You are an unbelievably strong woman. Come on, sweetheart. They’ll be out soon. I promise. They’re ready to meet us and we’re ready to meet them.” The pep talk had worked with Cassie so I hoped it would work now.

“Just cut me open and take them out,”

“No. We’re going to do this the right way. Come on. You nearly broke my hand for them, don’t give up so quick. We aren’t stopping until there are two babies in this room.”

“Sam, the first one is nearly there. Come on. You can do this. Deep breath and push.” Sam was motivated. She just wanted this to be over with so she could sleep.

“Okay, Sam. Good. Give me one more good one,”

July 13 at 1:17 P.M. the best sound in the world filled the room.

“Here’s Liam,” he was so small. I couldn’t believe that he was ours. Our son.

“Oh my God,” Sam whispered. Janet handed Liam to another nurse and turned back to Sam.

“Alright, Sam. One down, one to go. Ready? Deep breath and push.” No complaints. No pep talk. No breaks. Sam was ready for Lily, but Lily was being stubborn. She pushed thirteen times with no luck.

“Sam, just take a short break. Don’t push it.” Sam layed her head back again and put her hands on her stomach.

“Come on, Lily. Mommy wants to meet you.”

“Just relax, babe. If you stress it it won’t happen.”

“Where’s Liam?”

“They’re cleaning him up and whatever.”

“Okay, Sam. You wanna try again?” Janet asked. Sam nodded.

“Let’s do this,”

July 13 at 1:35 P.M.. Lily came, but she didn’t make a sound and in those few seconds after she was born I thought I was dying.

“Come on, Lily…” I whispered. Sam was squeezing my hand again. I could hear her breathing pick up. Time stood still.

And then Lily cried and we cried with her. This time, we were crying for a completely different reason. Instead of wishing we could have them we knew we could. I put my hands on Sam’s face and kissed her.

“You did it, Sam. It’s all done. You carried them for 34 weeks and naturally birthed them. You are so amazing.”

“I love you,” she sniffled. I smiled.

“I love you, too.”

“Sam? Freddie?” I stood up and we both looked at Janet. She had Liam in her arms.

“He’s so small,” Sam noted.

“He’s actually checked out pretty well. He’s 17 inches long 5 pounds 3 ounces. Lily’s 15 inches long 4 pounds 13 ounces. Of course, we do want to do a more thorough exam, but we figured you’d want to officially meet your son.” Janet smiled and handed Liam to Sam. Sam ran her finger down his cheek and just stared at him.

“I can’t believe he was inside of me.” She mumbled.

“You’re incredible.” I told her. She shook her head.

“No. They’re incredible. Liam and Lily,” she looked over to the window, “Cassie’s gone.” The sky had clouded over and the sun had stopped shining. Sam looked heartbroken.

“Here, let me take Liam over there. Maybe she’ll make another appearance.” Having Cassie’s presence was more important than anything. She was physically gone, but never really gone. Sam handed Liam to me and I brought him over to the window. I stared down at him and I’m not ashamed to admit that his face, his perfect face, choked me up. He had Sam’s blonde hair and blue eyes and when he looked at me I felt like the whole world stopped turning. The clouds parted and the sun shined on his face. He looked up at the sky. When I turned I saw Sam smiling.

“Alright, well I’m going to take Liam back into the nursery. Why don’t you two get some rest? We’ll be back in a couple hours with both your babies.” Janet smiled. I brought Liam back to her.

“Wait,” Sam stopped her and she turned around, “can I see him one more time?” Janet brought Liam back to Sam and handed him to her. Sam smiled at him again. Watching her with Liam made me smile. She would be an amazing mother. She kissed his forehead and handed him back to Janet.

“Only two hours, though. Wake me up. I want to see them both.” Janet nodded and took Liam back out of the room.

“You did so great, Samantha Benson.”

“Thank you. Will you text Carly? I’m really tired and want to get some sleep.”

“Yeah. I’ll text everyone. Sleep well, sweetheart. I love you. So much. Even if you were vicious during labor.”

“I love you, too, baby. I’m sor—“

“Don’t say it,” I sighed. I kissed her, “now just get some sleep. Lily and Liam will be back in here when you wake up.”

“Okay. Thank you.” She closed her eyes and I walked to the window with my phone. I opened a new text to my mom, Gibby, Carly and Spencer.

_Liam Andrew Benson July 13, 2013. 1:17 P.M. 5 lbs 3 ounces 17 inches long. Lily Grace Benson July 13, 2013. 1:35 P.M. 4 lbs 13 ounces 15 inches long._

And then another one.

_Sam’s sleeping right now. Liam’s great, haven’t heard about Lily yet. Text you when you can come._

X

Lily was passed out, clearly taking after her mother. Liam was wide awake and we had spent the last hour just staring at each other. Sam was also asleep and Carly was standing by Lily just staring at her.

“Oh my God, Freddie. She looks just like you. Is it possible for one to look like one parent and the other to look like the other?” she was rubbing her finger up and down Lily’s arm. I nodded.

“Apparently because Liam looks just like Sam.”

“I can’t believe you guys have two babies.”

“We have three babies, Carly.”

“I want a baby,” she mumbled. I laughed.

“Wait until they start crying, Carly. You’ll rethink that.”

“Oh hush, they don’t even cry that loud.” Sam had woken up and was no sitting up.

“Hello beautiful. And I know. It’s surprising seeing as they’re your kids.” I laughed again and she rolled her eyes.

“Where’s Lily?”

“By Carly.”

“How long have I been sleeping?”

“I don’t know. Couple hours? Haven’t been keeping track.” I was looking back down at Liam, who had fallen asleep.

“I told you to wake me up when they brought the twins back in here.”

“Relax. They aren’t going anywhere.” I mumbled. I was lost in Liam and was only half paying attention to Sam. At least until she got out of bed.

“Sam—“

“Shut up I’m just going by Lily. I haven’t been staring at the babies for God knows how long.”

“I haven’t either. Just Liam. Carly’s got Lily covered.”

“Oh my God, she’s so cute!” Sam picked Lily up and she woke up. Sam went back to the bed and sat down with Lily in her arms.

“Hi princess. Oh, you are so cute.” She mumbled. I looked at her right as she looked up.

“So…”

“Come over here,” I stood up with Liam, who didn’t wake up, and walked over to the bed to sit next to Sam. She looked at me, down at Liam and then back to Lily before looking up at Carly.

“So,” I said.

“So we’ve been talking and we want you to be the Godmother of Liam and Lily.” Sam blurted out. She didn’t want to build up to it anymore. We’d known for a long time that we would want Carly and only Carly to talk care of our kids if we died. She’s the only one we know would raise them right.

“Are you serious?” she looked surprised.

“Yeah. Are you kidding? You’re the only person that would honor our wishes, Carls.”

“Of course! Oh my God I can’t believe it! I thought you guys didn’t trust me! I was so afraid they were going to go somewhere horrible if you guys died! Like Freddie’s mom!” my mom walked in right as Carly finished her sentence. Sam and I started laughing and Carly’s face turned red as she turned around.

“I—“

“Oh! Are those my grandbabies! Oh my gosh!” the words never seemed to have hit my mom’s ears and she was almost running towards us.

“No tick baths!” Sam demanded. I laughed harder.

“Oh relax, I just want to see them. Oh my gosh, she looks just like you Freddie-bear.” She was gawking over Lily and Sam held her closer protectively.

“How do you know that’s Lily?” I questioned. She rolled her eyes.

“Please. Lily’s much smaller, as you’ve mentioned in your text.”

“Yeah you’re right. She’s really small.”

“Can I hold her?” she asked. I looked at Sam who shook her head, fear in her eyes.

“Not right now. Sam just woke up and she hasn’t really seen Lily at all except for the few seconds before they took her away. But I think Liam wants to meet his grandma.” I handed Liam to my mom and he instantly started crying. Sam tried to hide her laughter.

“He’s just like you Fredward. You started crying the first time I held you, too.”

“Well I guess that says something huh?” Sam laughed.

“Sam!”

“I’m sorry, but how did you expect me to pass that up?” she couldn’t stop laughing and I took Lily from her before she woke her up.

“Lily must be just like Sam. Sleeping all the time.” My mom’s lack of a good comeback was horrible. Sam raised her eyebrows and stopped laughing.

“Wow, that was awesome. You should get an award for the lamest insult in the whole world.”

“You should get an award for the worst attitude.”

“Just stop. You’re hurting my brain.”

“You’re—“

“Mom just stop. You’ll never out-argue Sam.” I cut her off. She looked back down at Liam before giving up and handing him back to Sam. He instantly stopped crying.

“You’re definitely mommy’s son. Don’t worry, Liam, I won’t let grandma scar you.” Sam said in baby talk. My mom glared at her.

“Sam, she didn’t scar me.” Liam started crying again.

“He’s calling you a liar, daddy.” She laughed. Lily woke up and started crying with Liam and Sam looked between them.

“What’s wrong with them?” Sam asked. Janet walked into the room.

“Hello mommy and daddy. Ready to feed them?”

“What? Feed? As in bottles and stuff?” Sam was staring at Janet and Janet laughed.

“Yes. You ready? They’re hungry.” Sam looked at me and I nodded. I stood up with Lily and she stood up with Liam and we followed Janet.

“So, you’ll put the water in the bottle first. You mix the formula in and then you can either stick it in a bottle warmer if you have one or—“

“We have one. We have everything the stores and websites would let us buy.” Sam interrupted. Janet smiled.

“Well then, keep it in there for maybe a minute and always test it before you give it to them. It should be lukewarm before you give it to them.” She put the one bottle in the bottle warmer and the twins continued to scream. Sam was rocking Liam back and forth trying to calm him down.

“How do you test a bottle when you’re holding a baby?” Sam asked, looking down at Liam.

“You don’t need to hold the baby or babies when you’re making the bottle. Of course, when you’re feeding them you should be holding them. If both of them are hungry and Freddie isn’t home and you can’t get anyone else to come over you can set them in a laying position to feed them both,” Janet answered. She pulled the first bottle out of the bottle warmer. Sam and I looked at each other, “Who’s going first?” Janet looked from me to Sam back to me and then Sam sighed and took the bottle from her.

“So, how do I do this testy thing when I’m holding him?”

“Well, here. Set him in here for a second.” She took Liam from Sam and set him in his incubator before turning back to her.

“So, just flip your arm over so your wrist is facing up. Let a few drops touch your wrist and if it’s not lukewarm either let it cool down or put it back in the bottle warmer for a few more seconds. Test every time you’re going to feed them. Even if you have to warm it up more or let it cool down.” Lily had calmed down and she was looking at Sam. She was intrigued.

“How do I know if it’s too hot?” Sam asked. Janet took the bottle and tested it.

“This is fine. If it feels hotter or colder than this you want to heat it up or cool it down. Now just take Liam,” Sam picked Liam up and smiled at him. Liam just stared at her and started crying again. She sighed and Janet handed her the bottle. She popped it in his mouth.

“You are your mother’s son.” She told him. I laughed.

“Alright Freddie, you aren’t off the hook.” She handed me a bottle and suddenly I was nervous. I hadn’t dealt with a lot of babies, and they mostly all hated me anyway. With Lily it was different. She was crabby because she was hungry, not because of me, “alright, so this is the temperature you want the bottle at.” I shifted Lily and she dripped the liquid on my arm. It felt weird. I nodded and she gave me the bottle which I put in Lily’s mouth. She looked at me and the room was quiet except for babies sucking on bottles.

“They’re happy babies now,” Sam laughed.

“And we’re a happy family.” I said as I looked at her. She nodded.

“We are a very happy family.”

X

After learning how to burp the babies (we traded the twins to burp them) Lily fell asleep again. Liam was wide awake and Sam had him laying on the bed and she was sitting pretzel legged in front of him. She was putting his hands over his face and then moving them away. She’d gasp every time she pulled his hands away and start laughing. Spencer had shown up when we were feeding them but him and Carly had gone to get something to eat. Gibby texted me and told me he couldn’t make it but he’d come see them whenever he could and my mom was standing by Lily stroking her head. I was laying on the cot in the room. I was tired.

“Liam, where’s daddy?” Sam was messing around.

“Daddy’s tired.”

“So is mommy,”

“Mommy slept. Daddy’s taking a nap while mommy plays with her son.”

“Mommy thinks daddy needs to remember he helped make you,” she smiled at Liam again.

“Daddy remembers,” I smirked and she threw a pillow at me.

“Don’t be gross.”

“Hey, you brought it up.” I laughed.

“I always bring it up,” she snickered. I looked at my mom. She was shaking her head.

“Oh, baby, I love it when you talk dirty.”

“Fredward!” my mom looked horrified and it made Sam and I laugh harder.

“Okay, babe. I’ll wake you up when they start crying again.” Sam joked. I laughed.

“I’m sure I’ll wake up when they start crying without your help, honey.”

“Sleep well. Enjoy it while you can.”

“I will.”

And then I was surrounded by darkness.


	42. Chapter 42

When I woke up it was dark. The room was dark except for a small light in the corner by the twins. I looked at the clock. It was 10:03 at night and Sam was passed out. Lily was crying so I got up and walked over to her.

“What’s wrong Lily?” I picked her up and she quieted down, “oh you just want attention. Just like your mommy.” She started crying again and I sighed. This is when it started. Sam stirred but never woke up. Janet walked into the room.

“Hey,” she said quietly. I laughed. I had no idea how we were going to do this outside of the hospital, especially since it was like Janet was extra sensitive to the twins crying. She always appeared.

“How do I know what she wants?” I asked her. She smiled.

“Trial and error. It’s how you’ll learn their cries. Here, she’s hungry,” She grabbed a bottle and handed it to me, “do you remember what I told you earlier?”

“Yeah.”

“Well come on, daddy, Lily’s waiting.” She joked. I put Lily in her incubator and made her bottle. Janet watched me and then laughed.

“Nice job for a newbie.”

“Hey, you haven’t been married to Sam.” I took Lily out of her incubator and brought her across the room and sat down with her. She was a happy baby now that she was being fed. Janet smiled.

“You know, from the day I met you and Sam I knew you two would be amazing parents. Even though you two bicker at each other the love is so obvious. I’m very happy that you guys have two healthy babies now. Small, but healthy. It’s unusual, but I got so attached to you guys. You two have never stopped amazing me. I felt so guilty after I found out Cassie had died. It didn’t make sense. I spent weeks researching and going through all the results of the tests but I couldn’t find anything to give you guys.”

“You’ve been more helpful than you think. You’ve been almost like a mother figure to Sam. Her mom sucks and we’re the only people in our group of friends who have kids. At least by your calmness and jokes she feels comfortable.”

“Well you two are doing great so far. Hit the nurse button if you need anything.”

“Don’t you ever go home?”

“Sometimes. Actually my husband is in the hospital. He had his appendix taken out so I’m here with him. Just thought I’d come check on you guys.”

“Thanks. We’re all good. I’ll be doing this all night so Sam can sleep. Soon enough she’ll be responsible for both of them when I go back to work.”

“Well you have a good night, Freddie.”

“Thanks. You too.” I looked back down at Lily and she was asleep. I pulled the bottle away and she woke up and gave me the same exact pout Sam gave me when she didn’t get her way. It was going to interesting watching the twins grow up if they were anything like Sam. I put the bottle back in her mouth and she fell asleep again.

“Oh, Lily. You are exactly like your mother.”

“Good, at least she won’t be a nub then,” Sam said sleepily. She sat up and yawned, “bring her here.” I shook my head.

“She’s sleeping, just leave her alone.”

“Bring her here. Now. I’m not messing around.”

“I know you’re not messing around but she’s sleeping so just leave her be. There’s no reason to wake her up again.”

“I’m her mommy,”

“Yeah, I get that. I was standing there when you gave birth to her remember?”

“You’re a jerk.”

“No I’m not. Just stop. You’re going to wake her up. Then you can deal with her screaming.”

“Gladly. Now give me my baby.”

“Sam—“

“Come on, I just want to hold her.” I sighed, realizing there was no point arguing with her because eventually I would just give her Lily so she’d shut up. I stood up and handed Lily off to Sam.

“By the way, Jack called. I told him you were sleeping. He told me to tell you to call him when you woke up. Said he’d be up late.” Sam was looking down at Lily.

“Fantastic,” I mumbled, picking up my phone, “I’ll be right back.” I went in the hallway and dialed Jack’s number.

“Benson, about time you wake up.”

“Yeah, just trying to get sleep while I can.”

“I hear you. Congrats on the twins. Hey, I really only called to tell you I have a job for you,” I rolled my eyes. Anytime Jack said he had a job for someone it ended up being something really stupid.

“What’s that, Jack?”

“Well, there’s this report coming up for the news show next week about new studies popping up about twins and since you just had twins I figured you and Sam could bring them in to be on the show.”

“I don’t know, Jack. They’re small. I don’t even know how much time we’re going to spend in here, let alone them. And I don’t know if we’re ready to be putting our twin’s faces on everyone’s television set.”

“It would be interesting. Besides, everyone wants to meet them. Carly went on and on to Michael about them I guess. She’s crazy, Benson. Why’d you let me hire her?”

“Because she’s good in front of a camera?”

“Oh, that’s right. Anyway, I’m going to bed. See you whenever.”

“What do you mean see you whenever?”

“Well, I certainly don’t expect you to rush back here when Sam and/or the twins are in the hospital.”

“Why are you suddenly being so nice to me, Jack?”

“Because you’ve done great things at our show and you remind me of myself. These few days won’t affect you at all. You’ll still be more successful than anyone ever thought you would be.

“Wow. Thanks?” I heard more crying, “I gotta go. I think Liam’s awake.”

“Good luck,” I barely heard him finish before I hung up the phone. I walked into the room and Sam was already on it.

“Get some rest, babe. I can do this.” I told her. She shook her head.

“No. I know you’re excited about the twins but I need to help take care of them and learn them. Besides, I like doing this. It gives me time to get to know their personalities.” She smiled at Liam and then Lily before turning back to the bottle warmer.

“Shouldn’t be hard. Lily’s exactly like you.”

“Let’s hope not because this mama does not want any sneaky nubs stealing her heart,”

“Sneaky nubs? That’s new.”

“Hey. You came out of nowhere, Benson. Like all the sudden you’re less nerdy and more…hot. I think you called it puberty.”

“Oh yeah.” I winked at her and she laughed.

“Go back to bed,” she said while shaking her head. I kissed her cheek.

“Fine, but you have to let me help you sometimes, Sam. This isn’t a one person job yet. When I go back to work you’ll have plenty of screaming baby to go around.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

X

“Freddie, wake up.” Sam was shaking me and when I opened my eyes the sun was barely rising.

“What’s up?”

“I can’t figure out what’s wrong and they’re both screaming,” I couldn’t believe I didn’t hear them before. I looked at the clock. 5:10 A.M. I walked over to the twins.

“What’s wrong, kiddos?”

“They can’t talk, Freddie.” She snapped. She must have been up for a while. I picked Lily up.

“Um, Sam? Maybe you should call the nurses in here.”

“Why?”

“Did you even pick them up? They smell horrible.” I set Lily back in her incubator and Sam pressed the nurse button. We should have known Janet would walk in, but I guess we were just too tired.

“Hey guys. Ready for another lesson?”

“How do you just KNOW what they want?” Sam asked. She was in a bad mood now. I put my arm around her.

“You should have woken me up sooner, babe.”

“You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Okay guys, pick up the babies and let’s bring them over to the changing tables.” I picked Lily up again and Sam picked Liam up and we followed Janet across the room.

“Okay, the first baby poop happens within 24 hours after the baby is born. It’s called meconium. It’s usually greenish-black. Kind of tar like. It’s basically what your babies have been holding inside their little bodies while in the womb.” Sam looked disgusted and I couldn’t imagine even having to look at that stuff.

“Wait, they don’t poop in there?” Sam was staring at Janet and Janet laughed.

“No. If they did they could inhale it and then they could get sick. So, just lay them down and we’ll go through this.” Lily, who had stopped fussing a bit while being held, started screaming again as soon as I set her down.

“She’s such a daddy’s girl.” Sam complained. I chuckled.

“Okay, so you don’t have to take their clothes off completely. Just unsnap the bottom part and pull it up far enough where you can see the tabs on the diapers.”

“These are ridiculously small clothes,” I mumbled. Janet nodded.

“Well, the twins are small. They wear premie clothes.”

“What does premie mean?” Sam asked her. She was smiling at Liam.

“It means they were born before full term. Anything 37 weeks and up is considered full term. Before that it’s usually premie or miscarriage and sometimes stillborn. Although, stillborn can be at any point in a pregnancy. Anyway, so I’m assuming you guys know how to take a diaper off and put one on.”

“This is horrible, I do NOT want to see what this child can produce.” Sam muttered. Janet laughed again. She was right. It looked like tar and I wondered how the hell you got this off of them.

“Oh my God. What the hell could possibly produce this?”

“Remember they were in there for 34 weeks. Whatever Sam consumed so did they. It’s also old blood and skin cells. Anything that could get into their stomach while Sam was pregnant.”

“This is disgusting. This is just the first one right? Not all of them?” Sam was looking away from Liam and it almost made me laugh.

“Well, it will take a little while to clear out of their systems but it’s not forever.” Janet answered.

“When can we start potty training them?” I knew Sam wasn’t serious, she was just out of it.

“Alright, well let’s just change them so they stop screaming, Sam. Then we can worry about everything else, like, two years from now.”

“Alright, so you’ll take the baby wipe and wipe down. Don’t wipe up, especially on Lily. She could get an infection.” Sam shook her head and kept looking away from Liam.

“This is beyond normal. So beyond.”

“Oh, just relax, Sam. It’s just a baby.”

“Bite me,”

“When and where baby girl?” I smirked. Sam laughed and shook her head.

“Alright, so before you move the dirty diaper you want to have another one ready just in case.” She handed Sam a clean diaper and then me. Once Lily was all changed and dressed again she stopped crying. I picked her up.

“You don’t cry very loud Lily.” I laughed. She looked at me and then closed her eyes and went back to sleep. Liam was wide awake now and he was crying again.

“Your son,” I laughed. Sam rolled her eyes and shook her head before walking back to the bottles. I threw the dirty diapers away.

Sam fed Liam and he fell right back asleep.

X *two days later*

_Hey, I’m here. Brought Michael. Hope that’s okay._

Carly had come to the hospital every day. She always came after work and stayed until 11:00 at night. Then she’d go home and sleep and do it all over again. I rolled my eyes. I didn’t want work people here.

“Carly’s here and she brought Michael.” I told Sam. The smile she had on her face from playing with Lily faded quickly.

“Why’d she bring her stupid boyfriend?” she spoke roughly like it was my fault.

“I don’t know. She’s Carly.”

“Whatever.” Sam looked back down at Lily and started playing with her again. I was feeding Liam and he was just looking around. Both twins were wide awake now and we loved it. There was a knock on the door and Carly walked in with Michael right behind her.

“Hey, oh my God they’re both awake.” She walked over to Lily and Sam stared at her.

“What did you bring your thing for?” she motioned towards Michael.

“Sam!” I warned. She ignored me.

“What? It’s not like everyone in the world needs to meet the twins just because they work with you or they’re dating Carly or Spencer or Gibby or whoever. Jeez. We haven’t even left the—“

“Sam, my car broke down and Michael had to come and get me for work and then since I always come to the hospital to see my best friends and my Godchildren he offered to bring me here. Okay with you or do you want me to leave?”

“No. I want him to leave.”

“Well are you planning on driving me home, Sam?” Janet walked into the room and we looked up.

“Hey Carly, who’s your friend?”

“My boyfriend. Michael.”

“Hi Michael. I’m Janet. Nice to meet you.” Michael looked nervously at her. I rolled my eyes.

“How are the twins today?”

“Wide awake and happy.” Sam smiled at Lily again.

“Alright, Sam. Tomorrow you and Liam will be discharged.”

“What about Lily?” she looked at Janet.

“Lily will have to stay here a little longer. She’s not gaining weight as well as Liam is. We just want to watch her a bit.”

“So we have to leave her?” she looked back down at Lily. Janet gave a sad smile.

“Just for a little bit. We want to make sure she’s doing good enough to go home.”

“Well, can’t we just stay in here until she can go home?”

“Sorry, Sam. You and Liam are ready. The hospital won’t let us keep you two.”

“But she’s my baby. How do they expect me to just leave her here?”

“It’s only for a few days I’m sure. You can still come up and hang out with her. You aren’t banned from the hospital. You’re just discharged.” Janet looked between me and Sam and then left. I handed Liam to Carly and walked over to Sam. She was staring at Lily.

“Honey—“

“Who just makes parents leave their kids in a hospital?”

“It’s just for her safety. Just relax.”

“I don’t want to leave without her,” she picked Lily up off the bed and held her closer to her.

“She’ll be home before we know it.”

X

Liam was all dressed up and packed away to leave. Sam was sitting on the bed with Lily. She had cried all night last night but now she was just staring at her.

“Sam, we have to go.” I whispered. Janet said we should take tonight to get Liam adjusted at home and promised she’d be here all night checking on Lily. They were moving her to a different room.

“I can’t leave her here.”

“Come on, sweetheart. Janet will be watching her and we can come up here as soon as we wake up tomorrow morning.” I watched her kiss Lily’s forehead and then she whispered something to her. She stood up and put Lily in her incubator and walked out of the room, not even bothering to wait or look back. I grabbed her bag, the diaper bag and Liam and followed her. Janet was in the hallway with Sam.

“She’ll be fine. I’ll be checking on her every hour and if anything happens, not that it will, I will call you. Just focus on Liam tonight. Get him adjusted and when you come back up in the morning I will give you an update on Lily.” Janet looked at me and smiled, then leaned over Liam.

“Bye Liam.” She said. I laughed. She really was the only person who could get it through to Sam. Sam never argued with her. Sam took her bag and the diaper bag and we walked out of the hospital. She played with Liam in the backseat on the way back to the apartment. Not that she wasn’t in love with Liam, but she was just trying to distract herself. Every few minutes she’d glance out the back window. I pulled up to the apartment and Sam sighed. We were home.

“Come on, Liam.” She climbed out of the car and walked to the other side. She unhooked the carseat and pulled Liam out of the car. I followed her upstairs with her bag and the diaper bag and unlocked the door. She set the carseat on the floor in front of the couch and took Liam out of it.

“We’re home, Liam.” She was smiling and walking around with him. She looked so natural. I smiled and she looked at me.

“What?”

“Nothing.” She smiled, rolling her eyes and walked into the nursery with Liam. I looked around the apartment. Once the twins were both here everything would be different. I followed Sam into the nursery and she was sitting in the rocking chair with him and he was falling asleep.

“We got this.” I laughed. She nodded.

“We got this.”


	43. Chapter 43

It had been three days since we left the hospital. Lily was still really small and we grew more worried every day she was in the hospital. Janet didn’t have much to tell us. She just kept saying they were keeping track of her weight and how much she ate, but that was about all she told us. It was frustrating. Sam was sitting in the chair in the corner feeding Lily.

“Why won’t you grow, Lily bug?” Liam was asleep in his carseat and I was laying on the cot in the room watching Sam. I felt like I had gotten no sleep lately. Sam had brought almost every single thing of Lily’s to the hospital without even thinking of how we were going to bring it all back. Lily was falling asleep again. She slept a lot more than Liam did.

“You look exhausted, babe.” Sam noted. I nodded.

“I am.”

“So sleep. I can handle babies, despite what you believe.”

“I never said you couldn’t,” I mumbled.

“Go to sleep. Liam and Lily are sleeping. It’s no big deal. I got this.”

“Wake me up if you need me.”

“Yup. I’ll jump right on that,” she said sarcastically. I rolled my eyes.

“Don’t talk dirty in front of the babies,” I laughed. She shook her head.

“Bite me,”

“Bear it and share it,” I smirked. She laughed.

“Go to sleep.”

“Sure, sure.” I closed my eyes and in a matter of minutes I was asleep.

X

I woke up when I heard Liam start crying. Realistically I had only slept for 20 minutes. This was my life now. Sam had just layed Lily in her incubator and was walking over to Liam. I yawned.

“Sam—“

“Let me take care of him. You never let me take care of him.”

“Fine, whatever.” I was too tired to argue and it was nice to not be getting up to take care of him. Sam took him out of his carseat.

“You’s a crabby baby,” she smiled. It didn’t work. Liam continued to scream.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to do that?” I asked her. She rolled her eyes.

“Will you let me be a mom please? I know you just want to do as much as you can before you go back to work but you can’t just do everything and then throw them on me and expect me not to get nervous and freak out and call you every ten and a half seconds,” she dug through his diaper bag, “relax Liam, mommy’s going to take care of you.” I stood up. She was never going to get everything out of the bag while holding Liam.

“Just let me help you,” she stood up again, adjusted Liam, and rolled her eyes.

“Why won’t you let me do anything?”

“Sam, don’t start. You aren’t going to be able to hold onto him and take the bottle out and the formula and the burp rag all while he’s screaming like that.”

“How do you know? You don’t let me take care of him. You barely let me take care of Lily. Babe, you said it yourself. Soon you’re going to be going back to work and I’ll have them both at home with me while you’re gone. If you won’t let me take care of them now how am I supposed to do it when you go back to work?”

“Sam—“

“Look, I know you think you’re helping but you’re not. We’re a team. You have to let me do this at least half the time. You have to let me get up with him, feed him, change him, burp him, get him dressed. And when Lily’s home you have to let me do the same things with her. You’re a great dad, Freddie, you have nothing to prove to me or them. Now let me be a mother. I may just surprise you.” She smiled and took the bottle from my hand, leaving me in shock.

“I’m…sorry? I just thought—“

“I know what you thought, babe. Just relax. Get some sleep. You never sleep anymore.”

“I can’t sleep. I’m awake now. Whenever one of them cries I wake up.”

“Well do something other than staring at me.”

“Ha! Right. Stop being so beautiful.”

“I’m going to start counting all the nubby lines that come out of your mouth.” She was trying to hide a smile because she wanted to continue being irritated. I laughed.

“You do that.” After a short knock, Janet walked into the room.

“Hey guys, how’s it going?” Sam and I looked at each other and started laughing again. Janet shook her head with a smile.

“Hey, so I wanted to talk to you guys,” Sam’s smile dropped as quickly as it had appeared on her face and the concern Janet was showing made me worry there was something very wrong with Lily.

“What’s up?” Sam sat in the chair with Liam, who was staring up at her. Her eyes bore into Janet.

“We’ve been trying to figure out why Lily hasn’t been gaining weight like Liam has. Obviously she’s considerably smaller, but she seems to eat just as often as he does. When she eats, she takes in just as much as Liam does so her weight should be going up,”

“Quit with the nonsense we already know this.” Sam’s breathing had picked up and her eyebrows furrowed in anger as she stared at Janet. Something was bound to push her over the edge sooner than later, and I was more afraid that whatever Janet said would be that something than I was to hear what was actually going on. Janet sighed.

“We ran some tests on Lily last night after you guys left. We didn’t want to freak you out when you were here in case it was nothing and she just wasn’t getting the nutrition, but we did do some tests and Lily has Cystic Fibrosis.” I had never heard of it before. It was something completely new that I knew nothing about.

“She has what?” Sam looked over at Lily and then back at Janet.

“Cystic Fibrosis. To put it simply it’s a disease that causes the mucus in the lungs that would catch and get rid of the germs that come into the lungs to be thicker than it’s supposed to be. So it still catches the germs, but doesn’t get rid of them. It also affects her salt levels and fat intake. The reason she isn’t gaining weight is because the enzymes that digest the food for her are blocked in the pancreas by thick mucus.” I shook my head and looked at the ceiling.

 _“Really God? Could you possibly make things worse for us? Why don’t you just strike me with lightning right now?”_ Cassie had died. Lily was sick. Something about the coincidence of my two girls being the only ones with the problems struck me as odd.

“Sooo….what? Now you’re telling me I’m going to have to sit back and watch her die too? Fantastic. Why don’t you just stop telling me all this stuff because this is getting ridiculous.”

“No, Sam. She’s not going to die because of it. People with CF live happy lives. She’ll just need extra care.”

“Extra care like what? Every other week she’s in the hospital? Can’t I just have ONE good, normal, happy ending pregnancy? Is that really too much to ask for?” she layed Liam back down in the carseat and started to walk out the door. Janet stopped her.

“Listen to me, Sam. This isn’t the end of the world. People live with this all the time. Lily is a special little girl. She’ll fight through this. Walking away from this isn’t going to change it. She’ll still have it when you come back.”

“What do you even know? Nothing! All you do is work in a hospital and tell people bad news all day! How do you expect me to act, Janet? You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know anything that I’ve had to go through just to have the family that we always wanted and guess what? I don’t even have that family! I’m constantly having things thrown in my face. It’s never going to stop! Why don’t you stop pretending you’re my friend and just face the fact that all you are is a nurse that keeps telling me things I don’t need to or want to hear!” Right now Sam had two emotions: anger and sadness. She used anger as a resort to get away from the pain she felt but didn’t want to feel, and when she did that there was no stopping the words in her brain from coming out of her mouth.

“You’re right, Sam. I don’t know what it’s like to lose my baby. I don’t know what it’s like to hear bad news all the time. I don’t know what it’s like to be you. But I do know about Cystic Fibrosis and I know how to take care of someone who has it. I know all the statistics, I know the facts. I know everything you could possibly want to know about it. So, you can walk away from me and Freddie and your kids or you can sit down and let me tell you what I know so you can take care of Lily.” Sam looked around the room and then reluctantly went back to the chair. Liam was asleep, so she didn’t bother picking him up again.

“Alright, lesson one…”

It was going to be a long day.

X

“Benson! What are you doing here?” Jack looked pissed. I hadn’t been to work in a while, and I was kind of missing it. Actually, that was a lie.

“Sam wants the day with the babies by herself and I don’t feel like sitting at home all day while she’s up at the hospital.”

“Lily still in there?”

“Yup. What’s up boss? You look peeved.”

“This damn Michael and Carly thing. The two of them couldn’t be less professional if they tried. I have half a mind to kick them both out the door.”

“I’ll go talk to them.” Getting away from Jack when he was mad was the only option anybody had. Usually something had to be made up just to get away from him, but I really was going to rip a new one into the two of them, especially Carly. They were both sitting at the anchor table. Michael had the ever-present ‘I hate everything’ look that he had had for a while. It must have gotten worse after this whole Carly being a stupid person thing. Carly, who was usually upbeat, was looking down at her hands.

“Hey, look around,” they looked up at me and then looked around the studio before returning their confused gazes back to my face, “this is a news studio, not your house. Get over your stupid little crap and do your job. You’re both pissing Jack off and when he’s pissed off everyone else is pissed off. So cut it out.”

“But—“

“Don’t even talk to me, Carly. I’m not impressed. How could you do that to Sam? You know what? It doesn’t even matter. We’re at work. When we’re at work it’s about our jobs and doing what we were hired to do. When you leave the studio you can worry about your normal life.” It was weird for me to be so mad about something so stupid, but I wasn’t going to stand around and argue about it. I walked over to Mark.

“How are the kiddos?” he asked me, stepping away from the camera. I shrugged.

“They’re okay I guess,” I looked into the screen on the camera and saw Carly and Michael fighting again. I rolled my eyes.

“You okay, boss?”

“I’m fine. Just tired. And annoyed. But whatever,” I looked up again, “HEY! You two wanna shut up or you wanna leave?” the both quickly turned away from each other with their arms folded across their chests. I sighed and turned back to Mark. He was looking at me like I was crazy.

“What are you even doing here? Shouldn’t you be at the hospital?”

“Someone has to tell you guys what to do,” I laughed. He smiled and shook his head.

“I think Jack has had it pretty well covered.”

“Whatever you say,” I walked away to check Eliza’s camera.

“Your twins are so cute!” I smiled.

“Thank you.” I looked into the screen on her camera.

“How are they doing?”

“Okay. It’s complicated. I’d rather not get into it.”

“Whatever floats your boat.”

“Yup, my boats happily floating,” I looked back to the anchor table. Jack was standing in front of Carly and Michael. His face was red and I could just imagine what he was yelling at them. I yawned. I really should try to get more sleep at night, but I hated the thought of waking Sam up to get Liam. Waking Sam up was dangerous, almost deadly. Jack stormed back over to his chair.

“Let’s go. Mark, cue!” Mark looked at Jack and then turned to Michael and Carly.

“In 5, 4, 3, 2.”

X

“Benson!” I rolled my eyes. Was it possible to be more annoyed? Probably not.

“What?”

“Good Morning America called me a few days ago. They’re looking for a new executive producer over there.”

“So now I hire for them too?” I wanted to finish cutting together the show for tonight. Sam had texted me and told me she was having fun with the twins, but she needed a break. I missed them, and I hadn’t even been gone that long. Leaving them was the hardest thing to do.

“No. But I put your name into their heads.”

“For what?”

“Because I think you could do great. You’re not stuck in Seattle forever. Sometimes you have to get out of your hometown and explore different areas of the world.” I wanted to tell him to go away, but listening to him talk about me leaving Seattle was something I didn’t expect to hear.

“I’m not leaving. There’s too much here. Cassie’s grave is here. Lily and Liam and Sam are here. Our home is here. This is where I belong, not somewhere else.”

“Freddie, you have to make your start somewhere.”

“I’ve made my mark here and I don’t care about some big, fancy show in New York. That’s not where I want to be.”

“At least consider it. I know this would be a great opportunity for you and you’d be stupid to pass it up.”

“Okay, you know what Jack? I know you’ve done all this before and you know what you’re talking about but I have a family. I can’t just up and drag them across the country for some stupid job. Especially since Lily’s sick. This is where we need to be in order to have people around us who can help us out when we need it. There is NOBODY in New York that we know that could help us. I think it’s awesome that you’re trying to help me get my name out there and whatever and I appreciate it but I honestly don’t want to be anywhere else.”

“Well, think about it and get back to me.” He walked out of the office and I rolled my eyes. This was ridiculous. There was no way Sam would ever go for something like this.

Or so I thought.


	44. Chapter 44

This is when I got a beta :) and she's awesome.

X

Sam was asleep in the chair with Liam. I was keeping a close eye on both of them in case they needed me, but both looked content so I just sat quietly, trying to clear my head. I had a lot on my mind and I knew Sam was starting to get suspicious. Soon she’d be drilling with me questions; demanding answers and I didn’t have any to give her. My already hectic life had just gotten even more complicated.

Since he first mentioned the position with ‘Good Morning America’ in New York, Jack had approached me every single day; practically begging me to take it.  He’d listed all the benefits, including a significant raise in pay and completely covering the cost of relocation. When that hadn’t worked he’d told me I’d be an idiot not to take it. He made it sound so easy. ‘All you have to do is say yes’ he said, but I knew there was more to it than that. All I had to do is leave behind everything familiar and comforting and important; all my memories, my family and the last 24 years of my life. That was the only requirement. Uproot and change not only my entire life but Sam’s as well. Not only start over somewhere completely unfamiliar with no help, but leave behind the grave of our daughter. We obviously couldn’t just transfer Cassie’s casket to a new city because we moved. I couldn’t imagine leaving her behind; regardless of the fact that it had been over a year since I lost her. Even if I could manage to leave everything else behind for something I didn’t need but always wanted I couldn’t bear to leave her, I needed to be in the same city as the small area of land that held the shell of her.

Janet would be here soon to update us on Lily’s progress. We were excited to bring her home and I was hoping today would be a day of good news. I wanted to hear that we could all go home as a family, away from this stupid hospital and every negative memory it held for us. Away from the always watching nurses and doctors who didn’t think we could manage Lily’s Cystic Fibrosis on our own. I had never had a dislike for hospitals before, but the more time I spent here the more the place bugged me.

Lily was wide awake and alert. She was spending more time awake now and the small progress seemed like a huge milestone to us. She had gained a little weight, but was still much smaller than Liam. Janet told us if she kept it up she would be out sooner than later. I was hoping today would be the sooner. When she was old enough to notice boys I would put bars on her window, lock her in her room; even homeschool her if I had to; I would never let any other boy or man take my place. But until then, I planned to dress her up and show her off the world. Now that I finally had her and Liam, they were my priority – the most important thing in my life; another reason New York was a bad idea. Too many boys running around like they’re some kind of gangsters trying to pick up innocent little girls; too many pedophiles and rapists and killers. It just wasn’t a good city.

I wondered if Sam would show the same concern about Liam as I did about Lily. Would she worry about girls beating down our door? Would she worry about him growing up and trying to be one of those punky kids that got into trouble and did drugs? Well, she probably wouldn’t care so much about the trouble making but I was sure her concern about his safety was equal to mine. After losing Cassie we felt like the luckiest people in the world to have the twins. We loved them more than words.

I was thinking way too far ahead. First we had to get through them being babies, toddlers, children; we had years to plan how to keep them safe and little forever. For now they were our babies; tiny combinations of Sam and I that we were allowed to have; the angels that lived.

 Sam moved, almost as if I had said her name out loud instead of thinking it in my head. Her eyes opened and she yawned, smiling down at Liam in her arms. He stayed asleep and the quietness was nice. He had been really fussy lately.

“Why are you just staring at me?” she yawned again. I shrugged.

“Just because,” I took a risk and looked into her eyes. I knew that would be the start to a whole line of questions. She just wanted to start off simple. She thought if she asked innocent questions I would answer the harder ones she threw at me later.

“You’re a bad liar. Did you think I would drop him or something?”

“No, sweetheart. I just enjoy watching you sleep.”

“Well, whatever. So…” she was hoping I would just spill everything without her having to pry. Sometimes it worked. Rarely. But sometimes. I didn’t know why I was so against bringing it up to her. Maybe because I was afraid of what would come out of her mouth when I did. Sam had a way of turning around and saying the opposite of what I expected her to say.

“So…” it was a lame response, but I didn’t care. She laid Liam in his carseat before walking over to me and sitting in my lap.

“What’s bothering you, baby? You’ve been really distant and quiet the last three days.”

 I sighed, avoiding her gaze. “Nothing really. Just have a lot on my mind lately now that I’m back at work.” I wasn’t lying to her; I just wasn’t telling her what she wanted to hear. But I knew trying to hide anything from her was a waste of time. If she really wanted the details she’d just nag me about it until I told her.

“Like what?”

“Don’t worry about it, babe. Seriously, it’s not important.” It wasn’t important because I wasn’t going to take that job. I wasn’t even going to worry about that job. All I cared about was my family and what was best for them and moving to New York for some stupid job was not on the ‘best for them’ list. She laid her head on my shoulder and I could feel her breath on my neck.

“It’s important to me,” she mumbled; her lips against my neck. If Sam knew she wouldn’t get her way easily she used everything she had to make my mind go crazy until I told her or gave her whatever she wanted.

“Stop that,”

“Stop what?”

“You know what. We’re in the hospital. Lily’s wide awake. This is not the time or place.” She was quiet for a minute.

“Ohhh…you mean THAT.” She laughed and pulled herself closer to me, wrapping her arms around my neck, kissing the spot behind my ear.

“Sam…”

“Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll leave you alone.”

“You know, I don’t think it’s very fair for you to use my inability to resist you against me; especially when you’re off limits for the next five or more weeks.” I took her hand and she laughed again.

“Mama doesn’t play fair. Please… just tell me. I hate seeing you being eaten alive by some internal debate you won’t let me help you with.”

“Honey—“

“Is it because of the ‘Good Morning America’ thing?” she caught me off guard. I knew I hadn’t told her about that.

“Where did you—“

“Jack told me. He called me yesterday. Why does it bug you so much? It’s not even a question. You should do it.” I rolled my eyes and she moved her head and looked straight into my face.

“Sam, that’s not an option.”

“Why isn’t it? Baby, do you know how big that is; how long you’ve dreamed about getting this kind of opportunity?”

“Because our life is here. Everything is here. I don’t want to move across the country. I can’t just pack everything up and expect you to pack everything up and go to New York for a job I already have here. It’s just a bigger show and I don’t care about it.”

“Yes you do. You’ve talked about making it big since we started dating. This is your chance. What difference does it make if we have to move? It’s not the first time and probably not the last and I will always be wherever you are and so will Cassie and Lily and Liam.”

“Sam, Cassie is here in Seattle. She’s not in New York or California or Florida. She’s here. We belong here. It’s really not something I care about anymore. You and the kids are all I care about. Just don’t jump ahead of this, babe. I don’t want it. I have everything I want right here.”

“I don’t want you to pass this up just because of us, Freddie.”

“You aren’t making the internal debate much easier, Samantha Benson.”

“There shouldn’t even be a debate. You should be doing what you need to do to reach your goals. You got hired at the studio right out of high school, Freddie. That was step one. Step two is go for something bigger and better, get your name out there, work for bigger companies and eventually direct a television show. You can’t do that here. You’re going to have to really put yourself out there and risk everything to get there. Jack obviously thinks you can do it so there’s no reason to second guess it anymore.”

“Sam—“

She reached out to place my face in her hands, “Freddie, listen to me, you’ve dedicated yourself to taking care of me and our family. You’ve worked hard, sacrificed and dealt with things that no one should have ever had to. I am so proud of you, proud to be your wife, proud to be the one standing beside you. If there was ever anyone who deserved to chase their dreams it’s you. You _deserve_ this babe. I know it’s hard to think of starting over and leaving everything we know. I know it’s hard to think of leaving Seattle and our friends…and Cassie. But that’s the thing I’ve learned since Cassie died; she’s always with us, right here” she placed a hand over my heart, “We don’t have to be in a certain city or a certain house for her to be a part of our family. Home is wherever we are.” She placed a kiss on the tip of my nose and stood, “Now stop arguing with your wife, you know I’m going to win. Besides, Janet said she was coming back at 3 and it’s almost 3:00 now.”

Jack had successfully gotten Sam on his side and I no longer had an escape from the harassment. I would never be allowed to make this decision on my own; not with Sam and Jack constantly in my head. Sam stood up and walked to Lily. She had fallen hard for the twins. She picked Lily up and smiled at her before kissing her forehead. Motherhood looked good on Sam and watching her with Lily and Liam had a way of making me fall more in love with her. I never thought that could happen, I thought she had pulled out every card she could play that would make my heart skip a beat. She was right about having the ability to surprise me.

“Hi Lily bug,” Sam never spoke above a whisper when she was talking to the babies, “are you ready to go home with mommy and daddy and Liam?”

“I think mommy and daddy are more ready for her to go home then she is. She probably loves all the attention from the nurses. She is your daughter after all,” I laughed. Sam rolled her eyes and sat on the chair with Lily in her arms. Janet knocked and then walked into the room.

“Well, there are no official release papers on it yet but Lily should be set to go by tomorrow night.” Janet smiled and Sam laughed.

“Seriously?” she looked down at Lily again, who had fallen asleep. Janet nodded.

“Yes. But it’s not official so don’t get your hopes up there just yet. We still have to see how she does tonight and tomorrow.” Janet might as well have been talking to a wall; Sam wasn’t listening. Frankly, I wasn’t listening either. The small chance that we would finally be away from here and home with both our babies was enough. I could finally stop worrying about Lily and how she was doing and if things were fine in the hospital while I was at work. Come tomorrow night we could walk out of the hospital with Lily and Liam and never look back.

“When will we know?” I wanted to hear that they would tell us in the next hour, maybe the next two, but I should have known better than that.

“We’ll let you know tomorrow afternoon.”

Sam groaned. “Can’t we just take her now? She looks fine. She’s been eating normally, she’s more awake now than before and she’s heavier than she was when I first held her. What do you have to watch for?”  Leaving Lily behind was harder for Sam than it was for me because she had to get up in the morning by herself and dress Liam by herself and get to the hospital by herself. Then she sat in the hospital all day by herself until I got there. She had gotten really attached and the more time she spent with Lily the harder it was for her to leave.

“We just have to make sure she isn’t going to get really sick and that she’s getting the nutrition she needs.” Sam ran her finger down Lily’s cheek. We both knew we had to push aside how we felt about it to make sure she got what she needed. Janet looked between the two of us before leaving the room. Sam looked at me.

“So close but so far away.” She mumbled. I nodded.

“Yup,” I yawned and looked at the ceiling. There wasn’t much to say; Janet hadn’t given us very much information at all.

“I’m hungry,” Sam whispered. I laughed.

“What do you want?”

“I want soup.” I looked over at her, my head still cocked back. She laughed.

“Soup?” of everything Sam could crave, soup was the least likely.

“Yes, babe. Soup. Please?” she pouted and I rolled my eyes, sighed, and stood up.

“Anything for you, princess.”

X

The next day started as anything but a ‘good’ morning. The ringer on my phone was blaring, Liam was screaming and Sam was wondering around, in the dark, cursing. I didn’t understand why she didn’t turn the lights on, but I wasn’t about to question her about it; especially since Liam’s screaming had had no effect on me and I had slept right through it. I turned my alarm off and got out of bed. I was surprised nobody had come banging on the door and complaining about the noise, not that it would have made a difference. Sam would probably just tell them to mind their own business and slam the door in their face if she even answered the door at all. I walked out into the living room and turned on the light. Sam was digging through all the cupboards, throwing things around. She never stopped, even when the light hit her.

“Sam, what are you doing?” she threw more bottles on the already cluttered counter.

“I’m looking for the stupid formula!” her voice cracked and I knew that at any minute she could explode and destroy the entire kitchen just because she couldn’t handle the stress anymore. I walked to her and took her hand. She stopped and turned around and I could see she had already broken down once; tear tracks stained her flushed cheeks.

“Baby, go back to bed. I’ll take care of Liam.”

“Like I’d be able to sleep with him screaming like that! What’s wrong with him? Shit. What’s wrong with _me_? He’s been screaming like that for hours and I can’t figure out how to make him stop.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you. Just relax. I’ll try to get him to stop. I can drop him off at my mom’s today if you want a break—“

“No.” Her voice said it wasn’t up for discussion. For a minute all we could hear was Liam. I didn’t want to push my luck with Sam, but I didn’t want her to get overwhelmed today and start calling me at work every fifteen minutes. I sighed.

“Okay, just go lay down. I got this.” I dropped her hand and grabbed the diaper bag off the counter. We hadn’t unpacked it yesterday and the formula was still sitting on top. Sam groaned when I pulled it out.

“I’m so stupid. I didn’t even look in there.” She covered her face with her hands and I tried to hide the smile that was forming. It figures that Sam wouldn’t think to open the diaper bag right in front of her face.

“You aren’t stupid. You’re just stressed out. Now go, I can handle this.” I kissed her forehead and she walked away. As soon as she shut the bedroom door I walked into the nursery. For being so small, Liam could scream louder than any baby I had ever seen. I picked him up and held him in the crook of my arm, bouncing him softly.

“Come on Liam, you’re fine.” I carried him back into the kitchen. Sam had already filled the bottle with water so half the job was done. I loved Liam and I loved being a father, but I wouldn’t miss _this_ part of parenting. I heard my phone going off in the room and knew that any second Sam would either throw it against the wall or come out and throw it at me. Sam losing too much sleep was dangerous and could result in serious physical harm- probably to me.

She came out of our room and threw the phone on the counter.

“Your stupid boss is calling you.” She turned and walked back into the room just as quickly as she’d come out, slamming the door. I rolled my eyes and picked up the phone.

“Hey Jack, I’m kind of busy.”

“Sounds like it. I need you to come in early today.” I looked at the ceiling. So this was the kind of day I was going to have.

“I can’t come in early, Jack, I have a newborn baby to take care of.”

“Well take care of him fast and then get your butt in here! We have important things to discuss.”

“I’m not talking about ‘Good Morning America’ anymore. I have more important things to worry about right now.”

“Benson, you need to come in early. This isn’t up for negotiation. I’ll see you at 5:15.” There was no time to argue because Jack hung up the phone. I quickly made the bottle and stuck it in the bottle warmer.

“Sam!” I knew I would get hell for this but it wasn’t my fault. She walked out of the room, putting her hair up into a ponytail.

“I give up,” she sighed. I shook my head.

“No. Don’t do that. You need to sleep,” I took the bottle out of the bottle warmer and put it in his mouth. The apartment was silent and I saw Sam secretly thank God for it, “listen, I’m going to take him to my mom’s—“

“No. Leave him here. I can handle it.”

“Sam, come on. Let’s not argue about this. I’m not saying you can’t handle it; I’m just trying to help you get a break. I’ll take him over there for a few hours so you can sleep and when you wake up you can go pick him up or you can leave him there until I get done with work and I’ll pick him up. Jack wants me at the studio in 30 minutes and that’s not going to be enough time for you to rest. I promise you my mom knows how to take care of a baby.”

“Freddie, I don’t want him anywhere but here.” She leaned up to place a kiss on my cheek, and then one on Liam’s forehead. “I appreciate you trying to give me a break, but I’ll be fine. Give him here and go take a shower.” She said, gathering Liam into her arms. “You don’t have any time to waste.”

“Liam isn’t a waste of time, Sam, and Jack can wait. This is more important. You and Liam and Lily are all that matter right now.” I followed her into the nursery. As true as that was there was another good reason to avoid going in early; I wasn’t in the mood to deal with Jack and him pressuring me to take the job.

“You know if you aren’t there at 5:15 he’s going to rip you apart so quit your yackin’ and go get ready for work.” She lay Liam down in the crib and turned to me; hands on her hips.

“I love you,” I said, leaning into the crib, watching as Liam’s eyes began to flutter closed

 She smiled and shook her head. “I know babe. And I love you. Now please, back away from the child and get yourself ready to go.”

I laughed, “The child?”

She smirked. “Got you to laugh. Now stop stalling. Go.” Arguing with Sam was completely pointless and I knew it so I kissed her cheek as I left the nursery and walked into the bathroom. I had to mentally prepare myself for the 45 minute lecture I was sure to get from Jack. I didn’t understand why he bothered me so much about ‘Good Morning America’; he could just fire me if he wanted me gone. I considered not going to work at all and just avoiding the whole mess but that would just piss Jack off and he’d spend the whole day blowing up my phone. The shower didn’t help clear my head at all.

“Freddie! You’re going to be late!”

 I groaned and walked out of the bathroom. I didn’t know what bothered me more: that he didn’t give up or that deep down I knew he was right. I got dressed quickly, grabbed the keys off the dresser and walked into the nursery again. Sam was standing over the crib watching Liam sleep. She turned when I walked in and smiled.

“Leaving?” she asked. I nodded and kissed her.

“I love you.” I mumbled.

“I love you too, baby. Have fun at work.”

I put my hand on Liam’s head, “Bye little buddy.” He didn’t move or wake up, just continued to sleep. I watched him for a minute before walking out the door.

The drive to the studio felt shorter than usual. I just wanted to forget the offer had ever been brought up. I wanted things to go back to normal instead of feeling like everything I did was being scrutinized. Maybe if I had just told him no in the first place he might have left me alone. Who was I kidding…Jack wasn’t going to let this go until I either said yes or quit.

He was outside the door when I pulled into the parking lot; he was determined. I turned the car off, sighing to myself, and opened the door. I slammed the door shut and leaned against the car, my arms folded.

“What do you want, Jack? Do you have any idea how much sleep Sam got last night and now she has to be up with Liam all day and—“

“All part of parenting, Benson. Sometimes you need to make sacrifices for the sake of people in your family.”  He motioned me towards the door and I rolled my eyes before pushing myself away from the car and stepping towards him.

“Jack, I’m not leaving Seattle so I hope you don’t plan on trying to convince me to—“ we stopped just inside the studio door where a man and a woman, probably in their mid-40’s, were standing. Their eyes landed on us when the door slammed shut.

“Freddie, this is Anna and Paul from ‘Good Morning America.’ Paul and Anna, this is the young man I was telling you about; Freddie Benson.” Jack had turned around despite my disapproval towards the whole idea and flew people into Seattle to try to talk me into this. He was never going to give up. This was why he wanted me early, to interview for a job I didn’t even want.

“Jack’s said a lot of great things about you. It’s great to finally meet the young man he talks up so much.” Anna smiled.

“Thanks,” I looked at Jack. He was obviously very pleased with the fact that he had tricked me into this.

Jack swept us all into his office, winking at me as I followed them in. I could barely contain the scowl threatening to fill my face. Anna and Paul sat down at the conference table. Jack motioned for me to sit opposite them, on his right side. Great, sitting beside me I couldn’t even give him dirty looks.

Anna folded her hands on the table in front of her and leaned in, smiling at me. “So why don’t you tell us what interested you about this job?” I wasn’t interested in the job anymore, but obviously no one believed me when I said that; especially Jack.

“Well, I guess I’ve just always loved being behind a camera. I love doing anything with technology. I’ve spent my whole life doing it, starting with the small stuff and working my way up to where I am now.”

“And he’s really great at keeping everything running smoothly,” Jack added. I sighed; he was not making this any easier sitting there selling me like a brand new PearPad.

Paul addressed me next. “Jack said you were the technical producer on some sort of webshow before you worked here,” Paul and Anna never seemed to show any emotion; except for the occasional forced smile they just kept a straight face through everything that happened. Even sitting in Jacks office I could hear what sounded like World War III going on right outside the door. Carly and Micheals’ voices carried through the door-already fighting first thing in the morning, the microphones were giving off feedback and it sounded like someone had set off the fire alarm. In short the studio was in chaos but I seemed to be the only one who noticed. I could feel their eyes drilling into me.

“Uh, yeah in high school. But that was a while ago.” I couldn’t help but look towards the studio. How did nobody else seem to care what was going on?

“It sounds like you have a lot of experience behind the scenes. Jack said you know your way around here pretty well. The GMA studio isn’t much different. I think you would fit in really nice with us. If you don’t mind we’d like to watch you work today. Just to see how you do things around here and compare it with what we would have you doing at GMA.” Anna was the only one who spoke. Paul just sat there and watched me. He was probably gauging my reaction to everything she said. I nodded, glad to get away from them and just work.

I shook both their hands and left Jack’s office, heading toward the studio. Just as I expected, things were going crazy so I jumped right in, setting things right. Having them stare at me while I tried to work was uncomfortable. I wanted to talk to Jack alone, but he was never more than four feet away from them. He was a smart man; a smart, evil man. I decided the first thing I needed to do was settle whatever was going on with Carly and Michael. I approached them.

“…never even talk to me anymore. You won’t even let me explain what happened.” I had walked on in the middle of their argument.

“There’s nothing to explain, Carly, I’m not wasting my time. You were supposed to—“

“Hey. I’m getting really tired of you two coming in every day and fighting. When you step in the doors of the studio you both better drop everything and remember what you’re here to do. Got it? I don’t care who you are or how long you’ve been here. If you don’t start acting more professional you’re going to be fired.” Michael gave me a smug look.

“Oh yeah? You don’t have the power to fire me, Benson. Let me just remind you that—“

“He may not but I do and I trust his judgment. Freddie, Matt and I are in charge. Not you. So you better watch yourself, sit your ass in that chair and shut your mouth.” I turned to see Jack standing right behind me. When I turned back to Michael his face had dropped and he had soundlessly sat on his chair. I didn’t want to look cocky, but having Jack back me up made me feel that way. I turned around again.

“Jack—“ he walked away from me again knowing I was going to confront him about the whole ‘Good Morning America’ trick. I sighed and walked to the cameras to grab a radio.

“Turn the lights on,” I spoke into the radio and the lights came on instantly. I looked back at the anchor table and then approached it again.

“Alright, start on camera 1. Turn to camera 2 after the update from the car accident. Break after the story about the closing of the waterpark. Start back on camera 2. Switch to camera 1 after the story about the zoo. Back to camera 1 after the forest fire story. Break. Start on camera 2 again, switch back to camera 1 after the story about the new laptop coming out and then you’ll close after the story about the best places to go before school starts again.” I had been looking at Michael, but when I looked at Carly she was looking under the table.

“Carly, what are you doing?” she looked up at me and then over at Michael then back to me.

“Oh, Sam sent me a picture of Liam.” She smiled. I rolled my eyes.

“You aren’t allowed to be on your phone when you’re here and you know it. So knock it off or I’ll take your phone and lock it in my office.”

“Oh please, we aren’t in high school anymore.”

“Carly—“

“Fine.” She stuck her phone back in her pocket and drummed her fingers on the table.

“So what did I say, Carly?”

“Oh my God, it’s put away. When did you become so bossy?”

I stared at her, “when I became your boss. And I was talking about the show.”

“Oh yeah, camera 1, camera 2, camera 2, camera 1, camera 1, camera 2, camera 1. Yeah. I got it, Mr. Benson.” Her sarcasm was annoying me and I had to remind myself that Carly would never be the same was Sam and I because we had a family now and she was just….Carly. I walked away for the second time and approached Mark.

“Hey, so any news on Lily?” Mark had a way of bringing me back down to earth when I was getting too far ahead of myself.

“Yeah. She might be able to go home tonight. We should be finding out this afternoon. We’re pretty pumped about it, we’re ready to have them both home.” Mark smiled.

“Well that’s good,” his smile dropped when he looked over at Anna and Paul, “so Jack’s still trying to bribe you into leaving huh?”

“Nope. He’s past the bribing and the insults. He’s just going with it as if I told him I’d do it.” It was quiet while I checked his camera. As I was about to walk away he spoke again.

“Do you want to do it?” he asked. The last six years I had spent here I had never had any sort of heart to heart conversation with anyone. But if I was going to have one Mark would be the one I would have it with. I shrugged.

“I guess I do, but I don’t want to do it as much as I did before Cassie was born. Now everything’s different. After losing Cassie I realized all I really wanted was to have a family with Sam. I still kick myself sometimes for not being home as much as I should have been when she was pregnant with her. Now that we have Lily and Liam I just can’t imagine anything topping that. You know what I mean? Having the twins is more special to us than it was before because we don’t have Cassie. I don’t want to just uproot and change everything in our lives, especially since now everything is finally back to normal; A new normal, but normal nonetheless.” Mark nodded.

“Yeah I get that. The more time I spend here the more time I wish I was at home getting to know my baby. I still can’t believe I’m going to be a father.”

“Let me tell you, Mark. It’s the best feeling in the world. Even when they’re screaming and crabby and you’re trying to figure out what to do nothing feels better than looking at your baby and knowing that you helped make them. You’ll do anything for them. Your whole world changes when you see their face.” He smiled.

“I know. I’m excited,” he paused, “hey Benson. Have you ever thought of how Lily and Liam would feel if you took the job at GMA? Do you know how big that is? You could give them everything and anything they wanted with that job. You could afford to send them to the best schools anybody could think of. I mean, I know you could probably do that working here, but have you ever thought about in the future what they would think of it? Whether they’d love it or hate it? I know you’re just trying to look out for Sam and the twins and yourself and I know what really holds you back is Cassie, but what about how they feel? All of them. I know you, Freddie. From day one you’ve talked about this only being temporary. I just don’t want you to pass up something that could be so great for you and your family.”

All I had thought about was myself and the fact that I couldn’t do that to them, but Mark was right. I couldn’t say what was best for them, I couldn’t say what they would think about it. I could just run with it and base every choice I made on how I thought they would see it. I shrugged and walked away from him without a word. Eliza was standing with Jack, Anna and Paul joking around. I looked into the screen on her camera. She was too good for this place.

We were still fifteen minutes from cue time and I had nothing else to do. I didn’t feel like standing around talking to Jack or Anna or Paul. I didn’t want to be around Carly or Michael and I didn’t want to have any more realizations from Mark. I heard the studio door open and Sam entered carrying Liam in his carseat. What was she doing here?

“Sam! I thought it would be months before I’d see you again,” Jack met Sam halfway and looked down at Liam. I approached them, “this must be little Liam.” Sam smiled.

“Yup. But he’s not so little anymore. Not to me anyway,” she set the carseat down and took Liam out of it. Compared to when he was born he wasn’t really little anymore. Of course, he was still a newborn so it made sense that everyone else saw him as little; especially since he was the size of an average newborn now. He was awake again but he was quiet, just looking at me. I smiled. He and Lily were the best things to happen to us.

“What are you doing here, babe?” I asked her.

“You left the stroller in your car and I was going to go for a walk with Liam before we went to the hospital,” she looked towards Anna and Paul, “who are they?” I sighed and Jack beamed.

“This is Anna and Paul. They’re from ‘Good Morning America’ and they came to watch Freddie work today. Anna and Paul, this is Freddie’s wife, Sam and their son, Liam. They actually just had twins. Lily’s in the hospital right now.”

“Jack.” He looked at me and I shook my head. He didn’t need to talk about our family with random people. He chuckled.

“Alright here, it’s in the trunk.” I handed the keys to Sam and she handed Liam to me, “hey little buddy. Are you in a better mood now?” he just stared at me and Sam walked out of the studio.

“Does Sam come here often?” Anna asked. I shrugged.

“Sometimes. She’s never a distraction, though.” Liam was a distraction and with him in my arms I didn’t care what anybody else was saying to me. I hoped that the fact that Sam stopped in here would sway them to no longer be interested, but it seemed to have the opposite effect.

“That’s great! We have a little day care at the studio where the kids can go and we often have guests come to watch our show live. We’re a very tight knit group of people so we enjoy getting to know not only new employees but their families as well.” Anna smiled and I felt even more discouraged. Sam came back in with the stroller.

“Oh, hey. You’re mom called me and if Lily gets out tonight she wants us to go out for dinner. So, call her when you get done with work. I’m leaving, I know the shows about to start and I want to get to the hospital before it starts so I can tell Lily all about what her daddy does.” I handed Liam back to her and she put him in his car seat.

“I’ll be at the hospital as soon as I’m done here, babe. I love you. If anything important happens let me know.” She picked Liam’s car seat up and put it on the stroller.

“I love you, too, and I know you will be. Have fun at work. Nice meeting you Anna, Paul.” She nodded at them and walked out the studio door again.

“Alright, let’s get going.” Jack clapped and we walked back to the cameras.

“Alright, let’s get this show on the road. Mark, cue.”

“Sounds good, boss. In 5, 4, 3, 2.”

X

Something seemed off as I walked down the hall towards Lily’s hospital room. It seemed too quiet this time; there was no screaming or soft talking. My heart raced and as I walked into the hospital room I realized why it was quiet. There was nobody here. I dug my phone out of my pocket quickly; maybe I had missed a message from her. There were no new messages and there was nothing written on the small, white board in Lily’s room either. I threw my phone on the bed and ran around the room looking under the furniture, on the tables, in the closet just trying to find some sign of Sam or the twins. No notes, no diaper bags, no sign that anybody had even been here. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. My family was missing and there was no hint as to where they were. I quickly turned back to the door and nearly knocked Janet over. I grabbed her arms to prevent her from falling backwards.

“Where are Sam and the twins?” my voice was louder than I intended and she recoiled slightly. I relinquished my hold on her and took a step back.

“She went for a walk with them. Just around the hallways. She’ll be back in a minute. Relax daddy, I wouldn’t let anything happen to any of them.” She laughed, guiding me back into the room just as Sam came walking through the door.

“What are you doing? You couldn’t text me and tell me you were going for a walk with them? Do you even know—“

“Jeez Freddie, I didn’t know you’d be here so soon. I was only gone for two minutes. I just wanted to do something with both my babies. Sorry.” She took Lily out of carseat she had placed on the stroller and handed her to me. My shoulders relaxed as I sighed in relief. Nothing felt better than having her or Liam in my arms.

“I’m sorry, babe. I’m just—“

“I know. Don’t worry about it.”

“Well now that you’re both here I have some things I want to talk to you guys about.” Janet was looking at a clipboard as Sam and I looked at each other. Sam sat in the chair in the corner and I stood next to her. Janet pulled a chair up in front of us and sat down.

 The only thing running through my head was ‘ _God please say she can leave.’_

“There are a lot of things you need to know and remember about Cystic Fibrosis before we let you take Lily home—“

Sam groaned, “Have we NOT been taking care of her for the past week and a half?” she looked to me for confirmation “I mean, I’m just wondering because it appears that NOBODY here seems to think we’re capable of taking care of her.”

“Sam,” I whispered. She looked at me and then back at Janet.

“Look, we’ve already gone through losing Cassie. I think we can handle taking care of a sick baby. You always say you aren’t going to let anything happen to her. Well, neither are we. We’re stronger and more capable than any of you are giving us credit for. By the time she’s five she’s going to be sick of having us around all the time. She’ll never be anywhere out of our sight. We have too much to lose if something happens to her.” She lowered her voice and slumped back in chair, her eyes pleading, “Just let us take her home already.”

“This is just procedure, Sam. CF is tricky. It’s not a visible illnesses. We just want to make sure you guys know everything you need to know to ease the transition when you take her home. She can’t tell you if she isn’t feeling good.” Sam sighed and rolled her eyes before looking at Lily. Janet watched her before diving right in.

“Okay, so you guys already know she needs to get the enzymes before she eats. Really watch and make sure she doesn’t spit any of them out. It’s very important for her to get them in order to digest what she’s eating. If she’s coughing really hard you may have to kind of hit her back a bit to try to break up the mucus so she can cough it up. You’ll have to make your hand into a “C” not a fist or open hand. That will just hurt her. Do your best to keep her from swallowing it again. Its habit for them to just swallow it back down. If she starts to get really sick and won’t stop throwing up and it sounds like she may not be breathing properly bring her back here. You’ll also have to make sure she’s getting the salt she needs. You can mix it in with her bottle for now but when she’s a little older you can mix it in with applesauce or something easy. You can mix the enzymes in there too. It’s really important that you both pay attention to how she’s acting. Her behavior can be the first sign that something is wrong. Oh, and prepare for the weather; she can get sick much easier than we can.” “She consulted the clipboard before pulling off a small card and handing it to us, “If you ever have any questions you can call this number or you can call me at the hospital. I Dealing with Cystic Fibrosis is difficult. You have to pick and choose what’s worth bringing her to the hospital for and what isn’t.”

Lowering the clipboard to her lap, her face softened as she leaned forward, taking Sam’s hand in her own. “Listen guys, I know that you are completely capable of handling this. There is no doubt in my mind that you’ll do whatever you need to for Lily. But this is a lot to take in and as much as you want to be strong and get it all right all the time that’s not always possible. There may be times you get overwhelmed because it’s really difficult to take care of a baby with CF. When she’s older she can handle this stuff herself, but for right now you have to do all of this for her. So I need you to promise me that you’re going to take care of yourselves too; otherwise you’ll be no good to Lily or Liam. And Sam, if you need anything…anything at all I want you to call me. You don’t have to be strong all the time.

For a minute the room was quiet. I was worried now. We’d be by ourselves with nobody around that we could just run to and ask them what was going on. I knew we could handle it alone, but somehow through all the annoyance I had overlooked the comfort of having the doctors and nurses around.

“So,” Sam sighed, “when can we take her home?”

“As soon as we get the papers we can have you sign them and you can take her. But, we want to see her again in a week just to make sure things are still on track. Right now she’s 5 pounds 7 ounces and we want to make sure she continues to gain weight regularly.”

“Freddie, you should go call your mom.” Sam was looking at me and I nodded. I took Lily with me. She was still asleep and I didn’t see her waking up any time soon. I scrolled through my contacts before landing on the one I needed. It rang three times.

“Freddie, it’s about time you called me. I’ve been waiting all—“

“Okay mom, I’ve been busy. What did you want?”

“Is Lily getting out today?” she sounded eager and for a minute I considered messing with her, but I was so excited to finally be allowed to take Lily home with us when we left that it would have never worked.

“Yeah. Soon. They just have to get the papers and everything together. You want to meet us over here?”

“Of course!” I had never thought my mom would be excited about kids belonging to Sam and I, especially after all the fighting she and Sam had done, but she was obviously very happy about seeing the kids and hearing Lily was coming home. “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

“Okay, I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you, Freddie.”

“I love you too, mom.” I hung up the phone and walked back into the room. Sam was just sitting in the chair looking down at Liam. She was whispering to him.

“Your sister gets to go home today, Liam. Are you excited? Mommy’s excited,” she looked up when she heard me come in, “daddy’s excited too.”

“Yes. Mommy and daddy are excited. Where’s Janet?”

“She went to go get the release papers.” Sam’s face was lit with a smile and I realized it had been a long time since I’d seen her so happy. “Hey babe, find her something to wear. I don’t want her going home in that.” I looked at Lily’s outfit.

“Why? She looks cute in it.”

“Because it’s not…I don’t know. Oh! Put that frog outfit on her. The one your mom bought for her. I love that outfit. She looks so cute in it.”

“Sam, she looks cute in everything.”

“Just do it.” She looked back down at Liam again and I chuckled.

“Fine, but if she wakes up you’re taking care of her.”

“Ha. She loves daddy more than mommy.” She laughed. I rolled my eyes before laying her on the cot in the room. Her eyes opened.

“Hi baby girl,” her brown eyes melted my heart and I couldn’t help but smile when she looked at me, “are you ready to go home?” she just stared at me and I laughed before grabbing her diaper bag from the stroller.

“Aww, such a good daddy.” Sam laughed. I rolled my eyes.

“Hey, she’s my angel. I have to get this out of my system now, because when she’s a teenager she’ll probably have your attitude and shun me from her life.”

“Oh, I didn’t shun you from my life.” Sam laughed. I smiled.

“I know. I wouldn’t let you, you blonde headed demon.”

“Nub.”

“The one and only,” I pulled the frog outfit from Lily’s diaper bag and started undressing her. As I expected she started screaming. Sam laughed.

“Well come on, daddy. You have to be quicker than that. She’s cold.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Dressing a screaming, squirmy newborn is more difficult than people make it out to be. Even though she was small and couldn’t really go anywhere I felt like she was running away from me. It took me ten minutes just to change her outfit and it made for quite a show for Sam and Janet, who had come back to give the papers to us. Sam was too distracted to fill them out, more intrigued by the lack of experience on my part. She probably had this mastered since she had done it every day for the past week while I was at work. I felt a little smug when I finally got it and picked her up again. Especially when she quit screaming and just looked at me.

“See, daddy got skills.” I laughed. Sam shook her head.

“Don’t talk like that, you’re too nerdy.” She said. She got up, placed Liam in his carseat on the stroller, and then started filling out the papers. My mom walked into the room and right past Sam.

“Hi to you too Marissa.”

“Sorry, you looked busy.” My mom smiled. She walked over to me and Lily.

“Mom,” she looked at me, “be nice.”

“I am. She’s trying to fill out papers. I didn’t want to bother her. Besides, I just want to see baby girl.” She gushed, making a beeline for Lily. “Oh my gosh she’s so cute! She looks just like you when you were a baby.”

“I know she’s cute, she’s half me,” Sam laughed. I rolled my eyes and my mom faked a smile.

“She’s half Freddie too. So, are we ready to go?”

“Do we look ready to go?” Sam was on a roll with her remarks today.

I rolled my eyes, “Sam, stop it. Today is supposed to be a nice day. I don’t need you two fighting.”

“We aren’t fighting. It was a question.” She mumbled. She was too busy with the papers to even bother listening to what I was saying.

“Please, just finish filling that stuff out so we can leave.”

“I’m already done, I’m just reading it. I know you thought I was watching you and laughing while you were trying to dress Lily but I was REALLY filling this out…and watching you and laughing.” Janet walked back into the room and Sam handed her the clipboard.

“We ready to go now?” she asked her.

Janet nodded. “Come back if anything happens.”

“Yup. Freddie, put her in here.” I walked over to the strolled and laid Lily in her carseat. She was already falling asleep again.

“Let’s roll.” Sam pushed the stroller out the door of the hospital room. I grabbed Lily’s diaper bag and followed her and my mom.

I could not help the smile that spread from ear to ear as we walked through the hallways that had become all too familiar. Leaving the hospital with Sam and the twins knowing I wouldn’t have to come back felt more amazing than the day we came in to have them.

My family was finally complete.

Sam was asleep in the chair with Liam. I was keeping a close eye on both of them in case they needed me, but both looked content so I just sat quietly, trying to clear my head. I had a lot on my mind and I knew Sam was starting to get suspicious. Soon she’d be drilling with me questions; demanding answers and I didn’t have any to give her. My already hectic life had just gotten even more complicated.

Since he first mentioned the position with ‘Good Morning America’ in New York, Jack had approached me every single day; practically begging me to take it.He’d listed all the benefits, including a significant raise in pay and completely covering the cost of relocation. When that hadn’t worked he’d told me I’d be an idiot not to take it. He made it sound so easy. ‘All you have to do is say yes’ he said, but I knew there was more to it than that. All I had to do is leave behind everything familiar and comforting and important; all my memories, my family and the last 24 years of my life. That was the only requirement. Uproot and change not only my entire life but Sam’s as well. Not only start over somewhere completely unfamiliar with no help, but leave behind the grave of our daughter. We obviously couldn’t just transfer Cassie’s casket to a new city because we moved. I couldn’t imagine leaving her behind; regardless of the fact that it had been over a year since I lost her. Even if I could manage to leave everything else behind for something I didn’t need but always wanted I couldn’t bear to leave her, I needed to be in the same city as the small area of land that held the shell of her. 

Janet would be here soon to update us on Lily’s progress. We were excited to bring her home and I was hoping today would be a day of good news. I wanted to hear that we could all go home as a family, away from this stupid hospital and every negative memory it held for us. Away from the always watching nurses and doctors who didn’t think we could manage Lily’s Cystic Fibrosis on our own. I had never had a dislike for hospitals before, but the more time I spent here the more the place bugged me.

Lily was wide awake and alert. She was spending more time awake now and the small progress seemed like a huge milestone to us. She had gained a little weight, but was still much smaller than Liam. Janet told us if she kept it up she would be out sooner than later. I was hoping today would be the sooner. When she was old enough to notice boys I would put bars on her window, lock her in her room; even homeschool her if I had to; I would never let any other boy or man take my place. But until then, I planned to dress her up and show her off the world. Now that I finally had her and Liam, they were my priority – the most important thing in my life; another reason New York was a bad idea. Too many boys running around like they’re some kind of gangsters trying to pick up innocent little girls; too many pedophiles and rapists and killers. It just wasn’t a good city.

I wondered if Sam would show the same concern about Liam as I did about Lily. Would she worry about girls beating down our door? Would she worry about him growing up and trying to be one of those punky kids that got into trouble and did drugs? Well, she probably wouldn’t care so much about the trouble making but I was sure her concern about his safety was equal to mine. After losing Cassie we felt like the luckiest people in the world to have the twins. We loved them more than words.

I was thinking way too far ahead. First we had to get through them being babies, toddlers, children; we had years to plan how to keep them safe and little forever. For now they were our babies; tiny combinations of Sam and I that we were allowed to have; the angels that lived.

Sam moved, almost as if I had said her name out loud instead of thinking it in my head. Her eyes opened and she yawned, smiling down at Liam in her arms. He stayed asleep and the quietness was nice. He had been really fussy lately.

“Why are you just staring at me?” she yawned again. I shrugged.

“Just because,” I took a risk and looked into her eyes. I knew that would be the start to a whole line of questions. She just wanted to start off simple. She thought if she asked innocent questions I would answer the harder ones she threw at me later.

“You’re a bad liar. Did you think I would drop him or something?” 

“No, sweetheart. I just enjoy watching you sleep.” 

“Well, whatever. So…” she was hoping I would just spill everything without her having to pry. Sometimes it worked. Rarely. But sometimes. I didn’t know why I was so against bringing it up to her. Maybe because I was afraid of what would come out of her mouth when I did. Sam had a way of turning around and saying the opposite of what I expected her to say. 

“So…” it was a lame response, but I didn’t care. She laid Liam in his carseat before walking over to me and sitting in my lap.

“What’s bothering you, baby? You’ve been really distant and quiet the last three days.”

I sighed, avoiding her gaze. “Nothing really. Just have a lot on my mind lately now that I’m back at work.” I wasn’t lying to her; I just wasn’t telling her what she wanted to hear. But I knew trying to hide anything from her was a waste of time. If she really wanted the details she’d just nag me about it until I told her.

“Like what?” 

“Don’t worry about it, babe. Seriously, it’s not important.” It wasn’t important because I wasn’t going to take that job. I wasn’t even going to worry about that job. All I cared about was my family and what was best for them and moving to New York for some stupid job was not on the ‘best for them’ list. She laid her head on my shoulder and I could feel her breath on my neck. 

“It’s important to me,” she mumbled; her lips against my neck. If Sam knew she wouldn’t get her way easily she used everything she had to make my mind go crazy until I told her or gave her whatever she wanted.

“Stop that,” 

“Stop what?” 

“You know what. We’re in the hospital. Lily’s wide awake. This is not the time or place.” She was quiet for a minute.

“Ohhh…you mean THAT.” She laughed and pulled herself closer to me, wrapping her arms around my neck, kissing the spot behind my ear. 

“Sam…”

“Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll leave you alone.” 

“You know, I don’t think it’s very fair for you to use my inability to resist you against me; especially when you’re off limits for the next five or more weeks.” I took her hand and she laughed again.

“Mama doesn’t play fair. Please… just tell me. I hate seeing you being eaten alive by some internal debate you won’t let me help you with.” 

“Honey—“

“Is it because of the ‘Good Morning America’ thing?” she caught me off guard. I knew I hadn’t told her about that.

“Where did you—“

“Jack told me. He called me yesterday. Why does it bug you so much? It’s not even a question. You should do it.” I rolled my eyes and she moved her head and looked straight into my face.

“Sam, that’s not an option.” 

“Why isn’t it? Baby, do you know how big that is; how long you’ve dreamed about getting this kind of opportunity?” 

“Because our life is here. Everything is here. I don’t want to move across the country. I can’t just pack everything up and expect you to pack everything up and go to New York for a job I already have here. It’s just a bigger show and I don’t care about it.”

“Yes you do. You’ve talked about making it big since we started dating. This is your chance. What difference does it make if we have to move? It’s not the first time and probably not the last and I will always be wherever you are and so will Cassie and Lily and Liam.”

“Sam, Cassie is here in Seattle. She’s not in New York or California or Florida. She’s here. We belong here. It’s really not something I care about anymore. You and the kids are all I care about. Just don’t jump ahead of this, babe. I don’t want it. I have everything I want right here.” 

“I don’t want you to pass this up just because of us, Freddie.”

“You aren’t making the internal debate much easier, Samantha Benson.”

“There shouldn’t even be a debate. You should be doing what you need to do to reach your goals. You got hired at the studio right out of high school, Freddie. That was step one. Step two is go for something bigger and better, get your name out there, work for bigger companies and eventually direct a television show. You can’t do that here. You’re going to have to really put yourself out there and risk everything to get there. Jack obviously thinks you can do it so there’s no reason to second guess it anymore.”

“Sam—“

She reached out to place my face in her hands, “Freddie, listen to me, you’ve dedicated yourself to taking care of me and our family. You’ve worked hard, sacrificed and dealt with things that no one should have ever had to. I am so proud of you, proud to be your wife, proud to be the one standing beside you. If there was ever anyone who deserved to chase their dreams it’s you. You _deserve_ this babe. I know it’s hard to think of starting over and leaving everything we know. I know it’s hard to think of leaving Seattle and our friends…and Cassie. But that’s the thing I’ve learned since Cassie died; she’s always with us, right here” she placed a hand over my heart, “We don’t have to be in a certain city or a certain house for her to be a part of our family. Home is wherever we are.” She placed a kiss on the tip of my nose and stood, “Now stop arguing with your wife, you know I’m going to win. Besides, Janet said she was coming back at 3 and it’s almost 3:00 now.”

Jack had successfully gotten Sam on his side and I no longer had an escape from the harassment. I would never be allowed to make this decision on my own; not with Sam and Jack constantly in my head. Sam stood up and walked to Lily. She had fallen hard for the twins. She picked Lily up and smiled at her before kissing her forehead. Motherhood looked good on Sam and watching her with Lily and Liam had a way of making me fall more in love with her. I never thought that could happen, I thought she had pulled out every card she could play that would make my heart skip a beat. She was right about having the ability to surprise me. 

“Hi Lily bug,” Sam never spoke above a whisper when she was talking to the babies, “are you ready to go home with mommy and daddy and Liam?” 

“I think mommy and daddy are more ready for her to go home then she is. She probably loves all the attention from the nurses. She is your daughter after all,” I laughed. Sam rolled her eyes and sat on the chair with Lily in her arms. Janet knocked and then walked into the room. 

“Well, there are no official release papers on it yet but Lily should be set to go by tomorrow night.” Janet smiled and Sam laughed. 

“Seriously?” she looked down at Lily again, who had fallen asleep. Janet nodded.

“Yes. But it’s not official so don’t get your hopes up there just yet. We still have to see how she does tonight and tomorrow.” Janet might as well have been talking to a wall; Sam wasn’t listening. Frankly, I wasn’t listening either. The small chance that we would finally be away from here and home with both our babies was enough. I could finally stop worrying about Lily and how she was doing and if things were fine in the hospital while I was at work. Come tomorrow night we could walk out of the hospital with Lily and Liam and never look back.

“When will we know?” I wanted to hear that they would tell us in the next hour, maybe the next two, but I should have known better than that. 

“We’ll let you know tomorrow afternoon.” 

Sam groaned. “Can’t we just take her now? She looks fine. She’s been eating normally, she’s more awake now than before and she’s heavier than she was when I first held her. What do you have to watch for?”  Leaving Lily behind was harder for Sam than it was for me because she had to get up in the morning by herself and dress Liam by herself and get to the hospital by herself. Then she sat in the hospital all day by herself until I got there. She had gotten really attached and the more time she spent with Lily the harder it was for her to leave.

“We just have to make sure she isn’t going to get really sick and that she’s getting the nutrition she needs.” Sam ran her finger down Lily’s cheek. We both knew we had to push aside how we felt about it to make sure she got what she needed. Janet looked between the two of us before leaving the room. Sam looked at me.

“So close but so far away.” She mumbled. I nodded.

“Yup,” I yawned and looked at the ceiling. There wasn’t much to say; Janet hadn’t given us very much information at all.

“I’m hungry,” Sam whispered. I laughed.

“What do you want?”

“I want soup.” I looked over at her, my head still cocked back. She laughed.

“Soup?” of everything Sam could crave, soup was the least likely.

“Yes, babe. Soup. Please?” she pouted and I rolled my eyes, sighed, and stood up.

“Anything for you, princess.” 

X

The next day started as anything but a ‘good’ morning. The ringer on my phone was blaring, Liam was screaming and Sam was wondering around, in the dark, cursing. I didn’t understand why she didn’t turn the lights on, but I wasn’t about to question her about it; especially since Liam’s screaming had had no effect on me and I had slept right through it. I turned my alarm off and got out of bed. I was surprised nobody had come banging on the door and complaining about the noise, not that it would have made a difference. Sam would probably just tell them to mind their own business and slam the door in their face if she even answered the door at all. I walked out into the living room and turned on the light. Sam was digging through all the cupboards, throwing things around. She never stopped, even when the light hit her.

“Sam, what are you doing?” she threw more bottles on the already cluttered counter.

“I’m looking for the stupid formula!” her voice cracked and I knew that at any minute she could explode and destroy the entire kitchen just because she couldn’t handle the stress anymore. I walked to her and took her hand. She stopped and turned around and I could see she had already broken down once; tear tracks stained her flushed cheeks.

“Baby, go back to bed. I’ll take care of Liam.” 

“Like I’d be able to sleep with him screaming like that! What’s wrong with him? Shit. What’s wrong with _me_? He’s been screaming like that for hours and I can’t figure out how to make him stop.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with you. Just relax. I’ll try to get him to stop. I can drop him off at my mom’s today if you want a break—“

“No.” Her voice said it wasn’t up for discussion. For a minute all we could hear was Liam. I didn’t want to push my luck with Sam, but I didn’t want her to get overwhelmed today and start calling me at work every fifteen minutes. I sighed.

“Okay, just go lay down. I got this.” I dropped her hand and grabbed the diaper bag off the counter. We hadn’t unpacked it yesterday and the formula was still sitting on top. Sam groaned when I pulled it out.

“I’m so stupid. I didn’t even look in there.” She covered her face with her hands and I tried to hide the smile that was forming. It figures that Sam wouldn’t think to open the diaper bag right in front of her face.

“You aren’t stupid. You’re just stressed out. Now go, I can handle this.” I kissed her forehead and she walked away. As soon as she shut the bedroom door I walked into the nursery. For being so small, Liam could scream louder than any baby I had ever seen. I picked him up and held him in the crook of my arm, bouncing him softly.

“Come on Liam, you’re fine.” I carried him back into the kitchen. Sam had already filled the bottle with water so half the job was done. I loved Liam and I loved being a father, but I wouldn’t miss _this_ part of parenting. I heard my phone going off in the room and knew that any second Sam would either throw it against the wall or come out and throw it at me. Sam losing too much sleep was dangerous and could result in serious physical harm- probably to me.

She came out of our room and threw the phone on the counter.

“Your stupid boss is calling you.” She turned and walked back into the room just as quickly as she’d come out, slamming the door. I rolled my eyes and picked up the phone. 

“Hey Jack, I’m kind of busy.” 

“Sounds like it. I need you to come in early today.” I looked at the ceiling. So this was the kind of day I was going to have.

“I can’t come in early, Jack, I have a newborn baby to take care of.” 

“Well take care of him fast and then get your butt in here! We have important things to discuss.”

“I’m not talking about ‘Good Morning America’ anymore. I have more important things to worry about right now.”

“Benson, you need to come in early. This isn’t up for negotiation. I’ll see you at 5:15.” There was no time to argue because Jack hung up the phone. I quickly made the bottle and stuck it in the bottle warmer.

“Sam!” I knew I would get hell for this but it wasn’t my fault. She walked out of the room, putting her hair up into a ponytail.

“I give up,” she sighed. I shook my head.

“No. Don’t do that. You need to sleep,” I took the bottle out of the bottle warmer and put it in his mouth. The apartment was silent and I saw Sam secretly thank God for it, “listen, I’m going to take him to my mom’s—“

“No. Leave him here. I can handle it.”

“Sam, come on. Let’s not argue about this. I’m not saying you can’t handle it; I’m just trying to help you get a break. I’ll take him over there for a few hours so you can sleep and when you wake up you can go pick him up or you can leave him there until I get done with work and I’ll pick him up. Jack wants me at the studio in 30 minutes and that’s not going to be enough time for you to rest. I promise you my mom knows how to take care of a baby.” 

“Freddie, I don’t want him anywhere but here.” She leaned up to place a kiss on my cheek, and then one on Liam’s forehead. “I appreciate you trying to give me a break, but I’ll be fine. Give him here and go take a shower.” She said, gathering Liam into her arms. “You don’t have any time to waste.”

“Liam isn’t a waste of time, Sam, and Jack can wait. This is more important. You and Liam and Lily are all that matter right now.” I followed her into the nursery. As true as that was there was another good reason to avoid going in early; I wasn’t in the mood to deal with Jack and him pressuring me to take the job.

“You know if you aren’t there at 5:15 he’s going to rip you apart so quit your yackin’ and go get ready for work.” She lay Liam down in the crib and turned to me; hands on her hips.

“I love you,” I said, leaning into the crib, watching as Liam’s eyes began to flutter closed

She smiled and shook her head. “I know babe. And I love you. Now please, back away from the child and get yourself ready to go.”

I laughed, “The child?”

She smirked. “Got you to laugh. Now stop stalling. Go.” Arguing with Sam was completely pointless and I knew it so I kissed her cheek as I left the nursery and walked into the bathroom. I had to mentally prepare myself for the 45 minute lecture I was sure to get from Jack. I didn’t understand why he bothered me so much about ‘Good Morning America’; he could just fire me if he wanted me gone. I considered not going to work at all and just avoiding the whole mess but that would just piss Jack off and he’d spend the whole day blowing up my phone. The shower didn’t help clear my head at all.

“Freddie! You’re going to be late!” 

I groaned and walked out of the bathroom. I didn’t know what bothered me more: that he didn’t give up or that deep down I knew he was right. I got dressed quickly, grabbed the keys off the dresser and walked into the nursery again. Sam was standing over the crib watching Liam sleep. She turned when I walked in and smiled.

“Leaving?” she asked. I nodded and kissed her.

“I love you.” I mumbled.

“I love you too, baby. Have fun at work.” 

I put my hand on Liam’s head, “Bye little buddy.” He didn’t move or wake up, just continued to sleep. I watched him for a minute before walking out the door.

The drive to the studio felt shorter than usual. I just wanted to forget the offer had ever been brought up. I wanted things to go back to normal instead of feeling like everything I did was being scrutinized. Maybe if I had just told him no in the first place he might have left me alone. Who was I kidding…Jack wasn’t going to let this go until I either said yes or quit.

He was outside the door when I pulled into the parking lot; he was determined. I turned the car off, sighing to myself, and opened the door. I slammed the door shut and leaned against the car, my arms folded. 

“What do you want, Jack? Do you have any idea how much sleep Sam got last night and now she has to be up with Liam all day and—“

“All part of parenting, Benson. Sometimes you need to make sacrifices for the sake of people in your family.”He motioned me towards the door and I rolled my eyes before pushing myself away from the car and stepping towards him. 

“Jack, I’m not leaving Seattle so I hope you don’t plan on trying to convince me to—“ we stopped just inside the studio door where a man and a woman, probably in their mid-40’s, were standing. Their eyes landed on us when the door slammed shut. 

“Freddie, this is Anna and Paul from ‘Good Morning America.’ Paul and Anna, this is the young man I was telling you about; Freddie Benson.” Jack had turned around despite my disapproval towards the whole idea and flew people into Seattle to try to talk me into this. He was never going to give up. This was why he wanted me early, to interview for a job I didn’t even want.

“Jack’s said a lot of great things about you. It’s great to finally meet the young man he talks up so much.” Anna smiled.

“Thanks,” I looked at Jack. He was obviously very pleased with the fact that he had tricked me into this.

Jack swept us all into his office, winking at me as I followed them in. I could barely contain the scowl threatening to fill my face. Anna and Paul sat down at the conference table. Jack motioned for me to sit opposite them, on his right side. Great, sitting beside me I couldn’t even give him dirty looks.

Anna folded her hands on the table in front of her and leaned in, smiling at me. “So why don’t you tell us what interested you about this job?” I wasn’t interested in the job anymore, but obviously no one believed me when I said that; especially Jack.

“Well, I guess I’ve just always loved being behind a camera. I love doing anything with technology. I’ve spent my whole life doing it, starting with the small stuff and working my way up to where I am now.” 

“And he’s really great at keeping everything running smoothly,” Jack added. I sighed; he was not making this any easier sitting there selling me like a brand new PearPad.

Paul addressed me next. “Jack said you were the technical producer on some sort of webshow before you worked here,” Paul and Anna never seemed to show any emotion; except for the occasional forced smile they just kept a straight face through everything that happened. Even sitting in Jacks office I could hear what sounded like World War III going on right outside the door. Carly and Micheals’ voices carried through the door-already fighting first thing in the morning, the microphones were giving off feedback and it sounded like someone had set off the fire alarm. In short the studio was in chaos but I seemed to be the only one who noticed. I could feel their eyes drilling into me.

“Uh, yeah in high school. But that was a while ago.” I couldn’t help but look towards the studio. How did nobody else seem to care what was going on?

“It sounds like you have a lot of experience behind the scenes. Jack said you know your way around here pretty well. The GMA studio isn’t much different. I think you would fit in really nice with us. If you don’t mind we’d like to watch you work today. Just to see how you do things around here and compare it with what we would have you doing at GMA.” Anna was the only one who spoke. Paul just sat there and watched me. He was probably gauging my reaction to everything she said. I nodded, glad to get away from them and just work. 

I shook both their hands and left Jack’s office, heading toward the studio. Just as I expected, things were going crazy so I jumped right in, setting things right. Having them stare at me while I tried to work was uncomfortable. I wanted to talk to Jack alone, but he was never more than four feet away from them. He was a smart man; a smart, evil man. I decided the first thing I needed to do was settle whatever was going on with Carly and Michael. I approached them.

“…never even talk to me anymore. You won’t even let me explain what happened.” I had walked on in the middle of their argument.

“There’s nothing to explain, Carly, I’m not wasting my time. You were supposed to—“

“Hey. I’m getting really tired of you two coming in every day and fighting. When you step in the doors of the studio you both better drop everything and remember what you’re here to do. Got it? I don’t care who you are or how long you’ve been here. If you don’t start acting more professional you’re going to be fired.” Michael gave me a smug look.

“Oh yeah? You don’t have the power to fire me, Benson. Let me just remind you that—“

“He may not but I do and I trust his judgment. Freddie, Matt and I are in charge. Not you. So you better watch yourself, sit your ass in that chair and shut your mouth.” I turned to see Jack standing right behind me. When I turned back to Michael his face had dropped and he had soundlessly sat on his chair. I didn’t want to look cocky, but having Jack back me up made me feel that way. I turned around again.

“Jack—“ he walked away from me again knowing I was going to confront him about the whole ‘Good Morning America’ trick. I sighed and walked to the cameras to grab a radio.

“Turn the lights on,” I spoke into the radio and the lights came on instantly. I looked back at the anchor table and then approached it again.

“Alright, start on camera 1. Turn to camera 2 after the update from the car accident. Break after the story about the closing of the waterpark. Start back on camera 2. Switch to camera 1 after the story about the zoo. Back to camera 1 after the forest fire story. Break. Start on camera 2 again, switch back to camera 1 after the story about the new laptop coming out and then you’ll close after the story about the best places to go before school starts again.” I had been looking at Michael, but when I looked at Carly she was looking under the table.

“Carly, what are you doing?” she looked up at me and then over at Michael then back to me.

“Oh, Sam sent me a picture of Liam.” She smiled. I rolled my eyes. 

“You aren’t allowed to be on your phone when you’re here and you know it. So knock it off or I’ll take your phone and lock it in my office.”

“Oh please, we aren’t in high school anymore.”

“Carly—“

“Fine.” She stuck her phone back in her pocket and drummed her fingers on the table. 

“So what did I say, Carly?”

“Oh my God, it’s put away. When did you become so bossy?” 

I stared at her, “when I became your boss. And I was talking about the show.”

“Oh yeah, camera 1, camera 2, camera 2, camera 1, camera 1, camera 2, camera 1. Yeah. I got it, Mr. Benson.” Her sarcasm was annoying me and I had to remind myself that Carly would never be the same was Sam and I because we had a family now and she was just….Carly. I walked away for the second time and approached Mark.

“Hey, so any news on Lily?” Mark had a way of bringing me back down to earth when I was getting too far ahead of myself.

“Yeah. She might be able to go home tonight. We should be finding out this afternoon. We’re pretty pumped about it, we’re ready to have them both home.” Mark smiled.

“Well that’s good,” his smile dropped when he looked over at Anna and Paul, “so Jack’s still trying to bribe you into leaving huh?” 

“Nope. He’s past the bribing and the insults. He’s just going with it as if I told him I’d do it.” It was quiet while I checked his camera. As I was about to walk away he spoke again.

“Do you want to do it?” he asked. The last six years I had spent here I had never had any sort of heart to heart conversation with anyone. But if I was going to have one Mark would be the one I would have it with. I shrugged.

“I guess I do, but I don’t want to do it as much as I did before Cassie was born. Now everything’s different. After losing Cassie I realized all I really wanted was to have a family with Sam. I still kick myself sometimes for not being home as much as I should have been when she was pregnant with her. Now that we have Lily and Liam I just can’t imagine anything topping that. You know what I mean? Having the twins is more special to us than it was before because we don’t have Cassie. I don’t want to just uproot and change everything in our lives, especially since now everything is finally back to normal; A new normal, but normal nonetheless.” Mark nodded.

“Yeah I get that. The more time I spend here the more time I wish I was at home getting to know my baby. I still can’t believe I’m going to be a father.”

“Let me tell you, Mark. It’s the best feeling in the world. Even when they’re screaming and crabby and you’re trying to figure out what to do nothing feels better than looking at your baby and knowing that you helped make them. You’ll do anything for them. Your whole world changes when you see their face.” He smiled.

“I know. I’m excited,” he paused, “hey Benson. Have you ever thought of how Lily and Liam would feel if you took the job at GMA? Do you know how big that is? You could give them everything and anything they wanted with that job. You could afford to send them to the best schools anybody could think of. I mean, I know you could probably do that working here, but have you ever thought about in the future what they would think of it? Whether they’d love it or hate it? I know you’re just trying to look out for Sam and the twins and yourself and I know what really holds you back is Cassie, but what about how they feel? All of them. I know you, Freddie. From day one you’ve talked about this only being temporary. I just don’t want you to pass up something that could be so great for you and your family.” 

All I had thought about was myself and the fact that I couldn’t do that to them, but Mark was right. I couldn’t say what was best for them, I couldn’t say what they would think about it. I could just run with it and base every choice I made on how I thought they would see it. I shrugged and walked away from him without a word. Eliza was standing with Jack, Anna and Paul joking around. I looked into the screen on her camera. She was too good for this place.

We were still fifteen minutes from cue time and I had nothing else to do. I didn’t feel like standing around talking to Jack or Anna or Paul. I didn’t want to be around Carly or Michael and I didn’t want to have any more realizations from Mark. I heard the studio door open and Sam entered carrying Liam in his carseat. What was she doing here?

“Sam! I thought it would be months before I’d see you again,” Jack met Sam halfway and looked down at Liam. I approached them, “this must be little Liam.” Sam smiled.

“Yup. But he’s not so little anymore. Not to me anyway,” she set the carseat down and took Liam out of it. Compared to when he was born he wasn’t really little anymore. Of course, he was still a newborn so it made sense that everyone else saw him as little; especially since he was the size of an average newborn now. He was awake again but he was quiet, just looking at me. I smiled. He and Lily were the best things to happen to us.

“What are you doing here, babe?” I asked her.

“You left the stroller in your car and I was going to go for a walk with Liam before we went to the hospital,” she looked towards Anna and Paul, “who are they?” I sighed and Jack beamed.

“This is Anna and Paul. They’re from ‘Good Morning America’ and they came to watch Freddie work today. Anna and Paul, this is Freddie’s wife, Sam and their son, Liam. They actually just had twins. Lily’s in the hospital right now.”

“Jack.” He looked at me and I shook my head. He didn’t need to talk about our family with random people. He chuckled.

“Alright here, it’s in the trunk.” I handed the keys to Sam and she handed Liam to me, “hey little buddy. Are you in a better mood now?” he just stared at me and Sam walked out of the studio. 

“Does Sam come here often?” Anna asked. I shrugged.

“Sometimes. She’s never a distraction, though.” Liam was a distraction and with him in my arms I didn’t care what anybody else was saying to me. I hoped that the fact that Sam stopped in here would sway them to no longer be interested, but it seemed to have the opposite effect.

“That’s great! We have a little day care at the studio where the kids can go and we often have guests come to watch our show live. We’re a very tight knit group of people so we enjoy getting to know not only new employees but their families as well.” Anna smiled and I felt even more discouraged. Sam came back in with the stroller.

“Oh, hey. You’re mom called me and if Lily gets out tonight she wants us to go out for dinner. So, call her when you get done with work. I’m leaving, I know the shows about to start and I want to get to the hospital before it starts so I can tell Lily all about what her daddy does.” I handed Liam back to her and she put him in his car seat.

“I’ll be at the hospital as soon as I’m done here, babe. I love you. If anything important happens let me know.” She picked Liam’s car seat up and put it on the stroller.

“I love you, too, and I know you will be. Have fun at work. Nice meeting you Anna, Paul.” She nodded at them and walked out the studio door again.

“Alright, let’s get going.” Jack clapped and we walked back to the cameras.

“Alright, let’s get this show on the road. Mark, cue.” 

“Sounds good, boss. In 5, 4, 3, 2.”

X

Something seemed off as I walked down the hall towards Lily’s hospital room. It seemed too quiet this time; there was no screaming or soft talking. My heart raced and as I walked into the hospital room I realized why it was quiet. There was nobody here. I dug my phone out of my pocket quickly; maybe I had missed a message from her. There were no new messages and there was nothing written on the small, white board in Lily’s room either. I threw my phone on the bed and ran around the room looking under the furniture, on the tables, in the closet just trying to find some sign of Sam or the twins. No notes, no diaper bags, no sign that anybody had even been here. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. My family was missing and there was no hint as to where they were. I quickly turned back to the door and nearly knocked Janet over. I grabbed her arms to prevent her from falling backwards.

“Where are Sam and the twins?” my voice was louder than I intended and she recoiled slightly. I relinquished my hold on her and took a step back. 

“She went for a walk with them. Just around the hallways. She’ll be back in a minute. Relax daddy, I wouldn’t let anything happen to any of them.” She laughed, guiding me back into the room just as Sam came walking through the door.

“What are you doing? You couldn’t text me and tell me you were going for a walk with them? Do you even know—“

“Jeez Freddie, I didn’t know you’d be here so soon. I was only gone for two minutes. I just wanted to do something with both my babies. Sorry.” She took Lily out of carseat she had placed on the stroller and handed her to me. My shoulders relaxed as I sighed in relief. Nothing felt better than having her or Liam in my arms.

“I’m sorry, babe. I’m just—“

“I know. Don’t worry about it.” 

“Well now that you’re both here I have some things I want to talk to you guys about.” Janet was looking at a clipboard as Sam and I looked at each other. Sam sat in the chair in the corner and I stood next to her. Janet pulled a chair up in front of us and sat down. 

 The only thing running through my head was ‘ _God please say she can leave.’_

“There are a lot of things you need to know and remember about Cystic Fibrosis before we let you take Lily home—“

Sam groaned, “Have we NOT been taking care of her for the past week and a half?” she looked to me for confirmation “I mean, I’m just wondering because it appears that NOBODY here seems to think we’re capable of taking care of her.” 

“Sam,” I whispered. She looked at me and then back at Janet.

“Look, we’ve already gone through losing Cassie. I think we can handle taking care of a sick baby. You always say you aren’t going to let anything happen to her. Well, neither are we. We’re stronger and more capable than any of you are giving us credit for. By the time she’s five she’s going to be sick of having us around all the time. She’ll never be anywhere out of our sight. We have too much to lose if something happens to her.” She lowered her voice and slumped back in chair, her eyes pleading, “Just let us take her home already.”

“This is just procedure, Sam. CF is tricky. It’s not a visible illnesses. We just want to make sure you guys know everything you need to know to ease the transition when you take her home. She can’t tell you if she isn’t feeling good.” Sam sighed and rolled her eyes before looking at Lily. Janet watched her before diving right in.

“Okay, so you guys already know she needs to get the enzymes before she eats. Really watch and make sure she doesn’t spit any of them out. It’s very important for her to get them in order to digest what she’s eating. If she’s coughing really hard you may have to kind of hit her back a bit to try to break up the mucus so she can cough it up. You’ll have to make your hand into a “C” not a fist or open hand. That will just hurt her. Do your best to keep her from swallowing it again. Its habit for them to just swallow it back down. If she starts to get really sick and won’t stop throwing up and it sounds like she may not be breathing properly bring her back here. You’ll also have to make sure she’s getting the salt she needs. You can mix it in with her bottle for now but when she’s a little older you can mix it in with applesauce or something easy. You can mix the enzymes in there too. It’s really important that you both pay attention to how she’s acting. Her behavior can be the first sign that something is wrong. Oh, and prepare for the weather; she can get sick much easier than we can.” “She consulted the clipboard before pulling off a small card and handing it to us, “If you ever have any questions you can call this number or you can call me at the hospital. I Dealing with Cystic Fibrosis is difficult. You have to pick and choose what’s worth bringing her to the hospital for and what isn’t.”

Lowering the clipboard to her lap, her face softened as she leaned forward, taking Sam’s hand in her own. “Listen guys, I know that you are completely capable of handling this. There is no doubt in my mind that you’ll do whatever you need to for Lily. But this is a lot to take in and as much as you want to be strong and get it all right all the time that’s not always possible. There may be times you get overwhelmed because it’s really difficult to take care of a baby with CF. When she’s older she can handle this stuff herself, but for right now you have to do all of this for her. So I need you to promise me that you’re going to take care of yourselves too; otherwise you’ll be no good to Lily or Liam. And Sam, if you need anything…anything at all I want you to call me. You don’t have to be strong all the time. 

For a minute the room was quiet. I was worried now. We’d be by ourselves with nobody around that we could just run to and ask them what was going on. I knew we could handle it alone, but somehow through all the annoyance I had overlooked the comfort of having the doctors and nurses around.

“So,” Sam sighed, “when can we take her home?” 

“As soon as we get the papers we can have you sign them and you can take her. But, we want to see her again in a week just to make sure things are still on track. Right now she’s 5 pounds 7 ounces and we want to make sure she continues to gain weight regularly.” 

“Freddie, you should go call your mom.” Sam was looking at me and I nodded. I took Lily with me. She was still asleep and I didn’t see her waking up any time soon. I scrolled through my contacts before landing on the one I needed. It rang three times.

“Freddie, it’s about time you called me. I’ve been waiting all—“

“Okay mom, I’ve been busy. What did you want?”

“Is Lily getting out today?” she sounded eager and for a minute I considered messing with her, but I was so excited to finally be allowed to take Lily home with us when we left that it would have never worked.

“Yeah. Soon. They just have to get the papers and everything together. You want to meet us over here?” 

“Of course!” I had never thought my mom would be excited about kids belonging to Sam and I, especially after all the fighting she and Sam had done, but she was obviously very happy about seeing the kids and hearing Lily was coming home. “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” 

“Okay, I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you, Freddie.”

“I love you too, mom.” I hung up the phone and walked back into the room. Sam was just sitting in the chair looking down at Liam. She was whispering to him.

“Your sister gets to go home today, Liam. Are you excited? Mommy’s excited,” she looked up when she heard me come in, “daddy’s excited too.” 

“Yes. Mommy and daddy are excited. Where’s Janet?”

“She went to go get the release papers.” Sam’s face was lit with a smile and I realized it had been a long time since I’d seen her so happy. “Hey babe, find her something to wear. I don’t want her going home in that.” I looked at Lily’s outfit.

“Why? She looks cute in it.”

“Because it’s not…I don’t know. Oh! Put that frog outfit on her. The one your mom bought for her. I love that outfit. She looks so cute in it.”

“Sam, she looks cute in everything.”

“Just do it.” She looked back down at Liam again and I chuckled. 

“Fine, but if she wakes up you’re taking care of her.”

“Ha. She loves daddy more than mommy.” She laughed. I rolled my eyes before laying her on the cot in the room. Her eyes opened.

“Hi baby girl,” her brown eyes melted my heart and I couldn’t help but smile when she looked at me, “are you ready to go home?” she just stared at me and I laughed before grabbing her diaper bag from the stroller.

“Aww, such a good daddy.” Sam laughed. I rolled my eyes.

“Hey, she’s my angel. I have to get this out of my system now, because when she’s a teenager she’ll probably have your attitude and shun me from her life.”

“Oh, I didn’t shun you from my life.” Sam laughed. I smiled.

“I know. I wouldn’t let you, you blonde headed demon.”

“Nub.”

“The one and only,” I pulled the frog outfit from Lily’s diaper bag and started undressing her. As I expected she started screaming. Sam laughed.

“Well come on, daddy. You have to be quicker than that. She’s cold.” 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” 

Dressing a screaming, squirmy newborn is more difficult than people make it out to be. Even though she was small and couldn’t really go anywhere I felt like she was running away from me. It took me ten minutes just to change her outfit and it made for quite a show for Sam and Janet, who had come back to give the papers to us. Sam was too distracted to fill them out, more intrigued by the lack of experience on my part. She probably had this mastered since she had done it every day for the past week while I was at work. I felt a little smug when I finally got it and picked her up again. Especially when she quit screaming and just looked at me.

“See, daddy got skills.” I laughed. Sam shook her head.

“Don’t talk like that, you’re too nerdy.” She said. She got up, placed Liam in his carseat on the stroller, and then started filling out the papers. My mom walked into the room and right past Sam.

“Hi to you too Marissa.” 

“Sorry, you looked busy.” My mom smiled. She walked over to me and Lily.

“Mom,” she looked at me, “be nice.”

“I am. She’s trying to fill out papers. I didn’t want to bother her. Besides, I just want to see baby girl.” She gushed, making a beeline for Lily. “Oh my gosh she’s so cute! She looks just like you when you were a baby.”

“I know she’s cute, she’s half me,” Sam laughed. I rolled my eyes and my mom faked a smile.

“She’s half Freddie too. So, are we ready to go?”

“Do we look ready to go?” Sam was on a roll with her remarks today.

I rolled my eyes, “Sam, stop it. Today is supposed to be a nice day. I don’t need you two fighting.”

“We aren’t fighting. It was a question.” She mumbled. She was too busy with the papers to even bother listening to what I was saying. 

“Please, just finish filling that stuff out so we can leave.”

“I’m already done, I’m just reading it. I know you thought I was watching you and laughing while you were trying to dress Lily but I was REALLY filling this out…and watching you and laughing.” Janet walked back into the room and Sam handed her the clipboard.

“We ready to go now?” she asked her. 

Janet nodded. “Come back if anything happens.”

“Yup. Freddie, put her in here.” I walked over to the strolled and laid Lily in her carseat. She was already falling asleep again.

“Let’s roll.” Sam pushed the stroller out the door of the hospital room. I grabbed Lily’s diaper bag and followed her and my mom.

I could not help the smile that spread from ear to ear as we walked through the hallways that had become all too familiar. Leaving the hospital with Sam and the twins knowing I wouldn’t have to come back felt more amazing than the day we came in to have them.

My family was finally complete. 


	45. Chapter 45

“Freddie?” Sam was shaking me and as I slowly opened my eyes I recognized the walls of the nursery. I yawned, looking around. I didn’t remember coming in here.

“Hey,” I stood up from the rocking chair slowly. Sleeping in a rocking chair was not the best decision I had made; my back and neck hurt.

“Hey, how’d you sleep?”

“Pretty decent, actually. Although I don’t remember falling asleep.”

“Yeah well you got up at midnight when Lily started crying and you were feeding her and fell asleep. I didn’t want to wake you up.”  

“You should have woken me up. She could have choked or something and I wouldn’t know.”

“Freddie, I was never more than two inches from the doorway. I wouldn’t let anything happen to her. Just relax. It’s time to get up and get ready for work.”

“I’m already up.” I smiled. She rolled her eyes and laughed, taking Lily out of her crib.

“Hi baby girl,” Sam whispered, rocking her back and forth. She looked at me and her smile dropped, “What are you standing around for? Go get ready for work.”

“I don’t want to go to work. How about I call in and just hang out with you and the babies all day?”

“I don’t think so, Fredward. Mama loves her mommy baby time too much to share it with you. Now go. You don’t have all day.”

“Fine, but let me see Lily first,” Sam sighed and passed Lily to me.

“Make it quick. I let you sleep longer than I should have,”

I smiled, “Oh really? Or was it that you didn’t wake up when you thought you would thus causing you to wake me up later than you originally planned?”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” She walked over to Liam’s crib and stared down at him. I looked back at Lily, sliding my finger down her small cheek.

“Hello sweetheart. Did you sleep well?”

“She can’t talk, Freddie.” I rolled my eyes and turned my head towards Sam. In a matter of seconds I heard Lily cough and felt something warm on my shirt. Sam looked at me and laughed.

“And you threw up on me,” I sighed, looking up at the ceiling. Sam walked briskly across the room, all smiles gone.

“Well hold her up, Freddie! Do you want her to choke?” Sam stepped in front of me and took Lily away. She laid her on her shoulder, patting her back and bouncing her up and down.

“What could she choke on? I’m pretty sure whatever was in her tiny stomach is now on me.” Sam rolled her eyes and looked me up and down before she smiled, trying to contain her laughter.

“That’s really funny. That’s her way of telling you to go get ready for work.”

“I guess so,” I looked down at my shirt, “alright, I’m going.” I walked out of the nursery and into our bedroom and headed straight to the closet.  

“Oh! Jack called! He wants you to wear something nice today!” Sam yelled from the nursery.

“I don’t own anything nice!” I hollered back.

“Yes you do! It’s on the bed!” I rolled my eyes, turning around. She had laid out a blue shirt and black pants I had never seen before. Sam stepped into the doorway, Lily gone, and folded her arms.

“Since when do I own these clothes?”

“Since about 4:00 this morning when I went to the store and bought them,” she smiled. I laughed.

“Okay, Sam. You’re officially crazy.”

“Well, I think they’re going to ask you to work at ‘Good Morning America’ today. Jack sounded really excited and I heard someone in the background.”

I hadn’t even thought about ‘Good Morning America’ that much. Now that Lily was home with Sam, Liam and I it didn’t cross my mind very often.

“Oh,”

“Oh?” she walked up to me, wrapping her arms around my stomach and laying her head on my back. It lasted a second before she backed up, “alright that was a bad idea. You smell like baby vomit.”

“She’s your daughter,”

“No way, Frederly, when she does stuff like that she’s YOUR daughter.”

“Whatever you say,”

“Go take a shower. You stink.”

“I love you, too, Sam.” I walked out of the room and looked at the clock in the living room.

“Sam! It’s 5:15? Why didn’t you tell me that?”

“Because I didn’t know it was 5:15! What are you freaking out about? You have plenty of time.”

“Are you insane? It takes me 15 minutes to get to the studio!”

“Well then maybe you should stop standing around and go take a shower!”

“Whatever Sam. Call Jack and tell him I’m going to be late.”

“Why don’t you stop being so bossy?” I ignored her and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

Standing under the running water helped me sort my thoughts. I had no reason to be angry with Sam when it was my fault I was running late because I stupidly fell asleep in the nursery. I turned the water off and sighed before stepping out of the shower.

“Sam?” I waited a few seconds.

“What?”

“What time is it?”

“Don’t worry about it. Jack said to be there at 6:00.”

I walked out of the bathroom and down the hall to our bedroom. Sam was sitting on the bed with her arms folded and staring at the wall.

“Hey,” I leaned against the doorframe and waited for her to say something. I should have known better than to wait for Sam to speak when she was mad; she’d either give me the cold shoulder or she’d flip out. I walked further into the room cautiously, trying to read her body language. Even after all the years she was still impossible to read, “I’m sorry.”

Silence was interrupted by crying and Sam almost immediately jumped up. I grabbed her hand and she looked at me.

“Freddie leave me alone!”

“Just listen to me. Please?”

Sam sighed, “Fine. What?”

“I’m sorry. I’m just,” I couldn’t think of a word that would describe how I was feeling.

“an ass?”

I laughed, “yeah we can go with that.”

“I could have left you sleeping—“

“I know. I’m sorry. I love you, Sam. I’m just…I don’t know. I slept in a rocking chair. It hasn’t been a good morning so far and—“ she put her hand over my mouth.

“Stop talking and get ready for work. I’m going to take care of Liam.” She moved her hand.

“How do you know it’s Liam?”

“Mama knows.” She winked. I laughed and she walked out of the room. I grabbed the clothes off the bed and dressed slowly. Sometimes I missed the old Sam; the girl who would rip my head off for looking at her wrong. But I loved the new Sam; the girl I could have a conversation with and not worry about being murdered. Sam walked past the bedroom door with Liam in her arms. I followed her into the kitchen.

“Look at your daddy, Liam. Doesn’t he clean up nice?”

“Yeah whatever. Do you need any help?”

“No, Benson. I can handle being a mother for the day.”

“Alright. I’m leaving.” I turned toward the front door.

“Hang on. Turn it around, buddy.” I laughed, turning around and looking at her.

“Yes?”

“Come here,” I stepped in front of her and she smiled.

“What?”

“Just come here,”

“I am here,”

“Closer,” she took my hand with her free hand before kissing me. The old Sam was back and she was playing to get even. She pulled away from me when I stopped breathing.

“Not funny,” I mumbled. She laughed.

“Now you can leave,”

“You just wait, Samantha Benson, you aren’t off limits forever.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll be waiting.”

“You really are a demon,”

“Go to work so you can take the job at GMA.”

“Alright, I’m leaving.”

X

“Benson! I wasn’t expecting you here until 6:00”

“I know, but here I am. Now what did you make me dress up for?”

“Ah, yes. To get to the point. I want you to meet somebody. Today could be a big day for you if you play your cards right.” He clapped my shoulder and walked away from me. I followed him up to an older looking woman.

“Freddie, this is Alex. She runs ‘Good Morning America’ and she’s very interested in talking to you.”

“Hi Alex,” I shook her hand as Jack motioned toward his office. I had spent more time in his office than I would have liked lately. He shut the door and once again sat in the chair next to me. Alex started talking right away.

“I spoke with Paul and Anna and they really like you. They say you’re smart, straightforward and professional. They also say you seem distant and hesitant whenever ‘Good Morning America’ is brought up. After speaking with them and with Jack and with some of your co-workers I’ve come to the conclusion that we could use someone like you on our set. However, before I extend this offer I want to know your thoughts on it. The bottom line is that this is your decision and nothing anybody tells me is going to mean anything unless you’re ready to take this job.” Alex didn’t beat around the bush and she reminded me of Jack. It would be interesting to work with her.

“Well,” I looked at Jack. I didn’t know how much to give away about my confusion with GMA, but he just nodded and I looked back at Alex, “I’ll be honest here. When Jack first brought up the position I was against it. I was just trying to get back to a normal life. My wife and I had our first child just over a year ago and we lost her. We just had twins. I had no intention of packing everything up and moving across the country when I had a great job here. Of course, everyone was telling me I needed to do it. Especially Sam. She was in my ear every minute of the day. After we found out Lily had Cystic Fibrosis I was even more against it. All I could think about was the negative. I thought I was protecting my family but I was only fooling myself. It doesn’t matter if we’re here or in New York, I can protect my kids and my wife wherever we are. I couldn’t possibly raise Lily and Liam to chase their dreams and go for anything they wanted if I passed this up. After taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture I realized this is something I need to do if I got offered this job. I’ve worked hard my whole life to even be considered for this and, like Jack said, I’d be an idiot not to take it.” Alex was quiet, just staring at me. It was awkward. She folded her hands on Jack’s desk.

“Well, first I’d like to say I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m also very sorry about your daughter’s illness. I assure you with ‘Good Morning America’ we provide one of the best health insurance policies in the country. The position we want to offer you requires a knowledge of cameras, lighting and production. It also requires a leader, somebody who takes a hands-on approach, somebody who can put aside personal feelings to get the job done. It requires someone dedicated, intelligent and skilled. It seems you meet all these requirements. With that being said, I’d be honored to have you join our team. Freddie, I’d like extend the offer out to you if you are interested in becoming our Executive Producer.”

I felt like the room was spinning. All of the confusion, the debating, the constant internal battle lead up to this moment. The moment that would change my life. I could either say yes, move across the country and do what I’ve always wanted to or I could say no, live my life the way I’ve been doing up until this point. Both Jack and Alex were staring at me, waiting. Jack was not a patient man and he made it apparent when he started tapping his foot and drumming his fingers on his knee. I sighed.

“Yes.”

X

We were fast approaching the day that we left everything behind and moved across the country to start a new life. My mom hadn’t taken the news well. She had protested it and refused to talk to me for a week and a half. She had even tried to threaten Sam by saying she was going to keep Lily and Liam if we moved away which was met with a laugh and an assurance that she wouldn’t have a chance at getting them in the first place. After that first initial week and a half she started to miss the twins so she gave up the silent treatment to come see them.

Sam and I had been busy packing things up because Sam didn’t trust anybody else to do it. The only time we weren’t packing was when we ate or when the twins, one or both, were awake. My mom had kept them pretty well occupied, but Sam could only handle so much of my mom, so after having her around for four days after she decided to talk to me again we practically shoved her out the door.

“Babe? When are those moving people supposed to come here?” Sam was in the living room, packing away anything that could be packed away right now.

“Six days. Why?”

“This is so annoying. It feels like we just unpacked in this apartment and now we’re packing back up.”

“Well babe, you’re the one who told me to take this job.”

“Yeah. I know. And I’m glad you took it. It’s just the packing that sucks, especially when Lily and/or Liam start crying.”

“Yeah. Imagine if Cassie were here too.”

Sam was silent for a minute. She, like me, was probably thinking about how hard it was to think about leaving her behind. The difference was she knew that we weren’t leaving Cassie behind. She knew that Cassie was wherever we were. I couldn’t accept that. Cassie was in the graveyard only ten minutes from us. I could go there whenever I needed to be near her and not worry about being late for anything or having to make a special trip out there. That’s where she was and where she always would be.

“Freddie?”

“Huh?”

“I think we should go there today. We can drop the twins off at your moms and go alone or we can bring them there or whatever, but you need to say goodbye to her. You can’t hold on to the irrational feeling that she’ll always be here and you’ll be thousands of miles away from her. I know you never forced me into accepting her death and I don’t want to force you to do it but you’ll never really go to New York and we’ll never have a life there if you don’t.”

“Sam, I’ve already accepted it. I know that nothing will ever bring her back.”

“You know what I mean.” She looked me straight in the eye and I sighed.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Just don’t worry about it, Sam. I’ll live.”

“Just breathing and trying to push off how hard it is for you to live without her isn’t living Freddie. It’s only making every decision that comes your way that much harder to make.”

“Could you just not worry about me, Sam? We have too much to do before we move to be having this conversation.”

“Baby,” she knew she was right. At least 85% of the time when it came to Cassie and how I felt about it she was right. After reading that she, in fact, was my baby I felt like a complete jerk. I had resented her, figuring she had to be Brad’s. I hated knowing that after all the time I had wished for a baby now that I was finally going to have one she wouldn’t even be mine. Then I had decided it didn’t matter because I was raising her and to the world she would be mine. The only people that would know were Sam and I, my mom, Carly and Spencer. Brad wouldn’t even know if she was his. We’d simply tell him she wasn’t. And then I fell in love with her too late because only two months after I did she was ripped away from me like some cruel, sick joke. I never had a chance to have her in the first place and it felt like every single failed attempt of the past. But reading those words had made it so final. Biologically she was my baby. My first baby. When she was born I guess I knew. The first thing I thought when they told us she had no heartbeat was ‘she must be mine, God would never let me have a baby.’ It was such a horrible thing to think and the thought left as quickly as it had come. In that moment I had to be the husband I had promised to be and talk Sam through it. She was hurting worse than I was, “for once would you just listen to me? I know you’re all super smart and everything, but after all the things I heard and talked about way back when I was in therapy and in the mental hospital and whatever I know more about living past her death than you do. You can’t push it off anymore. I really want you to do this and you really need to do it.”

Before I could even think of an argument she had walked into the twin’s nursery. I rolled my eyes and followed her.

“I should have known this would happen,” I sighed. She shrugged.

“Yeah. Maybe. But you know I’m right so don’t waste your breath. Besides, you owe it to her, to Lily and Liam and to yourself.”

“What about you?”

“Frankly you don’t owe me anything. Now get Lily ready to go. We’ll drop them off at your mom’s house.”

“Does she know this is happening?”

“She will when we get in the car and I call her,” she took Liam out of his crib and carried him into the living room. I smiled at Lily and took her out of her crib, following Sam. Lily had grown quite a bit since she left the hospital. We put the twins in their car seats and brought them down to the car.

“Sam, this is ridiculous. This isn’t going to help anything, it’s just going to make it worse. If you think I don’t want to leave now do you really think going to her grave is going to change that?”

“Yes, because after you’ve made peace with the situation and said goodbye to her you’ll feel better. Trust me.”

“Sam,” I was scared. I knew I wasn’t ready to face this. I would never be able to face it. I needed Cassie so bad and not having her killed me. Even after over a year. Had I faced this earlier on I probably wouldn’t feel the way I did now, but I didn’t, and now we were standing next to the car arguing about it. Sam didn’t get just what was going on inside of me and she never would. She would never understand my feelings because they were so different than hers. She stopped strapping Lily’s car seat in and turned to me.

“Please, baby. For once just trust me and know that if I didn’t think this was going to help anything I wouldn’t make you do it.”

“And you somehow think you know me better than I know myself?”

“I do know you better than you know yourself. For example, I know in about 5 seconds you’re going to open your mouth, just like that, and then close it because you have no argument.” Her words beat the actions and her accuracy was dead on, “and I know that you shift your weight constantly when you’re nervous. You always fold your arms when you’re trying to make a point. Every night before you go to bed you go into the bathroom and stare at yourself in the mirror for ten minutes; not because your conceited but just because you’re reflecting on the day and what it’s made you. I know you check on the twins every single night at 11:00, 2:00 and then when you wake up. I know when we’re arguing and you don’t know what to say next you blink exactly 12 times before you come up with something,” I laughed, “it’s a fact. And I know—“

“Okay, Sam,”

“Nope, now you got me started. I know every Thursday night you go into Cassie’s room and sit in the rocking chair and close your eyes for exactly 3 minutes and 43 seconds when you think I’m sleeping. You probably don’t even realize that you only sit there for 3 minutes and 43 seconds, but I timed you for the last two months. It never fails. It’s like some internal clock because I know you don’t bring your cell phone with you and there’s no clock in there—“

“What’s your point, Sam?”

“My point is going to the cemetery is going to help you with whatever is holding you back. Whatever reason you have for going into her room every Thursday, which you know is the day she was born, and sitting in the rocking chair for 3 minutes and 43 seconds, which you know is the time she was born. Living in New York is going to be different. It will be a completely different atmosphere and you’re going to go crazy because when you walk into her room over there, assuming we set it up, it’s not going to feel the same. It’s just going to be a baby room with no baby.”

“Sam—“

“Just get in the car. This isn’t up for discussion.” I rolled my eyes and opened the car door. The relationship between Sam and I was complicated, especially when she was in the know about this whole letting go of your child thing and I wanted no part of it. I was so caught up in my thoughts I didn’t even realize that I had somehow allowed Sam to drive.

“Babe—“

“Oh chill out. I’m not going to kill anybody today.”

“You have the worst road rage of anybody in the world.” She laughed, shooting a look my way.

“You’re one to talk.”

“I do NOT have road rage, Sam.”

“Uh, yeah you do.”

“Whatever.”

“Oh cheer up, crabby. You’ll thank me for this later.”

“Okay, Sam. Whatever you say.”

One of the twins started crying in the backseat and in a matter of seconds the other one joined in.

“Look at that. You’re crabby attitude upset them,” Sam laughed.

“Just pull over,”

“No, they’ll be fine until we get to your mom’s. They’re just crying because you’re killing the good vibe in this car.”

“I doubt that.”

“Doubt away, my dear.” The rest of the trip was silent between Sam and I. The twins continued to scream in the backseat and as soon as we pulled into the parking lot at Bushwell Plaza I jumped out of the car, opening the back door, and pulled Lily out of her car seat.

“What’s wrong, baby girl?” Sam laughed and shook her head.

“She’s probably hungry. There’s a bottle—“

“In the side pocket of her diaper bag? Yeah, I know. “ I reached past her car seat and grabbed her diaper bag, “come on princess, let’s go see grandma.”

“Oh! That’s why she’s crying! She knows where we are!”

“Sam, that’s not funny.”

“You set yourself up for that. She better not be giving them tick baths, Freddie, or I’ll kill her.”

“I’m sure she’s not giving them tick baths.”

“Fine,” she slammed the door shut, “let’s go.” We walked into the building and to the elevator. It seemed faster than usual today and just made the knots in my stomach that much tighter. I knew that once we got to the cemetery we wouldn’t leave until Sam was happy with my…whatever it was. Sam threw the door of my mom’s apartment open.

“Hello! We brought babies!” my mom came walking around the corner and her face turned from annoyance to joy when she saw the twins.

“Well what a surprise. What are you two doing here?”

“We,” Sam shot a look at me behind her and then turned back to my mom, “are going to the cemetery and thought it would be nice to bring the babies to their grandma for a little bit.”

“Oh it’s always nice for grandma to have her babies, especially since you guys are taking them away from me in a week. You guys going to see Cassie?”

“Yup, and we aren’t taking the twins away from you. Jeez. They’re OUR babies and this is a job Freddie’s been waiting for his entire life.”

“But I’ll never see them anymore.”

“Okay, hand over the baby Fredward, we’re leaving.” Sam set Liam’s car seat on the floor and I handed Lily to my mom. Having Sam and my mom together for too long was a bad idea, but lately whenever Sam got sick of her she just opted to get away from her rather than fight. Liam had stopped crying when we came in the apartment and Lily stopped when I handed her to my mom. Sam grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the apartment.

“Your mom is so stupid,”

“No she’s not. She’s a mom. What if Liam or Lily were moving away with our grandkids.”

“Woah, dude. Chill on the grandkids. We just had kids.”

“In the future, Sam. The very, very, very distant future.”

“But why does she always say we’re taking away HER babies? They aren’t HER babies, they’re OUR babies.”

“They’re her grandbabies, Sam.”

“They’re our actual babies. You and I made them. She had no part of it. I’m not totally sure, but I’m fairly certain she isn’t a man and even if she was there was only ONE man in that bed that night.”

“That is very, highly disturbing.”

“Just shut up and let’s go.” We got in the car and she drove off to the cemetery.

X

“Go,”

“Sam,”

“You’re really starting to irritate me,”

“So what? You’re just going to stand there and stare at me?”

“That was the plan. Why? Do you want me to leave?”

It was a trick question, sort of. It was weird to talk to a headstone while Sam just stood there and watched me do it, but I wanted to be able to turn around and see her there.

“No. Just,” I sighed, “I don’t know, Sam. You don’t get it. Just like I’ll never understand how you feel and the thing you had with Cassie you’ll never understand how I feel and the thing I did…or didn’t…have with Cassie. We’re just too different.”

“What do you mean didn’t have with her? You’re her father.”

“I didn’t know that until after she died, Sam.”

“So what?” she stared at me for a minute before the look of realization hit her face, “so what? You feel guilty or something? All because like any normal person you doubted your part in making her? Or what? What’s going on here that I don’t know?”

“Sam, just don’t.”

“That’s insane, Freddie. It really is. She’s still yours and always has been. And you know what else? Even through all that while you were having those doubts you still promised to love her and raise her like she was yours even if she wasn’t. So what if you didn’t know for sure she was yours until after she died? She was yours before she died because you made her yours. Being a father isn’t just about DNA, Freddie, I thought you knew that.”

“I do know that, Sam.”

“Then go talk to her.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t, Sam, why don’t you get that?”

“What don’t I get? Because I think you think I don’t know anything that goes on in that head of yours when I do.”

“You don’t!”

“Really? Okay then. So I suppose, then, that in helping me out in the beginning and getting me all that help you pushed off how you felt about it and now you’re finally starting to miss her and need her isn’t true right? And I suppose it’s not true that you don’t want to let go of her because you still hope and pray that somehow, someway God will give her back to you? Please don’t think I’m stupid, Freddie, because I’ve already done this and I know how I felt and I guess how I looked. I know how I felt when I came here to let her go and when I did there was no hesitation. You don’t want to talk to her because you don’t want to let her go. You still want her with you.”

“And what’s wrong with that, Sam?”

“Nothing, but don’t assume I don’t know just because I’m her mother and not her father,” she put her hand on my face and looked me straight in the eye, “because it’s not helping you at all. And it’s perfectly fine to want her back, Freddie, as long as you know that it doesn’t matter. As long as you know that physically we might not have her but she’s never actually away from us no matter where we go. I want her all the time, baby, but it’s not doing you any good holding on and waiting for some sort of miracle to happen that brings her back.”

“I just don’t get it,”

“Nobody gets it. It’s not something anybody can figure out. It’s just how life works sometimes, just like Janet said. But we have Lily and Liam now and they deserve just as much of their daddy as Cassie has. They need you, too.”

“I can’t do it, Sam.”

“Maybe not. But we can. Come on.” She took my hand and dragged me over to Cassie’s grave. She sat in front of it and then stared at me, “come on, Frederly. You aren’t alone and you don’t have to talk out loud. She hears you either way.” I sighed and sat next to her. She put her hand on the headstone before taking my hand and putting it on the headstone as well.

“I love you, Sam.”

“Mmmhmm.” I looked over at her and she had her eyes closed. She did every time she talked to Cassie. She always closed her eyes, as if that would make Cassie hear her better. Maybe it did. I decided to mimic her, just to see what it was about it that made her do it. It only took a second to have Cassie’s face in my head. It was like she somehow spoke through the headstone because I could hear baby talk but there were no babies around. Her voice was beautiful.

“Hi princess,” I whispered. I wasn’t sure if I was saying it out loud or in my head and I didn’t care, “I know I haven’t talked to you in a while…well…at all really and I’m sorry. I know it’s stupid to try to ignore you and how I feel when I think about you as if it would go away. I guess that’s what I hoped for. Not that I want you to disappear, but I wish I didn’t feel like I do when I think about you. My beautiful baby girl. Huh. It’s weird to say. It makes me feel horrible. I should have believed your mother when she told me that you were actually mine no matter what anybody else thought. I don’t get how I couldn’t believe her; she’s your mother and she would know. I guess I was just being stupid. Sometimes I get that way. God, Cassie. I really thought the hardest part was over when I had to watch them bury you, but it’s absolutely nothing to waking up every day and not having you in the apartment with us. It’s nothing compared to being in a hospital room with your mom and your brother and your sister and not having you around to meet them. It’s nothing to waking up in the morning and seeing your picture. And none of that is as hard as sitting here right now in front of a headstone with your name on it and facing it all over again. Some days I just want to crawl back in bed and go back to sleep and not wake up just so I can be with you for a minute. It just doesn’t feel right that the world keeps spinning like nothing happened when it feels like it should have stopped the day you were born. Everything just keeps going and the times that I should be happy, like the day your brother and sister were born or the day Jack told me about ‘Good Morning America’, are bittersweet because it’s just a reminder of all the things I’m doing without you. Well, not without you, but you know what I mean. I wish I could go home and pick you up and hold you all day. I wish I could see you smile, hear you laugh, watch you run around like crazy and play. I never understood just how much I was missing by not being a father until I lost you and realized all of the things I’d never get to see you do. Trust me, Cass, if I could trade my last breath just so you could live I would do it in a second. I would give anything in the entire world to have you back. Even if just for one day. One day of your beautiful face, your voice, your smile. Just you. One day to hold you and love you and show you how much you mean to me. Show you just how much of an impact you’ve had on my life. If only. I don’t think you’ll ever understand just how much I miss you every minute of every day. Everything I do reminds me of you somehow; even things that have nothing to do with you, like getting dressed or taking a shower. Somehow you’re always on my mind. That will never change. On my mind and in my heart. I’ll be watching for you in New York, Cassie Julianne Benson, and if it rains every single day while we’re there I’ll know that’s not where I belong and we’ll come right back here. I’ll let you decide that for me. I love you, Cassie. God, do I love you. And because of how much I love you I’m going to make you a few promises. First, I promise that whenever I finally get to meet you I’ll make up the time we didn’t have together. I promise I’ll show you just how much you mean to me. And I promise that I’ll stop pretending. I think you know what that means. At least I hope you do. I love you and I miss you more than anything. Keep shining your light around the world, Cassie, because every person that’s touched by it has been touched by a miracle. A beautiful, amazing miracle. Goodbye angel.”

I opened my eyes and looked at Sam. She was staring at me.

“So…”

“So that wasn’t in my head was it?”

“It was wherever you wanted it to be.”

I put my arm around Sam and she leaned into my side with a sigh. We were quiet for a while as we stared at the headstone in front of us. Cassie’s name still stood out like a huge spotlight in the middle of the woods, even after all this time.

“Do you think that’s what she really sounds like?”

Sam smiled, “mmmhmmm,”

We were quiet for another minute.

“Hey Sam?”

“What?”

“How is this so easy for you?”

“It’s not.”

“But—“

“But, she’s never gone. I feel her with my everywhere. She’s my baby. All I have to do is close my eyes and talk to her. There will come a point that you can do that too.”

“I love you,”

“I love you, too, Freddie Benson.”

X

“I don’t like this, Fredward.”

“Mom—“

“Who’s going to help you with the twins when you’re all the way in New York?”

My mom and I had had this argument about fifteen thousand times since Sam and I told her about GMA. She had made every effort to change my mind, and almost did, and keep me in Seattle. Sam had decided the one time I had almost given in that it was her job to explain to my mom why it was important we left.

“You. Over the phone. Come on mom, you know this is important.”

“It’s not that important. You have a great job here, Freddie. Why do you have to move across the country for the same job?”

“Because, crazy. It’s not the same job. It’s a much better job. I thought all you wanted in life was to see Freddie become a successful television producer.” Sam spoke up.

“I had a lot more dreams for him than that,” my mom mumbled under her breath. She and Sam had a strange relationship. One day they could get along just fine and the next they were at each other’s throats.

“Don’t start, mom.”

“Well I just don’t understand why you would want to go all the way to New York, especially since this is where Cassie is,”

“Just stop it! You have no reason to drag Cassie into this!” Sam was livid and I couldn’t blame her. Using Cassie as a guilt trip was low, even for my mother.

“Cassie IS part of this, Samantha! That’s your daughter!”

Sam took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down, “I know. I pushed her out of me. Thanks for the reminder though. Now would you kindly shut the hell up and support your son?”

“You two are making a mistake!”

“No. We’re doing what needs to be done in life. Freddie has goals and he can reach them if he goes after them. There are things he can do in New York that he can’t do here. So we’re going.”

“What if Liam were leaving you behind to take some insane job he already had?”

“Uhh, if it would help reach his goals I wouldn’t be standing on a sidewalk acting like the world’s about to end because he’s growing up and doing what he needs to do to be successful and chase his dreams.”

“This is your fault,”

“Okay then, whatever.”

“It is. He never used to be like this. He never wanted to run all over the country and do all this crazy stuff before he started dating you.”

“Hey. Whatever. It’s not my fault you were too busy being a paranoid person to notice anything about your own kid. He’s had this dream since we were in middle school.”

“No, he always dreamed of working with computers,”

“This is ridiculous. Freddie, I’ll be in the car. Say goodbye to your psycho mom so we can leave.” Sam turned away and opened the passenger door. I watched her slam it shut and then turned back to my mom.

“Satisfied?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I want to, mom. You know this is what I’ve wanted practically my whole life.”

“But look at everything you’re leaving,“

“I know, mom. Trust me. I know. It’s not easy for either of us to leave Cassie, but life goes on. It has to. We can’t just walk around pretending it doesn’t. Besides, you know we’ll be back. We aren’t going to just move and never see anybody here again. We’ll visit, just not as often.”

“But you’re taking my babies—“

“No, mom. They aren’t YOUR babies. Lily and Liam are mine and Sam’s babies and we’ll do just fine without you. If we need some advice we’ll call you. By the way, you know that drives Sam nuts so why do you do it?”

“I don’t like that girl,”

“You’ve never liked her,”

“And yet you married her,”

“Yes I did,”

“And had children with her,”

“Who you love either way,”

“Well they are part you,”

“Why do you hate her so much?”

“Because she drags you down. You could have done so much more in life if you had just stayed away from her. Plus she’s a troublemaker. She’s just not the girl I imagined you being with. I hoped you would end up with a nice girl but she’s not a nice girl.”

“She’s a nice girl, mom. She’s not perfect but nobody is. And I’ve done a lot of great things in life so far,”

“Like what?”

“Like I fell in love and respect the woman I fell in love with just like you always told me to do. I got a job at a news show without stepping foot onto a college campus and stayed there for six years. I’m going to work at ‘Good Morning America’ in New York because of the work I’ve done here. I watched my whole life change in one afternoon, buried my daughter and somehow came to accept it and I had two more babies with the second most amazing woman in the world. To me that’s success no matter how you spin it. I think if you took a little more time to try to get to know Sam as a person you’d be surprised. She’s really not the same person she was when we were in school. She’s grown up a lot since we had Cassie. You just don’t give her a chance.”

“I’ve given her chances,”

“No you haven’t,”

“Well what do you expect from me, Fredward? You’re my baby boy and—“

“You weren’t replaced mom. You’re still number one in my life, sort of. But I’m an adult, not a baby. I have a wife and three kids. Who knows? Maybe moving to New York will be good for you and Sam. You guys don’t have to deal with each other as much and then maybe you can get to a point where you tolerate each other.”

Sam stuck her head out the window, “let’s go! Airplanes don’t just wait for people!”

My mom put her hand on my face and smiled sadly, “call me when you get there.”

“I will,”

“And clean everything. I don’t want my little grandbabies getting sick,”

“Yes mom,”

“And the door is always open if you want to come back,”

“I’ll keep that in mind,”

She hugged me in silence and I cherished it. I had never been more than a few miles away from my mom. She raised me on her own and it had always been the two of us. Even after Sam and I started dating and we got married and all that my mom and I had stuck together. She pulled away with tears in her eyes.

“I love you,”

“I love you too, mom.”

I got into the car and started it, shooting one look to the side where my mom stood. This would be just as different for her as it was for us. I pulled away, waving to her. She raised her hand halfway before dropping it quickly.

The drive to the airport was short and silent; not even the twins bothered to make a noise. I grew nervous just thinking about how far away we were about to be from everybody who could possibly help us. The airport was crowded and we nearly got lost finding where we were supposed to go. We got strange looks from people who had some sort of obsession with Lily and Liam and we asked six people where we were going before someone answered. It was hectic and insane, but it kept my mind off of everything else.

We barely made it to the gate and when we did finally get on the airplane we received more looks from strangers. Sam was quiet and kept her thoughts to herself, which rarely happened, and before I knew it we were taking off for New York.

X

*six months later*

_Dear mom,_

_New York is great. It’s the opposite of what I expected it to be. I’m sorry I haven’t called you lately or anything. I know you’re probably lonely and worried, but we’re fine. Lily and Liam love the apartment. They have so much playing around here. It’s a lot bigger than our apartment in Seattle. Sam’s doing great. She enjoys being home with the babies all day and I love that she doesn’t get bored enough to beg to get a job. We both know Sam and work don’t mix at all. Besides, she’s an amazing mother and Lily and Liam love having her at home with them. Good Morning America is intense, but awesome. It’s a lot different, but it comes with its own challenges which is great. I didn’t want to come here and be doing the same old boring thing I was doing in Seattle. This really tests me every day and I’m always on my toes. The other employees there are pretty awesome. Kaitley and Maria are my camera girls. It’s pretty cool that we have women on the set besides the anchors and reporters. That didn’t happen in Seattle. In fact, most of the set is women. We have these amazing lighting techs; Zoe, Makayla and Ariana. They’re super smart and they’re even teaching me things about lighting (and you know how much I know about this stuff). And the people in the production room are so funny. They’re always cracking jokes, but they totally know when it’s time to get to work. They’re precise and quick and it makes the entire show run smoothly. Last week they had some sort of contest going on. It was Maria, Elana and Lysha against Shannon, Mary Rachel and Jeff. Something about pranking. I suppose that’s why I found all sorts of weird things in my office. Oh yeah, and I have an office. Sam went crazy in it. She put pictures of Lily and Liam everywhere. She put our wedding picture on my desk and a picture of Cassie on the wall in front of me. She was pretty excited about the whole office thing. And Lily and Liam love Abby, Jess and Lauren. They work in the day care and whenever Sam wants to get out of the apartment she brings the twins by and lets them work their Benson charm on the girls. Everyone at the studio just loves them._

_The only weird thing about working here is that they have people dedicated to doing hair and make-up. I’m glad I’m not an anchor because that would just be weird for me, but Manasvi and Brigida do a great job. Natural born hair and make-up artists I suppose. It seems like everyone around here has some extreme talent. Things are never in chaos over here. It’s almost like I don’t have to check anything because everything’s always perfect. Lighting, production, cameras, sound. Oh yeah, speaking of sound, our sound techs are AWESOME! They cover the mics, the music, background noise, whatever you can think of they’re on it. I think their names are Marisol and Joanna. Sam’s not nearly as paranoid about the women here as she was in Seattle. Maybe because she’s met them all and they’re really cool. Plus she knows I’d rather go home to her and the twins any day._

_The twins can sit up on their own now. I can’t believe it. It seems like yesterday they were laying on their bellies looking at themselves in mirrors we put on the floor and now they’re sitting up and trying to move around. It’s only a matter of time until they start rolling around. I’m not ready for that at all. They can stay little and fussy the rest of their lives for all I care. I prefer it actually. Sam’s really excited for them to start moving around; probably so she can chase them around. She loves playing with them. She’d play with them all day and night if I’d let her, but at some point they go to bed and I’m allowed to have an adult conversation with her. They totally run her life now and she lets them._

_We’re going to be getting pictures done soon and I’ll send some to you. I know you miss the twins. I think they miss you too. Whenever I say ‘grandma’ they smile. Oh yeah. They smile now. They have been for a while but they smile whenever Sam or I look at them or talk to them. It’s awesome. And Lily’s laugh is the cutest thing you’ll ever hear. Sometime when I have time I’ll call you so you can hear it. I’ll have to try to get a picture of Liam’s mad face. It’s so funny. The first time he did it Sam and I just stared at him for a minute trying to figure out what he was doing. Now Sam makes an angry face at him so he’ll do it. He’ll probably grow up to be just like her. It fits, I guess, seeing as he looks just like her._

_Lily’s hair is getting so long. Well, I guess it’s not but it seems like it is. It’s still brown. She still looks like me but you can see Sam in her, too. She has Sam’s nose. So does Liam. Liam looks exactly like Sam. I try to find matches between the two of us but I haven’t found one yet. I’m sure I’m just looking too hard, but it doesn’t matter because he’s my son whether he looks like me or not._

_By the way, have you talked to Carly? How’s she doing? God, it seems like since we moved we’ve shut the whole world out. We haven’t. We’re just busy. Between working and the twins I barely find time to sleep and be a normal human. I’m either the tech guy or the dad. I love being a father. Best feeling in the world. I don’t know how anybody could give this up._

_I promise I’ll call you soon. I don’t know when, soon, but I will. I’ll find a time to get a hold of you when Lily and Liam are awake so you can talk to them. Well, you can talk. They’ll just babble. Lily loves to tell stories and Liam loves to argue. I love to listen. I enjoy the sound of their baby talk more than anything in the world._

_Well, I better wrap this up. I’m off today and Lily and Liam just woke up from their naps. I love you, mom. I hope you write back or something even if it seems like I’m ignoring you. Please know that I’m not. You must know how it is being a working parent. I know you do. I like to think you did a great job raising me and that what I’m doing over here makes you proud. I hope so. I love you and I’ll call you sometime soon._

_Love,_

_Freddie, Sam, Lily and Liam._


End file.
